January 25, 2013

"The beginning of the movie 'Lincoln' has been slightly changed to explain the Civil War to foreign audiences. Or as Lincoln put it, 'I would have preferred a different ENDING.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama said this week that he wants to find a 'pathway for citizenship' for immigrants in the United States. Don't we have that? It's called the Rio Grande river." –Jay Leno

"Thousands of dead fish have now washed up on shore along the coast of South Carolina. Today the NRA said that this wouldn't have happened if those fish had guns." –Jay Leno

"Actually, she says she loves to dance and is a big fan of the show, but she said she'd rather stay home with the Biggest Loser." –Jay Leno

"The director of 'Zero Dark Thirty' has come out against torture. And the director of 'Lincoln' has come out against going to the theater in 1865." –Conan O'Brien

"It's reported that if you're playing Angry Birds, the company is tracking your location. This may seem silly to you, but it's actually how we got bin Laden." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama's inaugural parade will feature eight floats, including a Hawaii float to honor his birthplace, an Illinois float to honor the first lady’s home state, and a Kenyan float just to mess with Republicans." –Jimmy Fallon

"Wal-Mart made plans to hire 100,000 U.S. Veterans. Which can only mean one thing: Wal-Mart is going to invade Costco." –Conan O'Brien

"I'm still reeling from yesterday's inauguration disaster. First off, where was security? The Secret Service is supposed to protect the president and first lady, but in the middle of a kiss, they were viciously photobombed. Enjoy Gitmo, Malia." –Stephen Colbert

"Where did we go wrong? The Republicans had everything going for them – a terrible economy, an unpopular incumbent, and a positive message for the American voter: 'less than half of you are parasites.'" –Stephen Colbert

"Video game-maker Atari has filed for bankruptcy. Atari fans are so upset they're organizing a massive letter-writing campaign to President Reagan." –Conan O'Brien

"The CEO of Whole Foods is criticizing Obamacare, once again calling it fascism. He did this before when he called it socialism. And he said the problem with socialism is eventually you run out of other people's money. As opposed to shopping at Whole Foods, where you eventually run out of your own money." –Jay Leno

"The post office may sue Lance Armstrong for all of the money they spent sponsoring his team. In fact, after all these lawsuits, they say that Lance Armstrong could end up as broke as the post office." –Jay Leno

"More than a million people gathered in our nation's capital yesterday, and tens of millions more watched from home to celebrate the first lady's new haircut." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Most people seem to like the hair style, though some Republicans are demanding further cuts. But bangs aren't easy to pull off. As far as I know, the only other women who have done it successfully this decade are Jessica Biel and Justin Bieber." –Jimmy Kimmel

"During the inauguration, a teenage boy was spotted flirting with Malia Obama. At this moment, the boy is being flown to a remote location in Afghanistan." –Conan O'Brien

"Firearms groups across the country have declared today the first annual Gun Appreciation Day. So don't forget to set your clock back 100 years." –Seth Meyers

"The NRA made an ad saying that Obama is elitist because his kids have armed guards. Yeah, that crazy Obama thinking his kids need special protection. I love the NRA accusing anyone of being paranoid. It's like a septic tank saying, 'You need a mint.'" –Bill Maher

"Rick Perry said Obama's suggestions for gun control disgust him. He said the real answer to this problem isn't laws, it's prayer. You know, i know you're not supposed to say this about elected officials, but I would pay to see Rick Perry defend himself against a school shooter with prayer." –Bill Maher

"I guess that's just a crazy fantasy, Rick Perry in a school." –Bill Maher

"In a recent attack ad, the NRA claims that President Obama cares about his own children more than he cares about other children. In response, President Obama was like, 'Yeah, that's how families work.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Happy birthday to First Lady Michelle Obama. She turned 49 years old today. She told a reporter she'd like a nice gift from Barack, but nothing extravagant. Oh, don't worry. Obama is very responsible when he's spending his own money." –Jay Leno

"Today Russia announced plans to send a probe to the moon by the year 2015. Russian scientists say they're excited to see what they could discover on the moon's surface. I'll tell you what they're going to discover – an American flag!" –Craig Ferguson

