October 26, 2012

"Donald Trump says he will reveal big news about President Obama on Wednesday. Trump said he would have announced it sooner, but faking a Kenyan birth certificate is harder than it looks." –Conan O'Brien

"The final presidential debate was held tonight in Boca Raton, Florida, and was moderated by 75-year-old Bob Schieffer from CBS News. That’s right, 75 years old – or as Florida residents call that, 'a tween.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Latest polls among registered voters show six percent are undecided. Pick one, come on! Those are the guys you see in the Baskin-Robbins asking for free samples." –David Letterman

"The debates made it to three episodes. That makes it NBC's most successful show so far this season." –Jay Leno

"Today is the last presidential debate. It was moderated by newsman Bob Schieffer. I think he did a great job, but gave too much time to 'candidate you disagree with,' and he didn't let 'the guy who should be president' respond to those 'outrageous lies or important points, depending on your point of view.'" –Craig Ferguson

“Democratic self-loathing has gotten so bad, they’ve changed their symbol … to Eeyore eating a whole cheesecake.” –Stephen Colbert

"Oh please, Mr. President. Everyone plays by the same set of rules -- and at the end of the game the rich flip over the board and yell, "I win!" –Stephen Colbert

"A new Gallup poll shows that Mitt Romney now has a 7 point lead on President Obama. That's right, Romney leads by 7 points among people who still answer landline calls from a blocked number." –Seth Meyers

"Gallup had Romney ahead today by 7 points nationally. Big Bird was depressed, he was just pecking at his food." –Bill Maher

"Obama is still ahead in the swing states and among women. He is of course losing among men and in any states were you can buy the Confederate flag in a mall." -Bill Maher

"Obama raised his game, so Romney thought he had to bump up his game even more, so he kind of looked like a prick. At one point he said to the President of the United States, 'Hang on, you'll get your chance.' You should not be surprised, the Mormon church has been saying this to black people for decades." -Bill Maher

"The Mormons had good news today. Billy Graham, who is 112, has taken Mormonism off his website's list of cults. This is typical of Christian right's stance on Mitt Romney. They still believe he will go to Hell for all eternity but in this life, they'd like a tax cut." –Bill Maher

"Mitt Romney said he had binders of women made up. But first of all, who else keeps binders of women? Serial killers. Every serial killer movie, the cops bust into the serial killer's lair and what do they find? Binders of women…and then they open the freezer and a head falls out." –Bill Maher

"He never answered the question about equal pay for women. An anecdote in not a policy. When asked about equal pay, he said he supports women in the workforce. This is like being asked about ending slavery, and saying, 'I'm wearing cotton right now.'" –Bill Maher

"Today Joe Walsh, the congressman from Illinois said abortion to save the life of a mother, that's just an excuse. He said modern technology and science make it so you cannot find one instance where there's dying in child birth. Ladies, before Election Day comes, ask your doctor if the Tea Party is right for you." -Bill Maher

"Most of the people who will be disenfranchised are black, Latino, young people; basically anyone that can dance." –Bill Maher on voter fraud laws

"You can sense the election getting very close. Both candidates are now working very hard to shore up their support among women. In fact, today they both pledged to increase domestic production of Ryan Gosling movies." –Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday Mitt Romney's son Tagg said that during the debate he wanted to punch President Obama for calling his father a liar. He also wants to punch his father for giving him the name Tagg." –Conan O'Brien

"Endorsements are rolling in. The Atheist Party has endorsed Obama for president. When told the news Obama said, 'Thank God.'" –Conan O'Brien

Jay Leno to Obama: "What's this thing with Trump and you? It's like me and Letterman. I don't get it."

Obama: "This all dates back to when we were growing up together in Kenya."

"Experts say the entire 2012 election could come down to just eight states. The states are: confusion, dismay, depression, apathy, shock, disbelief, despair, and anxiety. Those are the eight states." –Jay Leno

"Even though he's spending all day on Air Force One, there's an office on the plane where the president can work. It's just like being in Washington. He's got the desk, he's got the computer, and he even has a closet that has a group of Republicans who pop out and block anything he tries to do." –Jay Leno

"Do you know who is endorsing Mitt Romney? Lindsay Lohan. It may seem silly to you but not to the Romney campaign. They're very excited. They said they have a chance now to get the shoplifter vote." –David Letterman

"Earlier today, vice-presidential hopeful Paul Ryan gave a major policy address on poverty. We're still not sure whether he's for it or against it, but he was talking about poverty." –David Letterman

"A source close to Mitt Romney revealed that he gets a spray tan before major campaign events. I guess that explains his new Secret Service code name: 'The Mittuation.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A new poll found that 59 percent of Americans would rather eat a burger with President Obama while only 41 percent would eat one with Mitt Romney. While most Americans don't care who they're with, as long as they get that burger. " –Jimmy Fallon

 "Did you see the debate last night? It was the same stuff, but here's what was different. In the first debate they were at podiums. The second debate, it was stools. Last night, chairs and desks. The next debate – yoga mats." –David Letterman

"Last night the debate was all about the undecideds, but here's what happened. The undecideds decided not to watch." –David Letterman

"After the debate last night, experts agreed that President Obama won on substance and I thought: Well, big deal, Lance Armstrong won on several substances." –David Letterman

"Mitt Romney is so rich he hired extra housekeepers just to launder his money." –David Letterman

"Trump is promising an October surprise tomorrow. Typically that's a shocking news story that can change the outcome of an election. At this point I don't know what information Trump could have. Will he reveal that Obama is the guy that has been styling his hair for the last 20 years? That could be bad for Obama." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Last night's debate was held in Boca Raton, Florida. Romney actually has a three-point lead among Florida voters. Of course, he still faces a major obstacle — making sure those voters are still alive for the election." –Jimmy Fallon

"During last night's debate, moderator Bob Schieffer mistakenly referred to Osama bin Laden as 'Obama bin Laden.' Everyone at CBS news was really embarrassed, while Fox News was like, 'We'll take him!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"That was some debate last night. At one point moderator Bob Schieffer said 'Obama bin Laden.' It was right before he called Romney 'Adolf Mittler.'" –Jay Leno

"Last night President Obama finally found a Republican who agreed with him — Mitt Romney." –Jay Leno

"During last night's debate, President Obama told Mitt Romney, 'The 1980s called and they want their foreign policy back.' Romney tried to deliver a comeback but then his beeper went off." –Jay Leno

"Today a poll found that President Obama won last night's debate among a voting block known as 'Walmart moms.' And Mitt Romney won the debate according to a voting block that wouldn't be caught dead at Walmart." –Jay Leno