October 26, 2012

"Donald Trump says he will reveal big news about President Obama on Wednesday. Trump said he would have announced it sooner, but faking a Kenyan birth certificate is harder than it looks." –Conan O'Brien

"The final presidential debate was held tonight in Boca Raton, Florida, and was moderated by 75-year-old Bob Schieffer from CBS News. That’s right, 75 years old – or as Florida residents call that, 'a tween.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Latest polls among registered voters show six percent are undecided. Pick one, come on! Those are the guys you see in the Baskin-Robbins asking for free samples." –David Letterman

"The debates made it to three episodes. That makes it NBC's most successful show so far this season." –Jay Leno

"Today is the last presidential debate. It was moderated by newsman Bob Schieffer. I think he did a great job, but gave too much time to 'candidate you disagree with,' and he didn't let 'the guy who should be president' respond to those 'outrageous lies or important points, depending on your point of view.'" –Craig Ferguson

“Democratic self-loathing has gotten so bad, they’ve changed their symbol … to Eeyore eating a whole cheesecake.” –Stephen Colbert

"Oh please, Mr. President. Everyone plays by the same set of rules -- and at the end of the game the rich flip over the board and yell, "I win!" –Stephen Colbert

"A new Gallup poll shows that Mitt Romney now has a 7 point lead on President Obama. That's right, Romney leads by 7 points among people who still answer landline calls from a blocked number." –Seth Meyers

"Gallup had Romney ahead today by 7 points nationally. Big Bird was depressed, he was just pecking at his food." –Bill Maher

"Obama is still ahead in the swing states and among women. He is of course losing among men and in any states were you can buy the Confederate flag in a mall." -Bill Maher

"Obama raised his game, so Romney thought he had to bump up his game even more, so he kind of looked like a prick. At one point he said to the President of the United States, 'Hang on, you'll get your chance.' You should not be surprised, the Mormon church has been saying this to black people for decades." -Bill Maher

"The Mormons had good news today. Billy Graham, who is 112, has taken Mormonism off his website's list of cults. This is typical of Christian right's stance on Mitt Romney. They still believe he will go to Hell for all eternity but in this life, they'd like a tax cut." –Bill Maher

"Mitt Romney said he had binders of women made up. But first of all, who else keeps binders of women? Serial killers. Every serial killer movie, the cops bust into the serial killer's lair and what do they find? Binders of women…and then they open the freezer and a head falls out." –Bill Maher

"He never answered the question about equal pay for women. An anecdote in not a policy. When asked about equal pay, he said he supports women in the workforce. This is like being asked about ending slavery, and saying, 'I'm wearing cotton right now.'" –Bill Maher

"Today Joe Walsh, the congressman from Illinois said abortion to save the life of a mother, that's just an excuse. He said modern technology and science make it so you cannot find one instance where there's dying in child birth. Ladies, before Election Day comes, ask your doctor if the Tea Party is right for you." -Bill Maher

"Most of the people who will be disenfranchised are black, Latino, young people; basically anyone that can dance." –Bill Maher on voter fraud laws

"You can sense the election getting very close. Both candidates are now working very hard to shore up their support among women. In fact, today they both pledged to increase domestic production of Ryan Gosling movies." –Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday Mitt Romney's son Tagg said that during the debate he wanted to punch President Obama for calling his father a liar. He also wants to punch his father for giving him the name Tagg." –Conan O'Brien

"Endorsements are rolling in. The Atheist Party has endorsed Obama for president. When told the news Obama said, 'Thank God.'" –Conan O'Brien

Jay Leno to Obama: "What's this thing with Trump and you? It's like me and Letterman. I don't get it."

Obama: "This all dates back to when we were growing up together in Kenya."

