Late Night Roundup

January 27, 2012

2012-01-27T12:57:00.002-05:00

"President Obama toldthe nation ‘The state of our union is strong,’ while Newt Gingrich told hiswife, 'The state of our union is open.'" –Conan O'Brien

“His State of the Unionspeech was written so 8th graders could understand it. Which explains the partwhere Obama said, 'I wasted bin Laden, LMAO!'" –Conan O’Brien

"A new website just cameout that’s designed to calculate how long it takes Mitt Romney to earn yoursalary. So from now on, whenever Mitt Romney is running late, he can call thereand say, 'I'll be there in five teachers.'" –Conan O'Brien

"What's interesting isin the time it took you to think about that joke, Mitt Romney made $65million." –Conan O'Brien

"Mitt Romney releasedhis tax records and they showed that he earned $42 million over the last twoyears. So now the other candidates aren't running for president. They'rerunning to be Mitt Romney." –Conan O'Brien

"Obama focused on fourareas he believes are the keys to restoring economic security. Energy,manufacturing, education, and TV shows about cupcakes, which we love."–Jimmy Kimmel

"Mitt Romney is going torelease 2010 and 2011 tax returns. Not to be outdone, Newt Gingrich is going torelease his 1988, 1994, and 2005 wedding vows." –Conan O'Brien

"Mitt Romney lost inSouth Carolina. He's getting desperate. With the Florida primaries coming up,today Mitt Romney's campaign staff said the gloves are off. Or to use Romney'sexact words, "Jeeves, be a good chap and remove my opera gloves.'"–Conan O'Brien

"Today, the Stanley Cupchampion Boston Bruins visited the White House. President Obama told them heloves hockey as much as any black guy who grew up in Indonesia." –ConanO'Brien

"Newt Gingrich crushedMitt Romney on Saturday (in South Carolina). … Gingrich sealed his victory inlast week’s debates by going after America’s most dangerous enemy: debatemoderators." –Stephen Colbert

"You're not a Washingtoninsider? You, the former Speaker of the House and Freddie Mac consultingmillionaire, are the Washington insider. When Washington gets its prostate checked,it tickles you!" –Jon Stewart, on Newt Gingrich campaigning as aWashington outsider

"Rick Perry dropped out.He said while it’s sad he won’t be president, he can always run again nextyear." –Bill Maher

"I have not seenanything this surreal since they cancelled 'Twin Peaks.' What else can you sayabout a Republican debate when the rich guy, who’s avoiding taxes – which theylike, gets booed and the fat creep into threesomes gets a standingovation?" –Bill Maher, on Romney and Gingrich in the CNN debate

"Newt was mad. He said'I am not a philanderer; I am a blow job creator.'" –Bill Maher

"Meanwhile, at thedebate, Mitt Romney's got a look on his face like, 'Three women at once? Who'sthe Mormon in this race?'" –Bill Maher

"New Rule: Someone hasto tell Francesco Schettino that embracing a callous policy of "every manfor himself" doesn't make you a sea captain. It makes you the Republicannominee." -Bill Maher

"New Rule: The NAACPmust take Newt Gingrich up on his offer to stand in front of the theirconvention and tell them why black people should want jobs instead food stamps.This way I can finally answer a question that's been bugging me for years: canNewt Gingrich run?" –Bill Maher

"Scientists announcedthat they have detected a brand new subatomic particle. This particle is sotiny, it's actually smaller than the income tax rate paid by Mitt Romney."–Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney won'trelease his taxes, but on the other hand, turns out Newt Gingrich wrote off twoof his marriages as a total loss." –Jay Leno

"Last night... anybodywatch the debates? Newt was pretty good, I have to admit. He lashed out andsaid the attacks from the media make it harder to attract decent people to runfor office, and he's right. That's why we have people like Newt Gingrichrunning for office." –Jay Leno

"Actually, Rick Perrypulled out of the presidential race yesterday - which is bad news for the guyson death row in Texas. He's coming home and he's not in a good mood." –JayLeno

"Newt Gingrich wascheating on his second wife while he was prosecuting Bill Clinton for theMonica Lewinsky thing. In other words, Newt puts the 'hippo' in'Hypocrite.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Gingrich is lining upimpressive endorsements. Todd Palin, Gary Busey, and now, Chuck Norris. I'lltell you, his endorsements could beat up Mitt Romney's endorsements."–Jimmy Kimmel

