March 29, 2013

"A new poll shows that 64 percent of New Jersey residents don't care about New Jersey Governor Chris Christie's weight. That's mostly because Chris Christie IS 64 percent of New Jersey." –Conan O'Brien

"Congresswoman Michele Bachmann is under investigation for alleged misuse of campaign funds. She's blaming the accusations on her arch nemesis: the facts." –Jay Leno

"Yesterday former CIA director David Petraeus apologized for having an affair with his biographer. He said he hopes this begins a new chapter in his life. It got awkward when he said, 'Any of you ladies want to write it?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A new survey found that the average American stays at his job for about four-and-a-half years. That is unless they're a late-night host on NBC." –Jimmy Fallon

"A recent poll found that 58% of Americans now think it should be legal for gays and lesbians to get married. And the other 42% object only because they don't want to go to another goddamn wedding." –Stephen Colbert

"Happy birthday to retired Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Connor. She's 83 years old today. And listen to this: In a 5-4 decision, the Supreme Court wished her a happy birthday." –Conan O'Brien

"Last night President Obama celebrated Passover by hosting a seder at the White House. There was an awkward moment when Sasha asked, 'Hey, I thought we were Muslim." –Conan O'Brien

"The Supreme Court heard arguments on the constitutionality of same-sex marriage. It could be a major blow for those who believe that marriage should be between two bitterly and eventually overweight people of the opposite sex." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Personally, I rarely make good decisions when I'm wearing a robe." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The arguments against same-sex marriage were given by lawyers for conservative activist groups and the arguments for it will be delivered tomorrow in song." –Jimmy Kimmel

"It was proposed this week that members of Congress use video conferencing and other remote technology to work from their home states instead of Washington. They figure they can get just as much 'not done' at home as they get 'not done' in Washington." –Jay Leno

"I think I finally figured out where Sarah Palin came from. Someone cast a spell on a YouTube comment and it came to life." –Jon Stewart

"The average American works six months a year for the government. Think about that. Government employees don't even work six months a year for the government." –David Letterman

"John Kerry visited Iraq and also Afghanistan. Meanwhile, Israeli President Benjamin Netanyahu is meeting with Dennis Rodman." –David Letterman

"The former Pope got together today with the new Pope for a Pope reunion special. They referred to each other as New Pope and Pope Classic." –Craig Ferguson

"There's a growing trend of older Americans who are using marijuana in their retirement. That makes sense because old people are always talking about their joints." –Jimmy Fallon

"Over the weekend the current Pope and the former Pope had lunch together. The waiter who served them said they spent the whole time bitching about their boss." –Conan O'Brien

"According to a new survey, the average member of Congress can speak only at a 10th-grade level. Which is worse than it sounds, because the average 10th grader can speak only at a 5th-grade level." –Jay Leno

"There's a big controversy with the History Channel's mini-series The Bible. Well, it seems the actor playing Satan bears an uncanny resemblance to President Obama. You know, this isn't the first time the president's been portrayed as the devil. FOX News does it every single day. This is not new." –Jay Leno

"The Republican National Committee announced that it will spend $10 million to reach out to Hispanic, Asian, and African-American voters – you know, to ask them not to vote." –Jimmy Fallon

March 22, 2013

"President Obama filled out his NCAA tournament bracket. He picked Florida, Indiana, Louisville, and Ohio State to go to the Final Four. Crazy that it's been four months since the election, and he still needs Florida and Ohio to win." –Jimmy Fallon

"A NASA official told Congress that if a meteor was on track to strike the U.S., Americans should pray. Even Pope Francis was like, 'That's your Plan A?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The new Pope was inaugurated earlier today. Did you watch the festivities? All of the world leaders were there. Joe Biden represented the United States. Germany was represented by Angela Merkel. And Dennis Rodman was there, of course." –David Letterman

"The Pope is urging compassion for those less fortunate. Of course, that means the poor, the indigent, and the oppressed. And also Carnival Cruise passengers." –David Letterman

"Today President Obama and Joe Biden were both out of the country at the same time for an hour and 20 minutes. On the bright side, Sasha and Malia managed to talk the Republicans into a budget deal." –Jimmy Fallon

