August 31, 2012

"A hurricane is scheduled to hit Tampa during the Republican Convention. These winds are so strong they could actually blow some of Mitt Romney's money back in the United States." –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan had a campaign event at an apple orchard... There was one awkward moment when they told the granny smiths they were considering cutting their Medicare." –Jimmy Fallon

"Mitt Romney went birther today. He was in Michigan, where he was born, and he said, 'No one has ever asked to see my birth certificate.' Right, because you weren't born. You have a warranty card." –Bill Maher

"There was an awkward moment for Mitt Romney today. He was practicing his speech and he took a pregnant pause and they made him carry it to term." –Bill Maher

"Todd Akin is getting death threats. They have narrowed it down the list to all women, everywhere." –Bill Maher

"I'm not surprised there are people in America who believe things like this. But usually they don't own shoes and they live in an abandoned school bus and they smell like urine. But this guy Akin, he went to college. He can tie a necktie, he doesn't smell like urine. That's the problem with America, we have a bunch of crazy people who clean up good." –Bill Maher

"The Republican convention was worried that it was going to be postponed or maybe completely canceled because of Hurricane Isaac. This is serious stuff. CNN is on full Blitzer." –David Letterman

"This year the theme of the Republican convention is '50 Shades of White.'" –David Letterman

"NASA has actually landed a car on Mars. It's called the Curiosity. That vehicle, now on Mars, cost two and a half million dollars. But when you drive that thing off the lot, instantly it's worth less than half that." –David Letterman

"They test drove the Curiosity over the weekend and it was digging a hole. It got bigger and bigger, digging a huge deep hole. It's like Todd Akin." –David Letterman

"It looks like Hurricane Isaac has delayed the Republican convention for one day. See, I think the Republicans should use these 60-mile an-hour winds to their advantage. Mitt Romney should walk about there and go, here are my tax returns for the last 10 years....Oh my gosh, what happened?'" –Jay Leno

"This is a big storm. In fact, Isaac has scared more senior citizens than Paul Ryan." –Jay Leno

"Some of the Republicans, I think, are over-reacting to Hurricane Isaac — like today Rick Santorum was seen gathering up two of every animal." –Jay Leno

"Herman Cain was in Tampa. When a reporter asked him if Isaac reminded him of Katrina, he said, 'I never even met the woman.'" –Jay Leno

"It seems the GOP has placed 13,000 umbrellas in bins outside the hall for people to use. Delegates can't bring them inside for security reasons, so after you use the umbrella, you drop it off for the next person to use. That sounds like creeping socialism." –Jay Leno

"President Obama brews his own beer in the White House. In honor of Joe Biden, they put it in a special big mouth bottle." –Jay Leno

"This is my favorite statistic so far. According to a new poll, Mitt Romney is at zero percent among African American voters. And I don't think the GOP slogan at convention is helping any: 'See what white can do for you.'" –Jay Leno

"Donald Trump was bumped from speaking at the Republican convention because of Hurricane Isaac. See, nobody ever talks about the good things hurricanes do." –Jay Leno

"According to a poll released last week, Mitt Romney has zero percent of the black vote. In fact, if it weren't for John Boehner, Romney wouldn't have any support from people of color at all." –Jay Leno

"President Obama is seeking to make his case with first-time voters. Well, you can understand why. Second-time voters have graduated and can't find a job." –Jay Leno

"President Obama is brewing his own beer in the White House. Actually, the White House beer is a lot like the Obama administration – great buzz, weak finish." –Jay Leno

"According to The New York Times, Iraq now loves American fast food. They hate us but they love our fast food. This is how we work. We force democracy on them and then we sneak in morbid obesity." –David Letterman

"A group of coal miners in Ohio said that their bosses forced them to attend a Mitt Romney campaign event. You know you're boring when people would rather dig coal than listen to you speak." –Conan O'Brien

"Some Russians are claiming that Putin's election was rigged and that he has no legitimate claim to power. You know what these Russians are called? Missing." –Craig Ferguson

