October 12, 2012

Jon Stewart on PBS: "Fox News is upset that empty headed puppets are trying to brainwash and indoctrinate Americans. Perhaps they could sue them for copyright infringement."

"I gotta say, if you’re cooking the books, 7.8 percent unemployment is a sh*tty recipe." –Jon Stewart

"Last night, a woman on QVC fainted on the air, but her co-host kept talking as if nothing had happened. One person was unconscious while the other one just kept talking — kind of like last week's presidential debate." –Jimmy Fallon

"Unemployment is 7.8 percent, the lowest it's been since Obama took office. The Obama campaign said they can't wait to take these statistics and not use them in the next debate." –Jay Leno

"The president was here with a concert that included Katy Perry, Jennifer Hudson, and George Clooney. If Obama goes more than a month without seeing George Clooney, he gets nervous." –Jimmy Kimmel

"During Wednesday's debate Mitt Romney said that even though he likes Big Bird, if elected he would stop the subsidy to PBS – it's a surprising threat considering that 'Mitt' is such an excellent Muppet name." –Seth Meyers on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"Romney went on to say if elected he would no longer borrow money from China to pay for PBS. China funds PBS? I guess that explains why this week's Sesame Street was brought to you by the letter this." –Seth Meyers

"In an interview promoting his new tell-all, Arnold Schwarzenegger said his marriage to Maria Shriver fell apart because of him and that he hopes to one day win her back. And what better way to win back her love back than to write a book about all the times you tricked her?" –Seth Meyers

"New job numbers came out today. Unemployment went way down from 8 percent to 7.8 percent. Of course, a lot of this was because of the ever-expanding industry of Mitt Romney fact checkers." –Bill Maher

"Obama's wedding anniversary was Wednesday and that was the same day as the debate. He apparently had the sex first and was completely spent, had nothing left." –Bill Maher

"I'm sorry, Obama sucked. He looked tired. He had trouble getting his answers out. It's like he took my million and spent it all on weed." –Bill Maher

"I have not seen a black man look that disinterested and annoyed since I dragged Chris Rock to that Beach Boys concert." –Bill Maher

"At one point Obama looked so dead, Romney tried to baptize him." –Bill Maher

"You got to hand it to Mitt Romney. He was in full command of his bullsh*t. In one single night, he was reborn as this taxing-the-rich, regulation-loving centrist. When these people say they're going to reboot a campaign, they don't just reboot. They erase the hard drive, take it out, and smash it with a hammer." –Bill Maher

"Mitt Romney is such a different guy, Ann Romney says she no longer has to pretend she's making love to someone else." –Bill Maher

"Your choice now is pretty clear. You can either vote for the guy who got rid of bin Laden or vote for the guy who wants to get rid of Big Bird." –David Letterman

"It's like Obama wasn't even there. He hasn't done this poorly since he debated Clint Eastwood." –Stephen Colbert

"Now you know me. I’m a staunch conservative and I condemn any Republican who distances themselves from everything he has said on the campaign trail. But it worked, so f*ck it.'" –Stephen Colbert, on Mitt Romney lying at the presidential debate

"He just told the moderator -- who works at PBS -- I'm going to throw your ass out on the street old man! Not only you, but all those free-loading Muppets! That doesn't just take one ball, it takes TWO! TWO ENORMOUS BALLS! Ha-ha-ha!" –Stephen Colbert, impersonating Sesame Street's The Count, referring to Romney's attack on the popular children's show

The consensus is that Mitt Romney won the presidential debate last night. The only people who thought Obama won were the replacement refs.

"President Obama talked last night about finding new sources of energy. He couldn’t muster enough energy for the 90-minute debate. And to make matters worse, last night was his anniversary. The only way his wedding anniversary could have been worse was if he had forgotten it." –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney said he's going to get rid of Big Bird and slash PBS. And then he mentions Donald Trump, who endorses Mitt Romney. It's interesting -- one is a comical TV character with synthetic yellow hair, and then you have Big Bird." –David Letterman

"Mitt Romney did so well last night, hell he may even release his tax return. He did so well last night, he might even let poor people vote." –David Letterman

"A lot of people disappointed in President Obama's performance last night. Last night, critics say President Obama spent too much time looking down at something on the podium. And today the president apologized and said, 'At the next debate, no more angry birds.'" –Conan O'Brien

"It going to be strange watching a debate without the president, although he wasn't there for the last one either." –David Letterman

"Today the Secret Service caught a woman trying to sneak into the White House with a mysterious package. Turns out it was just Ann Romney with some carpet samples." –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney is refusing to participate in the long-running special on Nickelodeon called 'Kids Pick the President.' Romney said it's nothing personal; he just says that these kids are part of that 47 percent who contribute nothing to the country and mooch off their parents and grandparents." –Jay Leno

"This week the Obamas' dog, Bo, turned 4 years old. He spent the day the way he always does – digging holes, chasing squirrels, and coaching Obama for the debates." –Jimmy Fallon

"The Obama campaign is planning to open up its 120th field office in Ohio. Even Starbucks is like, 'That's too many locations, man.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"People close to the campaign are saying that Mitt Romney's son, Tagg, is now one of his chief advisers. That's right, when Mitt asked him to join the team, he put his arm on his son's shoulder and said 'Tagg, you're it!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A new survey found that atheists are the fastest-growing religious group in the U.S. And if you find that hard to believe – well, you're probably one of them." –Jimmy Fallon