"Have you been watching 'The Bible'? They have a character who plays Satan, and he looks a little bit like President Obama. And I thought, 'If President Obama was actually Satan, Republicans might be willing to deal with him.'" –David Letterman

"The guy who plays Satan on the History Channel's 'The Bible' looks like President Obama. Even Rush Limbaugh was outraged. He was like, 'How can you do that to Satan?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"To celebrate St. Patrick's Day, Carnival Cruise had all their toilets overflowing with green water." –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney spoke at CPAC for the first time since the election. He has not lost any of the warmth and charm that we have come to know. He still sounds like the flight attendant that doesn’t let you use the bathroom in first class." –Bill Maher

"They had a panel discussion at CPAC called 'Are You Sick and Tired of Being Called a Racist When You Know You're Not One?' Let me save you guys a lot of money. If you get called a racist often enough to be sick and tired of it, you might be a redneck." –Bill Maher

"U.S. officials have revealed that America is ready to launch cyber attacks of its own. We have a program that can totally crash someone's computer. It's called 'Microsoft Windows.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"New Jersey officials say that one of their state's landfills smells so bad, they had to use an industrial-strength deodorant on it. They said it works. Today, they're going to try it on even bigger dumps, like a Carnival Cruise ship." –Jay Leno

"Yet another Carnival Cruise ship has broken down with no power, no water, and overflowing toilets. The only good thing about taking a Carnival Cruise is even Somali pirates won't try to board them now." –Jay Leno

"Are you folks excited about St. Patrick's Day? It's the day I tell Irish jokes written by Jewish writers." –David Letterman

"Julius Caesar was assassinated on the Ides of March. He was stabbed in the back by someone he thought was his friend. It was like he worked in show business." –Craig Ferguson

"Julius Caesar was romantically involved with Cleopatra for 14 years. But he never asked her to marry him. Cleopatra felt betrayed and spent years whining about it in public. That's why she was known as the 'Egyptian Taylor Swift.'" –Craig Ferguson

"The new Pope had part of a lung removed when he was a teenager. I knew those Catholic school nuns were really mean, but I had no idea." –Jay Leno

"Pope Francis was the runner-up to Pope Benedict in the last election. And this time he got elected. You know what that means? There's still hope for Mitt Romney." –Jay Leno

"Pope Francis was a beloved cardinal in Argentina. He gave up all his worldly possessions. He gave up his house to live in a tiny apartment. He gave up his car to ride the bus. You know what that means? Right now every divorced guy is saying, 'I could have been Pope.'" –Jay Leno

"A bakery in New York is already selling cookies with a picture of the new Pope on them. Which is perfect for anyone who was hoping to feel even more guilty after eating a bunch of cookies." –Jimmy Fallon

"The new Pope gave his first speech in Latin. Everybody's after the Latin vote." –David Letterman

March 15, 2013

"A major snowstorm has hit the East Coast. In Washington, D.C., everything ground to a halt – and then the snowstorm hit." –Conan O'Brien

"Due to budget cuts, all tours of the White House have been canceled indefinitely. When he heard, Joe Biden said, 'Now I'll never see it.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Today Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell released a Harlem Shake video. So just when you think a trend is dead, it's made cool again by Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell." –Conan O'Brien

"I must have missed the moment when racism ended. I wonder when it was? The time Ross dated Aisha Tyler on 'Friends?' Or when Keebler added a black elf? Oh, I know. It must have been when they made slavery illegal in Mississippi all the way back in ... four weeks ago." –Stephen Colbert

"A huge snowstorm is set to hit Washington, D.C., and it's being called the Snowquester. Democrats say it could be 10 inches, Republicans want it cut down to 2." –Conan O'Brien

"A lot of people are worried about the effects of the budget cuts. The automatic budget cuts could lead to a huge drop in food inspections. So be careful if you eat at the Olive Garden; your meal may contain trace amounts of Italian food." –Conan O'Brien

"Cardinals from all over the world are gathering in Rome to select the next Pope. You can watch the whole process on 'Vatican's Got Talent.'" –Conan O'Brien