"Did you all watch the Republican convention last night? It's good to see scripted television finally making a comeback." –Jay Leno

"Ann Romney spoke last night. I thought she was quite eloquent. Analysts say her role was to show that Mitt has a tender side. And then the Romney family dog gave the rebuttal." –Jay Leno

"Hurricane Isaac turned out to be not much of a threat to the Republican convention. But to their credit, the Republicans had a contingency plan. If the hurricane did hit hard, delegates were instructed to evacuate to Mitt Romney's tax shelter." –Jay Leno

 "I thought Mitt Romney's wife Ann did a good job at the Republican convention. During her speech, she said after they got married, she and Mitt lived in a basement. It was a 2-room basement on the French Riviera." –Conan O'Brien

"Chris Christie gave the keynote address. In his speech he said the word 'I' 37 times, 'Romney' 7 times, and 'jobs' only once. And then there was the 622 times he said the word 'ham.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday a medical marijuana group officially endorsed President Obama for president. Doesn't really help Obama though, because they were just getting around to endorsing him for 2008." –Conan O'Brien

"Chris Christie's message was Romney will be the guy to tells America the hard truth. Romney is that guy. And I thought, well, wait a minute, Chris, I've got a hard truth for you. How about hopping on the treadmill?" –David Letterman

August 27, 2012

"You know who is going to be at Tampa for the Republican Convention? Gov. Chris Christie from New Jersey. On his way down there the last they heard from him he was on I-95 at the truck scales." –David Letterman

"Today Todd Akin was named Democratic Party Employee of the Month." –David Letterman

"Actually, Mitt Romney and Hurricane Isaac have something in common. They can both change directions at any moment." –Jay Leno

"Rest assured, no matter how high those winds get, not a single hair on Romney's or Paul Ryan's head will move. They have guaranteed that." –Jay Leno

"It’s now being reported that Joe Biden will go to the Republican convention to try to cause problems for Mitt Romney. Then after that, he will go to the Democratic convention where he will definitely cause problems for President Obama." –Jay Leno

"The Obama campaign announced that theirs will be the first political campaign to accept donations via text message. The president is hoping it's a way to engage grass-roots supporters to give money. A friend of mine tried to donate money and ended up voting for Sanjaya." –Jimmy Kimmel

"CNN plans to air a 90-minute documentary on Mitt Romney before the Republican National Convention. Yeah, 90 minutes of Mitt Romney. Even Red Bull is like, 'This is outta my league, bro.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"According to a new report by the Tax Policy Center, the gap between the rich and the super rich is growing wider. This could split the Republican Party in two. The haves fighting the really haves." –Jay Leno

"Happy birthday to gold medalist sprinter Usain Bolt. He turned 26 this week. You know the sad thing? His world record time has already been broken by Republicans running away from Missouri Congressman Todd Akin." –Jay Leno

"It was just announced that most of the speakers at this year’s Democratic National Convention will be women. But it’s going to be annoying when they stop speaking, but won’t tell you why." –Jimmy Fallon

"Todd Akin, the Republican Senate candidate from Missouri, is under fire for his controversial comments that women who are 'legitimately raped are less likely to get pregnant.' The good news? Candidates who are legitimately that stupid are less likely to get elected." –Jay Leno

"Akin announced that he is staying in the race. Is that a surprise? A guy who knows so little about a woman's body doesn't know when it's time to pull out." –Jay Leno

"At a campaign stop in Ohio, a group of senior citizens greeted Republican Vice President nominee Paul Ryan and yelled 'Good luck!' It’s good to see the cast of 'The Expendables 2' is everywhere this week." –Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney has asked Todd Akin to step down. That's too bad. Todd Akin was the guy to lead the Republican Party into the 16th century." –David Letterman

"Mitt Romney is worth half a billion dollars and he's saying he pays 13 percent annually in taxes. Al Capone paid more than 13 percent in taxes, ladies and gentlemen." –David Letterman

"Today the Republicans are getting ready for the convention. They're busy down there in Florida auditioning minorities." –David Letterman

