September 14, 2012

"The conventions were so different. The Democrats finally look like a real political party; the Republicans look like a seminar for how to flip real estate for Jesus." –Bill Maher

"The Democratic convention looked like the America I see when I walk down the street. The Republican convention looked like 'Antiques Roadshow.'" –Bill Maher

"Did you see that Bill Clinton speech? One by one he picked apart and destroyed every claim of the Romney-Ryan campaign. In fact, today Todd Akin said it qualified as a legitimate rape." –Bill Maher

"Of course, it made the Republicans furious. They said, 'No fair. Not everyone has an ex-president who can speak.'" –Bill Maher

"Clinton was just devastating in his simplicity. He said, 'I came from a place where people still thought 2 and 2 was four.' And over at Fox News they said, 'Get the fact checkers on that.'" –Bill Maher

"Clinton killed them with one word: arithmetic. He said Republicans lack skills in arithmetic, which by the way, is not fair to Sarah Palin because if there's one thing her family has proved it can do is multiply." –Bill Maher

"It seems only 96,000 jobs were added last month. And half of those were strippers working the conventions." –Jay Leno

The economy is so bad, I saw Mitt Romney at the supermarket buying Lobster Helper." –Jay Leno

"The economy is so bad, Clint Eastwood talked to a chair while going through the cushions looking for spare change." –Jay Leno

"There was a big shakeup on 'American Idol.' There is still a vacant judge's seat. The producers are in a great hurry to fill the empty seat before Clint Eastwood shows up and starts yelling at it." –Craig Ferguson

"Mitt, you just keep demanding that Americans answer the question: are you better off than you were four years ago? But just don't answer it yourself, cause that would mean releasing more than two years of tax returns." –Stephen Colbert

"Both conventions are over, and if you watched, I think it's pretty clear who should be the next president of the United States – Bill Clinton. He was unbelievable. According to Democrats, he won the election for Obama, he helped the cowboys beat the Giants, and he even had time to go to Hooters afterward." –Jay Leno

"President Obama's speech was moved from the Bank of America stadium to the Time Warner Cable Arena. They had to move out of the big venue into a smaller place. Like a lot of homeowners in the past four years." –Jay Leno

"We got some bad economic news. The United States has slipped further down the global ranking of the world's most competitive economies. We're now #7. Switzerland is number one. Romney said, 'See, that's why I keep my money there.'" –Jay Leno

"Computer hackers claim to have stolen Mitt Romney's tax returns and are willing to leak them publicly unless the Romney campaign agrees to pay them $1 million. This is such an unethical money-making scheme that Mitt Romney said he was quite impressed. 'I could use these guys at Bain Capital.'" –Jay Leno

"The signature question of this presidential campaign is, "Are you better off than you were four years ago?" As a comedian, I have to say no. I miss Bush and Cheney; they were the golden age. I wish they were here. I am not better off." –Jay Leno

"Today Scarlett Johansson, Kerry Washington, and Eva Longoria all spoke at the Democratic convention. This means that Obama has all about clinched the crucial 13-year-old boy vote." –Conan O'Brien

"This morning Tom Brokaw had to be taken to the hospital after accidentally taking an Ambien sleeping pill. And tonight he was taken to the hospital again after accidentally listening to a speech by Joe Biden." –Conan O'Brien

"Happy birthday to New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, who is 50 years old. They had a cake for him. He blew out the candles and then he wished for another cake." –David Letterman

"A new CNN poll shows that President Obama now has a six-point lead over Mitt Romney. You can tell Romney's depressed – last night he just sat on his couch and bought the Häagen-Dazs corporation." –Jimmy Fallon

"A recent poll found that most Americans believe President Obama would be a more loyal friend than Mitt Romney. In other words, Obama is the guy holding your hair back in the bathroom while Romney uploads the drunk photos to Facebook." –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday, Nicki Minaj revealed that in her new song, she only sarcastically endorsed Mitt Romney. Or as Republicans put it, 'Wow, you too?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Actually, members of Mitt Romney's own party are starting to criticize him for being too vague. When asked if that bothers him, Romney said, 'Maybe.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Early this morning in Los Angeles police were involved with a high-speed chase with a suspect drawing a crowd by throwing money out the window. Is it me or is Mitt Romney getting desperate?" –Conan O'Brien

"In Yemen, a U.S. drone strike has killed al-Qaida's number two leader, the sixth second in command the U.S. has killed. This is one area where Obama can say he definitely is creating jobs." –Conan O'Brien

"Over the weekend Mitt Romney made an appearance at a NASCAR race in Virginia. There was an awkward moment when he asked a NASCAR driver why he didn't just hire a chauffeur." –Conan O'Brien

"Mitt Romney is not backing down from his statement that America's number one foe is Russia. Then he said America's number one band is Duran Duran and the number one movie is 'The Goonies.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Over the weekend, Vice President Joe Biden hung out with a biker gang in Ohio. I don't know if that's wise. It's not always a good idea to be associating with shady characters. So next time, think twice, bikers." –Craig Ferguson

"Snoop Dogg has endorsed Barack Obama's re-election campaign. He also endorsed Samoa Girl Scout cookies." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Snoop made a compelling argument for a person who will probably not remember to vote." –Jimmy Kimmel

"I'm a little surprised. I've always known Snoop to have his mind on his money and his money on his mind, and that's more of a Mitt Romney thing." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Yesterday, Paul Ryan said that he and Mitt Romney won't reveal their tax plan to the public until after the election. Other politicians couldn't believe it. They were like, 'At least do the honorable thing and lie.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A new poll shows that President Obama has expended his lead over Mitt Romney since the Democratic National Convention. Of course, it didn't help Obama as much as that other event – the Republican National Convention." –Jimmy Fallon