"It's been almost a decade since we've had a new mayor. It's starting to seem like the mayor of Los Angeles was one of those jobs for life. Like Supreme Court judge, or host of 'The Tonight Show.'" –Craig Ferguson

"If you need more proof that the president is no friend of Israel, just do the math. Back in 2007, President Bush supported Israel with $2.3 billion in foreign military aid. This year, President Obama wants to bring that down to just $3.1 billion. I know it looks like it's going up, but remember: in Hebrew you read charts from right to left." –Stephen Colbert

"Jon Stewart has announced he will be taking the summer off from 'The Daily Show.' We wish him all the best in his new project: ruling the country of Venezuela." – Stephen Colbert

“We have a new Pope. The Vatican has chosen the first ever Argentinean Pope. So once again, a bunch of old white guys got a Hispanic to do a job they didn't want to do." –Conan O’Brien

“The new Pope has chosen the name Pope Francis. A little advice for the Vatican: If you really want to make a strong stand against homosexuality, don't go with a girl's name.” –Conan O’Brien

“We have a new Pope! He is Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio. He is from Argentina. Tens of millions of Hispanics celebrated. And that was just here in L.A.” –Jay Leno

“We’re learning more about the dead Venezuelan dictator Hugo Chavez. It seems he amassed about $2 billion in personal fortune while president — and he was a socialist. Imagine how rich he could have been if he didn’t believe in redistribution of wealth.” –Jay Leno

“What do we know about Pope Francis? Well, he's 76 years old. He's a former archbishop, and he likes long walks on the beach, giant hats, and the music of Coldplay.” –Craig Ferguson

“The last Pope, Pope Benedict, will now be known as Pope Classic.” –Craig Ferguson

“There are reports that Joe Biden will handle more foreign policy matters during President Obama's second term. Though you know it's bad when world leaders are like, ‘Can you just send Dennis Rodman instead?’” –Jimmy Fallon

“With the selection process going on for the new Pope, there's a lot of papal trivial. For example, did you know that no Pope has ever in the history of the church been elected without carrying Ohio?” –David Letterman

“The nation of Iran is threatening to sue the makers of the movie "Argo." They say the movie was an unrealistic portrayal of their country. You can't do that! That would be like Scotland suing over the movie ‘Shrek.’” –Craig Ferguson

“A New York City judge struck down a proposed law to ban sodas larger than 16 ounces. I think Mayor Bloomberg should spend his time trying to improve stuff like education. New York needs a better education system if kids didn't figure out they could get around the 16-ounce soda ban by simply purchasing two 12-ounce sodas.” –Craig Ferguson

 “A new poll indicates that President Obama is no better than George W. Bush at protecting civil liberties. In fact, the pollster had some follow-up questions but split when he saw a drone fly overhead.” –Jay Leno

“After tours of the White House were canceled due to budget cuts, Donald Trump offered to pay for them. All he's asking is they rename it the Trump White House and Casino.” –Conan O’Brien

“How about that Rand Paul? There was some old-fashioned Mr. Smith Goes to Washington excitement this week. He filibustered the old-school way. He stood up there for 13 hours and demanded an answer from the president about whether it’s constitutional to kill an American on American soil with a drone. And Obama shot back, ‘Don’t push me!’” –Bill Maher

“Back in 1957 Mr. Strom Thurmond stood up there for 24 hours, pausing only once to impregnate a black lady, so I’m not impressed.” –Bill Maher

“North Korea this week announced they are sick of our sh*t and thermo-nuclear war is on. Which made everyone think ‘What the f*** did Dennis Rodman say?!’” –Bill Maher

“New Rule: If you buy the new hybrid electric Ferrari – f*** you. A one-million dollar hybrid - that ought to impress the hippie chicks selling soap at the farmer's market. Finally, the car for a billionaire who wants his carbon footprint to be as small as his penis.” –Bill Maher

"President Obama took a group of Republicans to dinner last night. And at the end of the meal, the president personally picked up the tab. Afterwards, Republicans said 'Typical Democrat. Spend, spend, spend.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Last week horse meat was covered in IKEA's meat balls. This morning it was discovered in IKEA's hot dogs. This is making me think twice about taking my family to dinner at a furniture store." –Conan O'Brien