"During a debate, MittRomney said he grew up in the real streets of America. Yes, the real streets,where people pull up next to you and ask if you have any Grey Poupon."–Jimmy Kimmel

"Yesterday in Florida,President Obama kissed a woman on the cheek after she told him he looks good.Which explains why last night, Michelle made him sleep on Air MattressOne." –Jimmy Fallon

"Rick Perry dropped outof the presidential race. When asked what went wrong, Perry said, I guessAmerica is not ready to elect a dumb guy from Texas. But in time." –ConanO'Brien

"Texas Governor RickPerry officially dropped out of the race for president. Yeah, he just couldn’tget over that one campaign hurdle — you know, talking." –Jimmy Fallon

"Tonight was the CNNprimary debate with the four remaining candidates. It was kind of a change forNewt Gingrich. Usually when he's arguing with three people at once, it's hiswife, his ex-wife, and his mistress." –Jay Leno

January 20, 2012

2012-01-20T09:00:00.000-05:00

"Mitt Romney, whosefather was born in Mexico, is now talking up his Mexican heritage. Not to beoutdone today, Newt Gingrich said he once cheated on one of his wives with awoman named Juanita." –Jay Leno

"Newt Gingrich hasreleased a new ad attacking Mitt Romney because he knows how to speak French.Well Mitt Romney is not the only one. Jon Huntsman speaks Chinese and RickPerry speaks gibberish." –Jay Leno

"Sen. John McCain toldSean Hannity that choosing Sarah Palin was still the best decision he evermade. Well, today the Arizona DMV took away his driver's license." –JayLeno

"A cardiologist now saysthat former Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards' trial has to bedelayed because Edwards has a life-threatening condition. Hey, don't all husbandswho cheat have a life-threatening condition?" –Jay Leno

"The South Carolina GOPprimary campaign is in full swing. Candidates are shaking hands, kissing babiesand strategically ignoring Confederate flags." –Stephen Colbert

"(It's) basically a moneyplacenta. I give him nothing and Jon nourishes me in a warm embryonic bath ofstrategy and cash until I slide out all wet and electable." –StephenColbert on his relationship with Jon Stewart, who now runs his PAC

Rick Perry from Monday'sdebate: "South Carolina is at war with this federal government and withthis administration."

Jon Stewart: "Waragainst the government led by South Carolina! That always has good ending,right?"

Mitt Romney on MSNBC:"If we coordinate (with a super PAC) in any way whatsoever, we go to thebig house."

Jon Stewart: "Which oneof your big houses do you go to: the beach house or the ski chalet?"

(After showing NewtGingrich's debate comments that he would help poor African Americans get andkeep a job instead of receive food stamps.)

Jon Stewart: "And so itwas that on Martin Luther King Day, Newt Gingrich shared his vision of anAmerica where people will be judged not by the color of their skin but by him,Newt Gingrich. And he finds them lazy."

"When Mitt Romney hearda story about people getting pissed on, he launched into his defense of venturecapitalism." –Bill Maher regarding the video of American soldiersurinating on Afghan bodies

"Beating Newt Gingrichin a popularity contest is like beating Stephen Hawking in 'Dancing with theStars.'" –Bill Maher

"Newt got an importantendorsement this week – Todd Palin. I'm not kidding. Sarah Palin's formerlymute husband, Todd, endorsed Newt Gingrich. We don't know why, but today Toddreceived a beautiful pair of Tiffany earrings." –Bill Maher

"The third Monday inJanuary is the most depressing day of the year. Especially, if you’re a Broncosfan supporting Jon Huntsman." –Jimmy Fallon

"During a campaign eventon Saturday, Mitt Romney reached into his pocket and gave cash to a woman whosaid she was broke. Which got awkward, when she was like, 'I'm alsolonely!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"According to the exitpolls, Mitt Romney won in every category of voter in New Hampshire, from richto poor, from young to old, from white to really white. He won across theboard." –Jay Leno

"It's been a tough weekfor Jon Huntsman. In addition to dropping out of the race, earlier this week hefound out he was not really a Kardashian." –David Letterman

"Is Mitt Romney a serialkiller? I don't know, but that question's out there now." –StephenColbert, on his Super PAC attack ad accusing Romney of being a serial killer

"A new poll says 84% ofAmericans disapprove of Congress' job. The other 16% weren't aware Congress wasdoing one." –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney is comingunder fire because even though he is a multimillionaire, he only paid 15percent in taxes. That's not a tax, that's barely a tip." –Jay Leno

