March 30, 2012

“Ron Paul said it’s still too early to count him out as the Republican nominee. Seriously? That’s like Newt Gingrich saying it’s too early to count him out as an Abercrombie model.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Gas prices are expected to continue to rise throughout the summer, and oil companies say it’s because of high demand due to warmer summer weather — as opposed to what they told us a couple of months ago, that oil prices went up because of higher demand for winter heating oil. So basically, if there’s weather, gas prices go up.” –Jay Leno

“Newt Gingrich announced today he is laying off a third of his campaign staff. Is that surprising? He laid off two-thirds of his wives.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama warned North Korea’s Kim Jong Un that ‘bad behavior will not be rewarded.’ Then Kim asked, “So, how do you explain another season of 'Jersey Shore'?” –Conan O’Brien

“A madam in New York City claims that John Edwards was a customer in her brothel. You hear that kind of thing and it really makes you lose respect for prostitutes, doesn't it?” –Jay Leno

“Newt Gingrich is hoping to cut into his campaign debt by charging people $50 to take a photo with him. Just imagine — a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to get a personal picture with a man who will never be the president of the United States.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Dick Cheney received a heart transplant this weekend after waiting for two years. He wasn’t waiting for a donor. It just took doctors two years to find Cheney’s current heart.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Yesterday President Obama said that North Korea is in a ‘time warp’ that has missed 50 years of progress. North Korea denied the accusation — in a strongly worded telegraph.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Jeb Bush has come out and endorsed Mitt Romney. He said it was the hardest decision he's had to make since endorsing his brother, George W.” –Jay Leno

“This law they have in Florida, this “stand your ground’ law where you can use can use any amount of force if you think there is some amount of perceived threat; good thing they don’t’ have that here because my lawn would be littered with Jehovah’s Witnesses.” –Bill Maher

"Today is Ann and Mitt Romney's 43rd wedding anniversary. This means that 43 years ago Mitt proposed to his wife and due to a weak field of candidates, she said yes." –Conan O'Brien

This weekend President Obama will visit the border that separates North and South Korea. Not to be outdone, Newt Gingrich will visit the border that separates the KFC from the Taco Bell." –Jimmy Fallon

March 23, 2012

“Rick Santorum said this week that his 12-year-old could out-reason me about God. Look, I am not about to debate a home-schooled twelve-year-old. I have enough trouble with Sarah Palin.” –Bill Maher

“Mitt Romney is determined to win the Southerners back for the general election. His slogan down there is now ‘Romney: Oh right, like you’re gonna vote for the black guy.’” –Bill Maher

"The Army is pulling out of Rush. Meanwhile, they're staying in Afghanistan to negotiate with the Taliban, who evidently have a better track record on women's issues." –Stephen Colbert, on the U.S. Army pulling ads from Rush Limbaugh's radio show

"If you want to avoid getting pregnant there is only one surefire way: be a man." –Stephen Colbert

"Rick Santorum is resonating with voters because of his authenticity. He always speaks off the cuff, which is why his sweaters don't have sleeves." –Stephen Colbert

"Mitt Romney has been out-spending his opponents by a huge margin, and he's still losing. Fortunately, being a hedge fund manager, he bet against himself and made another fortune." –Jay Leno

"More and more Republicans are calling on Newt Gingrich to drop out of the campaign. Well, I don't want to say things look bad for Newt, but his ex-wives now are starting to outnumber his supporters." –Jay Leno

"Rick Santorum says if elected president, he'll crack down on Internet porn. You thought he was alienating female voters with that birth control thing? Oh, guys are gonna be leaving in droves." –Jay Leno

"Yesterday Rick Santorum greeted the locals by telling them if Puerto Rico wants to become a state, they need to start speaking English. Only Rick Santorum would go to someone's native land and tell them they're speaking the wrong language." –Jimmy Kimmel

"When I heard the Republicans were in President Obama's home state, I said, 'They're holding a primary in Kenya?'" –Craig Ferguson

"Some top Republicans are urging Newt Gingrich to leave the race, but he says he's sticking around. If they could get him to marry the race, he would probably leave it eventually." –Jimmy Kimmel