"New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg has a new crusade. He wants people to stop listening to loud music in their headphones. Wasn't that the plot of 'Footloose'?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Mayor Bloomberg must throw the worst parties ever. How long before he just starts showing up on street corners and whacking the hot dogs out of people's hands?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Mark Zuckerberg unveiled a new Facebook news feed today. It promises to revolutionize the way we see pictures of our friends' feet on vacation." –Jimmy Kimmel

March 8, 2013

"In his first interview since losing the election, Mitt Romney says it kills him to not be in the White House. He said he'll always think of it as the one house he couldn't buy." –Conan O'Brien

"The search for a Pope has begun. The cardinals are all starting to gather together in Rome right now. It's like a 'Star Trek' convention but less celibate." –Conan O'Brien

"Dennis Rodman visited North Korea. Rodman came back and said President Obama should call North Korean leader Kim Jong Un. But President Obama was busy discussing Iran's nuclear capabilities with Scottie Pippen." –Conan O'Brien

"Today Kenya is holding elections for the first time since 2007. It's getting nasty. Each presidential candidate is accusing the others of being born in Kenya." –Conan O'Brien

“Obama's sci-fi flub should be the GOP's gain. After all, Republicans and nerds have so much in common. They both live in fantasy worlds, and have no idea how to relate to women. And, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell bears a striking resemblance to Admiral Ackbar.” –Stephen Colbert on Obama's "Jedi mind-meld" gaffe

"The show has Dennis Rodman, our new ambassador to North Korea. Dennis is back home safely after visiting the North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un. And apparently they hit it off. Rodman called him a friend for life. But he said the same thing when he married Carmen Electra." –Jimmy Kimmel

"I don't have a lot of hope for the new Pope. The Cardinals are kind of like Republicans. They always say they want a fresh, new face and they end up picking a creepy old weirdo." –Bill Maher

"The big scandal is that CPAC did not invite the one most popular Republican in the country, Chris Christie, because apparently they're mad at him because during Hurricane Sandy, he hugged Obama. In their world, you're only allowed to touch a black person if he handed you a 7-wood and shot a hole in one." –Bill Maher

"They didn't invite Chris Christie, but they did invite Rick Perry and Sarah Palin – to answer the question, 'What is the opposite of a meeting of the minds?'" –Bill Maher

"Sarah Palin is getting ready for the big CPAC thing by writing words on her hand like "Obama bad. No like." And Rick Perry is getting ready by writing 'Rick Perry." –Bill Maher

"This is like not having the will power to diet, so instead rigging your refrigerator to blow up if you open the door." –Bill Maher on the sequester

"The cuts have already begun. Just yesterday, the Pope got laid off." –Jay Leno

March 4, 2013

"These automatic budget cuts are serious. It could negatively affect water and sewage services. In other words, all of America is about to embark on a Carnival cruise." –Conan O'Brien

"Pope Benedict is officially retired. Apparently there was some last-minute tension at the Vatican because they wouldn't give the Pope his security deposit back. " –Craig Ferguson

"Pope Benedict has become the first Pope to retire in 600 years. You have to wonder what a Pope does in retirement. I heard a rumor he already cashed in his 401(k)." –Jimmy Kimmel

"My favorite part about today was when the Pope left the Vatican, he left in a helicopter – just like 'The Bachelor.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Yesterday the Senate confirmed Jack Lew to be President Obama's new Treasury Secretary. Unfortunately, if the sequester happens he'll have to be let go due to budget cuts." –Jimmy Fallon

"As you know, the Pope stepped down today. There's a lot of cardinals running for this Pope position. Some of the slogans are pretty catchy. My favorite: 'Yes, We Vati-can.'" –Jay Leno

"Even though many have wanted to see Gitmo closed, including President Obama, despite all logic, it remains open for business. It's the Radio Shack of the War on Terror." –Stephen Colbert

"The War on Terror just turned 12-years-old, which explains why it's into remote controlled planes." –Stephen Colbert

