September 28, 2012

"Mitt Romney on Friday released his 2011 tax returns, which showed he paid 14 percent rate, so just a little less than what restaurants add on for parties of six or more." –Seth Meyers

"The 14 percent tax rate Romney paid is less than the 20 percent paid by the average American. How does he pay such a low rate? He claims 47 percent of Americans as dependents." –Seth Meyers

"In an interview Thursday, Ann Romney responded to criticism of her husband's presidential campaign, saying, 'Stop it. This is hard. You want to try it? Get in the ring.' In response, the interviewer entered the race, and is leading Mitt Romney by five points." –Seth Meyers

"Even republicans are now tiptoeing way from Mitt Romney. They're very upset about this video. They say it shows Romney doing something very stupid: expressing the core beliefs of the Republican Party publicly." –Bill Maher

"In an interview with Univision, President Obama said if there's one thing he's learned, it's that you can't change Washington from within. So what is he saying — that if we want real change, we should throw him out?" –Jay Leno

"Obama has gone from 'Yes we can.' to 'I'm sorry. No one can.'" –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney's campaign released his 2011 tax return. Democrats still want him to release all his tax returns for the last 10 years. Romney says he can't do it, and he's got a good excuse. He says his dog ate them and then Obama ate the dog." –Jay Leno

"The economy is so bad, instead of Secret Service protection, the White House is using replacement refs to guard President Obama." –Jay Leno

"It's been a rough week for Mitt Romney. Former Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty has quit as co-chair of Mitt Romney's presidential campaign. I think the technical term is 'jumping ship.'" –Jay Leno

"I saw a guy today scraping a Romney bumper sticker off his car. It was Paul Ryan." –Jay Leno

"A lot of people are commenting that Mitt Romney is looking extremely tan lately. In fact, if Romney gets any darker he's not going to vote for himself." –Conan O'Brien

"New documents show that Mitt Romney's campaign is $11 million in debt. First Romney's advisers had to explain that he was running out of money. Then they had to explain to him what running out of money means." –Jimmy Fallon

"A new poll says 75 percent of Americans feel little or no personal connection to Mitt Romney. And it gets worse. The poll was of his family." –Craig Ferguson

"Mitt Romney's campaign said Obama is spiking the ball too early in Ohio after recent polls show Obama pulling ahead. Obama hasn't earned that win yet, which is why today the NFL replacement refs just gave it to him anyway." –Jimmy Fallon

"At a recent concert, Madonna told the audience she would strip naked if President Obama is re-elected. In a related story, President Obama is now trailing in the polls by 97 percent." –Conan O'Brien

"It's rumored that in a recent Univision interview, Mitt Romney wore makeup to appeal to Latino voters. I can't wait to see Romney's appearance on BET." –Conan O'Brien

"Let me tell you how crazy Iran's president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, is. Today he actually defended the NFL's replacement refs." –Jay Leno

"President Obama is so confident that he's thinking about letting Joe Biden start speaking again." –Jay Leno

"Iran's president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, is always angry. Yesterday he said, however, that in fact he does not hate gay people. He went on to say that Iran is on its way to developing one of its own." –David Letterman

"The latest Quinnipiac, New York Times, CBS, TCBY poll has Obama up by 10 points in Ohio, 9 points in Florida, and 12 points in Pennsylvania. I don't get it. How could Romney be behind? He's so popular, fans are releasing bootlegs of his speeches." –Stephen Colbert

"God is three undecided voters: the father, the son and the holy spirit. You gotta figure the son is leaning Obama, what with the long hair, and the loaf and fish handouts to the poor. Get a job, hippie!" –Stephen Colbert

"Clint Eastwood’s new movie, “Trouble with the Curve,” opened in third place this weekend after making only $12 million. Of course, when he saw a movie theater had so many empty seats, Eastwood was like, 'Look at these crowds!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Congratulations to both Mitt Romney and President Obama. They both won Emmys for their performance on "60 Minutes" last night. Obama won for acting as if everything has gotten better over the last four years, and Romney won for pretending to care about that other 47 percent." –Jay Leno

