"The Bush
Presidential Library is beautiful, and they have a huge section devoted to
weapons of mass destruction, but nobody can find it." –David Letterman
"It's basically
the Hard Rock Café of catastrophic policy decisions." –Jon Stewart on the
Bush Presidential Library
"I guess that's
better than its original title, Disasterpiece Theater." –Jon Stewart on
the "Decision Points Theater" exhibit at the Bush Presidential
Library
"In President
Bush's high school yearbook, he was voted least likely to have a library named
after him." –Jay Leno
"Mitt Romney
gave a commencement speech where he advised graduates to start a family before
they turn 30. He also advised them to pay for it by inheriting millions of
dollars." –Conan O'Brien
"Vice President
Joe Biden's plane is apparently stuck in Arizona because of problems with its
engine. Officials say they're trying to fix it as fast as they can. But Obama
was like, 'No rush.'" –Jimmy Fallon
"An elementary
school here in New York City has become the first school in the country to
serve only vegetarian food. Apparently the school board wants to give kids a
head start in being difficult at restaurants." –Jimmy Fallon
"That's right.
A school is serving only vegetarian foods, like tofu. Now when bullies say,
'Give me your lunch money,' students are like, 'Here, take it.'" –Jimmy
Fallon
"Researchers
now believe the first settlers who settled in America, in Jamestown, resorted
to cannibalism. The first settlers ate each other. Good thing that didn't catch
on. That would have changed Thanksgiving, don't you think?" –Jay Leno
"It's been two
years since the SEAL team busted in and got Osama bin Laden. On the night of
the raid, the guy never knew what hit him. It's like being married to a
Kardashian." –David Letterman
"Yesterday
President Obama said that the prison at Guantanamo Bay needs to be closed. To
make sure it closes quickly, they're turning it into a Blockbuster Video."
–Conan O'Brien
"A new study
found that the air quality in New York City subways is actually the same
quality as the air in New York streets. Even crazier, that's supposed to be
good news." –Jimmy Fallon
"Conservatives
like me know that in a budget crisis, everything nonessential has to go --
whether it's food for kids who aren't mine or some other stuff for people I
don't know." –Stephen Colbert
"Today Jason
Collins, center for the Washington Wizards, announced he is gay. He said, 'I
don't know what's been tougher on my family, announcing I'm gay or announcing
that I play for the Washington Wizards.'" –Conan O'Brien
"Washington
Wizards center Jason Collins has become the first American athlete in a major
team sport to come out as gay. Do you know what a breakthrough this is? Finally
an NBA player who won't have any illegitimate kids." –Jay Leno
"They had a big
opening of the Bush Library down in Texas. All five living presidents were
there. It was a once in a lifetime event – a library in Texas." –Bill
Maher
"I kid Texas,
but the last person in that state to get near a schoolbook was Lee Harvey
Oswald." –Bill Maher
"Dick Cheney
was there, and the New York Times said he looked physically revitalized. So if
you find any dead animals on your porch who have been completely drained of
blood, you know why that happened." –Bill Maher
"[The Boston
Marathon bombers] only had one gun between them. Talk about not assimilating;
you are in the United States for ten years and you only have one gun?"
–Bill Maher
"The issue dear
to my heart that may be affected is marijuana reform because the younger
brother apparently was a big pot smoker, which, could explain why he chose as a
get away vehicle, a boat, that was on land." –Bill Maher on Boston
Marathon bomber Dzhokhar Tsarnaev
"After he got
away from the big shoot out he was trapped on a boat in the darkness, lying in
his own waste. Or as we call it here, a Carnival Cruise." – Bill Maher on
Dzhokhar Tsarnaev
"Plans are
being discussed in California to let illegal immigrants serve on juries. Talk
about doing the jobs Americans don't want to do! It's all yours. Thank
you." –Jay Leno
As usual, the White House Correspondence Dinner was a lot of fun. You can watch the video using the link from Whitehouse.gov:
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