March 22, 2013

"President Obama filled out his NCAA tournament bracket. He picked Florida, Indiana, Louisville, and Ohio State to go to the Final Four. Crazy that it's been four months since the election, and he still needs Florida and Ohio to win." –Jimmy Fallon

"A NASA official told Congress that if a meteor was on track to strike the U.S., Americans should pray. Even Pope Francis was like, 'That's your Plan A?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The new Pope was inaugurated earlier today. Did you watch the festivities? All of the world leaders were there. Joe Biden represented the United States. Germany was represented by Angela Merkel. And Dennis Rodman was there, of course." –David Letterman

"The Pope is urging compassion for those less fortunate. Of course, that means the poor, the indigent, and the oppressed. And also Carnival Cruise passengers." –David Letterman

"Today President Obama and Joe Biden were both out of the country at the same time for an hour and 20 minutes. On the bright side, Sasha and Malia managed to talk the Republicans into a budget deal." –Jimmy Fallon

"Have you been watching 'The Bible'? They have a character who plays Satan, and he looks a little bit like President Obama. And I thought, 'If President Obama was actually Satan, Republicans might be willing to deal with him.'" –David Letterman

"The guy who plays Satan on the History Channel's 'The Bible' looks like President Obama. Even Rush Limbaugh was outraged. He was like, 'How can you do that to Satan?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"To celebrate St. Patrick's Day, Carnival Cruise had all their toilets overflowing with green water." –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney spoke at CPAC for the first time since the election. He has not lost any of the warmth and charm that we have come to know. He still sounds like the flight attendant that doesn’t let you use the bathroom in first class." –Bill Maher

"They had a panel discussion at CPAC called 'Are You Sick and Tired of Being Called a Racist When You Know You're Not One?' Let me save you guys a lot of money. If you get called a racist often enough to be sick and tired of it, you might be a redneck." –Bill Maher

"U.S. officials have revealed that America is ready to launch cyber attacks of its own. We have a program that can totally crash someone's computer. It's called 'Microsoft Windows.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"New Jersey officials say that one of their state's landfills smells so bad, they had to use an industrial-strength deodorant on it. They said it works. Today, they're going to try it on even bigger dumps, like a Carnival Cruise ship." –Jay Leno

"Yet another Carnival Cruise ship has broken down with no power, no water, and overflowing toilets. The only good thing about taking a Carnival Cruise is even Somali pirates won't try to board them now." –Jay Leno

"Are you folks excited about St. Patrick's Day? It's the day I tell Irish jokes written by Jewish writers." –David Letterman

"Julius Caesar was assassinated on the Ides of March. He was stabbed in the back by someone he thought was his friend. It was like he worked in show business." –Craig Ferguson

"Julius Caesar was romantically involved with Cleopatra for 14 years. But he never asked her to marry him. Cleopatra felt betrayed and spent years whining about it in public. That's why she was known as the 'Egyptian Taylor Swift.'" –Craig Ferguson

"The new Pope had part of a lung removed when he was a teenager. I knew those Catholic school nuns were really mean, but I had no idea." –Jay Leno

"Pope Francis was the runner-up to Pope Benedict in the last election. And this time he got elected. You know what that means? There's still hope for Mitt Romney." –Jay Leno

"Pope Francis was a beloved cardinal in Argentina. He gave up all his worldly possessions. He gave up his house to live in a tiny apartment. He gave up his car to ride the bus. You know what that means? Right now every divorced guy is saying, 'I could have been Pope.'" –Jay Leno

"A bakery in New York is already selling cookies with a picture of the new Pope on them. Which is perfect for anyone who was hoping to feel even more guilty after eating a bunch of cookies." –Jimmy Fallon

"The new Pope gave his first speech in Latin. Everybody's after the Latin vote." –David Letterman