February 22, 2013

"The Italian press is reporting that the next Pope could be the cardinal from Boston. If he gets the job, he'll be the first Pope to make you kiss his 2007 World Series ring." –Conan O'Brien

"Here's one of the odd things about being Pope. You're the Pope and you're in your office and sitting at your desk, and on your desk is a photo of your boss's son." –David Letterman

"There's nothing wrong with eating horse burgers. Fast food should be made of fast animals. Oh man, I could really go for a double-cheetah melt." -- Stephen Colbert

David Letterman's "Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear From A Guy Dressed As Abraham Lincoln"

 "Happy Presidents Day. Today we celebrate an American tradition — immigrants working on your day off." –Craig Ferguson

"You can tell how important a president was based on his monument. Lincoln was important because his monument shows him sitting in a chair looking serious. And George Washington got an even better one — a monument shaped like a giant middle finger pointed at England." ––Craig Ferguson

"People sometimes forget that George Washington was very rich, had a pony tail, and grew hemp on his farm. He was America's original Willie Nelson." –Craig Ferguson

"The White House's immigration plan was leaked over the weekend, and Florida Senator Marco Rubio is already calling it 'dead on arrival.' That incidentally is also Florida's state motto." –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday President Obama played golf in Florida with Tiger Woods. Well, you thought Michelle got mad when Barack ate a cheeseburger. She told him, 'No hanging out with Tiger afterwards. You come right home.'" –Jay Leno

"Actually Tiger and the President both have something in common. Both got in trouble because of their stimulus package." –Jay Leno

"A top geneticist at Stanford says human intelligence is declining. You know what that means? We are seeing Congress at its smartest and most effective right now." –Jay Leno

"We're learning more about the Pope's condition. The Vatican announced that Pope Benedict hit his head during his March 2012 trip to Mexico. In fact, right after that, the Pope said he's sworn off spring break forever." –Jay Leno

"The big question: Who's going to replace the Pope? Where's the new Pope going to come from? I think they should check out Whole Foods. I've seen plenty of holier-than-thou people walking around that place." –Jay Leno

"Since the brutal presidential election, there's been a lot of soul searching going on at Fox News. I am confident that they eventually will find one." –Stephen Colbert

"It is now legal to carry a concealed weapon in all 50 states. So if you are in one of them, be careful." –Stephen Colbert

"Obama gave his State of the Union speech and went through a laundry list of things, most of them very centrist -- like he said he wanted universal preschool. He said he got the idea from trying to work with the Republicans in Congress the last few years." –Bill Maher

"Obama hosted a Google chat and somebody asked him why don't we get rid of the penny And he said as long as we're getting rid of stuff that's bronze and useless, how about John Boehner?" –Bill Maher

"Did you watch that speech? John Boehner sat behind him with this look on his face, like a guy enduring a long story from a restroom attendant." –Bill Maher

"Sen. Mitch McConnell came out for legalizing hemp. He said during these tough economic times, this legislation has the potential to create jobs, provide a boost to Kentucky's economy and our farmers, and it also makes SpongeBob SquarePants hilarious." –Bill Maher

"Pope Benedict is the first Pope to resign since the Middle Age. The Middle Ages -- a period of history the Catholic Church refers to as now." –Bill Maher

"February 28 is when the Pope turns in his badge and his scepter. Then we're going to have a period where there's no Pope. And the Vatican says until a new Pope is installed, pedophile priests have to make their own travel arrangements." –Bill Maher

"Can President Obama get the support of gun owners? Yes, after a four-year waiting period."–Stephen Colbert

"Former Senator Pete Domenici of New Mexico revealed that while in office he fathered a child with the daughter of another senator, who was a friend of his. He cheated on his wife with the daughter of another senator and they had a baby. When did the Senate become 'The Jerry Springer Show'?" –Jay Leno

"Domenici is defending himself by saying that he is no better or worse than the next guy. And he's right, because you know who the next guy was? John Edwards." –Jay Leno

"Former Chicago Congressman Jesse Jackson, Jr. pled guilty to misusing hundreds of thousands of dollars of campaign funds for personal use, including buying a $43,000 Rolex watch. How ironic is that? All that money on a watch, and now he's going to wind up doing time." –Jay Leno

"There's talk that the White House may fine China for its recent cyber attacks on American companies. The fine could total in the millions of dollars, which is great because we could really use that money to pay back China." –Jimmy Fallon

"In November, Colorado voted to legalize the recreational use of marijuana. Currently, only Colorado residents can purchase marijuana in the state. But they may open it up to nonresidents too. The new state slogan is 'Come for the legal marijuana, stay because you forgot to leave.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"They're looking for a new Pope. Each candidate will get a week's tryout with Kelly Ripa." –David Letterman

"It's being reported that the next Pope could be a cardinal from Boston. That means the Vatican may soon endorse birth control but only for Yankee fans." –Conan O'Brien

(There will be no updates to this blog on March 1, 2013. See you in 2 weeks)