October 19, 2012

"A new poll found that only 47 percent of voters find Mitt Romney to be trustworthy. Then Romney was like, 'Well, I hope it's not the same 47 percent I don't care about.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"After Paul Ryan stopped by for a photo op at a soup kitchen, the head of the charity said Ryan did nothing. In other words, that man is ready to be vice president." –Conan O'Brien

"Ross Perot has endorsed Mitt Romney. This could help Romney get the vote of people you forgot were still alive." –Conan O'Brien

"The Obama campaign is releasing a new ad showing Americans whose financial situation has improved over the past four years. Unfortunately, the only person who appears in the ad is Mitt Romney." –Conan O'Brien

"Polling across the country shows the presidential race is now neck and neck. It's an even tie between not Barack Obama and not Mitt Romney." –Conan O'Brien

"They agreed the subjects for the debate were foreign and domestic issues. Which pretty much covers everything, doesn't it? Where else is there besides foreign and domestic issues? Space, I guess?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Tonight's debate was what they call the town hall format, which is where real voters get to ask questions and the candidates ignore them and just talk about what they wanted to in the first place." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Congressman Ryan prepared for Thursday's debate by studying policy and holding practice debates, and I think Biden prepared by shot gunning Red Bull and watching Yosemite Sam cartoons." –Seth Meyers

"During Thursday's debate Vice President Biden repeatedly criticized Paul Ryan's statements calling them a 'bunch of stuff.' In fairness, 'a bunch of stuff' is the entire text of the Romney/Ryan economic plan." –Seth Meyers

"Mitt Romney on Tuesday once again tried to distance himself from his infamous 47 percent comments, saying, 'the words that came out were not what I meant.' And if that sounds like a good excuse to you, try it on your girlfriend." –Seth Meyers

"In an interview Wednesday Mitt Romney, who had previously stated he would not introduce legislation limiting abortion, vowed that he would still be a 'pro-life president.' Which makes sense because Romney defines 'life' as anybody making over 250,000 dollars a year." –Seth Meyers

"I thought Biden was awesome. During the whole debate, I kept thinking to myself, 'I hope he keeps that very nice sleepy black guy on the ticket.'" –Bill Maher

"Liberals were freaking out [after the first Presidential debate] and they were borderline suicidal, which is tough on them because when you lock yourself in the garage with the Prius running, nothing happens." –Bill Maher

"It was reported today that Lindsay Lohan is leaning toward Romney, and she also said she might vote for him." –Bill Maher

"Yesterday was National Coming Out Day, a day set aside for people to embrace and announce who they really are. Your move, Mitt Romney." –Bill Maher

"Romney took two different sides on abortion within 24 hours this week. There are shorter waiting periods for actual abortions." –Bill Maher

"But in his defense, the abortion issue is very personal to Mitt Romney. His own mother considered not having him when doctors told her he would be born heartless and spineless." –Bill Maher

"Isn't is amazing? All Moderate Mitt had to do was change his long-held views on everything that he's ever said. Now he believes whatever you believe, and the polls show we like that. Forget integrity. Forget courage. What we want is a president who is 100 percent our bitch." –Bill Maher

"One example: Mitt Romney was against gay rights, then he was for them, now he's against them again. Or as it's known in political circles, the Andersen Cooper 360." –Bill Maher

"I'm your host, Jimmy Fallon, and I'm going to try to tell these jokes before Joe Biden interrupts me." –Jimmy Fallon

"Paul Ryan accused Joe Biden of underdeveloped triceps." –David Letterman

"Chris Christie was in Ohio stumping for Mitt Romney. It was felt as far north as Canada." –David Letterman

"There were a couple of really funny jokes during the [vice Presidential] debate. Like when Paul Ryan referred to the Saudis as our allies, and the way Biden kept referring to Ryan as 'my friend.'" –Jay Leno

"The questions last night came from undecided voters, and what a group they were. Basically these were the people who still cash checks at the supermarket." –Jimmy Kimmel

"On the subject of equal pay for women, he said that when he was filing cabinet positions as governor of Massachusetts, he went out of his way to make sure he hired women. He said he had 'binders full of women, which is a little creepy. Binders full of women is something they'd find in a serial killer's basement at the end of Law & Order SVU." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Romney's policy toward women is clear: we have to alphabetize them." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Maybe for Mitt Romney that's the closest he's ever gotten to looking at a dirty magazine." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Couple of things: One, the women’s group was called MassGAP and they approached Governor Romney, not the other way around. And two, my guess is they did not refer to what they presented as a binder full of women, but perhaps as an organized collection of qualified resumes. But hey, Binder of Women, Book of Broads, Notebook of Nipples, whatever." –Jon Stewart

"The time for fact checking is after the event when voters have stopped watching. We should not be sullying their emotional reactions with accuracy." –Stephen Colbert, on Candy Crowley fact-checking Mitt Romney during the presidential debate

"Larry King is moderating a presidential debate between third-party candidates on the Internet. That could be awkward. Most Americans have never heard of these candidates. And Larry King has never heard of the Internet." –Craig Ferguson