August 31, 2012

"A hurricane is scheduled to hit Tampa during the Republican Convention. These winds are so strong they could actually blow some of Mitt Romney's money back in the United States." –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan had a campaign event at an apple orchard... There was one awkward moment when they told the granny smiths they were considering cutting their Medicare." –Jimmy Fallon

"Mitt Romney went birther today. He was in Michigan, where he was born, and he said, 'No one has ever asked to see my birth certificate.' Right, because you weren't born. You have a warranty card." –Bill Maher

"There was an awkward moment for Mitt Romney today. He was practicing his speech and he took a pregnant pause and they made him carry it to term." –Bill Maher

"Todd Akin is getting death threats. They have narrowed it down the list to all women, everywhere." –Bill Maher

"I'm not surprised there are people in America who believe things like this. But usually they don't own shoes and they live in an abandoned school bus and they smell like urine. But this guy Akin, he went to college. He can tie a necktie, he doesn't smell like urine. That's the problem with America, we have a bunch of crazy people who clean up good." –Bill Maher

"The Republican convention was worried that it was going to be postponed or maybe completely canceled because of Hurricane Isaac. This is serious stuff. CNN is on full Blitzer." –David Letterman

"This year the theme of the Republican convention is '50 Shades of White.'" –David Letterman

"NASA has actually landed a car on Mars. It's called the Curiosity. That vehicle, now on Mars, cost two and a half million dollars. But when you drive that thing off the lot, instantly it's worth less than half that." –David Letterman

"They test drove the Curiosity over the weekend and it was digging a hole. It got bigger and bigger, digging a huge deep hole. It's like Todd Akin." –David Letterman

"It looks like Hurricane Isaac has delayed the Republican convention for one day. See, I think the Republicans should use these 60-mile an-hour winds to their advantage. Mitt Romney should walk about there and go, here are my tax returns for the last 10 years....Oh my gosh, what happened?'" –Jay Leno

"This is a big storm. In fact, Isaac has scared more senior citizens than Paul Ryan." –Jay Leno

"Some of the Republicans, I think, are over-reacting to Hurricane Isaac — like today Rick Santorum was seen gathering up two of every animal." –Jay Leno

"Herman Cain was in Tampa. When a reporter asked him if Isaac reminded him of Katrina, he said, 'I never even met the woman.'" –Jay Leno

"It seems the GOP has placed 13,000 umbrellas in bins outside the hall for people to use. Delegates can't bring them inside for security reasons, so after you use the umbrella, you drop it off for the next person to use. That sounds like creeping socialism." –Jay Leno

"President Obama brews his own beer in the White House. In honor of Joe Biden, they put it in a special big mouth bottle." –Jay Leno

"This is my favorite statistic so far. According to a new poll, Mitt Romney is at zero percent among African American voters. And I don't think the GOP slogan at convention is helping any: 'See what white can do for you.'" –Jay Leno

"Donald Trump was bumped from speaking at the Republican convention because of Hurricane Isaac. See, nobody ever talks about the good things hurricanes do." –Jay Leno

"According to a poll released last week, Mitt Romney has zero percent of the black vote. In fact, if it weren't for John Boehner, Romney wouldn't have any support from people of color at all." –Jay Leno

"President Obama is seeking to make his case with first-time voters. Well, you can understand why. Second-time voters have graduated and can't find a job." –Jay Leno

"President Obama is brewing his own beer in the White House. Actually, the White House beer is a lot like the Obama administration – great buzz, weak finish." –Jay Leno

"According to The New York Times, Iraq now loves American fast food. They hate us but they love our fast food. This is how we work. We force democracy on them and then we sneak in morbid obesity." –David Letterman

"A group of coal miners in Ohio said that their bosses forced them to attend a Mitt Romney campaign event. You know you're boring when people would rather dig coal than listen to you speak." –Conan O'Brien

"Some Russians are claiming that Putin's election was rigged and that he has no legitimate claim to power. You know what these Russians are called? Missing." –Craig Ferguson

"Did you all watch the Republican convention last night? It's good to see scripted television finally making a comeback." –Jay Leno

"Ann Romney spoke last night. I thought she was quite eloquent. Analysts say her role was to show that Mitt has a tender side. And then the Romney family dog gave the rebuttal." –Jay Leno

"Hurricane Isaac turned out to be not much of a threat to the Republican convention. But to their credit, the Republicans had a contingency plan. If the hurricane did hit hard, delegates were instructed to evacuate to Mitt Romney's tax shelter." –Jay Leno

 "I thought Mitt Romney's wife Ann did a good job at the Republican convention. During her speech, she said after they got married, she and Mitt lived in a basement. It was a 2-room basement on the French Riviera." –Conan O'Brien

"Chris Christie gave the keynote address. In his speech he said the word 'I' 37 times, 'Romney' 7 times, and 'jobs' only once. And then there was the 622 times he said the word 'ham.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday a medical marijuana group officially endorsed President Obama for president. Doesn't really help Obama though, because they were just getting around to endorsing him for 2008." –Conan O'Brien

"Chris Christie's message was Romney will be the guy to tells America the hard truth. Romney is that guy. And I thought, well, wait a minute, Chris, I've got a hard truth for you. How about hopping on the treadmill?" –David Letterman