"Experts say the entire 2012 election could come down to just eight states. The states are: confusion, dismay, depression, apathy, shock, disbelief, despair, and anxiety. Those are the eight states." –Jay Leno

"Even though he's spending all day on Air Force One, there's an office on the plane where the president can work. It's just like being in Washington. He's got the desk, he's got the computer, and he even has a closet that has a group of Republicans who pop out and block anything he tries to do." –Jay Leno

"Do you know who is endorsing Mitt Romney? Lindsay Lohan. It may seem silly to you but not to the Romney campaign. They're very excited. They said they have a chance now to get the shoplifter vote." –David Letterman

"Earlier today, vice-presidential hopeful Paul Ryan gave a major policy address on poverty. We're still not sure whether he's for it or against it, but he was talking about poverty." –David Letterman

"A source close to Mitt Romney revealed that he gets a spray tan before major campaign events. I guess that explains his new Secret Service code name: 'The Mittuation.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A new poll found that 59 percent of Americans would rather eat a burger with President Obama while only 41 percent would eat one with Mitt Romney. While most Americans don't care who they're with, as long as they get that burger. " –Jimmy Fallon

 "Did you see the debate last night? It was the same stuff, but here's what was different. In the first debate they were at podiums. The second debate, it was stools. Last night, chairs and desks. The next debate – yoga mats." –David Letterman

"Last night the debate was all about the undecideds, but here's what happened. The undecideds decided not to watch." –David Letterman

"After the debate last night, experts agreed that President Obama won on substance and I thought: Well, big deal, Lance Armstrong won on several substances." –David Letterman

"Mitt Romney is so rich he hired extra housekeepers just to launder his money." –David Letterman

"Trump is promising an October surprise tomorrow. Typically that's a shocking news story that can change the outcome of an election. At this point I don't know what information Trump could have. Will he reveal that Obama is the guy that has been styling his hair for the last 20 years? That could be bad for Obama." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Last night's debate was held in Boca Raton, Florida. Romney actually has a three-point lead among Florida voters. Of course, he still faces a major obstacle — making sure those voters are still alive for the election." –Jimmy Fallon

"During last night's debate, moderator Bob Schieffer mistakenly referred to Osama bin Laden as 'Obama bin Laden.' Everyone at CBS news was really embarrassed, while Fox News was like, 'We'll take him!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"That was some debate last night. At one point moderator Bob Schieffer said 'Obama bin Laden.' It was right before he called Romney 'Adolf Mittler.'" –Jay Leno

"Last night President Obama finally found a Republican who agreed with him — Mitt Romney." –Jay Leno

"During last night's debate, President Obama told Mitt Romney, 'The 1980s called and they want their foreign policy back.' Romney tried to deliver a comeback but then his beeper went off." –Jay Leno

"Today a poll found that President Obama won last night's debate among a voting block known as 'Walmart moms.' And Mitt Romney won the debate according to a voting block that wouldn't be caught dead at Walmart." –Jay Leno

October 19, 2012

"A new poll found that only 47 percent of voters find Mitt Romney to be trustworthy. Then Romney was like, 'Well, I hope it's not the same 47 percent I don't care about.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"After Paul Ryan stopped by for a photo op at a soup kitchen, the head of the charity said Ryan did nothing. In other words, that man is ready to be vice president." –Conan O'Brien

"Ross Perot has endorsed Mitt Romney. This could help Romney get the vote of people you forgot were still alive." –Conan O'Brien

"The Obama campaign is releasing a new ad showing Americans whose financial situation has improved over the past four years. Unfortunately, the only person who appears in the ad is Mitt Romney." –Conan O'Brien

"Polling across the country shows the presidential race is now neck and neck. It's an even tie between not Barack Obama and not Mitt Romney." –Conan O'Brien

"They agreed the subjects for the debate were foreign and domestic issues. Which pretty much covers everything, doesn't it? Where else is there besides foreign and domestic issues? Space, I guess?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Tonight's debate was what they call the town hall format, which is where real voters get to ask questions and the candidates ignore them and just talk about what they wanted to in the first place." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Congressman Ryan prepared for Thursday's debate by studying policy and holding practice debates, and I think Biden prepared by shot gunning Red Bull and watching Yosemite Sam cartoons." –Seth Meyers

