March 4, 2013

"These automatic budget cuts are serious. It could negatively affect water and sewage services. In other words, all of America is about to embark on a Carnival cruise." –Conan O'Brien

"Pope Benedict is officially retired. Apparently there was some last-minute tension at the Vatican because they wouldn't give the Pope his security deposit back. " –Craig Ferguson

"Pope Benedict has become the first Pope to retire in 600 years. You have to wonder what a Pope does in retirement. I heard a rumor he already cashed in his 401(k)." –Jimmy Kimmel

"My favorite part about today was when the Pope left the Vatican, he left in a helicopter – just like 'The Bachelor.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Yesterday the Senate confirmed Jack Lew to be President Obama's new Treasury Secretary. Unfortunately, if the sequester happens he'll have to be let go due to budget cuts." –Jimmy Fallon

"As you know, the Pope stepped down today. There's a lot of cardinals running for this Pope position. Some of the slogans are pretty catchy. My favorite: 'Yes, We Vati-can.'" –Jay Leno

"Even though many have wanted to see Gitmo closed, including President Obama, despite all logic, it remains open for business. It's the Radio Shack of the War on Terror." –Stephen Colbert

"The War on Terror just turned 12-years-old, which explains why it's into remote controlled planes." –Stephen Colbert

"Americans are bracing for this thing called the sequester – when $85 billion will be cut from almost every part of the budget. So teachers, meat inspectors, and TSA workers will all be affected. So if you're someone who teaches people how to keep bad meat off airplanes, you're really screwed." –Jimmy Fallon

"This horse meat scandal just keeps growing. And it isn't happening only in Europe. According to a new report, donkey meat has been found in hamburgers in South Africa. Consumers said when they were eating the burgers, they sensed something was wrong but they couldn't quite pin a tail on it." –Jay Leno

"In fact, in South Africa more than two-thirds of the meat products tested contained undeclared ingredients. Or as we call that in this country, a hot dog." –Jay Leno

"Italy just had its elections. There's no winner. There's no government in Italy. People over there have been running wild through the streets, waving their hands in the air. And then they heard about the elections." –Craig Ferguson

"A lot of Americans can't believe how crazy the politics are in Italy. A comedian might become prime minister. We would never do that in America. A pro wrestler? Sure. Stuart Smalley from 'Saturday Night Live'? Yeah." –Craig Ferguson

David Letterman's "Top Ten Countries According to Secretary of State John Kerry"

"In a White House briefing, Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano warned that sequestration would affect border security. Her remarks raised eyebrows in Washington and got big laughs in Mexico." –Jay Leno

"Doesn't sequestration sound like some kind of side effect from a bad medicine?" –Jay Leno

"More problems for Sen. Bob Menendez of New Jersey. Remember he got in trouble for cavorting with prostitutes in the Dominican Republic? Now a professional East Coast escort has come forward and she says she had a sexual arrangement with him and other politicians as well. See, in Washington that arrangement is known as 'quid pro ho.'" –Jay Leno

"The White House officially released portraits of the White House gang. You can all see the portrait of Hillary Clinton. It will be on next month's cover of the 'Sports Illustrated' pants suit issue." –David Letterman

"Earlier tonight ABC announced their new "Dancing With the Stars" lineup. I was confused. I thought the sequester eliminated that." –David Letterman

 "Somebody noticed that none of the Oscar winners thanked God. To add insult to injury, at his last sermon, the same day, the Pope thanked Harvey Weinstein and Meryl Streep." –Conan O'Brien

"Demographic shifts are making it harder for the GOP to win nationally. Apparently in 2012, minority voters just didn't connect with the Republican message of 'Stop, thief!'" –Stephen Colbert

"Last night a toilet flooded the lobby where the Oscars show was being held. The show won an Oscar for best portrayal of a Carnival cruise." –Conan O'Brien

"The entire cast of 'Les Miserables' performed a song from the movie, featuring Russell Crowe. Or as the cast of 'Zero Dark Thirty' put it, 'Now this is torture.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"South Korea's first female president was sworn in. Meanwhile, North Korea said, 'We're just going to stick with men named Kim.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Michelle Obama is actually here tonight to talk about her fitness initiative 'Let’s Move.' Meanwhile, Chris Christie will be on next week to talk about his initiative 'Let's Sit." –Jimmy Fallon

"A huge snowstorm has now hit 18 states. In fact, it is so cold that former Chicago Congressman Jesse Jackson Jr. had his hands in his own pockets." –Jay Leno

"Fox News host Bill O'Reilly is writing a new book about the killing of Jesus. It will be the first time Jesus' death is blamed on Obamacare." –Conan O'Brien

"Someone hacked into Donald Trump's Twitter account. It's filled with offensive nonsense and stupid jokes. Then it got hacked." –Craig Ferguson

"It was just announced that President Obama will speak at Ohio State's graduation in May. The president has a lot in common with those students. He's currently in his fifth year and swamped with debt." –Jimmy Fallon

"Today 15 Republican Senators demanded the withdrawal of Hagel's nomination and it's no wonder. Senate Republicans have found all sorts of shady associations in Hagel's past. For instance, he was once a Senate Republican." –Stephen Colbert

"The fact that these organizations don't exist only makes it more suspicious that Chuck Hagel has been tied to them ... President Obama, withdraw Hagel's nomination, or you will lose the support of moderate Republicans -- another group that doesn't exist." –Stephen Colbert