"An intelligence officerwith the Canadian armed forces has been arrested for passing Canadian militarysecrets to a terrorist group. I don't know what's more shocking, the fact thathe did that or that Canada has military secrets." –Jay Leno

"Wikipedia and a numberof websites blocked themselves out to protest a piece of legislation that'smaking its way through Congress right now. I'll look it up in Wikipedia if itever comes back." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama tookMichelle out to a steak restaurant for her birthday, marking the first time inmonths the words 'Obama' and 'well done' appeared in the same sentence."–Jimmy Fallon

"Mitt Romney is quite aguy. At one point he and his wife bought a zoo and fired all the animals."–David Letterman

David Letterman's "TopTen Things People Said When They Heard Jon Huntsman Was Dropping Out Of ThePresidential Race"

10. "Who's JonHuntsman?"

9. "Is he the richboring white guy, or the other rich boring white guy?"

8. "Seriously, who's JonHuntsman?"

7. "You mean my taxattorney? Oh wait, that's Stan Huntsman"

6. "Does this mean wecan bring Herman Cain back? That guy was hilarious"

5. "So that leaves onlyfour viable candidates, plus Rick Perry"

4. "It's like JonHuntsman said . . . Well, actually, I have no idea what he said"

3. "Hey honey, some guyI’ve never heard of is dropping out of the race"

2. "He should haveTebowed more"

1. "Now who's gonna loseto Obama in the general election?"

January 13, 2012

2012-01-13T12:18:00.000-05:00

“Newt Gingrich had a horribleweek in the Iowa caucuses. Only 13 percent of his ex-wives voted for him.”–David Letterman

“How about Mitt Romney? Nowthere's a guy who looks like you would see his picture on a package of men'sbriefs.” –David Letterman

"Ron Paul - he lookslike a guy you'd keep overnight for observation.” –David Letterman

“Rick Perry decided he wouldstay in the race, so there is still plenty of time not to vote for him.” –DavidLetterman

“Herman Cain is back. He'splanning to tour the country in a bus, which sounds like his wife has kickedhim out of the house.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Apparently a large branch ofMitt Romney’s family lives in Mexico. … His grandfather in the late 1800s movedhis whole family to Mexico to avoid being prosecuted for polygamy. … Mitt canuse that to show that he’s tough on immigration. His family kicked themselvesout of the country.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“According to NationalEnquirer, John Edwards has proposed to his mistress, Rielle Hunter. He gavethree reasons for wanting to marry her: He loves her, she's the mother of hischild, and of course, a wife can't testify against her husband.” –Jay Leno

“Iran just announced plans torestrict Web access, and launch its own national Internet. That’s right,they’re creating an Internet that’s totally cut off from the rest of the world— or as that’s also known, ‘AOL.’” –Jimmy Fallon

"Mitt Romney saysPresident Obama's promises are like Kim Kardashian's wedding vows. PresidentObama shot back. He said Romney's positions last about half as long as a KimKardashian wedding." –Jay Leno

"Even though Rick Perrycame in fifth, he is not quitting. He said it's on to South Carolina. And thentoday, he said, 'Which way is that?'" –Jay Leno

"A man who calls himselfthe grand warlock of Mexico has predicted that President Obama will not winre-election. The grand warlock's real name? Juan Hannity." –Jay Leno

"A dead body wasdiscovered this week on the grounds of a country estate owned by QueenElizabeth. The queen said today she hopes this serves as a reminder to anybodyon her staff that there is a right way and a wrong way to polish sterlingsilver." –Jay Leno

"Tonight is the newseason of 'Jersey Shore.' It promises to have all of the name calling, sexscandals, and backstabbing of the Republican primaries." –Conan O'Brien

"Presidential candidateRick Santorum is under fire for a remark he made in Iowa about black people.The remark has sparked outrage among Iowa's black community, otherwise known asSteve." –Conan O'Brien

"Mitt Romney has comeunder fire for his pledge to eliminate federal funding for PBS. Romney said,'When I'm president, the only operated puppet speaking to kids will beme." –Conan O'Brien

"I read that Facebook ishosting a Republican debate on Sunday. Candidates will be seated based on theirpoll numbers, with Romney in the middle, Gingrich on the side, and Rick Perrydown the street at the MySpace debate." –Jimmy Fallon

"Mitt Romneysaid that he enjoyed firing people. Way to connect with the middle class there,Mitt." –David Letterman

