May 24, 2013

"During a Senate hearing yesterday, Senator John McCain said it was too hard to always have to update apps on his iPhone. No one has the heart to tell him the device he was holding was a garage door opener." –Conan O'Brien

"Anthony Weiner has formally announced he is running for mayor of New York City. He posted a video announcing it just after midnight – and being online in the middle of the night has always worked so well for Mr. Weiner." –Jay Leno

"Weiner said about the city, 'Nobody will work harder to make it better.' As opposed to his first campaign promise, which was 'Nobody will work better to make it harder.'" –Jay Leno

"Everything's going bad for President Obama with Benghazi and other controversies. But Obama's trying to turn things around. He's sending in SEAL Team 6 to bring back Justin Bieber's monkey." –David Letterman

"And if SEAL Team 6 doesn't work, he's sending in Dennis Rodman." –David Letterman

"Vice President Joe Biden met with two undocumented immigrants this week to promote the new immigration bill. When they learned they had to sit down with Biden, they went ahead and deported themselves." –Jimmy Fallon

"We had an election in Los Angeles yesterday. Three measures involved medical marijuana. The one that passed was a proposition that limits the number of marijuana dispensaries in the city. The rule now is there cannot be more marijuana stores than cupcake shops – because they feed on each other." –Jimmy Kimmel

"In November, Colorado passed an amendment that legalized the recreational use of marijuana. It's resulted in a surge of 'pot tourism.' People come for the weekend to smoke pot and the next thing they know, it's 30 years later they're still there working in a carbon-neutral coffee shop." –Jimmy Kimmel

"A lot of people are criticizing President Obama, including Michelle Obama. She recently said she could take a whole afternoon and talk about Barack's failures. She was immediately hired by Fox News." –Conan O'Brien

"According to a new survey, white Americans are more likely to see President Obama as angry than black Americans. After hearing about it, Obama got really angry – according to white Americans." –Conan O'Brien

"I feel bad for Barack Obama. He's got the Benghazi scandal, the IRS scandal, and the FBI wiretapping phones. The president is in so much trouble politically, he's thinking about killing bin Laden again." –David Letterman

"The White House admitted President Obama's chief of staff had advance warning that the IRS was targeting conservative groups. President Obama says the first time he heard about the IRS and AP scandals was from the media. See, that's why President Obama holds press conferences. It's not to explain what's going on. It's to find out what's going on." –Jay Leno

"Singer Mary J. Blige has been slapped with a $3.4 million bill from the IRS. I didn't even know she was a tea party member." –Jay Leno

"These scandals at the White House are just getting worse. It turns out that President Obama's chief of staff knew about the scandal at the IRS three weeks before the president found out. Obama was like, 'Anything else you guys aren't telling me?' And Joe Biden was like, 'Uh . . . I broke the copier.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Arnold Schwarzenegger has announced he will star in a low-budget horror movie called 'The Toxic Avenger.' He wreaks havoc. He's a monster. I have no idea what he'll do in the movie." –Craig Ferguson

"A new report just came out. It says someone close to the president knew about the IRS scandal and kept his mouth shut. In other words, we can rule out Joe Biden." –Conan O'Brien

"These White House scandals are not going away any time soon. I'll tell you how bad it's looking for President Obama: People in Kenya are now saying he's 100 percent American." –Jay Leno

"Yesterday, the Senate minority leader, Mitch McConnell, charged that there's a culture of intimidation throughout the Obama administration. Really, anyone intimidated by Barack Obama? He can't even keep Joe Biden in line." –Jay Leno

"So they spent the last five years claiming President Obama was weak and ineffective. Suddenly he's Tony Soprano." –Jay Leno

"There are reports that North Korean leader Kim Jong Un may have another child with a woman who is not his wife. People say the baby looks just like him – though in fairness, pretty much ALL babies look just like him." –Jimmy Fallon

“IRS: No one needs to avoid scandals more than you. You’re less popular with Americans than exercise." –Seth Meyers

“I mean really, the government only keeps you around to make the DMV look good." –Amy Poehler

"Really, Tea Party? Really? You’re surprised that you’re targeted by the IRS? You named yourself after a group of people who proudly and historically violated tax laws! Look, if I had a vanity license plate that said 'Weed 420,' I might expect to get pulled over now and then." –Amy Poehler

"And really, politics aside, should we be surprised that the IRS takes special attention to the tax forms of the Tea Party? Judging from the terrible spelling on their protest signs, attention to detail isn’t really their thing." –Seth Meyers

'President Obama this week denied that he knew about the inspector general's report detailing the IRS's increased scrutiny of conservative groups. So nothing to worry about, America, there's just a bunch of stuff happening that the president doesn't know about.' –Seth Meyers

"Today, the oversight committee demanded to know why, on the night of the attack in Benghazi, they did not deploy Iron Man." –Bill Maher

"Conservative groups told congressmen that they experienced long delays and were asked to answer unusually detailed questions. They said they felt like black people trying to vote in Florida." –Bill Maher on the Tea Party groups targeted by the IRS

(Coming to end: After about 4 years and close to 200 postings, I have decided to "retire" this Blog. No, it's not that I have made too much money from this to retire in luxury --I never thought of monetizing this, otherwise I could easily make enough to buy a cup of coffee every other month...give or take a cup. While the number of visitors have slowly dwindled over the last year, there is still a core group of readers who seem to come here on a regular basis. However, there are quite a few other hobbies, interests, and obligations that are fighting for my bandwidth.

Next week, I will point to a few sites that will help you keep updated on late night political comedy)