February 15, 2013

"Supporters of Hillary Clinton have already started a 2016 super PAC on her behalf called 'Ready for Hillary.' And more cautious Democratic supporters have started another super PAC called 'Bracing for Biden.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"This is crazy. The justice department is saying that President Obama can order drone strikes on American citizens, that he can do that. In a related story, this is the last Obama joke I'm ever doing on this show." –Conan O'Brien

The Republican Party has its own line of clothing. The problem is it keeps coming apart at the seams." –David Letterman

"Several states are now looking into the possibility of taxing marijuana as a source of revenue. That is so typical of the government, isn't it? Trying to squeeze blood from a stoner." –Jay Leno

"Monopoly is getting a big makeover. They want to make the Monopoly game more modern and bring it up to date to reflect our current culture. Like, in the new version of Monopoly, the banker never goes to jail." –Jay Leno

"It was just revealed that the Federal Reserve was hacked on Sunday. It's pretty serious. In fact, they say the hackers could've made off with as much as negative $14 trillion." –Jimmy Fallon

"The Postal Service announced that it will stop delivering mail on Saturdays in an effort to save $2 billion a year. Postal workers were shocked: 'We were supposed to deliver mail on Saturdays?" –Jimmy Fallon

"Next year's Super Bowl is already in the news. It takes place in New Jersey. The NFL says it wants to prevent another blackout. This one involves keeping Chris Christie away from his microwave." –Conan O'Brien

"In the last two months Fox News has fired Sarah Palin, former governor of Alaska, and Dick Morris, well-known political pundit. Well, great. Two more jobs lost under Obama." –David Letterman

"People are still trying to figure out why the power went out Sunday at the Super Bowl. Today they found out the reason. Turns out China cut off the electricity for nonpayment of our bill." –Jay Leno

"Scientists have found the remains of England's King Richard III under a parking lot. Unfortunately, they couldn't find his ticket. So he'll be charged the day rate." –Conan O'Brien

"The power went out for 35 minutes in the Superdome. It was the most highly viewed power outage since Obama's first debate with Romney." –David Letterman

"The White House is warning North Korea that it will face significant consequences if it moves forward with a new round of nuclear tests. Not only that — it's also warning South Korea that it will face serious consequences if Psy makes another ad for pistachios." –Jimmy Fallon

"Pakistan is opening an amusement park and a zoo in the same town where the raid on Osama Bin Laden took place. The zoo is pretty cool, but I've heard you won't be able to see the seals until it's too late." –Jimmy Fallon

"Two prostitutes from the Dominican Republican say that New Jersey Senator Bob Menendez paid them for sex. And Menendez is in big trouble because as you know it is a felony to impersonate a Secret Service agent." –Jay Leno

"The Vatican said that as soon as the Pope resigns, he will no longer be infallible. The Vatican said it's the same thing that happened to Oprah." –Conan O'Brien

"The Republican response to President Obama's State of the Union address was given by Senator Marco Rubio. It's just one more example of rich white guys getting a Hispanic to do a job they don't want to do." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama made the annual State of the Union address last night. Then Florida Senator Marco Rubio rebutted for the GOP. He said you can't have a middle class without the rich. He's right. Just like you need 'Biggie' fries to have regular-sized fries." –Jimmy Kimmel

"How about the way Rubio never takes his eyes off the camera when he's reaching for the water. It's like, 'Drop the gun on the floor. Put down the gun.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"But what a night for Poland Spring water. You cannot buy that kind of product placement. At least I hope you can't buy it, but in Washington, who knows?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Before the State of the Union address last night, President Obama did an exploding fist bump with Republican Senator Mark Kirk. Which really goes to show you – it doesn't matter if they're black or white, Republican or Democrat, politicians are really awkward." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama also gave House Speaker John Boehner a thumbs-up before the start of his State of the Union address. Or as Boehner put it, 'Beats the finger I usually get!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The most impressive thing about President Obama's State of the Union speech last night was that he did the whole thing without a single drink of water." –Jay Leno

"As you know, the Pope is resigning. He said he feels there's just no room for advancement. It's a dead-end job." –Jay Leno

"Big news coming out of the Vatican. Pope Benedict resigned. And they're busy looking for replacements. The smart money is on Tim Tebow." –David Letterman

"Last night's Best in Show was a little affenpinscher. It's a German dog. The affenpinscher's name is Banana Joe. Banana Joe's being treated like royalty today in New York. This afternoon, he went to a steakhouse. Then he gets to spend the rest of the week serving as Donald Trump's toupee." –Craig Ferguson

"President Obama gave his State of the Union address tonight. The rebuttal will be given by Marco Rubio. Or as he's known in the Republican Party, 'our black guy.'" –Conan O'Brien

"With the Pope retiring, more than 100 cardinals will sequester themselves in the Sistine Chapel to choose the next Pope. They'll send out white smoke if they've chosen somebody, black smoke if they haven't chosen somebody, and a text message when they find out that it's 2013." –Jimmy Fallon

"House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi said on Fox News Sunday that it's a false argument to say that we have a spending problem. You know something? I think she may be right. I think what we actually have is a 'You don't have a clue' problem." –Jimmy Fallon

"Tomorrow is the first day of Lent, when Catholics begin fasting for 40 days. Some Catholics will give up chocolate, some Catholics will give up alcohol, and one Catholic is giving up 'being Pope.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama made his fifth State of the Union address tonight. Traditionally, following the State of the Union address, the opposition party rebuts what the president said. They don't know what the president is going to say, but they know they won't like it." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Following the State of the Union speech, Republicans gave their rebuttal. But yesterday Democrats held a press conference to deliver a pre-rebuttal to the Republicans' rebuttal. Democrats decided to preemptively rebut their rebuttal." –Jimmy Kimmel

"So Democrats gave a speech, responding to a speech no one had ever heard, which itself was in response to a speech no one had ever heard — which I think is the plot to 'Inception,' isn't it? " –Jimmy Kimmel

"Some self-portraits painted by former President George W. Bush have leaked onto the Internet. Bush said, 'If you like these, wait until you see my self-portraits of other people.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Pope Benedict says he is resigning because of physical problems. Apparently it's an old football injury from throwing all those Hail Marys." –Jay Leno

"Today, Pope Benedict surprised everyone and announced that he is stepping down at the end of the month. Or as God put it, 'Well, at least he gave me two weeks’ notice.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The Pope said he was stepping down at age 85 because he could no longer handle the job physically. To which Lance Armstrong said, 'I've got some stuff that can help you with that.'" –Jay Leno

"The Pope said that at age 85 he cannot physically go on. Meanwhile, Hugh Hefner is going to be 87 and he just married a 26-year-old. So much for that celibate lifestyle!" –Jay Leno

"Actually, when the voting's done, the cardinals burn their ballots. People wait outside the Sistine Chapel to see what color the smoke is. If it's white smoke, they've agreed on a Pope. If it's black smoke, no decision's been made. If it's green smoke, Willie Nelson has somehow gotten into the Sistine Chapel." –Craig Ferguson