January 4, 2013

"Here's what happened in Washington today. The Republicans and the Democrats got together. They rolled up their sleeves and then they took a break." –Jay Leno

"The Mayan calendar didn't go past Dec. 21, 2012. There is one problem with the Mayan prophesy. It is crap. Every serious Mayan scholar says close reading of Mayan texts reveals they believed the world would go for thousands of years past the end of the calendar. But let's listen to the wacko locked in the basement with 500 pounds of spam because he knows what is going to happen!" –Craig Ferguson

"Personally, I think people who are panicking about what the Mayans believed says more about our society than it does the Mayans. I don't know really where I'm going with that, but it sounded good, didn't it? It sounded like I was really smart. I've got something to say." –Craig Ferguson

"Ireland is coming out with its own version of the show 'Cheers.' Yeah, a sitcom about people who sit around drinking at a bar all day — or as they call that in Ireland, 'Reality TV.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"After three years and six seasons, the final episode of 'Jersey Shore' aired tonight. Or as the Mayans put it, 'So we were off by one day.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"There's a photo going around with President Obama playing with a staffer's son who's dressed as Spider-Man. Obama was like, 'Shouldn't you be fighting the Green Goblin?' And the kid was like, 'shouldn't you be working on the fiscal cliff?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The kid was really excited to meet the president, while Joe Biden was real excited to meet Spider-Man." –Jimmy Fallon

"It looks like President Obama is going to pick John Kerry to be our next secretary of state. This is a very strategic move when it comes to foreign policy. Obama plans to use Kerry to bore our enemies to death." –Jay Leno

"Sources told ABC News today that Defense Department official Michael Vickers gave sensitive inside information about the capture of Osama bin Laden to the producers of the movie 'Zero Dark Thirty.' It's also being reported that John McCain gave firsthand inside information to the film 'Lincoln.'" –Jay Leno

"The world's oldest woman passed away at 116. They keep dying. I think that title may be cursed." –David Letterman

"It's been a tough decade for Lindsay Lohan. She's either in prison or she's in rehab. She's been in rehab so many times that the rehab cafeteria has a sandwich named after her." –David Letterman

"Now Lindsay Lohan is apparently broke. To raise money — say your son's having a bar mitzvah — Lindsay will appear at your son's bar mitzvah. She's also available for end-of-the-world parties." –David Letterman

"New Jersey became a state on this day in 1787. New Jersey Governor Chris Christie had a giant cake and a bucket of ice cream. Then he remembered today was New Jersey's birthday." –Craig Ferguson

"I was thinking about Santa Claus. When you really think about it, this has to be the biggest, most elaborate prank in the history of the world. It's like we're all in on a huge joke we're playing on kids. And eventually they figure it out and they start lying to their kids, too." –Jimmy Kimmel

"And as silly as this all may seem, a worldwide survey shows that one in 10 people believed the world was going to end on Friday. A Chinese man even designed a survival pod. The inventor says they can hold 14 people comfortably, or roughly three American people comfortably." –Jimmy Kimmel

"If you buy one of these pods, you might survive the end of the world. But since it is made in China, you will also die of lead poisoning." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Last week a group of chefs baked the world's largest pizza, which is gluten-free and contains 9,000 pounds of cheese. Or as Americans put it, 'You had me at 'world's largest pizza' — you LOST me at 'gluten-free' — then you won me back with '9,000 pounds of cheese.''" –Jimmy Fallon

"There's talk that Jackie Chan may join the cast of 'The Expendables 3,' along with Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger. Stallone, Schwarzenegger, and Chan — which explains the movie's next title: 'The Can't-Understandables.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Police are now looking for a man who robbed a bank wearing a Mitt Romney mask. He robbed the bank, fled the area, and then stashed the money somewhere in the Cayman Islands." –Jay Leno

"Secretary of State Hillary Clinton collapsed, passed out, banged her head, got a concussion. She is listed as questionable for Sunday's game against the Ravens." –David Letterman

"For the next six weeks Hillary will be in an orthopedic pants suit." –David Letterman

"The Golden Globe nominations were announced yesterday morning, and 'Lincoln' got seven nominations. Finally, a Republican who might win something." –Jay Leno

"On Wednesday night, Barbara Walters asked Governor Chris Christie if he was too fat to be president. A lot of people are criticizing Barbara for asking that question. But in fairness, Barbara asked that exact same question when she interviewed William Howard Taft." –Jay Leno

"The U.S. Census Bureau says that by the year 2043, white people will be in the minority in the United States. By that time, the country will be 15 percent black, 31 percent Hispanic, and 1 percent Republican." –Jay Leno

"Barbara Walters chose General David Petraeus as the most fascinating person of 2012. What a coincidence. So did Paula Broadwell." –Jay Leno

"Anyone see that Hurricane Sandy concert? Kanye West performed while wearing a leather skirt. So now they're having a benefit concert for people who had to see that." –Conan O'Brien

"New Jersey Governor Chris Christie says he hired a personal trainer. The trainer makes him do two laps around the Cinnabon before going in." –Conan O'Brien

"HBO is planning a new movie similar to 'Game Change,' but based on the 2012 election. The network said they're not sure who will play Mitt Romney — then Mitt Romney said, 'Hey, I'm not doing anything.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday, the Senate floor was reserved for farewell speeches from retiring senators. Each senator received a fitting gift: a gold watch that stopped working years ago." –Jimmy Fallon