"Americans are bracing for this thing called the sequester – when $85 billion will be cut from almost every part of the budget. So teachers, meat inspectors, and TSA workers will all be affected. So if you're someone who teaches people how to keep bad meat off airplanes, you're really screwed." –Jimmy Fallon

"This horse meat scandal just keeps growing. And it isn't happening only in Europe. According to a new report, donkey meat has been found in hamburgers in South Africa. Consumers said when they were eating the burgers, they sensed something was wrong but they couldn't quite pin a tail on it." –Jay Leno

"In fact, in South Africa more than two-thirds of the meat products tested contained undeclared ingredients. Or as we call that in this country, a hot dog." –Jay Leno

"Italy just had its elections. There's no winner. There's no government in Italy. People over there have been running wild through the streets, waving their hands in the air. And then they heard about the elections." –Craig Ferguson

"A lot of Americans can't believe how crazy the politics are in Italy. A comedian might become prime minister. We would never do that in America. A pro wrestler? Sure. Stuart Smalley from 'Saturday Night Live'? Yeah." –Craig Ferguson

David Letterman's "Top Ten Countries According to Secretary of State John Kerry"

"In a White House briefing, Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano warned that sequestration would affect border security. Her remarks raised eyebrows in Washington and got big laughs in Mexico." –Jay Leno

"Doesn't sequestration sound like some kind of side effect from a bad medicine?" –Jay Leno

"More problems for Sen. Bob Menendez of New Jersey. Remember he got in trouble for cavorting with prostitutes in the Dominican Republic? Now a professional East Coast escort has come forward and she says she had a sexual arrangement with him and other politicians as well. See, in Washington that arrangement is known as 'quid pro ho.'" –Jay Leno

"The White House officially released portraits of the White House gang. You can all see the portrait of Hillary Clinton. It will be on next month's cover of the 'Sports Illustrated' pants suit issue." –David Letterman

"Earlier tonight ABC announced their new "Dancing With the Stars" lineup. I was confused. I thought the sequester eliminated that." –David Letterman

 "Somebody noticed that none of the Oscar winners thanked God. To add insult to injury, at his last sermon, the same day, the Pope thanked Harvey Weinstein and Meryl Streep." –Conan O'Brien

"Demographic shifts are making it harder for the GOP to win nationally. Apparently in 2012, minority voters just didn't connect with the Republican message of 'Stop, thief!'" –Stephen Colbert

"Last night a toilet flooded the lobby where the Oscars show was being held. The show won an Oscar for best portrayal of a Carnival cruise." –Conan O'Brien

"The entire cast of 'Les Miserables' performed a song from the movie, featuring Russell Crowe. Or as the cast of 'Zero Dark Thirty' put it, 'Now this is torture.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"South Korea's first female president was sworn in. Meanwhile, North Korea said, 'We're just going to stick with men named Kim.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Michelle Obama is actually here tonight to talk about her fitness initiative 'Let’s Move.' Meanwhile, Chris Christie will be on next week to talk about his initiative 'Let's Sit." –Jimmy Fallon

"A huge snowstorm has now hit 18 states. In fact, it is so cold that former Chicago Congressman Jesse Jackson Jr. had his hands in his own pockets." –Jay Leno

"Fox News host Bill O'Reilly is writing a new book about the killing of Jesus. It will be the first time Jesus' death is blamed on Obamacare." –Conan O'Brien

"Someone hacked into Donald Trump's Twitter account. It's filled with offensive nonsense and stupid jokes. Then it got hacked." –Craig Ferguson

"It was just announced that President Obama will speak at Ohio State's graduation in May. The president has a lot in common with those students. He's currently in his fifth year and swamped with debt." –Jimmy Fallon

"Today 15 Republican Senators demanded the withdrawal of Hagel's nomination and it's no wonder. Senate Republicans have found all sorts of shady associations in Hagel's past. For instance, he was once a Senate Republican." –Stephen Colbert

"The fact that these organizations don't exist only makes it more suspicious that Chuck Hagel has been tied to them ... President Obama, withdraw Hagel's nomination, or you will lose the support of moderate Republicans -- another group that doesn't exist." –Stephen Colbert