April 5, 2013

"Folks, I've got to be honest with you. I had a really awkward day today. I had to call David Letterman and tell him he didn't get 'The Tonight Show' again." –Jay Leno

"I want to congratulate our good friend Jimmy Fallon. He's going to do a great job. I just have one request for Jimmy: We've all fought, kicked, and scratched to get this network up to fifth place – now we have to keep it there. Jimmy, don't let it slip into 6th. We are counting on you." –Jay Leno

"President Obama will attend the dedication of George W. Bush's library this month. Apparently there's still a lot of debris around the new building, or as Obama put it, 'Don't look at me, I'm still cleaning up your last mess.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Didn't we just go through this? Jay Leno is being replaced — this is the second time this has happened. It's crazy. He's being replaced by a younger late-night host. What could possibly go wrong?" –David Letterman

"But NBC, bless them, announced the official date for Jay Leno's departure. No mention of his official date of return, however." –David Letterman

"The White House has now put together a website for kids. It's a website to teach kids how to manage a budget responsibly. The website is called 'Irony.gov.'" –David Letterman

"Public Policy Polling asked a group of 1,200 registered voters, and 13 percent said they believe Obama is the Antichrist and another 13 percent were not sure. I feel if he were the Antichrist, he would be getting more legislation passed." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The Associated Press, the largest newsgathering outlet in the world, will no longer use the term 'illegal immigrant.' That is out. They will now use the phrase 'undocumented Democrat.'" –Jay Leno

"Today President Obama asked Congress for $100 million to map the human brain. And believe me, if anybody needs a map to find their brain, it's Congress." –Jay Leno

"Yesterday President Obama shot baskets at the White House and made only two shots out of 22. Even Dick Cheney was like, 'That guy needs to learn how to shoot.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama went only two for 22. It's tough times for Obama – one minute, he's asking Congress to raise the debt ceiling; the next, he's asking them to lower the hoop." –Jimmy Fallon

"North Korea is now threatening the United States with all-out war. What did Dennis Rodman say to these people? What did he do?" –Jay Leno

"North Korea is now threatening the United States with all-out war. You can see they're stepping it up. In fact, they released 10 more photos of Kim Jong Un looking through binoculars." –Jay Leno

"Happy birthday to former Vice President Al Gore, 65 years old today. But sadly, he could not enjoy his party because he was so obsessed with how fast the ice cream was melting." –Jay Leno

"According to the United Nations, more people have working cellphones than have working toilets. Hey, so do most Carnival cruise ships. That's not unusual." –Jay Leno

"Obamacare takes effect in less than eight months. Do you realize what this means? If you go to the emergency room now, you'll be covered by the time you finally see a doctor." –Stephen Colbert

"Now, Obamacare raises eligibility for Medicaid to 133% of the poverty line, allowing it to cover 30 million more Americans by 2022. Thirty million medical moochers. To put that in perspective, if you laid them all end to end, they would stretch to Canada, which is where they should move if they want free healthcare!" –Stephen Colbert

"Folks, every day more and more freeloaders are sucking at the government teat. Which is especially troubling since Uncle Sam is a dude." –Stephen Colbert