May 17, 2013

"Have you folks been paying attention to what's going on in Washington? In a matter of six weeks we have three big scandals, and it looks like President Obama and all his buddies in the White House may go to prison. Finally, some good news for the Romney campaign." –David Letterman

"People always say this to me: 'Hey, Letterman,' they say. 'Why don't you make jokes about Obama?' All right, I'll tell you why. I don't make jokes about him because I don't want the FBI tapping my phone, that's why." –David Letterman

"They see Benghazi as a real powder keg. This scandal, they believe, may go as high as Dennis Rodman." –David Letterman

"Here's the problem. When you get scandals in Washington – like the IRS, Benghazi, and the FBI – it really gets in the way of not getting things done. If they don't fix these crises pretty soon, honest to God, it could bring gridlock to a screeching halt." –David Letterman

"Since President Obama took office, the Democratic Party has lost nine governorships, 56 members of Congress, and two Senate seats. In his defense, Obama said, 'Well, I did promise change.'" –Conan O'Brien

"China announced it will no longer buy recycled trash from the U.S. I don't have a joke here. I'd just like to give a round of applause to whatever genius has been selling trash to China." –Conan O'Brien

"I love what IRS commissioner Steve Miller said today about this whole targeting conservative groups thing. He said, 'Mistakes were made, but they were in no way made with a political or partisan motivation.' Yeah, 'Mistakes were made' – try saying THAT during your next IRS audit." –Jay Leno

"First it was Benghazi, then the IRS scandal, and now this phone records scandal. Remember the old days when President Obama's biggest embarrassment was Joe Biden? What happened to those days?" –Jay Leno

"The founder of Spanx announced that she is giving away half of her fortune to charity. She told her family, 'We'll be fine. Things are just going to get a little tighter." –Jimmy Fallon

"The IRS has now admitted that they targeted conservative groups for extra scrutiny. That's why Mitt Romney wanted to be president so bad — to keep the IRS off his back." –Jay Leno

"Folks this proves that everything I've ever said about Obama is true. It's official. He's a secret Muslim, shape-shifting alien from Kenya who is coming for our guns. And Bo is a member of the Illuminati." –Stephen Colbert on the IRS scandal

"New Rule: Republicans trying to turn the Benghazi attacks into a scandal that taints Hillary Clinton’s chances at a 2016 presidential run must realize that scandals don’t weaken Hillary Clinton, they only make her stronger. Travelgate, the Rose Law Firm, Whitewater, Vince Foster, Monica Lewinsky…Hillary Clinton eats scandals for breakfast. If the Republicans keep this up she’ll not only be President, she’ll appoint Bill to the Supreme Court." –Bill Maher

"For those of you who have not been following Benghazi-gate, President Obama...has done the worst thing ever that anyone ever did in mankind. The Republicans now just have to figure out what. They have no idea what it is." –Bill Maher

"They want so bad to find a smoking gun and there just isn't one. There is no smoking gun. How said is that? Someone in America not able to find a gun." –Bill Maher on Benghazi

"Chris Christie revealed a couple months ago that he had lap band surgery. They're speculating that he did this because they're thinking he's going to run for president in 2016, and he couldn't unless he lost a lot of weight, and this procedure accomplishes that because it surgically pinches off your stomach so you just can't eat. Because that’s what you want in a president, someone with absolutely no will power, someone who says ‘I can literally not contain myself.’" –Bill Maher

"President Obama said in his last press conference that he wants to close Gitmo. Gitmo? How about closing Dodger Stadium? How many people are being tortured there night after night?" –Jay Leno

"The Senate is now taking a look at the immigration bill and will provide sweeping changes if, in fact, the bill is passed. Passed? Tim Tebow's got a better chance of passing." –David letterman

"This week marks the 10th anniversary of the professional networking site LinkedIn. Which is weird, because on LinkedIn it says it has 15 years of experience." –Jimmy Fallon

"Hooter's is letting mothers eat for free on Mother's Day. What better way to tell your mother that she raised a cheapskate and a perv?" –Conan O'Brien