February 22, 2013

"The Italian press is reporting that the next Pope could be the cardinal from Boston. If he gets the job, he'll be the first Pope to make you kiss his 2007 World Series ring." –Conan O'Brien

"Here's one of the odd things about being Pope. You're the Pope and you're in your office and sitting at your desk, and on your desk is a photo of your boss's son." –David Letterman

"There's nothing wrong with eating horse burgers. Fast food should be made of fast animals. Oh man, I could really go for a double-cheetah melt." -- Stephen Colbert

David Letterman's "Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear From A Guy Dressed As Abraham Lincoln"

 "Happy Presidents Day. Today we celebrate an American tradition — immigrants working on your day off." –Craig Ferguson

"You can tell how important a president was based on his monument. Lincoln was important because his monument shows him sitting in a chair looking serious. And George Washington got an even better one — a monument shaped like a giant middle finger pointed at England." ––Craig Ferguson

"People sometimes forget that George Washington was very rich, had a pony tail, and grew hemp on his farm. He was America's original Willie Nelson." –Craig Ferguson

"The White House's immigration plan was leaked over the weekend, and Florida Senator Marco Rubio is already calling it 'dead on arrival.' That incidentally is also Florida's state motto." –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday President Obama played golf in Florida with Tiger Woods. Well, you thought Michelle got mad when Barack ate a cheeseburger. She told him, 'No hanging out with Tiger afterwards. You come right home.'" –Jay Leno

"Actually Tiger and the President both have something in common. Both got in trouble because of their stimulus package." –Jay Leno

"A top geneticist at Stanford says human intelligence is declining. You know what that means? We are seeing Congress at its smartest and most effective right now." –Jay Leno

"We're learning more about the Pope's condition. The Vatican announced that Pope Benedict hit his head during his March 2012 trip to Mexico. In fact, right after that, the Pope said he's sworn off spring break forever." –Jay Leno

"The big question: Who's going to replace the Pope? Where's the new Pope going to come from? I think they should check out Whole Foods. I've seen plenty of holier-than-thou people walking around that place." –Jay Leno

"Since the brutal presidential election, there's been a lot of soul searching going on at Fox News. I am confident that they eventually will find one." –Stephen Colbert

"It is now legal to carry a concealed weapon in all 50 states. So if you are in one of them, be careful." –Stephen Colbert

"Obama gave his State of the Union speech and went through a laundry list of things, most of them very centrist -- like he said he wanted universal preschool. He said he got the idea from trying to work with the Republicans in Congress the last few years." –Bill Maher

"Obama hosted a Google chat and somebody asked him why don't we get rid of the penny And he said as long as we're getting rid of stuff that's bronze and useless, how about John Boehner?" –Bill Maher

"Did you watch that speech? John Boehner sat behind him with this look on his face, like a guy enduring a long story from a restroom attendant." –Bill Maher

"Sen. Mitch McConnell came out for legalizing hemp. He said during these tough economic times, this legislation has the potential to create jobs, provide a boost to Kentucky's economy and our farmers, and it also makes SpongeBob SquarePants hilarious." –Bill Maher

"Pope Benedict is the first Pope to resign since the Middle Age. The Middle Ages -- a period of history the Catholic Church refers to as now." –Bill Maher

"February 28 is when the Pope turns in his badge and his scepter. Then we're going to have a period where there's no Pope. And the Vatican says until a new Pope is installed, pedophile priests have to make their own travel arrangements." –Bill Maher

"Can President Obama get the support of gun owners? Yes, after a four-year waiting period."–Stephen Colbert

"Former Senator Pete Domenici of New Mexico revealed that while in office he fathered a child with the daughter of another senator, who was a friend of his. He cheated on his wife with the daughter of another senator and they had a baby. When did the Senate become 'The Jerry Springer Show'?" –Jay Leno

"Domenici is defending himself by saying that he is no better or worse than the next guy. And he's right, because you know who the next guy was? John Edwards." –Jay Leno

"Former Chicago Congressman Jesse Jackson, Jr. pled guilty to misusing hundreds of thousands of dollars of campaign funds for personal use, including buying a $43,000 Rolex watch. How ironic is that? All that money on a watch, and now he's going to wind up doing time." –Jay Leno

"There's talk that the White House may fine China for its recent cyber attacks on American companies. The fine could total in the millions of dollars, which is great because we could really use that money to pay back China." –Jimmy Fallon

