Last Post

So, this is the end of a blog where I basically went to some websites for late night comedy.  I scooped up the ones that I found funny and publish them here at the end of the week. Nothing special, nothing original, but I had enjoyed it while it lasted, and a few seemed to have liked my selections. Below is a list of some of the websites that I used to use. Good bye.

Political Humor at About.com
http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/bldailyfeed3.htm

Huffington Post Political Humour
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/news/political-humor/

Daily Show with Jon Stewart:
 http://www.thedailyshow.com/

Colbert Report
http://www.colbertnation.com/

May 24, 2013

"During a Senate hearing yesterday, Senator John McCain said it was too hard to always have to update apps on his iPhone. No one has the heart to tell him the device he was holding was a garage door opener." –Conan O'Brien

"Anthony Weiner has formally announced he is running for mayor of New York City. He posted a video announcing it just after midnight – and being online in the middle of the night has always worked so well for Mr. Weiner." –Jay Leno

"Weiner said about the city, 'Nobody will work harder to make it better.' As opposed to his first campaign promise, which was 'Nobody will work better to make it harder.'" –Jay Leno

"Everything's going bad for President Obama with Benghazi and other controversies. But Obama's trying to turn things around. He's sending in SEAL Team 6 to bring back Justin Bieber's monkey." –David Letterman

"And if SEAL Team 6 doesn't work, he's sending in Dennis Rodman." –David Letterman

"Vice President Joe Biden met with two undocumented immigrants this week to promote the new immigration bill. When they learned they had to sit down with Biden, they went ahead and deported themselves." –Jimmy Fallon

"We had an election in Los Angeles yesterday. Three measures involved medical marijuana. The one that passed was a proposition that limits the number of marijuana dispensaries in the city. The rule now is there cannot be more marijuana stores than cupcake shops – because they feed on each other." –Jimmy Kimmel

"In November, Colorado passed an amendment that legalized the recreational use of marijuana. It's resulted in a surge of 'pot tourism.' People come for the weekend to smoke pot and the next thing they know, it's 30 years later they're still there working in a carbon-neutral coffee shop." –Jimmy Kimmel

"A lot of people are criticizing President Obama, including Michelle Obama. She recently said she could take a whole afternoon and talk about Barack's failures. She was immediately hired by Fox News." –Conan O'Brien

"According to a new survey, white Americans are more likely to see President Obama as angry than black Americans. After hearing about it, Obama got really angry – according to white Americans." –Conan O'Brien

"I feel bad for Barack Obama. He's got the Benghazi scandal, the IRS scandal, and the FBI wiretapping phones. The president is in so much trouble politically, he's thinking about killing bin Laden again." –David Letterman

"The White House admitted President Obama's chief of staff had advance warning that the IRS was targeting conservative groups. President Obama says the first time he heard about the IRS and AP scandals was from the media. See, that's why President Obama holds press conferences. It's not to explain what's going on. It's to find out what's going on." –Jay Leno

"Singer Mary J. Blige has been slapped with a $3.4 million bill from the IRS. I didn't even know she was a tea party member." –Jay Leno

"These scandals at the White House are just getting worse. It turns out that President Obama's chief of staff knew about the scandal at the IRS three weeks before the president found out. Obama was like, 'Anything else you guys aren't telling me?' And Joe Biden was like, 'Uh . . . I broke the copier.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Arnold Schwarzenegger has announced he will star in a low-budget horror movie called 'The Toxic Avenger.' He wreaks havoc. He's a monster. I have no idea what he'll do in the movie." –Craig Ferguson

"A new report just came out. It says someone close to the president knew about the IRS scandal and kept his mouth shut. In other words, we can rule out Joe Biden." –Conan O'Brien

"These White House scandals are not going away any time soon. I'll tell you how bad it's looking for President Obama: People in Kenya are now saying he's 100 percent American." –Jay Leno

"Yesterday, the Senate minority leader, Mitch McConnell, charged that there's a culture of intimidation throughout the Obama administration. Really, anyone intimidated by Barack Obama? He can't even keep Joe Biden in line." –Jay Leno

"So they spent the last five years claiming President Obama was weak and ineffective. Suddenly he's Tony Soprano." –Jay Leno

"There are reports that North Korean leader Kim Jong Un may have another child with a woman who is not his wife. People say the baby looks just like him – though in fairness, pretty much ALL babies look just like him." –Jimmy Fallon

“IRS: No one needs to avoid scandals more than you. You’re less popular with Americans than exercise." –Seth Meyers

“I mean really, the government only keeps you around to make the DMV look good." –Amy Poehler