"A woman in Tampa, Florida, who is in danger of being foreclosed on, put a giant sign on her roof reading, "Obama, please save my home." To which Obama said, "Hey lady, I'm trying not to get thrown out of my own house, OK?" –Jay Leno

"A new book claims the reason Texas Gov. Rick Perry did so terrible in the debates and forgot everything was due to a sleep disorder. Apparently the disorder was he slept through grade school, high school and college." –Jay Leno

"The president of Iran is in New York today. President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is visiting the U.N. He's been in America one day and he's already surged past Mitt Romney in the polls." –Craig Ferguson

September 21, 2012

"A new poll shows that after the Democratic National Convention, President Obama got a four-point bounce in the polls, which means that's he's now only five points behind Bill Clinton." –Seth Meyers

"It's nice to know that no matter how bad things get in the Middle East, Mitt Romney is always there to make them worse. You saw him this week when our embassies were under attack, before any facts were in he tried to score political points because he sees everything as a business opportunity. This is a man who would sell ad time during a moment of silence." –Bill Maher

"A lot of Republicans are blaming Obama for all of this because he's weak. Right, you know what, if we were attacked in Egypt, Libya, and Yemen, George Bush would know what to do. Invade Iraq." –Bill Maher

"Mitt Romney went on live with Kelly and Michael and tried to answer these hardball questions. He was asked what he wears to bed. He said, 'as little as possible." Wow, there's a switch, Romney giving too much information." –Bill Maher

"He told us all about their sex life. Sometimes he and Ann turn off the lights and play 'find my tax returns.'" –Bill Maher

"It's Fall. Unless you're Mitt Romney, and then it's freefall." –David Letterman

"I like Mitt. Listen to this. He has alienated the young people, alienated the old people, alienated women, alienated minorities, alienated gays. I'm telling you, this takes talent." –David Letterman

"Romney said he doesn’t watch ‘Keeping up with the Kardashians’ because if Romney wants to see rich people say dumb things on camera he can watch that fundraiser video." –Jimmy Fallon

"What are they talking about? Romney has given some very specific figures. For instance, he is willing to piss off exactly 47% of the voters." –Stephen Colbert

"Yes, President Romney will not take God off our coins. And that is so important because right now, just like God, the value of our currency really has to be taken on faith." –Stephen Colbert

"As part of the strategy for the upcoming presidential debates, the Obama campaign is attempting to lower expectations. And believe, if there's one thing that President Obama is good at lately, it's lowering expectations." –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney said the 47 percent of people who don't pay taxes are going to vote for Obama. You know what that means? He's going to vote for Obama." –Jay Leno

"All of these political strategists are trying to explain why Mitt Romney can't seem to get his message out. I'm no strategist but it's hard to talk with both a silver spoon and a foot in your mouth." –Jay Leno

"A Pakistani man died yesterday after inhaling fumes from burning an American flag. Good! Thank you. See, let me show you how incredible that is. We don't have to defend the American flag. It can defend itself." –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney said if he had Mexican parents, he'd have a better shot of winning...But unfortunately Romney was tragically held back by being born of rich white people." –Conan O'Brien

"It is high time that the GOP stop trying to appeal to smart people – and letting Rick Santorum in front of a microphone is a great place to start." –Stephen Colbert, on Santorum's remarks that "smart people will never be on our side"

"According to the Labor Department, unemployment fell from 8.3 percent to 8.1 percent last month. But that's because 368,000 Americans gave up looking for work. Today, President Obama said that's a step in the right direction, and he is encouraging more Americans to give up looking for work." –Jay Leno

"Anti-American crowds have been protesting and burning American flags over that anti-Islamic film. And the U.S. is now bracing for more protests next week when the film comes out on Blu-ray." –Jay Leno