"Paul Ryan is a dedicated congressman. He sleeps in his office. And I got to thinking, 'What? Isn't that what got Clinton in trouble?'" –David Letterman

"Six days after Paul Ryan was picked to be Mitt Romney's running mate, a shirtless photo of him finally turned up on TMZ. The photo of Ryan with his wife was taken six years ago while they were on vacation in Oklahoma, which raises an interesting question: Who goes on vacation in Oklahoma?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Meanwhile, Mitt Romney is refusing to release more than the first four inches of his torso, though he insists he has nothing to hide." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Paul Ryan just released his tax returns for the last two years, and it turns out he and his wife had a combined income of over $323,000 last year. To which Mitt Romney said, 'See, I do reach out to poor people." –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney says he's never paid less than 13% in taxes, which I think is fair because only 13% of his money is in this country." –Jay Leno

"The Pennsylvania voter ID law, according to one study...will disenfranchise 9% of the entire Pennsylvania electorate. But that's the price you pay for preventing something that doesn't happen." –Jon Stewart

"Are you excited about Paul Ryan? He's a far, far-right ideologue. The Republican base loves him. He's kind of an English-speaking version of Sarah Palin." –Bill Maher

"Paul Ryan wants to dismantle Medicare as we know it, cut way back on unemployment benefits, raise taxes on the middle class, give much bigger tax breaks for the rich people. Or as your idiot brother in law puts it, 'Finally someone who cares about me.'" –Bill Maher

"New Rule: Scientists must explain how it's possible that the tiny island country of Jamaica can at the same time possess all the most stoned people in the world and all the fastest people in the world." –Bill Maher

"In a new interview with Fortune magazine, Mitt Romney says he wants to cut funding for PBS. When he heard that, Oscar the Grouch was like, 'Seriously? I already live in a garbage can — how much worse can my life get?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Mitt Romney said he will not release any more tax returns. He said that he guarantees that he paid at least 13 percent every year. 13 percent? That's not a tax, that's a tip. In fact, it's even a crappy tip." –Jay Leno

"Paul Ryan looks like a guy who owns his own chain of nursing homes." –David Letterman

"When Facebook stock went on the market, it was priced at $38 a share. Now, a share is worth $18.99. Market analysts have said we're not posting enough pictures of our cats on Facebook." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Some investors are suing Facebook saying they were misled. Their CEO is a kid in a hoodie. That's how much we have been misled." –Jimmy Kimmel

August 10, 2012

"Tough Olympic news for the Romneys. Ann Romney's horse Rafalka did not advance to the Olympic finals. Apparently it was beat by a smooth-talking socialist horse from Kenya." –Conan O'Brien

"Romney's Olympic horse is named Rafalco. She said I needed a silly name that no one's ever heard of before and Mitt was taken." –Conan O'Brien

"Big story at the Olympics regarding Michael Phelps. He stepped out with his girlfriend for the first time. She is a 25-year-old model from Los Angeles. Like every other model in L.A., She's dating an older retired guy. What's going on?" –Conan O'Brien

"I think the scores for Olympic gymnastics are affected by what countries the judge and the gymnast are from. That's wrong. That type of political pandering isn't meant for gymnastic Olympic events. It's meant for the Supreme Court." –Craig Ferguson

"Mitt Romney is claiming he’s going to create 12 million jobs in his first term. But he hasn’t said yet if he’ll create them in China or India.” –Conan O'Brien

"A former U.S. Olympic swimmer in an interview said that nearly all elite competitive swimmers pee in the pool regularly. So apparently I am an elite competitive swimmer." –Conan O'Brien

"An American judo fighter was expelled from the Olympics after testing positive for marijuana. Officials became suspicious when he kept stopping the match and saying, 'What are we fighting for, man?'" –Conan O'Brien

“I would like to congratulate the team at NASA’s jet propulsion lab. You deserve every missed high five of your celebration.” –Stephen Colbert