There's a photo from the Inauguration in which Former President Bill Clinton appears to be checking out Kelly Clarkson. Clinton said, 'That's not true, I was checking out Beyonce and Kelly Clarkson got in the way.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Beyonce is remaining silent about charges that she lip-synched the national anthem. However, the charges are being strongly denied by a recording of Beyonce." –Conan O'Brien

"Steven Tyler defended Beyoncé after she lip-synced at President Obama's inauguration. Tyler said, "I know how she feels, I did the same thing at the Harry Truman Inauguration.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Yes, lip-gate. Beyonce-gate. The crisis in Lip-ya. Beyonc-gazi ... If Beyonce lip-synced at Obama's inaugural, do you know what that means? If so, please write in because I'd love to know why I'm so angry!" –Stephen Colbert

January 18, 2013

"Daniel Day-Lewis won a Golden Globe for playing Abraham Lincoln and Julianne Moore won for playing Sarah Palin. The foreign press realized that the greatest challenge for an actor in Hollywood is pretending to be a Republican." –Jay Leno

"The mayor of Los Angeles, Antonio Villaraigosa, was seen partying in Mexico with Charlie Sheen. When will Charlie learn that people judge you by the company you keep?" –Jay Leno

"Republicans and Democrats are working on a new bill to streamline the healthcare system. It will reduce the cost of mammograms and prostate exams. But don't worry. They'll still be free at the airport." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama's half-brother is running for political office in Kenya. Donald Trump has already accused him of being born in the United States." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama is coming under criticism that his new administration has less diversity than his first one. Which is why this morning Obama said, 'All right, fine, I am a Muslim." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama will be sworn in with his hand resting on two Bibles. Is that how screwed up Washington is now? One Bible can't get the job done anymore?" –Jay Leno

"U.S. customs officials recently discovered 310 pounds of marijuana hidden in some frozen carrots. That's one way to keep kids away from drugs – put them in vegetables." –Jay Leno

"Carrots and marijuana – how good will your vision be after THIS combination?" –Jay Leno

"A new survey found that 77 percent of Americans think politicians do serious harm to the country. Politicians are like, 'Cool, at least they think we do something.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"This year nobody was elected to baseball's hall of fame. No player has ever gotten into the hall of fame without winning Ohio." –David Letterman

"Ten days from now Barack Obama will be inaugurated. I'm telling you, it is really starting to look bad for Mitt Romney." –David Letterman

"The inauguration will have a lot of corporate sponsors, big money, and corporations sponsoring the inauguration. It will be the same with the Kardashian baby." –David Letterman

"Our huge state budget deficit is gone. Governor Jerry Brown announced the state budget for next year is projected to net an $851 million surplus and this year we'll have a surplus of $785 million. You hear that, meter maids? Maybe you can stop giving us tickets for a couple of months." –Jimmy Kimmel

"It's a huge achievement for Governor Jerry Brown. Apparently you can get a lot done when you're not walking around saying 'I'll be back' all the time." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Today was a big day in Hollywood. The Oscar nominations were announced. 'Lincoln' leads the list with 12 nominations. This is a first – not the most nominations, but the first time Hollywood has ever voted for a Republican president. That is amazing." –Jay Leno

"President Obama's inauguration is coming up. During next week's inauguration, he will be sworn in with not one, but two Bibles. Relax, Mr. President. We get it. You're not a Muslim. You're overcompensating." –Conan O'Brien

"Abraham Lincoln, our 16th president, has never been hotter. 'Lincoln' received 12 Oscar nominations. 'Lincoln' also received a nomination for best hat." –David Letterman

"President Obama recently came under fire over the lack of diversity in his cabinet. Then Obama said, 'You guys know I'll be there, too, right?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Today, the president hosted a screening of NBC's White House comedy, '1600 Penn,' which centers on a goofy guy who keeps embarrassing the White House. Or as Joe Biden put it, 'Why's everyone looking at me?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The Consumer Electronics Show is happening in Las Vegas and the most amazing gadgets are being talked about. One of the gadgets this year is a fork that tells you when you're eating too fast. In a related story today, Chris Christie was spotted yelling at his fork to mind its own business." –Conan O'Brien