"During Thursday's debate Vice President Biden repeatedly criticized Paul Ryan's statements calling them a 'bunch of stuff.' In fairness, 'a bunch of stuff' is the entire text of the Romney/Ryan economic plan." –Seth Meyers

"Mitt Romney on Tuesday once again tried to distance himself from his infamous 47 percent comments, saying, 'the words that came out were not what I meant.' And if that sounds like a good excuse to you, try it on your girlfriend." –Seth Meyers

"In an interview Wednesday Mitt Romney, who had previously stated he would not introduce legislation limiting abortion, vowed that he would still be a 'pro-life president.' Which makes sense because Romney defines 'life' as anybody making over 250,000 dollars a year." –Seth Meyers

"I thought Biden was awesome. During the whole debate, I kept thinking to myself, 'I hope he keeps that very nice sleepy black guy on the ticket.'" –Bill Maher

"Liberals were freaking out [after the first Presidential debate] and they were borderline suicidal, which is tough on them because when you lock yourself in the garage with the Prius running, nothing happens." –Bill Maher

"It was reported today that Lindsay Lohan is leaning toward Romney, and she also said she might vote for him." –Bill Maher

"Yesterday was National Coming Out Day, a day set aside for people to embrace and announce who they really are. Your move, Mitt Romney." –Bill Maher

"Romney took two different sides on abortion within 24 hours this week. There are shorter waiting periods for actual abortions." –Bill Maher

"But in his defense, the abortion issue is very personal to Mitt Romney. His own mother considered not having him when doctors told her he would be born heartless and spineless." –Bill Maher

"Isn't is amazing? All Moderate Mitt had to do was change his long-held views on everything that he's ever said. Now he believes whatever you believe, and the polls show we like that. Forget integrity. Forget courage. What we want is a president who is 100 percent our bitch." –Bill Maher

"One example: Mitt Romney was against gay rights, then he was for them, now he's against them again. Or as it's known in political circles, the Andersen Cooper 360." –Bill Maher

"I'm your host, Jimmy Fallon, and I'm going to try to tell these jokes before Joe Biden interrupts me." –Jimmy Fallon

"Paul Ryan accused Joe Biden of underdeveloped triceps." –David Letterman

"Chris Christie was in Ohio stumping for Mitt Romney. It was felt as far north as Canada." –David Letterman

"There were a couple of really funny jokes during the [vice Presidential] debate. Like when Paul Ryan referred to the Saudis as our allies, and the way Biden kept referring to Ryan as 'my friend.'" –Jay Leno

"The questions last night came from undecided voters, and what a group they were. Basically these were the people who still cash checks at the supermarket." –Jimmy Kimmel

"On the subject of equal pay for women, he said that when he was filing cabinet positions as governor of Massachusetts, he went out of his way to make sure he hired women. He said he had 'binders full of women, which is a little creepy. Binders full of women is something they'd find in a serial killer's basement at the end of Law & Order SVU." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Romney's policy toward women is clear: we have to alphabetize them." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Maybe for Mitt Romney that's the closest he's ever gotten to looking at a dirty magazine." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Couple of things: One, the women’s group was called MassGAP and they approached Governor Romney, not the other way around. And two, my guess is they did not refer to what they presented as a binder full of women, but perhaps as an organized collection of qualified resumes. But hey, Binder of Women, Book of Broads, Notebook of Nipples, whatever." –Jon Stewart

"The time for fact checking is after the event when voters have stopped watching. We should not be sullying their emotional reactions with accuracy." –Stephen Colbert, on Candy Crowley fact-checking Mitt Romney during the presidential debate

"Larry King is moderating a presidential debate between third-party candidates on the Internet. That could be awkward. Most Americans have never heard of these candidates. And Larry King has never heard of the Internet." –Craig Ferguson

October 12, 2012

Jon Stewart on PBS: "Fox News is upset that empty headed puppets are trying to brainwash and indoctrinate Americans. Perhaps they could sue them for copyright infringement."

