February 8, 2013

"The Dow hit 14,000. It hasn't been that high since 2007, heading toward an all-time high. Just think of how big it would be if Obama wasn't such a socialist." –Bill Maher

"Fox News has their lowest ratings in 10 years. But Fox says it's not a case of them losing credibility. They say it's not because they're now widely seen as a clearing house for discredited ideas. They say it's mostly because of old people misplacing the clicker." –Bill Maher

"Immigration is the big issue they're working on in Washington. They want to create a 'path to citizenship.' You have to pass a background check, you have to pay a fine, you have to pay back taxes, you have to learn English and you have to get that statue of the Virgin Mary off your front yard. Oh, and also the cable channels between 17 and 23 – gone." –Bill Maher

"Senator Bob Menendez was caught in a little scandal. Apparently he's been going down to Puerto Rico and getting underage prostitutes. He denies it. But he says the path to citizenship passes through his pants." –Bill Maher

"The Daily Caller website found two women in Puerto Rico, who claim that he promised them $500 for their services and only paid them $100. This is my kind of Senator – socially liberal and fiscally conservative." –Bill Maher

"In an interview last week, Obama said he loves to shoot skeet up at Camp David. Republicans said if he is a skeet shooter, why have we not heard of it? Why have we not seen photos of it? Yes, because nothing would ease the Republican mind more than a photo of the black president with a gun." –Bill Maher

"Beyoncé finally admitted that she did lip sync the national anthem during the inauguration. Now Donald Trump is claiming that since she did lip sync, President Obama is not legally president." –Jay Leno

"I love this story; the state of Washington is now looking for a marijuana consultant now that marijuana is legal up there. I think this is one of those green jobs President Obama is always talking about." –Jay Leno

"The director of Jewish outreach for the White House announced that he is stepping down. He says it's time to move on, while his mother says he's still a real catch and other presidents would be lucky to have him." –Jimmy Fallon

"A bipartisan group of senators has unveiled a plan that would create a path to citizenship for illegal immigrants. Or as immigrants call that, 'a tunnel.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"There's a petition going around asking President Obama to make the day after the Super Bowl a national holiday. That's a good idea. After a long, exhausting day of sitting on the couch watching TV, I need a day off." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Zimbabwe's finance minister revealed yesterday that his country has only $217 left in the government Treasury. Today President Obama said, 'Stop bragging!'" –Jay Leno

"The Senate has overwhelmingly approved John Kerry as the next secretary of state. In his farewell speech today to the Senate, Kerry spoke for 51 minutes. So, apparently he does believe in torture." –Jay Leno

"John Kerry is the first white male to hold that job since 1997. So finally middle-aged white guys with gray hair are breaking through the glass ceiling." –Jay Leno

"According to a new poll, 50 percent of Americans think the country is divided. The other 50 percent think it isn't." –Jay Leno

"In a big meeting of the Republican National Committee, Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal told the GOP to 'stop being the stupid party.' Then Texas Governor Rick Perry gave the rebuttal." –Jay Leno

"Last night President Obama and Hillary Clinton appeared on '60 Minutes' for their first joint interview. It was a little awkward when they both showed up wearing the same suit." –Jimmy Fallon

"Last week Iran launched a monkey into space, and it actually returned to Earth alive. It was great news for the space program and terrible news for the monkey who thought he'd finally gotten out of Iran." –Jimmy Fallon

"The U.S. Postal Service raised the price of a stamp yesterday. Stamps are something that the pilgrims used before we had the Internet." –Jimmy Kimmel

"It will now cost you 46 cents to mail a letter. Some people are complaining about the price even though it's a penny more than the old price. You're not allowed to spend $4 on a cup of coffee and complain about a cent." –Jimmy Kimmel

"A Secret Service dog died during a fundraiser where Vice President Joe Biden was giving a speech. The dog is being described as 'lucky.'" –Conan O'Brien

"The price of a stamp goes up a penny today, to 46 cents. To make sure everyone received the news promptly, the U.S. Postal Service announced it by email." –Craig Ferguson