"This Wednesday Mitt Romney goes one-on-one in a debate against the one man who stands in the way of his nomination: Mitt Romney." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Massachusetts moderate squares off with die-hard conservative Romney on the issues. Man versus machine. Romney versus Romney." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Last week a tourist in Puerto Rico took a picture of Rick Santorum shirtless on the beach. I don’t want to say he looked chubby, but his new Secret Service code name is 'Newt Gingrich.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"That’s right — Rick Santorum was seen lying on the beach without his shirt on. He would have worn sunscreen, but he’s not really into protection." –Jimmy Fallon

"Rick Santorum said he's not worried about unemployment. Well, he will be in November." –David Letterman

“Here’s how nice it was here on the Eastern Seaboard. It was such a beautiful day today that Mitt Romney was riding on the roof of his car.” –David Letterman

“Mitt Romney is so rich, he taught his dog to roll over . . . an IRA.” –Jay Leno

“Donald Trump's sons shot and killed endangered animals on a safari. They got an elephant, a crocodile, and that thing on their dad’s head.” –Jimmy Fallon

March 16, 2012

“Mitt Romney just barely won the Republican primary in Ohio by 1%. ...Then Romney made the mistake of saying, 'Ladies and gentlemen, tonight is a victory for the 1%!'" –Conan O'Brien

“According to exit polls, Mitt Romney is struggling with voters who call themselves very conservative. However, Mitt is doing great with voters who describe themselves as being 'totally freaked out by Rick Santorum.'” –Conan O’Brien 

"It's being reported that Dunkin' Donuts restaurants in China are adding pork donuts to the menu. For God's sake, do the Chinese have to beat us at everything?" –Conan O’Brien

"Last night was Super Tuesday – a 10-state GOP Primary orgy. A big, sweaty pile of lever-yankin' Republican voters. And like most orgies, it involves a bunch of middle aged guys who are not appealing to women." –Stephen Colbert

“Mitt Romney's wife said she doesn't even consider herself wealthy. Then she said, ‘If you don't believe me, just ask my chauffeur.’” –Craig Ferguson

“I'm excited about the new iPad. But then I'm excited about anything that is not the Republican primaries.” –Craig Ferguson

"So Newt Gingrich is looking for a vice presidential running mate. Being Newt's VP is like being a Kardashian husband. It's going to be over quickly." –David Letterman

"March Madness goes from 64 teams to 32 to 16 to 8 to 4 to 2 and then 1. It's how Rush Limbaugh loses sponsors." –David Letterman

"Rick Santorum has been on a roll lately. CNN came up with a clever word for this — Santorumentum. Are they serious? It sounds like something you put under your nose or the name of a drug." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Bothered by irregularity? Constipation? Santorumentum — the twice-a-day medication, not covered by Obamacare. Consult Jesus before taking any medication." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Rick Santorum won Alabama and Mississippi, and Mitt Romney won Hawaii and American Samoa. Here's a little mnemonic device to help you remember. Places you can get to in a Winnebago, go to Santorum. Places that require a jet or a yacht, go to Romney. Romney, of course, always does well with islands, that's where his money lives." –Jon Stewart

"Newt Gingrich has promised to cut the price of gas to $2.50 a gallon. It's not catching on with voters. How bad a candidate are you that people are willing to pay higher gas prices just to keep you out of office?" –Jay Leno

"You all know Newt Gingrich. Newt is short for Newton. People say if that's the case, what is Mitt short for? It's short for 'Mittens.'" –David Letterman

"Osama bin Laden was living in that compound with three wives. It's like he was Newt Gingrich." –David Letterman

“Happy birthday to Mitt Romney, he’s 65 years old. At his party, he didn't blow out the candles. He gave a speech and the candles just flickered and died.” –Jay Leno 

“Romney's birthday is not a big deal here. But in the Cayman Islands, it's a national holiday.” –Jay Leno 

“That Mitt Romney, he is a master campaigner. This week he was introducing his wife, and he said, ‘She is the heavyweight champion of my life.” Which may explain why on the ride home, he was strapped to the roof of the car.” –Bill Maher

