July 27, 2012

"Mitt Romney's search for a vice president continues As you know, one of Mitt Romney's problems is that he's never hired an American for a job before, so this is new." –Jay Leno

"The apartment that President Obama used to live in when he was a college student in New York is now up for rent for $2,400 a month. Coincidentally, Obama was only there for one four-year term." –Jay Leno

"A new study published by The British Medical Journal found that inactivity can kill you. I mean, these are the kind of findings that just scare the hell out of Congress." –Jay Leno

"The poverty rate is now at its highest since the 1960s. It's gotten so bad that Mitt Romney's butler let his butler go." –Conan O'Brien

"Olympics can inspire American kids to get active. Or it can inspire American kids to sit on the couch and watch the Olympics." –Conan O'Brien

"Even though the Olympics take place during Ramadan, some Muslim athletes said they will not fast during games. Then, after sampling the British food, they said, on second thought, fasting sounds good." –Conan O'Brien

"Mitt Romney will travel to London where he will attend the Olympics opening ceremony . Of course it's going ot be weird when they're announcing all the countries, and he's like 'Got a bank account there, got one there, two bank accounts there." –Jimmy Fallon

"The European countries are really hoping to do well in the Olympics. If they win gold medals, they can use them as cash." –David Letterman

"President Obama is coming under criticism now for not meeting with his jobs council. He hasn't met with his jobs council in over six months. You know the reason Obama hasn't met with his job council in six months? They're all out looking for jobs." –Jay Leno

"Congresswoman Michele Bachmann wants an investigation as to whether Islamists have infiltrated the highest levels of the federal government. You know what's really frightening? After listening to Michele Bachmann, you realize idiots have infiltrated the highest levels of the federal government." –Jay Leno

"It's now being reported than Mitt Romney's campaign brought in 200 African American supporters to help cheer him on when he spoke at the NAACP meeting. And it cost him a lot of money because he had to fly them in from the Cayman Islands." –Jay Leno

"A new CBS poll found that 47 percent of voters are supporting Mitt Romney, while 46 percent support Obama. Well, it makes sense, because if Romney wins, it's definitely going to be thanks to the one percent." –Jimmy Fallon

"The United States Postal Service is about to default on $5.5 billion. They made the payment but the check got lost in the mail." –Conan O'Brien

"A new study claims that for the first time ever, Canadians are wealthier than Americans. We are their Mexico now it turns out." –Jimmy Kimmel

"At the Beijing Olympics in 2008, they handed out 100,000 condoms. This year it's 150,000. That's 100,000 for the U.S. basketball team and 50,000 for everyone else." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Mitt Romney is now in London to see his horse compete in the dressage event. Dressage is kind of like horse ballet. Finally something that connects Romney with the average American voter." –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney said while he is in Europe, he won't be apologizing to anybody. He has nothing to apologize for. A lot of those people overseas now have good jobs because of him. They are very very grateful." –Jay Leno

"The Jim Henson company, which created the Muppets, have cut their ties with Chick-Fil-A because of the company's anti-gay marriage stance. Insiders say the move came after intense pressure from Bert and Ernie." –Jay Leno

"Romney is going to be in London for the opening ceremonies of the Olympics, and he plans to take his tax returns and drop them into the torch." –David Letterman

"Mitt Romney is in London. … When Romney arrived at the hotel he was greeted by his money." –David Letterman