"I'm watching the news, and I see these protesters in countries like Egypt, Afghanistan, Tunisia. They're all burning American flags. Where are they getting all these flags? If you hate us so much, how do you have a large supply of flags on hand?" –Jay Leno

"All over the world people are chanting, 'Death to America.' Except in China, where they're chanting, 'Not until we get our money back.'" –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney is in Los Angeles today for a fundraiser. So that's one more handsome guy in L.A. auditioning for a role he probably won't get." –Conan O'Brien

"Mitt Romney is trailing in the polls. After being accused of being too vague, Romney's campaign team says they will start being more specific. When asked when, they said, 'Soon-ish.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Arnold Schwarzenegger has written a new book about his affair with his Hispanic housekeeper, and the book is actually called 'Total Recall.' In response, she's written a book about their affair called 'Alien vs. Predator.'" –Conan O'Brien

September 14, 2012

"The conventions were so different. The Democrats finally look like a real political party; the Republicans look like a seminar for how to flip real estate for Jesus." –Bill Maher

"The Democratic convention looked like the America I see when I walk down the street. The Republican convention looked like 'Antiques Roadshow.'" –Bill Maher

"Did you see that Bill Clinton speech? One by one he picked apart and destroyed every claim of the Romney-Ryan campaign. In fact, today Todd Akin said it qualified as a legitimate rape." –Bill Maher

"Of course, it made the Republicans furious. They said, 'No fair. Not everyone has an ex-president who can speak.'" –Bill Maher

"Clinton was just devastating in his simplicity. He said, 'I came from a place where people still thought 2 and 2 was four.' And over at Fox News they said, 'Get the fact checkers on that.'" –Bill Maher

"Clinton killed them with one word: arithmetic. He said Republicans lack skills in arithmetic, which by the way, is not fair to Sarah Palin because if there's one thing her family has proved it can do is multiply." –Bill Maher

"It seems only 96,000 jobs were added last month. And half of those were strippers working the conventions." –Jay Leno

The economy is so bad, I saw Mitt Romney at the supermarket buying Lobster Helper." –Jay Leno

"The economy is so bad, Clint Eastwood talked to a chair while going through the cushions looking for spare change." –Jay Leno

"There was a big shakeup on 'American Idol.' There is still a vacant judge's seat. The producers are in a great hurry to fill the empty seat before Clint Eastwood shows up and starts yelling at it." –Craig Ferguson

"Mitt, you just keep demanding that Americans answer the question: are you better off than you were four years ago? But just don't answer it yourself, cause that would mean releasing more than two years of tax returns." –Stephen Colbert

"Both conventions are over, and if you watched, I think it's pretty clear who should be the next president of the United States – Bill Clinton. He was unbelievable. According to Democrats, he won the election for Obama, he helped the cowboys beat the Giants, and he even had time to go to Hooters afterward." –Jay Leno

"President Obama's speech was moved from the Bank of America stadium to the Time Warner Cable Arena. They had to move out of the big venue into a smaller place. Like a lot of homeowners in the past four years." –Jay Leno

"We got some bad economic news. The United States has slipped further down the global ranking of the world's most competitive economies. We're now #7. Switzerland is number one. Romney said, 'See, that's why I keep my money there.'" –Jay Leno

"Computer hackers claim to have stolen Mitt Romney's tax returns and are willing to leak them publicly unless the Romney campaign agrees to pay them $1 million. This is such an unethical money-making scheme that Mitt Romney said he was quite impressed. 'I could use these guys at Bain Capital.'" –Jay Leno

"The signature question of this presidential campaign is, "Are you better off than you were four years ago?" As a comedian, I have to say no. I miss Bush and Cheney; they were the golden age. I wish they were here. I am not better off." –Jay Leno

"Today Scarlett Johansson, Kerry Washington, and Eva Longoria all spoke at the Democratic convention. This means that Obama has all about clinched the crucial 13-year-old boy vote." –Conan O'Brien