"In November, Colorado voted to legalize the recreational use of marijuana. Currently, only Colorado residents can purchase marijuana in the state. But they may open it up to nonresidents too. The new state slogan is 'Come for the legal marijuana, stay because you forgot to leave.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"They're looking for a new Pope. Each candidate will get a week's tryout with Kelly Ripa." –David Letterman

"It's being reported that the next Pope could be a cardinal from Boston. That means the Vatican may soon endorse birth control but only for Yankee fans." –Conan O'Brien

(There will be no updates to this blog on March 1, 2013. See you in 2 weeks)

February 15, 2013

"Supporters of Hillary Clinton have already started a 2016 super PAC on her behalf called 'Ready for Hillary.' And more cautious Democratic supporters have started another super PAC called 'Bracing for Biden.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"This is crazy. The justice department is saying that President Obama can order drone strikes on American citizens, that he can do that. In a related story, this is the last Obama joke I'm ever doing on this show." –Conan O'Brien

The Republican Party has its own line of clothing. The problem is it keeps coming apart at the seams." –David Letterman

"Several states are now looking into the possibility of taxing marijuana as a source of revenue. That is so typical of the government, isn't it? Trying to squeeze blood from a stoner." –Jay Leno

"Monopoly is getting a big makeover. They want to make the Monopoly game more modern and bring it up to date to reflect our current culture. Like, in the new version of Monopoly, the banker never goes to jail." –Jay Leno

"It was just revealed that the Federal Reserve was hacked on Sunday. It's pretty serious. In fact, they say the hackers could've made off with as much as negative $14 trillion." –Jimmy Fallon

"The Postal Service announced that it will stop delivering mail on Saturdays in an effort to save $2 billion a year. Postal workers were shocked: 'We were supposed to deliver mail on Saturdays?" –Jimmy Fallon

"Next year's Super Bowl is already in the news. It takes place in New Jersey. The NFL says it wants to prevent another blackout. This one involves keeping Chris Christie away from his microwave." –Conan O'Brien

"In the last two months Fox News has fired Sarah Palin, former governor of Alaska, and Dick Morris, well-known political pundit. Well, great. Two more jobs lost under Obama." –David Letterman

"People are still trying to figure out why the power went out Sunday at the Super Bowl. Today they found out the reason. Turns out China cut off the electricity for nonpayment of our bill." –Jay Leno

"Scientists have found the remains of England's King Richard III under a parking lot. Unfortunately, they couldn't find his ticket. So he'll be charged the day rate." –Conan O'Brien

"The power went out for 35 minutes in the Superdome. It was the most highly viewed power outage since Obama's first debate with Romney." –David Letterman

"The White House is warning North Korea that it will face significant consequences if it moves forward with a new round of nuclear tests. Not only that — it's also warning South Korea that it will face serious consequences if Psy makes another ad for pistachios." –Jimmy Fallon

"Pakistan is opening an amusement park and a zoo in the same town where the raid on Osama Bin Laden took place. The zoo is pretty cool, but I've heard you won't be able to see the seals until it's too late." –Jimmy Fallon

"Two prostitutes from the Dominican Republican say that New Jersey Senator Bob Menendez paid them for sex. And Menendez is in big trouble because as you know it is a felony to impersonate a Secret Service agent." –Jay Leno

"The Vatican said that as soon as the Pope resigns, he will no longer be infallible. The Vatican said it's the same thing that happened to Oprah." –Conan O'Brien

"The Republican response to President Obama's State of the Union address was given by Senator Marco Rubio. It's just one more example of rich white guys getting a Hispanic to do a job they don't want to do." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama made the annual State of the Union address last night. Then Florida Senator Marco Rubio rebutted for the GOP. He said you can't have a middle class without the rich. He's right. Just like you need 'Biggie' fries to have regular-sized fries." –Jimmy Kimmel

"How about the way Rubio never takes his eyes off the camera when he's reaching for the water. It's like, 'Drop the gun on the floor. Put down the gun.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"But what a night for Poland Spring water. You cannot buy that kind of product placement. At least I hope you can't buy it, but in Washington, who knows?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Before the State of the Union address last night, President Obama did an exploding fist bump with Republican Senator Mark Kirk. Which really goes to show you – it doesn't matter if they're black or white, Republican or Democrat, politicians are really awkward." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama also gave House Speaker John Boehner a thumbs-up before the start of his State of the Union address. Or as Boehner put it, 'Beats the finger I usually get!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The most impressive thing about President Obama's State of the Union speech last night was that he did the whole thing without a single drink of water." –Jay Leno

