November 2, 2012

"Halloween is a day when we all get to fool people into thinking we're someone else. Or as Mitt Romney calls it, campaigning." –Bill Maher

"We had the last presidential debate. A very subdued Mitt Romney I thought. If you saw it, Obama would talk, and then Mitt would say, 'what he said, but from a white guy.'" –Bill Maher

"In the last three weeks, Mitt Romney has come out against tax cuts for the rich, against war, and suddenly for regulations, for teachers, for auto bailouts, for the UN, for birth control, for foreign aid. And what I love is that at this point it's too late for the Tea Party to do anything about this except act like they're okay with it. At this point they're like Jerry Sandusky's wife." –Bill Maher

"Today Mitt Romney picked up the endorsement of Meat Loaf. When Chris Christie heard that Meat Loaf was behind Romney, he pushed Romney out of the way." –Bill Maher

"Today Mitt Romney advised that men should head for the shelters and women should remain in their binders." –Bill Maher

"If these evangelical Republicans were any more anti-woman, I would think that they're repressed homo…wait a second!" –Bill Maher

"You know who is celebrating a birthday? Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. He'll be 55 years old on Sunday. The United States has put severe sanctions on his cake." –David Letterman

"Donald Trump has been fired from managing the upscale condominium in New York City known as 'Trump Place.' The condominium board fired him. Finally a job loss Obama can be happy about. " –Jay Leno

"According to the latest poll, 80 percent of the people polled are sick and tired of hearing about the latest polls." –Jay Leno

"Michelle Obama is with us tonight. She'll encourage us to vote early. Most Republicans are opposed, because they believe that voting starts at conception." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Studies show that votes cast in the days leading up to the election tend to favor the Democratic Party and votes cast AFTER an election tend to favor the marijuana party”–Jimmy Kimmel

"I'm looking forward to interviewing the first lady. I sat next to her when I hosted the White House Correspondents Dinner. But it's hard to have a conversation with Newt Gingrich yelling 'You gonna eat that' over and over again in my ear." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Today Colin Powell endorsed Barack Obama for president. This news surprised many elderly Americans who thought they were the same person." –Craig Ferguson

"Well, we have an audience back. Even before Hurricane Sandy I always thought that it took a great deal of courage for people to sit through this show." –David Letterman

"Mitt Romney resumed campaigning today. He was visiting those hardest hit by the storm, and that would be swing-state Latinos." –David Letterman

"Michael Brown, the former director of FEMA who was forced to resign after Hurricane Katrina, has criticized the president. He said Obama may have acted too quickly this time — instead of taking the wait-and-do-nothing approach that worked so well during Katrina." –Jimmy Kimmel

"That is an interesting point coming from a former FEMA director and current Applebee's employee of the week." –Jimmy Kimmel

"I had a trick-or-treater tonight who stood outside on my porch for an hour, didn't ring the bell, didn't knock on the door. I said, 'Who are you supposed to be?' He said, 'I'm an undecided voter.'" –Jay Leno

"Donald Trump, did you see him today? He was giving candy only to kids who could show their birth certificate and their school records." –Jay Leno

"Due to the tough economy, two of the world's biggest publishing houses have decided to merge and become one. In fact, they're only going to publish one book this year – '50 Shades of Harry Potter.'" –Conan O'Brien

"In a Romney administration, instead of depending on big government, you’d be rescued by private sector volunteers, like Paul Ryan, who will personally come to your devastated town and wash your already clean pots." –Stephen Colbert

"New Jersey took a pounding. Governor Chris Christie was actually knocked over." –David Letterman

"I watched a lot of storm coverage over the last couple of days. I spent 36 hours watching weather reporters standing in water while telling us not to stand in water." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Governor Christie does a great job with the storm press conferences. It's hard to be boring in the middle of a disaster but somehow Mayor Bloomberg manages to do it." –Jimmy Kimmel

"I don't know if you guys caught the show last night, but because of Hurricane Sandy, we had to do the show to a bunch of empty seats — or as Clint Eastwood calls that, 'a full house.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"We're still dealing with Hurricane Sandy here in New York. A lot of people on the East Coast don't have access to Facebook or Twitter. Everybody was like, "How am I supposed to complain about not having Facebook or Twitter if I don't have Facebook or Twitter?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The stock market was closed for two days, yesterday and today. You know what that means? Although our lives were in danger, at least for two days our money was safe." –Jay Leno

"The hurricane has interrupted the presidential campaign. Both presidential candidates are taking measures to prepare for Hurricane Sandy. President Obama is staying in Washington to coordinate relief efforts. And Mitt Romney is moving his smaller homes into his larger home." –Conan O'Brien

"Lindsay Lohan sent out a tweet urging people not to panic over hurricane sandy. She said the correct time to panic is if anyone sees her in a rental car. Then you should evacuate the area." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama now has a 52-point lead with Hispanics. However, Mitt Romney has a 90-point lead with the people who hire Hispanics." –Conan O'Brien

"A man in Indiana got a tattoo of Mitt Romney's campaign logo on his face. They describe the man as a staunch Republican who has never heard of bumper stickers." –Conan O'Brien

"The Giants swept the Tigers four straight to win the World Series. The last time a Tiger took a beating this bad, he had a nine-iron through the back window of his Escalade." –Jay Leno

"I don't want to say that was a tough World Series, but today Detroit asked for another bailout." –Jay Leno

"It was so windy yesterday that a Jets receiver was actually blown into the end zone." –David Letterman

"President Obama said that Americans should take warnings about Hurricane Sandy seriously. So step one: Give it a name other than Sandy. I mean, come on." –Jimmy Fallon