August 3, 2012

"The Queen of England jumped out of a helicopter and parachuted into the stadium. What was even more amazing was when Prince Charles flew in using his ears as a hang glider." –Jay Leno, on the opening ceremony for the London Olympics

"The Olympics have just started and the Greeks are already 14 medals in debt." –Conan O'Brien

"Mitt Romney is getting a lot of attention for a series of gaffes he's made while he's in London. And in response, Romney said that he has nothing but respect for the people of England, especially their monarch, Queen Latifah." –Jimmy Fallon

"The favorite to win the Olympic gold medal in archery is a legally blind athlete from South Korea, mainly because everyone else is too scared to compete next to him." –Jimmy Fallon

"Officials at the London Olympics will be conducting 5,000 tests for steroids. Or as Lance Armstrong calls that, 'a Monday.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Next week, President Obama will celebrate his 51st birthday. Obama already got one really nice gift: Mitt Romney’s trip to London." –Jimmy Fallon

"I read that one of the presidential debates will have a town hall format where citizens will ask the candidates questions. The most common question: 'Are you the only two choices?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie said he will think about running for president in 2016 if Obama wins in November. But until then he said he'll just think about pancakes." –Jimmy Fallon

"Scotland announced that it will legalize gay marriage. I don't know what's bigger news, that Scotland did that or that a country where guys wear plaid skirts didn't already have gay marriage." –Jimmy Fallon

"Campaigns have finally arrived in the 21st century. They can produce bulls**t at the same rate as actual bulls." –Lewis Black on The Daily Show

"Here's a rule of thumb. If you have to follow your claim with the words 'I don’t know if that’s true,' then shut up. Otherwise you might as well put a dead cocker spaniel on your head and start yelling about birth certificates." –Jon Stewart blasts Harry Reid for speculating Mitt Romney didn't pay taxes for 10 years

"Naturally the U.S. trails in gold medals because every time we win one, we hand it over to the Chinese to pay off our debt." –Stephen Colbert

"Saudi Arabia's first female athlete will be allowed to compete while wearing a head scarf. The Saudi woman said she was thrilled about the ruling all she needs now is a man to drive her to the Olympics." –Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday Michael Phelps set an all-time Olympic record for most medals. Phelps has so much gold on his chest he's been asked to join the cast of 'Jersey Shore.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Did you hear this big scandal? Eight female badminton players were expelled from the Olympics for trying to lose on purpose. So tragically, they'll never have another chance to play badminton unless they get invited to a picnic." –Conan O'Brien

"They're calling it the worst drought in 56 years. That seems to me unnecessarily negative. Couldn't it be the best drought in 56 years?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"All in all a successful trip. Best of all, Romney has checked three countries off the list of '1000 Places To Offend People Before You Die.'" –Stephen Colbert

"Like Palin, Rafalca's female, also doesn't read newspapers, and has completed the same number of terms as governor." –Stephen Colbert, on Ann Romney's horse that competed in the Olympic Dressage event

"So far China has won the most gold medals, ladies and gentlemen. The Chinese athletes can't wait to get home and show the medals off to the kids who made them." –Conan O'Brien

"Olympic organizers are reportedly struggling to fill rows and rows of empty seats. Empty seats! In fact, yesterday officials put out a casting call asking for 200 Europeans or eight Americans." –Conan O'Brien

"Some people are saying that the reason Michael Phelps isn't doing so well is because he let himself get too out of shape. I just have to say that I have been watching the Olympics, and if that guy is out of shape, I have been dead for five years." –Conan O'Brien

"An Australian swimmer who failed to win a gold medal is blaming her loss on social media. In her defense, it is really hard to tweet when you're swimming." –Conan O'Brien

"Equestrian and sailing are sports for people growing up on the mean streets of Connecticut." –Craig Ferguson

"The word "sailing" sounds cool. It sounds better than "yachting," which sounds like something Mitt Romney does in his indoor lake." –Craig Ferguson

"Everything went smoothly at the sailing events today, except for the British team. They forgot to bring limes and they all got scurvy." –Craig Ferguson