"I gotta say, if you’re cooking the books, 7.8 percent unemployment is a sh*tty recipe." –Jon Stewart

"Last night, a woman on QVC fainted on the air, but her co-host kept talking as if nothing had happened. One person was unconscious while the other one just kept talking — kind of like last week's presidential debate." –Jimmy Fallon

"Unemployment is 7.8 percent, the lowest it's been since Obama took office. The Obama campaign said they can't wait to take these statistics and not use them in the next debate." –Jay Leno

"The president was here with a concert that included Katy Perry, Jennifer Hudson, and George Clooney. If Obama goes more than a month without seeing George Clooney, he gets nervous." –Jimmy Kimmel

"During Wednesday's debate Mitt Romney said that even though he likes Big Bird, if elected he would stop the subsidy to PBS – it's a surprising threat considering that 'Mitt' is such an excellent Muppet name." –Seth Meyers on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"Romney went on to say if elected he would no longer borrow money from China to pay for PBS. China funds PBS? I guess that explains why this week's Sesame Street was brought to you by the letter this." –Seth Meyers

"In an interview promoting his new tell-all, Arnold Schwarzenegger said his marriage to Maria Shriver fell apart because of him and that he hopes to one day win her back. And what better way to win back her love back than to write a book about all the times you tricked her?" –Seth Meyers

"New job numbers came out today. Unemployment went way down from 8 percent to 7.8 percent. Of course, a lot of this was because of the ever-expanding industry of Mitt Romney fact checkers." –Bill Maher

"Obama's wedding anniversary was Wednesday and that was the same day as the debate. He apparently had the sex first and was completely spent, had nothing left." –Bill Maher

"I'm sorry, Obama sucked. He looked tired. He had trouble getting his answers out. It's like he took my million and spent it all on weed." –Bill Maher

"I have not seen a black man look that disinterested and annoyed since I dragged Chris Rock to that Beach Boys concert." –Bill Maher

"At one point Obama looked so dead, Romney tried to baptize him." –Bill Maher

"You got to hand it to Mitt Romney. He was in full command of his bullsh*t. In one single night, he was reborn as this taxing-the-rich, regulation-loving centrist. When these people say they're going to reboot a campaign, they don't just reboot. They erase the hard drive, take it out, and smash it with a hammer." –Bill Maher

"Mitt Romney is such a different guy, Ann Romney says she no longer has to pretend she's making love to someone else." –Bill Maher

"Your choice now is pretty clear. You can either vote for the guy who got rid of bin Laden or vote for the guy who wants to get rid of Big Bird." –David Letterman

"It's like Obama wasn't even there. He hasn't done this poorly since he debated Clint Eastwood." –Stephen Colbert

"Now you know me. I’m a staunch conservative and I condemn any Republican who distances themselves from everything he has said on the campaign trail. But it worked, so f*ck it.'" –Stephen Colbert, on Mitt Romney lying at the presidential debate

"He just told the moderator -- who works at PBS -- I'm going to throw your ass out on the street old man! Not only you, but all those free-loading Muppets! That doesn't just take one ball, it takes TWO! TWO ENORMOUS BALLS! Ha-ha-ha!" –Stephen Colbert, impersonating Sesame Street's The Count, referring to Romney's attack on the popular children's show

The consensus is that Mitt Romney won the presidential debate last night. The only people who thought Obama won were the replacement refs.

"President Obama talked last night about finding new sources of energy. He couldn’t muster enough energy for the 90-minute debate. And to make matters worse, last night was his anniversary. The only way his wedding anniversary could have been worse was if he had forgotten it." –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney said he's going to get rid of Big Bird and slash PBS. And then he mentions Donald Trump, who endorses Mitt Romney. It's interesting -- one is a comical TV character with synthetic yellow hair, and then you have Big Bird." –David Letterman

"Mitt Romney did so well last night, hell he may even release his tax return. He did so well last night, he might even let poor people vote." –David Letterman

"A lot of people disappointed in President Obama's performance last night. Last night, critics say President Obama spent too much time looking down at something on the podium. And today the president apologized and said, 'At the next debate, no more angry birds.'" –Conan O'Brien