"As you know, the Pope is resigning. He said he feels there's just no room for advancement. It's a dead-end job." –Jay Leno

"Big news coming out of the Vatican. Pope Benedict resigned. And they're busy looking for replacements. The smart money is on Tim Tebow." –David Letterman

"Last night's Best in Show was a little affenpinscher. It's a German dog. The affenpinscher's name is Banana Joe. Banana Joe's being treated like royalty today in New York. This afternoon, he went to a steakhouse. Then he gets to spend the rest of the week serving as Donald Trump's toupee." –Craig Ferguson

"President Obama gave his State of the Union address tonight. The rebuttal will be given by Marco Rubio. Or as he's known in the Republican Party, 'our black guy.'" –Conan O'Brien

"With the Pope retiring, more than 100 cardinals will sequester themselves in the Sistine Chapel to choose the next Pope. They'll send out white smoke if they've chosen somebody, black smoke if they haven't chosen somebody, and a text message when they find out that it's 2013." –Jimmy Fallon

"House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi said on Fox News Sunday that it's a false argument to say that we have a spending problem. You know something? I think she may be right. I think what we actually have is a 'You don't have a clue' problem." –Jimmy Fallon

"Tomorrow is the first day of Lent, when Catholics begin fasting for 40 days. Some Catholics will give up chocolate, some Catholics will give up alcohol, and one Catholic is giving up 'being Pope.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama made his fifth State of the Union address tonight. Traditionally, following the State of the Union address, the opposition party rebuts what the president said. They don't know what the president is going to say, but they know they won't like it." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Following the State of the Union speech, Republicans gave their rebuttal. But yesterday Democrats held a press conference to deliver a pre-rebuttal to the Republicans' rebuttal. Democrats decided to preemptively rebut their rebuttal." –Jimmy Kimmel

"So Democrats gave a speech, responding to a speech no one had ever heard, which itself was in response to a speech no one had ever heard — which I think is the plot to 'Inception,' isn't it? " –Jimmy Kimmel

"Some self-portraits painted by former President George W. Bush have leaked onto the Internet. Bush said, 'If you like these, wait until you see my self-portraits of other people.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Pope Benedict says he is resigning because of physical problems. Apparently it's an old football injury from throwing all those Hail Marys." –Jay Leno

"Today, Pope Benedict surprised everyone and announced that he is stepping down at the end of the month. Or as God put it, 'Well, at least he gave me two weeks’ notice.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The Pope said he was stepping down at age 85 because he could no longer handle the job physically. To which Lance Armstrong said, 'I've got some stuff that can help you with that.'" –Jay Leno

"The Pope said that at age 85 he cannot physically go on. Meanwhile, Hugh Hefner is going to be 87 and he just married a 26-year-old. So much for that celibate lifestyle!" –Jay Leno

"Actually, when the voting's done, the cardinals burn their ballots. People wait outside the Sistine Chapel to see what color the smoke is. If it's white smoke, they've agreed on a Pope. If it's black smoke, no decision's been made. If it's green smoke, Willie Nelson has somehow gotten into the Sistine Chapel." –Craig Ferguson

February 8, 2013

"The Dow hit 14,000. It hasn't been that high since 2007, heading toward an all-time high. Just think of how big it would be if Obama wasn't such a socialist." –Bill Maher

"Fox News has their lowest ratings in 10 years. But Fox says it's not a case of them losing credibility. They say it's not because they're now widely seen as a clearing house for discredited ideas. They say it's mostly because of old people misplacing the clicker." –Bill Maher

"Immigration is the big issue they're working on in Washington. They want to create a 'path to citizenship.' You have to pass a background check, you have to pay a fine, you have to pay back taxes, you have to learn English and you have to get that statue of the Virgin Mary off your front yard. Oh, and also the cable channels between 17 and 23 – gone." –Bill Maher

"Senator Bob Menendez was caught in a little scandal. Apparently he's been going down to Puerto Rico and getting underage prostitutes. He denies it. But he says the path to citizenship passes through his pants." –Bill Maher

"The Daily Caller website found two women in Puerto Rico, who claim that he promised them $500 for their services and only paid them $100. This is my kind of Senator – socially liberal and fiscally conservative." –Bill Maher

"In an interview last week, Obama said he loves to shoot skeet up at Camp David. Republicans said if he is a skeet shooter, why have we not heard of it? Why have we not seen photos of it? Yes, because nothing would ease the Republican mind more than a photo of the black president with a gun." –Bill Maher