"Make no mistake -- they're coming for our guns. And we freedom-loving gun lovers are totally defenseless! Other than, you know, the guns." –Stephen Colbert

"Nothing reassures parents more than surrounding their kids with the kind of guys who have a lot of weapons and nothing to do on weekdays." –Stephen Colbert on putting armed guards in schools

January 11, 2013

"A political opponent is accusing Governor Chris Christie of praying for Hurricane Sandy. In response, Christie said the only weather-related thing he's ever prayed for is a Dairy Queen Blizzard." –Conan O'Brien

"According to a new poll, Congress is now less popular than head lice, Nickelback, and Donald Trump. In a related story, head lice is insulted that it's being lumped in with Donald Trump and Nickelback." –Conan O'Brien

"We're $20 trillion in debt so somebody at the treasury department says that what we'll do is print a coin for a trillion dollars. I've seen a prototype. It has a beautiful profile of Regis Philbin." –David Letterman

"You can use the trillion-dollar coin to pay off the national debt, or it will help you get a Kardashian." –David Letterman

Jon Stewart on gun control opponents: "No one's taking away ALL the guns. But now I get it, now I see what's happening. So this is what it is. Their paranoid fear of a possible dystopic future prevents us from addressing our actual dystopic present. We can't even begin to address 30,000 gun deaths that are actually, in reality, happening in this country every year because a few of us must remain vigilant against the rise of imaginary Hitler."

"Secretary of State Hillary Clinton returned to work today and as a joke, her staff gave her a helmet. This is the second time a Clinton in government has been asked to wear protection." –Conan O'Brien

"Chuck Hagel is the new secretary of defense nominee. They are saying that he may be reluctant to send troops into a war zone needlessly. What kind of a nut job is this guy?" –David Letterman

"Al Gore's Current TV has been sold to Al-Jazeera for a reported $500 million. Experts believe that Al-Jazeera overpaid for Current TV by approximately $500

 million." –Jay Leno

"The National Journal says Joe Biden maybe the most influential vice president in history. Is that really a compliment? Isn’t that like being the tallest hobbit?" –Jay Leno

"Chris Christie also lashed out at Congress for doing nothing for the victims of Hurricane Sandy. But in their defense Congress says, 'Hey, we don't do anything for anybody.'" –Jay Leno

"Congress has approved some version of this fiscal cliff bill thing. Well, taxes are going up, and now, they're looking to make cuts just about everywhere. In fact, oil companies today had to lay off 15 senators." –Jay Leno

"Today, members of the 113th Congress were sworn in at the Capitol. After which, they were like, 'Well, that's enough work for the year.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Today the Senate swore in a record 20 female senators. Yep, the women said they’re very excited, and look forward to proving they can accomplish just as little as male senators." –Jimmy Fallon

January 4, 2013

"Here's what happened in Washington today. The Republicans and the Democrats got together. They rolled up their sleeves and then they took a break." –Jay Leno

"The Mayan calendar didn't go past Dec. 21, 2012. There is one problem with the Mayan prophesy. It is crap. Every serious Mayan scholar says close reading of Mayan texts reveals they believed the world would go for thousands of years past the end of the calendar. But let's listen to the wacko locked in the basement with 500 pounds of spam because he knows what is going to happen!" –Craig Ferguson

"Personally, I think people who are panicking about what the Mayans believed says more about our society than it does the Mayans. I don't know really where I'm going with that, but it sounded good, didn't it? It sounded like I was really smart. I've got something to say." –Craig Ferguson

"Ireland is coming out with its own version of the show 'Cheers.' Yeah, a sitcom about people who sit around drinking at a bar all day — or as they call that in Ireland, 'Reality TV.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"After three years and six seasons, the final episode of 'Jersey Shore' aired tonight. Or as the Mayans put it, 'So we were off by one day.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"There's a photo going around with President Obama playing with a staffer's son who's dressed as Spider-Man. Obama was like, 'Shouldn't you be fighting the Green Goblin?' And the kid was like, 'shouldn't you be working on the fiscal cliff?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The kid was really excited to meet the president, while Joe Biden was real excited to meet Spider-Man." –Jimmy Fallon