"This morning Tom Brokaw had to be taken to the hospital after accidentally taking an Ambien sleeping pill. And tonight he was taken to the hospital again after accidentally listening to a speech by Joe Biden." –Conan O'Brien

"Happy birthday to New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, who is 50 years old. They had a cake for him. He blew out the candles and then he wished for another cake." –David Letterman

"A new CNN poll shows that President Obama now has a six-point lead over Mitt Romney. You can tell Romney's depressed – last night he just sat on his couch and bought the Häagen-Dazs corporation." –Jimmy Fallon

"A recent poll found that most Americans believe President Obama would be a more loyal friend than Mitt Romney. In other words, Obama is the guy holding your hair back in the bathroom while Romney uploads the drunk photos to Facebook." –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday, Nicki Minaj revealed that in her new song, she only sarcastically endorsed Mitt Romney. Or as Republicans put it, 'Wow, you too?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Actually, members of Mitt Romney's own party are starting to criticize him for being too vague. When asked if that bothers him, Romney said, 'Maybe.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Early this morning in Los Angeles police were involved with a high-speed chase with a suspect drawing a crowd by throwing money out the window. Is it me or is Mitt Romney getting desperate?" –Conan O'Brien

"In Yemen, a U.S. drone strike has killed al-Qaida's number two leader, the sixth second in command the U.S. has killed. This is one area where Obama can say he definitely is creating jobs." –Conan O'Brien

"Over the weekend Mitt Romney made an appearance at a NASCAR race in Virginia. There was an awkward moment when he asked a NASCAR driver why he didn't just hire a chauffeur." –Conan O'Brien

"Mitt Romney is not backing down from his statement that America's number one foe is Russia. Then he said America's number one band is Duran Duran and the number one movie is 'The Goonies.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Over the weekend, Vice President Joe Biden hung out with a biker gang in Ohio. I don't know if that's wise. It's not always a good idea to be associating with shady characters. So next time, think twice, bikers." –Craig Ferguson

"Snoop Dogg has endorsed Barack Obama's re-election campaign. He also endorsed Samoa Girl Scout cookies." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Snoop made a compelling argument for a person who will probably not remember to vote." –Jimmy Kimmel

"I'm a little surprised. I've always known Snoop to have his mind on his money and his money on his mind, and that's more of a Mitt Romney thing." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Yesterday, Paul Ryan said that he and Mitt Romney won't reveal their tax plan to the public until after the election. Other politicians couldn't believe it. They were like, 'At least do the honorable thing and lie.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A new poll shows that President Obama has expended his lead over Mitt Romney since the Democratic National Convention. Of course, it didn't help Obama as much as that other event – the Republican National Convention." –Jimmy Fallon

September 7, 2012

"Paul Ryan stretching the truth to make his speech more effective is just another form of doping. In that if you believe him, you are a dope." –Stephen Colbert

"It's been reported the Republican convention decided not to show a hologram of Ronald Reagan for fear it would overshadow Mitt Romney. It's never a good sign when your candidate is in danger of being overshadowed by something that technically doesn't make a shadow." –Conan O'Brien

"A former Navy SEAL has a book out that claims Osama bin Laden was unarmed when he was shot. The book is called 'Who Cares, He's Dead.'" –Conan O'Brien

"At the [Republican] convention, the surprise speaker was Clint Eastwood. What's more surprising than a grumpy old white guy at the Republican convention?" –Craig Ferguson

"I’m very excited; we have Ron Paul on the show tonight. Unlike the Republicans, we're actually going to let him speak." –Jay Leno

"That had to be rough for Ron Paul. You run for president, you win a bunch of delegates, and not only is he not allowed to speak but he couldn’t even sit down because they gave his chair to Clint Eastwood." –Jay Leno

"If you're a donor to President Obama's campaign, you were promised exclusive access to Joe Biden – and for an extra $10,000 absolutely no access to Joe Biden." –Conan O'Brien

"Chuck Norris said that if President Obama is re-elected it will lead 'to a thousand years of darkness.' Then he said if Mitt Romney wins, it will lead to four years of extreme whiteness." –Conan O'Brien