“Rick Santorum nearly won Ohio, despite a flood of ads that said that Rick Santorum is a creepy, far-right, socially backward extremist – and those were his ads. That’s how he sells himself.” –Bill Maher

“To recap the Republican views on women: you can’t have birth control, you’re sluts, and you’re fat. Vote for me in November everyone.” –Bill Maher

“Poor Mitt Romney. He can’t get the hang of campaigning like a regular guy. He’s always remind people of his vast wealth. Today he demanded to see Obama’s gift certificate.” –Bill Maher

“Romney is not a regular guy. He was campaigning in Mississippi this week and said ‘some of my best friends spill oil in this gulf.’” –Bill Maher

“Despite only winning the Super Tuesday primary in Georgia, Newt Gingrich vowed to continue his campaign, saying ‘I'm the tortoise. I take it one step at a time. Also, if you roll me onto my back I can never get up.’” –Seth Meyers

“The latest polls show President Obama’s approval rating among women has risen by 10 percent. Many people believe this increase is due to Obama’s new campaign slogan: ‘Tell me about your day.’” –Conan O'Brien

“This week a Chicken McNugget that resembles President George Washington was auctioned on eBay for over $8,000. Meanwhile, a Chicken McNugget that looks like Mitt Romney was eaten by Newt Gingrich.” –Conan O’Brien 

“Stoners just got a powerful new ally in the fight to legalize marijuana — conservative broadcaster Pat Robertson. He said it’s time to ‘you know, legalize it, tax it, and keep it away from Mel Gibson.’” –Craig Ferguson

“I don’t see why anyone is surprised, though. Pat Robertson is 81 years old. After a certain point, old people don’t care what anybody thinks. They just don’t. They wear socks with sandals.” –Craig Ferguson

“A phone survey found 70 percent of Americans support legalizing marijuana. I can’t believe that many marijuana supporters managed to answer the phone.” –Craig Ferguson

March 9, 2012

“Today is the multi-state primary known as ‘Super Tuesday.’ It's going to be followed tomorrow by ‘Now we're really stuck with Romney Wednesday.’” –Conan O'Brien

"In several Super Tuesday states, a third of the voters still believe that President Obama was born in a foreign country. Yeah. These are the same people who think that Super Tuesday is Superman's birthday." –Conan O’Brien

"This week in Ohio, Mitt Romney has been trying to present himself as a blue-collar candidate. ... Unfortunately it doesn't help that his opening line is 'Hello, my fellow peasants.'" –Conan O’Brien

“Romney spent five and a half million bucks on TV advertising in the Super Tuesday states. Meanwhile, Ron Paul put a sticker on a light pole.” –Craig Ferguson

“Mitt Romney's been out on the campaign trail even though he's suffering from a terrible cold. I'm not surprised he's sick. It's very unsanitary to keep putting your foot in your mouth like that.” –Craig Ferguson

“It didn't help matters that Romney kept blowing his nose into $100 bills.” –Craig Ferguson

"With Super Tuesday coming up... there is not much time left until all conservatives are obliged to bury our feelings and find Mitt Romney attractive." –Stephen Colbert

“Rush Limbaugh: four wives he’s had – no children. Dude, you are birth control.” –Bill Maher

“Now that Snooki is pregnant, somebody has to ask Rick Santorum, ‘Are you still against contraception?’” –Bill Maher

“Japanese researchers have invented a speech-jamming gun that can silence people from 30 meters away. You fire this at them, and they can stop talking. It makes people speechless. We should try this on Rush Limbaugh.” –Jay Leno

“Republican Senator Orrin Hatch accused President Obama of pandering to the hipster wing of the Democratic Party. It's pretty shocking — not that he said that, just that Orrin Hatch knows what a hipster is.” –Jimmy Fallon

“There is an HBO movie coming out about the 2008 presidential election. Apparently John McCain is very unhappy with the way he was portrayed. He said he came across as a clueless and angry man. No one had the heart to tell him he was watching the toaster.” –Craig Ferguson

