"A political
opponent is accusing Governor Chris Christie of praying for Hurricane Sandy. In
response, Christie said the only weather-related thing he's ever prayed for is
a Dairy Queen Blizzard." –Conan O'Brien
"According to a
new poll, Congress is now less popular than head lice, Nickelback, and Donald
Trump. In a related story, head lice is insulted that it's being lumped in with
Donald Trump and Nickelback." –Conan O'Brien
"We're $20
trillion in debt so somebody at the treasury department says that what we'll do
is print a coin for a trillion dollars. I've seen a prototype. It has a
beautiful profile of Regis Philbin." –David Letterman
"You can use
the trillion-dollar coin to pay off the national debt, or it will help you get
a Kardashian." –David Letterman
Jon Stewart on gun
control opponents: "No one's taking away ALL the guns. But now I get it,
now I see what's happening. So this is what it is. Their paranoid fear of a
possible dystopic future prevents us from addressing our actual dystopic present.
We can't even begin to address 30,000 gun deaths that are actually, in reality,
happening in this country every year because a few of us must remain vigilant
against the rise of imaginary Hitler."
"Secretary of
State Hillary Clinton returned to work today and as a joke, her staff gave her
a helmet. This is the second time a Clinton in government has been asked to
wear protection." –Conan O'Brien
"Chuck Hagel is
the new secretary of defense nominee. They are saying that he may be reluctant
to send troops into a war zone needlessly. What kind of a nut job is this
guy?" –David Letterman
"Al Gore's
Current TV has been sold to Al-Jazeera for a reported $500 million. Experts
believe that Al-Jazeera overpaid for Current TV by approximately $500
million." –Jay Leno
"The National
Journal says Joe Biden maybe the most influential vice president in history. Is
that really a compliment? Isn’t that like being the tallest hobbit?" –Jay
Leno
"Chris Christie
also lashed out at Congress for doing nothing for the victims of Hurricane
Sandy. But in their defense Congress says, 'Hey, we don't do anything for
anybody.'" –Jay Leno
"Congress has
approved some version of this fiscal cliff bill thing. Well, taxes are going
up, and now, they're looking to make cuts just about everywhere. In fact, oil
companies today had to lay off 15 senators." –Jay Leno
"Today, members
of the 113th Congress were sworn in at the Capitol. After which, they were
like, 'Well, that's enough work for the year.'" –Jimmy Fallon
"Today the
Senate swore in a record 20 female senators. Yep, the women said they’re very
excited, and look forward to proving they can accomplish just as little as male
senators." –Jimmy Fallon
No comments:
Post a Comment