"Two-term
presidents is a pretty small club in the history of the United States. The only
club smaller is Latinos for Romney. And then the only club smaller than that it
Latino women for Romney" –David Letterman
"Karl Rove was
running the Republican deal. He spent $400 million to try to get his party in
power. They don't know what happened. The Republicans are confused and
scratching their heads. They won't know what happened until they find the black
box." –David Letterman
"I have
political insiders who tell me that Mitt Romney – and he seems like an upbeat
guy -- is depressed. He just sits in a darkened room watching video tape of
that first debate over and over and over." –David Letterman
"His wife Ann
said, 'Mitt you got to cheer up. You know what will make you feel better. Go
spend some time with your money.'" –David Letterman
"Here's what
they're saying was Mitt's problem. He lived in his own bubble, his own little
air-tight capsule, surrounded by sycophants who told him only what he wanted to
hear. Wait a minute, I'm sorry, that's me." –David Letterman
"Here in New
York City and the tri-state area we need another snowstorm event like the
Republicans need another old white guy." –David Letterman
"I went out to
vote. I was in line for four hours. And then it turned out later that it was a
gas line." –David Letterman
"What is going
on in Florida? They still haven't finished counting the votes there yet. You
know, at this point, Florida shouldn't even be allowed to vote for 'American
Idol.'" –Jay Leno
"There is one
silver lining about Mitt Romney losing the election. At least now he doesn't
have to move into a smaller house." –Jay Leno
"It's tough
losing an election. You know what Romney is doing right now? He's rehearsing
for Dancing with the Stars. And I tell you, he aint' gonna win that one
either." –Jay Leno
"NBC News was
the first to call the election for President Obama. ABC News was the first to
call a cab for Diane Sawyer." –Jay Leno
"The rumor is
that Diane Sawyer allegedly had been drinking on election night. In fact, today
Mitt Romney called and said, 'You got any left?'" –Jay Leno
"It has been
two days, and Florida still hasn't finished counting all the votes from Tuesday
night's election. Of course, it's gonna be weird when they're finally done and
they're like, 'The winner is – Al Gore?'" –Jimmy Fallon
"On Tuesday
night, Mitt Romney's staff briefly published his victory website by mistake.
Republicans called it an embarrassing error, while Big Bird called it 'the
scariest two minutes of my life.'" –Jimmy Fallon
"There are now
a record number of Latinos in Congress, which has a lot more Americans talking
about immigration reform. Americans seem to be in favor of it, while immigrants
are still on the fence." –Jimmy Fallon
"If Congress does
nothing, the U.S. could go off a so-called fiscal cliff that could cause
another worldwide financial collapse like the one in 2008. Congress had a lot
of questions about this scenario, like, 'What do you mean if we do
nothing?'" –Jimmy Fallon
"They are still
counting votes in Florida. They're still counting votes even though the
election is no longer in doubt and the people who cast them are no longer
living." –Conan O'Brien
"Taco Bell is
going to start selling nachos and chicken nuggets wrapped in a tortilla. In
other words, thank God we're going to keep Obamacare." –Conan O'Brien
"No gloating.
The Republicans are licking their wounds, which is ironically Mitt Romney's
health care plan." –Bill Maher
"Karl Rove said
today that Obama was suppressing the vote. He was suppressing the vote with his
nasty political ads. And Sarah Palin basically said the same thing on her
Facebook page yesterday. She said Romney only lost because ads running in blue
collar swing states defined Romney early on. Yeah, best money I ever
spent." –Bill Maher, referring to the $1 million he gave to a pro-Obama
Super PAC
"The
Republicans are in full sour grapes mode. They lost because of Obama's dirty
tactics, the biased media, and non-whites, and the promise of giveaways to takers.
You know, if you scrubbed every inch of your house and something still smells
like s**t, it's time to take a shower." –Bill Maher
"It's got to
hurt Mitt Romney. The better the voters knew him, the worse he did. He lost
Michigan, one of his home states, in a landslide. Lost Massachusetts in a
double landslide. And listen to this, he did worse with Mormons than Bush did.
THAT is a legitimate rape, ladies and gentlemen." –Bill Maher
"Obama won
single women by 38 percent. I think the message to Republicans was clear: get
off me." –Bill Maher
"The head of
the CIA and former General David Petraeus has resigned because of an
extramarital affair. So guys, let that be a lesson for you. If the CIA director
– who has access to phony passports, elaborate disguises, has safe houses all
over the world – if he can't keep an affair secret, you're screwed. You don't
have a chance." –Jay Leno
"The big story
here in Los Angeles is the Lakers have fired their coach, Mike Brown. They are
playing so bad that President Obama and Chris Christie toured the Staples
Center today." –Jay Leno
"According to
the real estate Web site Zillow, the White House is worth $283 million. When
Mitt Romney heard that, he said, "You mean I could have just bought
it?'" –Jay Leno
"Mitt Romney's
family has been trying to console him since Tuesday's loss. In fact, this
morning they took him to Ikea just so he could feel what it's like to put
together a cabinet." –Jay Leno
"I heard an
update from Con Edison, the electricity company. They said the Republicans now
will be without power for the next four years." –David Letterman
"There's a
video going around of President Obama getting choked up and crying while he
thanked his campaign staff after the election. When Mitt Romney saw the video,
he was like, 'What is that clear liquid coming out of his eyes? Is he
leaking?'" –Jimmy Fallon
"Both parties
in Washington now agree that our country is headed toward a 'fiscal cliff.' The
bad news: We just elected a guy whose campaign slogan was 'Forward.'" –Jay
Leno
"We're in great
shape. The Republicans drove us into a ditch and the Democrats are driving us
over a cliff." –Jay Leno
"Gas rationing.
Welcome to 1974! Here's the only good thing. We don't have enough gas now to
drive over the fiscal cliff." –David Letterman
"James Bond
beat Abraham Lincoln at the box office. Boy, it's really been a lousy week for
Republicans, hasn't it?" –David Letterman
"There's a
double standard here. The head of the CIA gets caught having sex and has to
resign. Meanwhile, a British special agent, James Bond, has sex with tons of
women and makes $90 million at the box office. Where's the justice?"
–Craig Ferguson
"No one knows
what David Petraeus will do next. All I know is he's in for one awkward
Thanksgiving." –Craig Ferguson
"This weekend,
it was announced that Justin Bieber and his girlfriend, Selena Gomez, have
broken up. Bieber said, 'Just tell me one thing – is it General
Petraeus?'" –Jimmy Fallon
"The
presidential election officially ended this weekend, four days after the polls
closed. The votes from Florida finally came in. So now Florida can get back to
doing what it does best, which is eating early and driving slowly." –Jimmy
Kimmel
"Mitt Romney
has a supporter in Indiana who thought it was a good idea to have the
Romney/Ryan logo tattooed on his face. He'll feel stupid when he finds out
about campaign buttons. " –Jimmy Kimmel
"Even Mike
Tyson was like, 'That's a ridiculous tattoo.'" –Jimmy Kimmel
"I wonder if
laser tattoo removal is covered under Obamacare. That would be ironic, wouldn't
it?" –Jimmy Kimmel
"CIA director
General David Petraeus resigned Friday after it was revealed he was having an
affair with the woman who wrote his biography, 'All In.' Of course when they
first started working on the book, it was called, 'Just The Tip.'" –Seth
Meyers