"Really, Tea Party? Really? You’re surprised that you’re targeted by the IRS? You named yourself after a group of people who proudly and historically violated tax laws! Look, if I had a vanity license plate that said 'Weed 420,' I might expect to get pulled over now and then." –Amy Poehler

"And really, politics aside, should we be surprised that the IRS takes special attention to the tax forms of the Tea Party? Judging from the terrible spelling on their protest signs, attention to detail isn’t really their thing." –Seth Meyers

'President Obama this week denied that he knew about the inspector general's report detailing the IRS's increased scrutiny of conservative groups. So nothing to worry about, America, there's just a bunch of stuff happening that the president doesn't know about.' –Seth Meyers

"Today, the oversight committee demanded to know why, on the night of the attack in Benghazi, they did not deploy Iron Man." –Bill Maher

"Conservative groups told congressmen that they experienced long delays and were asked to answer unusually detailed questions. They said they felt like black people trying to vote in Florida." –Bill Maher on the Tea Party groups targeted by the IRS

(Coming to end: After about 4 years and close to 200 postings, I have decided to "retire" this Blog. No, it's not that I have made too much money from this to retire in luxury --I never thought of monetizing this, otherwise I could easily make enough to buy a cup of coffee every other month...give or take a cup. While the number of visitors have slowly dwindled over the last year, there is still a core group of readers who seem to come here on a regular basis. However, there are quite a few other hobbies, interests, and obligations that are fighting for my bandwidth.

Next week, I will point to a few sites that will help you keep updated on late night political comedy)

May 17, 2013

"Have you folks been paying attention to what's going on in Washington? In a matter of six weeks we have three big scandals, and it looks like President Obama and all his buddies in the White House may go to prison. Finally, some good news for the Romney campaign." –David Letterman

"People always say this to me: 'Hey, Letterman,' they say. 'Why don't you make jokes about Obama?' All right, I'll tell you why. I don't make jokes about him because I don't want the FBI tapping my phone, that's why." –David Letterman

"They see Benghazi as a real powder keg. This scandal, they believe, may go as high as Dennis Rodman." –David Letterman

"Here's the problem. When you get scandals in Washington – like the IRS, Benghazi, and the FBI – it really gets in the way of not getting things done. If they don't fix these crises pretty soon, honest to God, it could bring gridlock to a screeching halt." –David Letterman

"Since President Obama took office, the Democratic Party has lost nine governorships, 56 members of Congress, and two Senate seats. In his defense, Obama said, 'Well, I did promise change.'" –Conan O'Brien

"China announced it will no longer buy recycled trash from the U.S. I don't have a joke here. I'd just like to give a round of applause to whatever genius has been selling trash to China." –Conan O'Brien

"I love what IRS commissioner Steve Miller said today about this whole targeting conservative groups thing. He said, 'Mistakes were made, but they were in no way made with a political or partisan motivation.' Yeah, 'Mistakes were made' – try saying THAT during your next IRS audit." –Jay Leno

"First it was Benghazi, then the IRS scandal, and now this phone records scandal. Remember the old days when President Obama's biggest embarrassment was Joe Biden? What happened to those days?" –Jay Leno

"The founder of Spanx announced that she is giving away half of her fortune to charity. She told her family, 'We'll be fine. Things are just going to get a little tighter." –Jimmy Fallon

"The IRS has now admitted that they targeted conservative groups for extra scrutiny. That's why Mitt Romney wanted to be president so bad — to keep the IRS off his back." –Jay Leno

"Folks this proves that everything I've ever said about Obama is true. It's official. He's a secret Muslim, shape-shifting alien from Kenya who is coming for our guns. And Bo is a member of the Illuminati." –Stephen Colbert on the IRS scandal

"New Rule: Republicans trying to turn the Benghazi attacks into a scandal that taints Hillary Clinton’s chances at a 2016 presidential run must realize that scandals don’t weaken Hillary Clinton, they only make her stronger. Travelgate, the Rose Law Firm, Whitewater, Vince Foster, Monica Lewinsky…Hillary Clinton eats scandals for breakfast. If the Republicans keep this up she’ll not only be President, she’ll appoint Bill to the Supreme Court." –Bill Maher

"For those of you who have not been following Benghazi-gate, President Obama...has done the worst thing ever that anyone ever did in mankind. The Republicans now just have to figure out what. They have no idea what it is." –Bill Maher

"They want so bad to find a smoking gun and there just isn't one. There is no smoking gun. How said is that? Someone in America not able to find a gun." –Bill Maher on Benghazi

