"Exit polls
show that President Obama did well with women, beating Romney by 11
binders." –Jay Leno
"A 108-year-old
woman in South Carolina just voted for the first time. She voted for Eisenhower
— but still, good for her." –Jimmy Fallon
"Italy's former
prime minster Sylvia Berlusconi has been sentenced to four years in prison for
tax evasion. You know what you get in America for tax evasion? The Republican
presidential nomination." –Jay Leno
"Some more good
news – the president announced today he is not going to raise taxes on the
entire 1 percent, just Donald Trump." –Jay Leno
"Trump is not
giving up. When it was announced that President Obama easily won the Electoral
College, Trump demanded to see Obama's Electoral College records." –Jay
Leno
"Donald Trump
is starting to lose it. At one point last night on Twitter, he called for
revolution since Obama won. The man's a billionaire who owns golf courses,
okay. You don't call for revolution. Billionaires are the first ones beheaded
during a revolution." –Jay Leno
"Vice President
Joe Biden said now that the election is over, he's going to take a vacation.
He's been vice president for four years. That is a vacation!" –Jay Leno
"This morning
the stock met plunged over 300 points. You know why? Romney pulled his money
out." –Jay Leno
After 18 months, the
election is over. You know what made a big difference last night? The Hispanic
vote. The president got 70 percent of the Hispanic vote in Colorado and Nevada.
And in New Hampshire, Obama got the support of both Latino guys." –Conan
O'Brien
"Mitt Romney
did well with certain voters. It was close. He had the support of men, people
over 45, and married women. In other words, Mitt Romney had the support of Mitt
and Ann Romney." –Conan O'Brien
"Yesterday was
a historic day. Everyone marked it in different ways. A Kenyan woman gave birth
to twin boys and named them Barack Obama and Mitt Romney. Obviously she named
the one that came out second Mitt Romney." –Conan O'Brien
"Well, it's
over, and as usual, the guy from Kenya won." –David Letterman
"Some
Republicans are taking it hard. Clint Eastwood spent the entire day buying
drinks for an empty bar stool." –David Letterman
"A victory like
this is just the kind of thing that might sway the undecided voters."
–David Letterman
"The had a CBS
exit poll last night. 100 percent of the people questioned in the exit poll
said they were leaving." –David Letterman
"Mitt Romney
was very gracious in his remarks in his concession speech. Shortly after Mitt
Romney conceded, Paul Ryan was untied and set free." –David Letterman
"The long
national nightmare is finally over. We have expressed our will at the polls.
The results have been tallied and we proved once again that American democracy
is alive and well — even if Florida was more confused than an old person with
an iPhone." –Craig Ferguson
"I really think
in all of what happened yesterday, the only person who should be considered a
'loser' is Donald Trump. I'll tell you why. He went on Twitter demanding a
revolution. So far no one's listened to him — because he's Donald Trump! After
that, Trump tweeted, 'The world is laughing at us.' I'm thinking, No, Donald.
The world is laughing at you and this is why. It is because you're wearing an
orange face and a crazy wig. This is the uniform the world over of a clown!
Nobody laughs WITH the clown. They laugh AT the clown. Then when the clown gets
angry, it is funnier." –Craig Ferguson
"The
presidential election is that special time every four years when Americans
gather around their TVs to be reminded where the states are on a map."
–Jimmy Kimmel
"Colorado and
Washington have become the first states to legalize the recreational use of marijuana.
That's a big deal because here in California, you can use marijuana legally
only if you receive it for a fake medical condition." –Jimmy Kimmel
"Last night
Colorado became the first state to legalize the recreational use of marijuana.
They just renamed their NBA team the Denver McNuggets." –Jimmy Fallon
And finally, as with
most Daily Shows, this is better viewed than read: Jon Stewart the day after
the election, with Nate Silver as the guest.
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