November 23, 2012

"Last night we had a rough audience, very unpleasant. And then halfway   through the show they voted to secede." --David   Letterman

  "Arizona elected the first openly bisexual congresswoman. She's a lady   promising to reach across the aisle and grab whatever's there." --Conan   O'Brien

 "Facebook  just launched a new app. They teamed up with the Department of Labor to   create what they call the social jobs app. You can browse through 2   million job listings. You know it's bad when even Facebook thinks it's   time for you to get a job." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Facebook also has an app that can help you lose your job. It's called   Facebook." --Jimmy Kimmel

 "Yesterday, President Obama gave his first press conference since being   re-elected. And a lot of people are saying it looked like he was trying   to cover up some of his gray hair. So I guess Obama's major goals   include jobs for women and Just For Men." --Jimmy Fallon

 "During his final speech on the House floor yesterday, Congressman Ron   Paul said the Constitution has failed. Which must be a bummer because   he's actually one of the guys who signed it." --Jimmy Fallon

 "The economy is so bad that on the way to work I saw Phil Jackson   holding a sign that said, 'Will coach for food.'" --Jay Leno

  "The economy is so bad, MSNBC had to lay off 300 Obama spokesmen."   --Jay Leno

 "The economy is so bad, President Obama sent Susan Rice out to defend   it." --Jay Leno

 "It was announced today that former General Petraeus has agreed to testify before Congress. I   guess he figured, 'Why not?' Those questions can't be any tougher than   the ones he's getting at home right now." --Jay Leno

  "See, when a general tells his wife, 'I was pitching a tent in Afghanistan," technically he's not lying." --Jay Leno

  "A woman in Arizona ran over her husband with her Jeep because she   blamed him for Obama getting reelected. See, I don't think the woman is being fair.   If Obama hadn't saved the auto industry, she wouldn't have been able to   run over her husband with an American-made car." --Jay Leno

  "There's a petition for Texas to secede. It has 25,000 signatures. The   signatures are from every state but Texas." --Conan O'Brien

 "The Rockefeller Center's Christmas tree is being put in place this   afternoon. They bring it in and hoist it with a crane and steel cables.   It's the same way they get Chris Christie into his pants." --David   Letterman

  "This David Patraeus scandal is insane and has no signs of stopping. In a   weird twist today, a jogger recently found the driver's license of   Patraeus's mistress, Paula Broadwell, in a park. He knew it was her   driver's license because under sex it said, 'Lots with David Patraeus.'"   --Jimmy Fallon

"'Skyfall,' the number one movie at the box office this week, made   over $100 million. It's the biggest opening ever for a James Bond film.   There's not a lot of sex in the movie -- it's very downplayed. See,   James Bond is just a secret agent. It's not like he's head of the CIA."   --Jay Leno

  "Arizona has elected the first openly bisexual congresswoman. Apparently   she did very well with swing voters." --Conan O'Brien

   "The new 'Call of Duty: Black Ops' video game was released today, and it   actually features General David Petraeus. So I guess it’s safe to assume   the game has plenty of cheat codes." --Jimmy Fallon

  "Today a rare 76-carat diamond went up for auction in Switzerland. The   jeweler called it 'a priceless stone' while David Petraeus' wife called   it 'a start.'" --Jimmy Fallon