May 10, 2013

"Chris Christie revealed he had lap-band surgery in February. President Obama wished him well. In fact, Obama is now thinking about having Joe Biden's mouth stapled." –Jay Leno

"New Jersey Governor Chris Christie revealed that he underwent a surgery that restricts the amount of food he can consume. As a result, 12 animals have been removed from the endangered species list." –Conan O'Brien

"New Jersey Governor Chris Christie had stomach surgery so he won't be so big. His family gave him a choice. They said, 'Look, you either have that surgery or get your own ZIP code.'" –David Letterman

"Cicadas are back, and there are going to be trillions of them. Cicadas mate once every 17 years. They're like Martha Stewart." –David Letterman

"New Jersey Governor Chris Christie revealed that back in February he had a secret lap-band surgery, which explains why there's been so much food in New Jersey lately." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Over the weekend, Arnold's son Patrick Schwarzenegger was kicked out of a nightclub in Hollywood. Apparently, Patrick threatened the DJ. It was a chaotic scene. Security rushed in and said, 'Which one of you is Schwarzenegger's kid?' And 50 people raised their hands." –Craig Ferguson

"PETA is really upset at Chris Christie for killing a spider in front of a group of school children. Governor Christie said, 'If PETA is upset by that, they do not want to know what I had for lunch today.'" –Conan O'Brien

"According to a new report, Al Gore now has more money than Mitt Romney. Gore said Mitt and I are living proof that if you're a boring white guy, anything is possible." –Conan O'Brien

"Over the weekend President Obama gave the commencement speech at Ohio State University. He said, 'I dare you to do better' — to which the students yelled back, 'No, we dare YOU to do better. We need jobs!'" –Jay Leno

"Mexico's economy has been on the upswing the last couple of years. They're getting investors from companies all over the world. In fact, Mexico is now home to 11 million undocumented Americans." –Jay Leno

"So...44 percent of Republicans think an armed rebellion might be necessary in the next few years. So if you say most Republicans are f**king nuts, you'd be off by 7 percent." –Bill Maher

"Senator Tom Coburn has introduced a new gun background check plan that would allow people to perform self-background checks before buying a gun. The way the plan works is, it doesn't." –Seth Meyers

"The NRA this week elected a new president, choosing Alabama lawyer Jim Porter who recently referred to Attorney General Eric Holder as 'rabidly un-American' and still calls the Civil War the 'War of Northern Aggression.' He's known around the NRA as 'Reasonable Jim.'" –Seth Meyers

"Yesterday President Obama warned Congress not to delay the immigration reform bill. You can tell he's getting tough because if they keep delaying the bill, he says he might even warn them again." –Jimmy Fallon

"A man arrested for shooting at the White House says he was upset over U.S. marijuana laws. Man, if only there was some way to mellow that guy out." –Stephen Colbert

"Martha Stewart signs with Match.com to find her Mr. Right. She's getting tips from the CEO there. Wait, isn't that insider dating?" –David Letterman

"Yesterday, President Obama met with Treasury Secretary Jack Lew in the White House. The treasury secretary meets once a month with the president – and he meets twice a month with the Chinese president." –Jay Leno

"Former South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford is the guy who told his wife he was going for a hike and then went to Argentina to see his girlfriend. He was then exposed as an unethical, lying, cheating weasel. In a stunning comeback, he has been elected to Congress, where he'll fit right in." –Jay Leno

"Today Sanford said his first order of business was improving relations with South America." –Jay Leno

"New predictions claim that 42 percent of Americans will be obese by the year 2030. They say the only way to stop it is for government to step in. Oh, yeah, that will work. When it comes to trimming the fat and tightening your belt, who knows better than the U.S. government?" –Jay Leno

"According to Forbes magazine, Al Gore is now worth more than $200 million. This is what Gore meant when he talked about going green." –Jay Leno

"My sister lost. How could this happen? I was so sure Lulu had won because CNN called it for Sanford." –Stephen Colbert on his sister Elizabeth Colbert Busch's failed congressional bid

"New Jersey Governor Chris Christie says he's still adjusting after his surgery to reduce how much he can eat. He said, 'I now have six free hours a day I don't know what to do with.'" –Conan O'Brien

"According to a new poll, Americans trust Judge Judy more than they trust Supreme Court justices. She won her trust after her landmark decision in the case of Drunk Lady vs. Other Drunk Lady." –Conan O'Brien

"Bill Clinton was being interview recently, and he said that despite all the speculation, Hillary hasn't said anything to him about running for president in 2016. Though in fairness, she hasn't said anything to him since 1998." –Jimmy Fallon