"Chris Christie revealed a couple months ago that he had lap band surgery. They're speculating that he did this because they're thinking he's going to run for president in 2016, and he couldn't unless he lost a lot of weight, and this procedure accomplishes that because it surgically pinches off your stomach so you just can't eat. Because that’s what you want in a president, someone with absolutely no will power, someone who says ‘I can literally not contain myself.’" –Bill Maher

"President Obama said in his last press conference that he wants to close Gitmo. Gitmo? How about closing Dodger Stadium? How many people are being tortured there night after night?" –Jay Leno

"The Senate is now taking a look at the immigration bill and will provide sweeping changes if, in fact, the bill is passed. Passed? Tim Tebow's got a better chance of passing." –David letterman

"This week marks the 10th anniversary of the professional networking site LinkedIn. Which is weird, because on LinkedIn it says it has 15 years of experience." –Jimmy Fallon

"Hooter's is letting mothers eat for free on Mother's Day. What better way to tell your mother that she raised a cheapskate and a perv?" –Conan O'Brien

May 10, 2013

"Chris Christie revealed he had lap-band surgery in February. President Obama wished him well. In fact, Obama is now thinking about having Joe Biden's mouth stapled." –Jay Leno

"New Jersey Governor Chris Christie revealed that he underwent a surgery that restricts the amount of food he can consume. As a result, 12 animals have been removed from the endangered species list." –Conan O'Brien

"New Jersey Governor Chris Christie had stomach surgery so he won't be so big. His family gave him a choice. They said, 'Look, you either have that surgery or get your own ZIP code.'" –David Letterman

"Cicadas are back, and there are going to be trillions of them. Cicadas mate once every 17 years. They're like Martha Stewart." –David Letterman

"New Jersey Governor Chris Christie revealed that back in February he had a secret lap-band surgery, which explains why there's been so much food in New Jersey lately." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Over the weekend, Arnold's son Patrick Schwarzenegger was kicked out of a nightclub in Hollywood. Apparently, Patrick threatened the DJ. It was a chaotic scene. Security rushed in and said, 'Which one of you is Schwarzenegger's kid?' And 50 people raised their hands." –Craig Ferguson

"PETA is really upset at Chris Christie for killing a spider in front of a group of school children. Governor Christie said, 'If PETA is upset by that, they do not want to know what I had for lunch today.'" –Conan O'Brien

"According to a new report, Al Gore now has more money than Mitt Romney. Gore said Mitt and I are living proof that if you're a boring white guy, anything is possible." –Conan O'Brien

"Over the weekend President Obama gave the commencement speech at Ohio State University. He said, 'I dare you to do better' — to which the students yelled back, 'No, we dare YOU to do better. We need jobs!'" –Jay Leno

"Mexico's economy has been on the upswing the last couple of years. They're getting investors from companies all over the world. In fact, Mexico is now home to 11 million undocumented Americans." –Jay Leno

"So...44 percent of Republicans think an armed rebellion might be necessary in the next few years. So if you say most Republicans are f**king nuts, you'd be off by 7 percent." –Bill Maher

"Senator Tom Coburn has introduced a new gun background check plan that would allow people to perform self-background checks before buying a gun. The way the plan works is, it doesn't." –Seth Meyers

"The NRA this week elected a new president, choosing Alabama lawyer Jim Porter who recently referred to Attorney General Eric Holder as 'rabidly un-American' and still calls the Civil War the 'War of Northern Aggression.' He's known around the NRA as 'Reasonable Jim.'" –Seth Meyers

"Yesterday President Obama warned Congress not to delay the immigration reform bill. You can tell he's getting tough because if they keep delaying the bill, he says he might even warn them again." –Jimmy Fallon

"A man arrested for shooting at the White House says he was upset over U.S. marijuana laws. Man, if only there was some way to mellow that guy out." –Stephen Colbert

"Martha Stewart signs with Match.com to find her Mr. Right. She's getting tips from the CEO there. Wait, isn't that insider dating?" –David Letterman

"Yesterday, President Obama met with Treasury Secretary Jack Lew in the White House. The treasury secretary meets once a month with the president – and he meets twice a month with the Chinese president." –Jay Leno

"Former South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford is the guy who told his wife he was going for a hike and then went to Argentina to see his girlfriend. He was then exposed as an unethical, lying, cheating weasel. In a stunning comeback, he has been elected to Congress, where he'll fit right in." –Jay Leno

"Today Sanford said his first order of business was improving relations with South America." –Jay Leno

"New predictions claim that 42 percent of Americans will be obese by the year 2030. They say the only way to stop it is for government to step in. Oh, yeah, that will work. When it comes to trimming the fat and tightening your belt, who knows better than the U.S. government?" –Jay Leno