“While visiting a GM plant President Obama pledged to buy a Chevy Volt after his presidency ends in five years. Today Mitt Romney said, ‘Make it one year and I’ll buy it for you.’” –Jay Leno

“Newt Gingrich has promised to bring gas down to $2.50 a gallon. That's what Newt should be doing, running a gas station!” –Jay Leno

“It’s been a good week for Romney. He won Arizona, Michigan, and Wyoming. He said this is the best week of his life since they lowered the capital gains tax.” –Jay Leno

“I think Romney’s a good man but he just doesn’t inspire people. Even his new campaign slogan: ‘I guess you’re stuck with me.’” –Jay Leno

“Rick Santorum is so conservative, he won't even shop at Dick's Sporting Goods. He wants mailmen to stop wearing those shorts. He thinks a threesome is playing golf with two other guys. He's so conservative, he won't even shop at a store that has parking in the rear.” –Jay Leno

“We have the lovely actress Julianne Moore on the show tonight. She's playing Sarah Palin in the new HBO movie "Game Change." It's about the 2008 election. Believe me, that was a tough role to prepare for, playing Sarah Palin. She had to spend over six months not studying anything.” –Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney is having a lot of trouble connecting to the common person. So he’s trying a little too hard. In an interview yesterday, Romney said that he has worn a garbage bag as rain gear. He said it’s easy. All he had to do is dump out the hundred-dollar bills and throw the bag over his head.” –Conan O'Brien

“A new study found that government employees are the happiest workers. The study was not conducted at the DMV.” –Conan O’Brien

“Opening in New Jersey tomorrow is the circus. They put up the big tent, although this year it’s Governor Christie’s pants.” –David Letterman

“Newt Gingrich said that Mitt Romney is so closed-minded that he would have fired Christopher Columbus. Romney denied it, saying, ‘Are you kidding me? A man with three boats, that's my kind of guy.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“Mitt Romney won in Michigan last night. It was certainly a close race — a real nail-biter or, in Romney's case, a real manicure.” –David Letterman

“Rick Santorum thinks that global warming, climate change, is a hoax. Let me ask you something, Rick. If you think global warming and climate change is a hoax, how do you explain those sleeveless sweaters?” –David Letterman

"I think Rick Santorum learned something yesterday. He learned that electoral college is not for everyone. Not everyone needs to go the electoral college." –Jay Leno

“Gas prices are so high that Mitt Romney's wife can only afford to drive one Cadillac.” –Jay Leno

“Rick Santorum is saying the kids that go to college are snobs. Rick Santorum has a new program for children. It's called Every Child Left Behind.” –David Letterman

“Mitt Romney accused the other GOP candidates of pandering to voters to get support. Romney was like, ‘I would never pander to voters. I mean, unless you guys want me to.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“As of today, Rick Santorum will be assigned Secret Service agents. This is the first time Santorum has agreed to use any kind of protection.” –Conan O'Brien

“Now Romney and Santorum are battling over who's more conservative. I think Santorum... he's more conservative. This guy is so conservative, as a kid, he refused to play with an erector set.” –Jay Leno

“Santorum is so conservative he won't go to a junkyard out of fear that he might see another man's junk. That's how bad.” –Jay Leno

“He won't even blow his own soup.” –Jay Leno

“He thinks a dirty Sanchez is a quarterback for the New York Jets.” –Jay Leno

“Rick, I'm sorry that hearing that JFK speech on religion makes you throw up. But if it makes you feel any better, if JFK were alive today, knowing you were running for President would make him s**t his pants.” –Jon Stewart

"Yeah, what a snob. Obama thinks everybody should go to college like he did. Some of us weren’t handed a ticket to Harvard by being the biracial son of a single mother on food stamps. Must be nice.” –Stephen Colbert on Rick Santorum calling Obama a snob for suggesting that kids should go to college

“It was a tough game for the New York Knicks last night. Jeremy Lin went just 1-for-11 in their loss to Miami. Only 1 success out of 11 attempts — or as Newt Gingrich calls that, ‘primary season.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“During Vice President Biden’s speech in North Carolina today, a man onstage kept falling asleep. The worst part: It was actually Joe Biden.” –Jimmy Fallon