March 15, 2013

"A major snowstorm has hit the East Coast. In Washington, D.C., everything ground to a halt – and then the snowstorm hit." –Conan O'Brien

"Due to budget cuts, all tours of the White House have been canceled indefinitely. When he heard, Joe Biden said, 'Now I'll never see it.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Today Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell released a Harlem Shake video. So just when you think a trend is dead, it's made cool again by Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell." –Conan O'Brien

"I must have missed the moment when racism ended. I wonder when it was? The time Ross dated Aisha Tyler on 'Friends?' Or when Keebler added a black elf? Oh, I know. It must have been when they made slavery illegal in Mississippi all the way back in ... four weeks ago." –Stephen Colbert

"A huge snowstorm is set to hit Washington, D.C., and it's being called the Snowquester. Democrats say it could be 10 inches, Republicans want it cut down to 2." –Conan O'Brien

"A lot of people are worried about the effects of the budget cuts. The automatic budget cuts could lead to a huge drop in food inspections. So be careful if you eat at the Olive Garden; your meal may contain trace amounts of Italian food." –Conan O'Brien

"Cardinals from all over the world are gathering in Rome to select the next Pope. You can watch the whole process on 'Vatican's Got Talent.'" –Conan O'Brien

"It's been almost a decade since we've had a new mayor. It's starting to seem like the mayor of Los Angeles was one of those jobs for life. Like Supreme Court judge, or host of 'The Tonight Show.'" –Craig Ferguson

"If you need more proof that the president is no friend of Israel, just do the math. Back in 2007, President Bush supported Israel with $2.3 billion in foreign military aid. This year, President Obama wants to bring that down to just $3.1 billion. I know it looks like it's going up, but remember: in Hebrew you read charts from right to left." –Stephen Colbert

"Jon Stewart has announced he will be taking the summer off from 'The Daily Show.' We wish him all the best in his new project: ruling the country of Venezuela." – Stephen Colbert

“We have a new Pope. The Vatican has chosen the first ever Argentinean Pope. So once again, a bunch of old white guys got a Hispanic to do a job they didn't want to do." –Conan O’Brien

“The new Pope has chosen the name Pope Francis. A little advice for the Vatican: If you really want to make a strong stand against homosexuality, don't go with a girl's name.” –Conan O’Brien

“We have a new Pope! He is Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio. He is from Argentina. Tens of millions of Hispanics celebrated. And that was just here in L.A.” –Jay Leno

“We’re learning more about the dead Venezuelan dictator Hugo Chavez. It seems he amassed about $2 billion in personal fortune while president — and he was a socialist. Imagine how rich he could have been if he didn’t believe in redistribution of wealth.” –Jay Leno

“What do we know about Pope Francis? Well, he's 76 years old. He's a former archbishop, and he likes long walks on the beach, giant hats, and the music of Coldplay.” –Craig Ferguson

“The last Pope, Pope Benedict, will now be known as Pope Classic.” –Craig Ferguson

“There are reports that Joe Biden will handle more foreign policy matters during President Obama's second term. Though you know it's bad when world leaders are like, ‘Can you just send Dennis Rodman instead?’” –Jimmy Fallon

“With the selection process going on for the new Pope, there's a lot of papal trivial. For example, did you know that no Pope has ever in the history of the church been elected without carrying Ohio?” –David Letterman

“The nation of Iran is threatening to sue the makers of the movie "Argo." They say the movie was an unrealistic portrayal of their country. You can't do that! That would be like Scotland suing over the movie ‘Shrek.’” –Craig Ferguson

“A New York City judge struck down a proposed law to ban sodas larger than 16 ounces. I think Mayor Bloomberg should spend his time trying to improve stuff like education. New York needs a better education system if kids didn't figure out they could get around the 16-ounce soda ban by simply purchasing two 12-ounce sodas.” –Craig Ferguson

 “A new poll indicates that President Obama is no better than George W. Bush at protecting civil liberties. In fact, the pollster had some follow-up questions but split when he saw a drone fly overhead.” –Jay Leno

“After tours of the White House were canceled due to budget cuts, Donald Trump offered to pay for them. All he's asking is they rename it the Trump White House and Casino.” –Conan O’Brien

“How about that Rand Paul? There was some old-fashioned Mr. Smith Goes to Washington excitement this week. He filibustered the old-school way. He stood up there for 13 hours and demanded an answer from the president about whether it’s constitutional to kill an American on American soil with a drone. And Obama shot back, ‘Don’t push me!’” –Bill Maher

“Back in 1957 Mr. Strom Thurmond stood up there for 24 hours, pausing only once to impregnate a black lady, so I’m not impressed.” –Bill Maher

“North Korea this week announced they are sick of our sh*t and thermo-nuclear war is on. Which made everyone think ‘What the f*** did Dennis Rodman say?!’” –Bill Maher

“New Rule: If you buy the new hybrid electric Ferrari – f*** you. A one-million dollar hybrid - that ought to impress the hippie chicks selling soap at the farmer's market. Finally, the car for a billionaire who wants his carbon footprint to be as small as his penis.” –Bill Maher

"President Obama took a group of Republicans to dinner last night. And at the end of the meal, the president personally picked up the tab. Afterwards, Republicans said 'Typical Democrat. Spend, spend, spend.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Last week horse meat was covered in IKEA's meat balls. This morning it was discovered in IKEA's hot dogs. This is making me think twice about taking my family to dinner at a furniture store." –Conan O'Brien

"New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg has a new crusade. He wants people to stop listening to loud music in their headphones. Wasn't that the plot of 'Footloose'?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Mayor Bloomberg must throw the worst parties ever. How long before he just starts showing up on street corners and whacking the hot dogs out of people's hands?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Mark Zuckerberg unveiled a new Facebook news feed today. It promises to revolutionize the way we see pictures of our friends' feet on vacation." –Jimmy Kimmel