"Down in Texas
Thursday is the opening of the George Bush Presidential Library and Think Tank.
I think he's in the shallow end." –Jay Leno
"Senator John
McCain went on TV this week to call Kim Jong-Un a clown and a fool. As you
know, according to John McCain, that would still make him eligible to be vice
president." –Jay Leno
"U.S.
intelligence agencies have put together a psychological profile of Kim Jong Un.
They say he's a narcissist, and he is obsessed with Hollywood, obsessed with
plastic surgery, and obsessed with the NBA. It's a condition we know as
'Kardashianism.'" –Jay Leno
"Computer
hackers hacked into The Associated Press Twitter account and they faked reports
about an attack on the White House. And I thought, 'Wait a minute, the real
news isn't bad enough? Now we're making up bad news?'" –David Letterman
"Former
Congressman Anthony Weiner is back on Twitter. It's like giving Lindsay Lohan
the keys to the mini bar." –David Letterman
"90 percent of
people support background checks, which means even people who can't pass a
background check support background checks." –Bill Maher
"Because of the
filibuster, the gun bill failed 54 to 46. Failed. I tell you, if the American
people ever learn math, they're going to be pissed." –Bill Maher
"President
Obama offered to wash senators' car if it would lead to an immigration bill.
Senators then told Obama, 'If you're going to wash our cars, why do we need
immigrants?" –Conan O'Brien
'Do you believe
Dennis Rodman is still talking about Kim Jong Un? It's not a good sign when the
friend who's trying to explain that you're not crazy is Dennis Rodman. That's
not the guy I would send out for my sanity test.' –Conan O'Brien
"Dennis Rodman
claims the FBI wants to hire him as an informant. That makes sense because the
first thing you want to do is to tell everyone you're an FBI informant."
–Conan O'Brien
"These brothers killed a young policeman, carjacked an SUV, ending with a high-speed chase and a firefight in which Tamerlan was mortally wounded, ending his life as all Islamic terrorists dream: at Beth Israel Hospital." –Stephen Colbert on the Boston Marathon bombers
"These are two bombers – they are two brothers, ethnic Chechens, which is in southern Russia – who came to the U.S. from the country of Kyrgyzstan, which is in central Asia. And today George W. Bush vowed revenge and called for an immediate invasion of Puerto Rico." –Bill Maher on the Boston bombers
"Between these two a**holes and the douchebag who sent Ricin to President Obama, it makes me very nostalgic for the carefree days of last week when we were just being threatened by North Korea with nuclear annihilation." –Bill Maher
Stephen Colbert on
the Boston Marathon bombing:
"Whoever did
this obviously did not know sh*t about the people of Boston. Because nothing
these terrorists do is going to shake them. For Pete's sake, Boston was founded
by the pilgrims — a people so tough they had to buckle their goddamn hats on.
It is the cradle of the American revolution. A city that withstood an 86-year
losing streak. A city that made it through the Big Dig, a construction project
that backed up traffic for 16 years — I mean, there are commuters just getting
home now. Even their bands are tough. It's the hometown of Aerosmith, who are,
in their fifth decade, still going strong. Even Steven Tyler looks fantastic,
for a 73-year-old woman.
"But here is
what these cowards really don't get. They attacked the Boston Marathon. An
event celebrating people who run 26 miles on their day off until their nipples
are raw for fun. And they have been holding it in Boston since 1897. And do you
know how tough you have to be to run in a whalebone corset? And when those
bombs went off, there were runners who, after finishing a marathon, kept
running for another two miles to the hospital to donate blood.
"So here's what
I know. These maniacs may have tried to make life bad for the people of Boston,
but all they can ever do is show just how good those people are."
