March 8, 2013

"In his first interview since losing the election, Mitt Romney says it kills him to not be in the White House. He said he'll always think of it as the one house he couldn't buy." –Conan O'Brien

"The search for a Pope has begun. The cardinals are all starting to gather together in Rome right now. It's like a 'Star Trek' convention but less celibate." –Conan O'Brien

"Dennis Rodman visited North Korea. Rodman came back and said President Obama should call North Korean leader Kim Jong Un. But President Obama was busy discussing Iran's nuclear capabilities with Scottie Pippen." –Conan O'Brien

"Today Kenya is holding elections for the first time since 2007. It's getting nasty. Each presidential candidate is accusing the others of being born in Kenya." –Conan O'Brien

“Obama's sci-fi flub should be the GOP's gain. After all, Republicans and nerds have so much in common. They both live in fantasy worlds, and have no idea how to relate to women. And, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell bears a striking resemblance to Admiral Ackbar.” –Stephen Colbert on Obama's "Jedi mind-meld" gaffe

"The show has Dennis Rodman, our new ambassador to North Korea. Dennis is back home safely after visiting the North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un. And apparently they hit it off. Rodman called him a friend for life. But he said the same thing when he married Carmen Electra." –Jimmy Kimmel

"I don't have a lot of hope for the new Pope. The Cardinals are kind of like Republicans. They always say they want a fresh, new face and they end up picking a creepy old weirdo." –Bill Maher

"The big scandal is that CPAC did not invite the one most popular Republican in the country, Chris Christie, because apparently they're mad at him because during Hurricane Sandy, he hugged Obama. In their world, you're only allowed to touch a black person if he handed you a 7-wood and shot a hole in one." –Bill Maher

"They didn't invite Chris Christie, but they did invite Rick Perry and Sarah Palin – to answer the question, 'What is the opposite of a meeting of the minds?'" –Bill Maher

"Sarah Palin is getting ready for the big CPAC thing by writing words on her hand like "Obama bad. No like." And Rick Perry is getting ready by writing 'Rick Perry." –Bill Maher

"This is like not having the will power to diet, so instead rigging your refrigerator to blow up if you open the door." –Bill Maher on the sequester

"The cuts have already begun. Just yesterday, the Pope got laid off." –Jay Leno