"Outside it's like 82 and cloudy — like Clint Eastwood." –David Letterman

"Today was the start of the Democratic National Convention in Charlotte, N.C. They’re going all out to make sure it tops last week’s Republican convention. In fact, I heard at this one they’re going to have Clint Eastwood yell at a couch." –Jimmy Fallon

"Over the weekend, a chef in Minnesota created the world’s largest bacon cheeseburger, weighing in at over 2,000 pounds. And if you want to hear what it tasted like, you’ll just have to wait until I interview Chris Christie." –Jimmy Fallon

"Former Democratic nominee John Kerry is going to give a speech about foreign policy. It will be like Clint Eastwood's speech except this time the empty chairs will be in the audience." –Craig Ferguson

"I hope they go easy on Clint Eastwood. It wasn't his best performance last week at the Republican convention, but he's given us decades of great films. So Democrats, if you're looking to mock Mitt Romney by dragging an inanimate object out onto the stage, why not just use Mitt Romney?" –Craig Ferguson

"But Paul, my man, be smart about this. You keep stretching the truth about things that anyone can look up on the internet .... check yourself before you wreck yourself." –Stephen Colbert

"Paul Ryan made a speech the other night, even a columnist for Fox News said it set a world record for the greatest number of lies in a single speech. To which Mitt Romney said, 'Game on.'" –Bill Maher

"Fox News's coverage of the Republican convention got beat in their ratings by 'Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.' That's not a good comment on America. One is a view of the world as seen through the eyes of a redneck child, and the other is 'Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.'" –Bill Maher

"Clint Eastwood came out at the Republican convention and did ten minutes of wingnut improv. It was kind of a metaphor for the entire Republican party -- a confused old person yelling at something that doesn’t' exist." –Bill Maher

"Didn't you love that part where Clint pretended that he was talking to an invisible Obama? And this Obama was not a nice guy. This Obama was telling Romney to go f**k himself. Isn't that something? Even people who don’t' exist hate Mitt Romney." –Bill Maher

"Mitt had to follow that. He's a little stiff. He makes Al Gore look like James Brown at the Apollo. And for five minutes the crowd was chanting, 'Bring back the chair!'" –Bill Maher

"Ann Romney was appealing to women for the women's vote, and she said she was living proof that if you work hard and apply yourself, there is nothing you can't marry." –Bill Maher

"Ann Romney was telling details of their personal life. She said that when she and Mitt were young, 'He was nice to my parents, but really glad when my parents weren't around.' And with his Medicare plan, they won't be." –Bill Maher

"If your party can run the nation for eight years, and then have a national convention and not invite Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld, Colin Powell, Karl Rove or Tom DeLay, you’re not a political movement. You’re the witness protection program." –Bill Maher

“How can we trust Republicans with the future, when, as far as I can tell from Tampa, the world ended the year Reagan left office? Like, in 1988, we just all fell into a deep sleep listening to ‘Pour Some Sugar On Me,' and when we woke up Monday morning, Obama and his negro army had wrecked the joint." –Bill Maher

"I could never wrap my head around why the world and the President that Republicans describe, bear so little resemblance to the world and the President that I experience. And now I know why. There is a President Obama that only Republicans can see." –Jon Stewart on Clint Eastwood's "invisible Obama" speech at the Republican convention

"I always like how the politicians show how that they're just regular guys. Like Obama says he likes to have a beer with people. And Romney said, when it comes to shopping, he chooses Costco. In fact, last week, he bought three of them." –Jay Leno

"President Obama's re-election campaign said that this year they'll knock on 150 percent more doors than they did in 2008. Well, of course they will. They have to. There's so many foreclosures it's tough to tell where people live." –Jay Leno

"Michelle Obama said the first car Barack picked her up in was so old, you could see ground below them. Today, Ann Romney said the same thing about Mitt's first helicopter." –Conan O'Brien