"According to Forbes magazine, Al Gore is now worth more than $200 million. This is what Gore meant when he talked about going green." –Jay Leno

"My sister lost. How could this happen? I was so sure Lulu had won because CNN called it for Sanford." –Stephen Colbert on his sister Elizabeth Colbert Busch's failed congressional bid

"New Jersey Governor Chris Christie says he's still adjusting after his surgery to reduce how much he can eat. He said, 'I now have six free hours a day I don't know what to do with.'" –Conan O'Brien

"According to a new poll, Americans trust Judge Judy more than they trust Supreme Court justices. She won her trust after her landmark decision in the case of Drunk Lady vs. Other Drunk Lady." –Conan O'Brien

"Bill Clinton was being interview recently, and he said that despite all the speculation, Hillary hasn't said anything to him about running for president in 2016. Though in fairness, she hasn't said anything to him since 1998." –Jimmy Fallon

May 3, 2013

"The Bush Presidential Library is beautiful, and they have a huge section devoted to weapons of mass destruction, but nobody can find it." –David Letterman

"It's basically the Hard Rock Café of catastrophic policy decisions." –Jon Stewart on the Bush Presidential Library

"I guess that's better than its original title, Disasterpiece Theater." –Jon Stewart on the "Decision Points Theater" exhibit at the Bush Presidential Library

"In President Bush's high school yearbook, he was voted least likely to have a library named after him." –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney gave a commencement speech where he advised graduates to start a family before they turn 30. He also advised them to pay for it by inheriting millions of dollars." –Conan O'Brien

"Vice President Joe Biden's plane is apparently stuck in Arizona because of problems with its engine. Officials say they're trying to fix it as fast as they can. But Obama was like, 'No rush.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"An elementary school here in New York City has become the first school in the country to serve only vegetarian food. Apparently the school board wants to give kids a head start in being difficult at restaurants." –Jimmy Fallon

"That's right. A school is serving only vegetarian foods, like tofu. Now when bullies say, 'Give me your lunch money,' students are like, 'Here, take it.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Researchers now believe the first settlers who settled in America, in Jamestown, resorted to cannibalism. The first settlers ate each other. Good thing that didn't catch on. That would have changed Thanksgiving, don't you think?" –Jay Leno

"It's been two years since the SEAL team busted in and got Osama bin Laden. On the night of the raid, the guy never knew what hit him. It's like being married to a Kardashian." –David Letterman

"Yesterday President Obama said that the prison at Guantanamo Bay needs to be closed. To make sure it closes quickly, they're turning it into a Blockbuster Video." –Conan O'Brien

"A new study found that the air quality in New York City subways is actually the same quality as the air in New York streets. Even crazier, that's supposed to be good news." –Jimmy Fallon

"Conservatives like me know that in a budget crisis, everything nonessential has to go -- whether it's food for kids who aren't mine or some other stuff for people I don't know." –Stephen Colbert

"Today Jason Collins, center for the Washington Wizards, announced he is gay. He said, 'I don't know what's been tougher on my family, announcing I'm gay or announcing that I play for the Washington Wizards.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Washington Wizards center Jason Collins has become the first American athlete in a major team sport to come out as gay. Do you know what a breakthrough this is? Finally an NBA player who won't have any illegitimate kids." –Jay Leno

"They had a big opening of the Bush Library down in Texas. All five living presidents were there. It was a once in a lifetime event – a library in Texas." –Bill Maher

"I kid Texas, but the last person in that state to get near a schoolbook was Lee Harvey Oswald." –Bill Maher

"Dick Cheney was there, and the New York Times said he looked physically revitalized. So if you find any dead animals on your porch who have been completely drained of blood, you know why that happened." –Bill Maher

"[The Boston Marathon bombers] only had one gun between them. Talk about not assimilating; you are in the United States for ten years and you only have one gun?" –Bill Maher

"The issue dear to my heart that may be affected is marijuana reform because the younger brother apparently was a big pot smoker, which, could explain why he chose as a get away vehicle, a boat, that was on land." –Bill Maher on Boston Marathon bomber Dzhokhar Tsarnaev

"After he got away from the big shoot out he was trapped on a boat in the darkness, lying in his own waste. Or as we call it here, a Carnival Cruise." – Bill Maher on Dzhokhar Tsarnaev

"Plans are being discussed in California to let illegal immigrants serve on juries. Talk about doing the jobs Americans don't want to do! It's all yours. Thank you." –Jay Leno

As usual, the White House Correspondence Dinner was a lot of fun. You can watch the video  using the link from Whitehouse.gov:

http://www.whitehouse.gov/blog/2013/04/28/watch-president-obama-2013-white-house-correspondents-dinner