August 3, 2012

"The Queen of England jumped out of a helicopter and parachuted into the stadium. What was even more amazing was when Prince Charles flew in using his ears as a hang glider." –Jay Leno, on the opening ceremony for the London Olympics

"The Olympics have just started and the Greeks are already 14 medals in debt." –Conan O'Brien

"Mitt Romney is getting a lot of attention for a series of gaffes he's made while he's in London. And in response, Romney said that he has nothing but respect for the people of England, especially their monarch, Queen Latifah." –Jimmy Fallon

"The favorite to win the Olympic gold medal in archery is a legally blind athlete from South Korea, mainly because everyone else is too scared to compete next to him." –Jimmy Fallon

"Officials at the London Olympics will be conducting 5,000 tests for steroids. Or as Lance Armstrong calls that, 'a Monday.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Next week, President Obama will celebrate his 51st birthday. Obama already got one really nice gift: Mitt Romney’s trip to London." –Jimmy Fallon

"I read that one of the presidential debates will have a town hall format where citizens will ask the candidates questions. The most common question: 'Are you the only two choices?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie said he will think about running for president in 2016 if Obama wins in November. But until then he said he'll just think about pancakes." –Jimmy Fallon

"Scotland announced that it will legalize gay marriage. I don't know what's bigger news, that Scotland did that or that a country where guys wear plaid skirts didn't already have gay marriage." –Jimmy Fallon

"Campaigns have finally arrived in the 21st century. They can produce bulls**t at the same rate as actual bulls." –Lewis Black on The Daily Show

"Here's a rule of thumb. If you have to follow your claim with the words 'I don’t know if that’s true,' then shut up. Otherwise you might as well put a dead cocker spaniel on your head and start yelling about birth certificates." –Jon Stewart blasts Harry Reid for speculating Mitt Romney didn't pay taxes for 10 years

"Naturally the U.S. trails in gold medals because every time we win one, we hand it over to the Chinese to pay off our debt." –Stephen Colbert

"Saudi Arabia's first female athlete will be allowed to compete while wearing a head scarf. The Saudi woman said she was thrilled about the ruling all she needs now is a man to drive her to the Olympics." –Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday Michael Phelps set an all-time Olympic record for most medals. Phelps has so much gold on his chest he's been asked to join the cast of 'Jersey Shore.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Did you hear this big scandal? Eight female badminton players were expelled from the Olympics for trying to lose on purpose. So tragically, they'll never have another chance to play badminton unless they get invited to a picnic." –Conan O'Brien

"They're calling it the worst drought in 56 years. That seems to me unnecessarily negative. Couldn't it be the best drought in 56 years?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"All in all a successful trip. Best of all, Romney has checked three countries off the list of '1000 Places To Offend People Before You Die.'" –Stephen Colbert

"Like Palin, Rafalca's female, also doesn't read newspapers, and has completed the same number of terms as governor." –Stephen Colbert, on Ann Romney's horse that competed in the Olympic Dressage event

"So far China has won the most gold medals, ladies and gentlemen. The Chinese athletes can't wait to get home and show the medals off to the kids who made them." –Conan O'Brien

"Olympic organizers are reportedly struggling to fill rows and rows of empty seats. Empty seats! In fact, yesterday officials put out a casting call asking for 200 Europeans or eight Americans." –Conan O'Brien

"Some people are saying that the reason Michael Phelps isn't doing so well is because he let himself get too out of shape. I just have to say that I have been watching the Olympics, and if that guy is out of shape, I have been dead for five years." –Conan O'Brien

"An Australian swimmer who failed to win a gold medal is blaming her loss on social media. In her defense, it is really hard to tweet when you're swimming." –Conan O'Brien

"Equestrian and sailing are sports for people growing up on the mean streets of Connecticut." –Craig Ferguson

"The word "sailing" sounds cool. It sounds better than "yachting," which sounds like something Mitt Romney does in his indoor lake." –Craig Ferguson

"Everything went smoothly at the sailing events today, except for the British team. They forgot to bring limes and they all got scurvy." –Craig Ferguson