"It going to be strange watching a debate without the president, although he wasn't there for the last one either." –David Letterman

"Today the Secret Service caught a woman trying to sneak into the White House with a mysterious package. Turns out it was just Ann Romney with some carpet samples." –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney is refusing to participate in the long-running special on Nickelodeon called 'Kids Pick the President.' Romney said it's nothing personal; he just says that these kids are part of that 47 percent who contribute nothing to the country and mooch off their parents and grandparents." –Jay Leno

"This week the Obamas' dog, Bo, turned 4 years old. He spent the day the way he always does – digging holes, chasing squirrels, and coaching Obama for the debates." –Jimmy Fallon

"The Obama campaign is planning to open up its 120th field office in Ohio. Even Starbucks is like, 'That's too many locations, man.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"People close to the campaign are saying that Mitt Romney's son, Tagg, is now one of his chief advisers. That's right, when Mitt asked him to join the team, he put his arm on his son's shoulder and said 'Tagg, you're it!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A new survey found that atheists are the fastest-growing religious group in the U.S. And if you find that hard to believe – well, you're probably one of them." –Jimmy Fallon

October 5, 2012

"President Obama is winning the election according to an informal poll conducted by 7-Eleven. However, the findings are being hotly contested by analysts from The Cheesecake Factory." –Conan O'Brien

"While campaigning yesterday in Colorado, Mitt Romney made a stop at the fast-food restaurant Chipotle. The guy behind the counter was like, 'Burrito?' And Romney was like, 'Hey there, Burrito. My name is Mitt Romney. Pleasure to meet you.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"There's been a lot of talk this year about voter fraud, election fraud. But we haven't seen many cases of it. You know what I think we should be investigating? Candidate fraud." –Jay Leno

"In Arnold Schwarzenegger's new book, he says his first clue that the housekeeper's son was his was when the boy started looking like him. His second clue was when he was the only Mexican kid with an Austrian accent." –Conan O'Brien

“At a campaign rally in Charlotte, Vice President Joe Biden said, 'The middle class has been buried the past four years. Buried.' Which candidate is he campaigning for? I'm confused." –Jay Leno

"A new survey found that over 35 percent of Americans actually plan on voting before Election Day. Not for president of the United States, just for 'Dancing With the Stars.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Arnold Schwarzenegger was on '60 Minutes' promoting his book. He said you can't run from your mistakes. You have to confront them. Yeah, especially if they look exactly like you and keep calling you dad." –Conan O'Brien

"Despite the scandal, Schwarzenegger was a popular governor. So popular that Republicans wanted to repeal the natural-born citizen law that prevented him from running for president. So a president born in Austria would have been OK, but a president born in Kenya – NO!" –Craig Ferguson

"Arnold Schwarzenegger was interviewed on '60 Minutes.' He revealed that he performed two same-sex marriages while he was governor of California. Of course, the marriages aren't official because the couples couldn't understand what Arnold was saying." –Jimmy Fallon

"Ann Romney says that if Mitt is elected she would worry about his mental health. Well, there's a ringing endorsement." –David Letterman

"Florida election officials say at least 10 counties have identified suspicious and possibly fraudulent voter registration forms. And they were turned in by a firm working for the Republican Party of Florida. I guess they got suspicious when they realized most of the votes were for Bob Dole." –Jay Leno

"The math behind how Romney can give everyone a 20% tax cut without bankrupting the government is just way too advanced for us regular folk to understand. It's unfathomably complex, like string theory. You'd have to grasp that the universe is actually 11 coexistent dimensions, eight of which is where Romney shelters his wealth." –Stephen Colbert

"Mitt Romney is doing what he can. He's trying very hard. He wants to unite America, the rich with the wealthy, the poor with the indigent, and the white with the Caucasian." –David Letterman

"Paul Ryan now says that President Obama's foreign policy has 'blown up in his face' and it's time to go back to the Republican foreign policy. Well, let's see, Obama kept Guantanamo Bay open, the troops are still overseas, and the Middle East hates us. Isn't that the Republican foreign policy?" –Jay Leno