"It looks like President Obama is going to pick John Kerry to be our next secretary of state. This is a very strategic move when it comes to foreign policy. Obama plans to use Kerry to bore our enemies to death." –Jay Leno

"Sources told ABC News today that Defense Department official Michael Vickers gave sensitive inside information about the capture of Osama bin Laden to the producers of the movie 'Zero Dark Thirty.' It's also being reported that John McCain gave firsthand inside information to the film 'Lincoln.'" –Jay Leno

"The world's oldest woman passed away at 116. They keep dying. I think that title may be cursed." –David Letterman

"It's been a tough decade for Lindsay Lohan. She's either in prison or she's in rehab. She's been in rehab so many times that the rehab cafeteria has a sandwich named after her." –David Letterman

"Now Lindsay Lohan is apparently broke. To raise money — say your son's having a bar mitzvah — Lindsay will appear at your son's bar mitzvah. She's also available for end-of-the-world parties." –David Letterman

"New Jersey became a state on this day in 1787. New Jersey Governor Chris Christie had a giant cake and a bucket of ice cream. Then he remembered today was New Jersey's birthday." –Craig Ferguson

"I was thinking about Santa Claus. When you really think about it, this has to be the biggest, most elaborate prank in the history of the world. It's like we're all in on a huge joke we're playing on kids. And eventually they figure it out and they start lying to their kids, too." –Jimmy Kimmel

"And as silly as this all may seem, a worldwide survey shows that one in 10 people believed the world was going to end on Friday. A Chinese man even designed a survival pod. The inventor says they can hold 14 people comfortably, or roughly three American people comfortably." –Jimmy Kimmel

"If you buy one of these pods, you might survive the end of the world. But since it is made in China, you will also die of lead poisoning." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Last week a group of chefs baked the world's largest pizza, which is gluten-free and contains 9,000 pounds of cheese. Or as Americans put it, 'You had me at 'world's largest pizza' — you LOST me at 'gluten-free' — then you won me back with '9,000 pounds of cheese.''" –Jimmy Fallon

"There's talk that Jackie Chan may join the cast of 'The Expendables 3,' along with Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger. Stallone, Schwarzenegger, and Chan — which explains the movie's next title: 'The Can't-Understandables.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Police are now looking for a man who robbed a bank wearing a Mitt Romney mask. He robbed the bank, fled the area, and then stashed the money somewhere in the Cayman Islands." –Jay Leno

"Secretary of State Hillary Clinton collapsed, passed out, banged her head, got a concussion. She is listed as questionable for Sunday's game against the Ravens." –David Letterman

"For the next six weeks Hillary will be in an orthopedic pants suit." –David Letterman

"The Golden Globe nominations were announced yesterday morning, and 'Lincoln' got seven nominations. Finally, a Republican who might win something." –Jay Leno

"On Wednesday night, Barbara Walters asked Governor Chris Christie if he was too fat to be president. A lot of people are criticizing Barbara for asking that question. But in fairness, Barbara asked that exact same question when she interviewed William Howard Taft." –Jay Leno

"The U.S. Census Bureau says that by the year 2043, white people will be in the minority in the United States. By that time, the country will be 15 percent black, 31 percent Hispanic, and 1 percent Republican." –Jay Leno

"Barbara Walters chose General David Petraeus as the most fascinating person of 2012. What a coincidence. So did Paula Broadwell." –Jay Leno

"Anyone see that Hurricane Sandy concert? Kanye West performed while wearing a leather skirt. So now they're having a benefit concert for people who had to see that." –Conan O'Brien

"New Jersey Governor Chris Christie says he hired a personal trainer. The trainer makes him do two laps around the Cinnabon before going in." –Conan O'Brien

"HBO is planning a new movie similar to 'Game Change,' but based on the 2012 election. The network said they're not sure who will play Mitt Romney — then Mitt Romney said, 'Hey, I'm not doing anything.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday, the Senate floor was reserved for farewell speeches from retiring senators. Each senator received a fitting gift: a gold watch that stopped working years ago." –Jimmy Fallon