"Beyoncé finally admitted that she did lip sync the national anthem during the inauguration. Now Donald Trump is claiming that since she did lip sync, President Obama is not legally president." –Jay Leno

"I love this story; the state of Washington is now looking for a marijuana consultant now that marijuana is legal up there. I think this is one of those green jobs President Obama is always talking about." –Jay Leno

"The director of Jewish outreach for the White House announced that he is stepping down. He says it's time to move on, while his mother says he's still a real catch and other presidents would be lucky to have him." –Jimmy Fallon

"A bipartisan group of senators has unveiled a plan that would create a path to citizenship for illegal immigrants. Or as immigrants call that, 'a tunnel.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"There's a petition going around asking President Obama to make the day after the Super Bowl a national holiday. That's a good idea. After a long, exhausting day of sitting on the couch watching TV, I need a day off." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Zimbabwe's finance minister revealed yesterday that his country has only $217 left in the government Treasury. Today President Obama said, 'Stop bragging!'" –Jay Leno

"The Senate has overwhelmingly approved John Kerry as the next secretary of state. In his farewell speech today to the Senate, Kerry spoke for 51 minutes. So, apparently he does believe in torture." –Jay Leno

"John Kerry is the first white male to hold that job since 1997. So finally middle-aged white guys with gray hair are breaking through the glass ceiling." –Jay Leno

"According to a new poll, 50 percent of Americans think the country is divided. The other 50 percent think it isn't." –Jay Leno

"In a big meeting of the Republican National Committee, Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal told the GOP to 'stop being the stupid party.' Then Texas Governor Rick Perry gave the rebuttal." –Jay Leno

"Last night President Obama and Hillary Clinton appeared on '60 Minutes' for their first joint interview. It was a little awkward when they both showed up wearing the same suit." –Jimmy Fallon

"Last week Iran launched a monkey into space, and it actually returned to Earth alive. It was great news for the space program and terrible news for the monkey who thought he'd finally gotten out of Iran." –Jimmy Fallon

"The U.S. Postal Service raised the price of a stamp yesterday. Stamps are something that the pilgrims used before we had the Internet." –Jimmy Kimmel

"It will now cost you 46 cents to mail a letter. Some people are complaining about the price even though it's a penny more than the old price. You're not allowed to spend $4 on a cup of coffee and complain about a cent." –Jimmy Kimmel

"A Secret Service dog died during a fundraiser where Vice President Joe Biden was giving a speech. The dog is being described as 'lucky.'" –Conan O'Brien

"The price of a stamp goes up a penny today, to 46 cents. To make sure everyone received the news promptly, the U.S. Postal Service announced it by email." –Craig Ferguson

February 1, 2013

"Already the Obama administration has been rocked by scandal. Beyonce lip-syncing; or at least we think she was lip-synching. Manti Te’o said it sounded very real to him." –Bill Maher, on Beyonce possibly lip-syncing at the Inauguration

"Lip-synching – let that be a lesson; if you are in Washington DC and you open your mouth and another voice comes out, it better be the NRA, an oil company, or a bank." –Bill Maher

"The Pentagon lifted the ban this week on women being able to serve. Yes, women can now serve in front line combat positions, proving that women will follow gay men anywhere." –Bill Maher

"Gov. Bobby Jindal of Louisiana said 'we must stopped being the stupid party.' Good luck with that. When Sarah Palin heard that, she demanded an apology. She said, 'How dare he insult hard-working, patriotic, idiotic Americans like me.'" –Bill Maher

"New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is getting big-time financial support for his re-election campaign, a fundraiser hosted by Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg. That means the creator of the world's largest social network is raising money for the world's largest governor." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Did you know when you poke Chris Christie on Facebook, your computer giggles like the Pillsbury Doughboy?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Women can now serve on the front lines in combat. I believe up until now, the only woman who had ever seen action under a general was of course Paula Broadwell." –Jay Leno

"Yesterday House Speaker John Boehner said that President Obama's focus is to annihilate the Republican Party. Do the Republicans look like they need help from President Obama?" –Jay Leno

"The Pentagon has allowed women to serve in combat. Yeah, the hope is that we can now finally defeat the Taliban by giving them the silent treatment." –Conan O'Brien

"North Korea said it will test a rocket that they hope will hit the United States. In other words, watch your back, middle of the Pacific Ocean." –Conan O'Brien