August 27, 2012

"You know who is going to be at Tampa for the Republican Convention? Gov. Chris Christie from New Jersey. On his way down there the last they heard from him he was on I-95 at the truck scales." –David Letterman

"Today Todd Akin was named Democratic Party Employee of the Month." –David Letterman

"Actually, Mitt Romney and Hurricane Isaac have something in common. They can both change directions at any moment." –Jay Leno

"Rest assured, no matter how high those winds get, not a single hair on Romney's or Paul Ryan's head will move. They have guaranteed that." –Jay Leno

"It’s now being reported that Joe Biden will go to the Republican convention to try to cause problems for Mitt Romney. Then after that, he will go to the Democratic convention where he will definitely cause problems for President Obama." –Jay Leno

"The Obama campaign announced that theirs will be the first political campaign to accept donations via text message. The president is hoping it's a way to engage grass-roots supporters to give money. A friend of mine tried to donate money and ended up voting for Sanjaya." –Jimmy Kimmel

"CNN plans to air a 90-minute documentary on Mitt Romney before the Republican National Convention. Yeah, 90 minutes of Mitt Romney. Even Red Bull is like, 'This is outta my league, bro.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"According to a new report by the Tax Policy Center, the gap between the rich and the super rich is growing wider. This could split the Republican Party in two. The haves fighting the really haves." –Jay Leno

"Happy birthday to gold medalist sprinter Usain Bolt. He turned 26 this week. You know the sad thing? His world record time has already been broken by Republicans running away from Missouri Congressman Todd Akin." –Jay Leno

"It was just announced that most of the speakers at this year’s Democratic National Convention will be women. But it’s going to be annoying when they stop speaking, but won’t tell you why." –Jimmy Fallon

"Todd Akin, the Republican Senate candidate from Missouri, is under fire for his controversial comments that women who are 'legitimately raped are less likely to get pregnant.' The good news? Candidates who are legitimately that stupid are less likely to get elected." –Jay Leno

"Akin announced that he is staying in the race. Is that a surprise? A guy who knows so little about a woman's body doesn't know when it's time to pull out." –Jay Leno

"At a campaign stop in Ohio, a group of senior citizens greeted Republican Vice President nominee Paul Ryan and yelled 'Good luck!' It’s good to see the cast of 'The Expendables 2' is everywhere this week." –Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney has asked Todd Akin to step down. That's too bad. Todd Akin was the guy to lead the Republican Party into the 16th century." –David Letterman

"Mitt Romney is worth half a billion dollars and he's saying he pays 13 percent annually in taxes. Al Capone paid more than 13 percent in taxes, ladies and gentlemen." –David Letterman

"Today the Republicans are getting ready for the convention. They're busy down there in Florida auditioning minorities." –David Letterman

"Paul Ryan is a dedicated congressman. He sleeps in his office. And I got to thinking, 'What? Isn't that what got Clinton in trouble?'" –David Letterman

"Six days after Paul Ryan was picked to be Mitt Romney's running mate, a shirtless photo of him finally turned up on TMZ. The photo of Ryan with his wife was taken six years ago while they were on vacation in Oklahoma, which raises an interesting question: Who goes on vacation in Oklahoma?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Meanwhile, Mitt Romney is refusing to release more than the first four inches of his torso, though he insists he has nothing to hide." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Paul Ryan just released his tax returns for the last two years, and it turns out he and his wife had a combined income of over $323,000 last year. To which Mitt Romney said, 'See, I do reach out to poor people." –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney says he's never paid less than 13% in taxes, which I think is fair because only 13% of his money is in this country." –Jay Leno

"The Pennsylvania voter ID law, according to one study...will disenfranchise 9% of the entire Pennsylvania electorate. But that's the price you pay for preventing something that doesn't happen." –Jon Stewart

"Are you excited about Paul Ryan? He's a far, far-right ideologue. The Republican base loves him. He's kind of an English-speaking version of Sarah Palin." –Bill Maher

"Paul Ryan wants to dismantle Medicare as we know it, cut way back on unemployment benefits, raise taxes on the middle class, give much bigger tax breaks for the rich people. Or as your idiot brother in law puts it, 'Finally someone who cares about me.'" –Bill Maher

"New Rule: Scientists must explain how it's possible that the tiny island country of Jamaica can at the same time possess all the most stoned people in the world and all the fastest people in the world." –Bill Maher

"In a new interview with Fortune magazine, Mitt Romney says he wants to cut funding for PBS. When he heard that, Oscar the Grouch was like, 'Seriously? I already live in a garbage can — how much worse can my life get?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Mitt Romney said he will not release any more tax returns. He said that he guarantees that he paid at least 13 percent every year. 13 percent? That's not a tax, that's a tip. In fact, it's even a crappy tip." –Jay Leno

"Paul Ryan looks like a guy who owns his own chain of nursing homes." –David Letterman

"When Facebook stock went on the market, it was priced at $38 a share. Now, a share is worth $18.99. Market analysts have said we're not posting enough pictures of our cats on Facebook." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Some investors are suing Facebook saying they were misled. Their CEO is a kid in a hoodie. That's how much we have been misled." –Jimmy Kimmel