"Ron Paul saysthat he has a big youth following. You can tell by looking at the guy he's aregular Justin Bieber." –David Letterman

"Duringyesterday's debate, Mitt Romney said he wasn't a career politician, and NewtGingrich told him to drop the 'pious baloney.' Of course, when Romney droppedit, Newt was like, 'Hey, you gonna eat that pious baloney?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The nationaldebt has reached $15 trillion — the size of the entire U.S. economy. Yeah, Idon't wanna say President Obama is out of solutions for the debt, but today hetried handing it off to Tim Tebow." –Jimmy Fallon

"During the GOPdebate on Saturday night, Jon Huntsman spoke Chinese. Not to be outdone duringthe debate, Newt Gingrich ate Chinese." –Conan O'Brien

"The defensedepartment is trying to find out who leaked information to filmmakers making amovie about the killing of Osama bin Laden. Even worse, the name of the movieis 'Harold and Kumar Kill Osama.'" –Conan O'Brien

"The Britishgovernment has urged its citizens to abstain from alcohol at least two days aweek. Or to make it easier to remember, whenever they brush their teeth."–Conan O'Brien

"I watched theRepublican debate. At one point, the candidates said there are no classes inAmerica, a point then hotly debated by all six rich white guys that werethere." –Craig Ferguson

"Congratulationsto Mitt Romney. He won the New Hampshire primary last night. See, this is proofthat even the multimillionaire son of a multimillionaire can beat the odds andrun for president of the United States." –Jay Leno

"Rick Perry wasphilosophical about it. He said, 'Last week was Iowa. Yesterday was NewHampshire. ' He said at least it's giving him a chance to learn the names ofall the states." –Jay Leno

"Jon Huntsmanfinished third ... and he said he's happy with the momentum he gained thisweek. You know it's got to be fun being a politician. You can spin everything.… Your plane is crashing and you're saying, 'We're happy to be landing ahead ofschedule.'" –Jay Leno

"According tothe tabloids, John Edwards is going to marry his mistress, Rielle Hunter. Whichmeans, of course, now he has to find a new mistress, and the whole thing startsagain." –Jay Leno

"The thing Idon't like about Romney is that he's not funny. For a while, the field waslooking promising for late night comedians." –Craig Ferguson

"Ron Paul saidhe's 'nibbling at mitt Romney's heels.' At 76 years old, I hope somebody'scutting Romney's heels into bite-sized pieces for him." –Craig Ferguson

"Seventy-sixpercent of people polled thought that Mitt was short for mittens. I'd vote forhim if his name was Mittens Romney. Other nations would fear us for being soadorable." –Craig Ferguson

"Fidel Castroposted a blog entry this week titled 'The Best President.' Castro thinks arobot would do a better job than President Obama. And if Mitt Romney wins, thatcould happen." –Jimmy Kimmel

"With all duerespect, Castro, we tried the robot thing here in California. And it didn'twork out." –Jimmy Kimmel

"I'm havingtrouble warming up to Mitt Romney. He looks like the guy in the restaurant thatcomes to your table to make sure everything's all right." –David Letterman

"YesterdayAngelina Jolie and Brad Pitt stopped by the White House. There was an awkwardmoment when they tried to adopt President Obama." –Conan O'Brien

"Nation, unlessyou live in a cave, I'm sure you've heard that yesterday's New Hampshireprimary was won by Mitt Romney. And if you do live in a cave, I'm guessing youvoted for Ron Paul." –Stephen Colbert

"Mitt Romney issaying his comments about liking to fire people were taken out of context.Yeah, what he actually said was he likes to set poor people on fire."–Conan O'Brien

"In NewHampshire, the Republican primary election took place. New Hampshire votersgathered to decide which middle-aged white guy looked best in a pair of pleatedDockers." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Newt Gingrichthinks he's the man for the job. He got an important endorsement from SarahPalin's husband, Todd. He has the all-important 'snowmobilers who wearsunglasses indoors' demographic." –Jimmy Kimmel

"You know thedifference between Michele Bachmann, Rick Perry, and Tim Tebow? When God tellsTim Tebow to run, he wins." –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romneysays he understands the middle class, and that he knows it's not easy keeping aroof over your family's heads — as well as vacation roofs in San Diego, NewHampshire, and Park City, Utah." –Jay Leno

"Whilecampaigning yesterday, Jon Huntsman said he was 'ready to rock and roll.' Notto be outdone, Mitt Romney said he was ready to 'easy listen.'" –JimmyFallon

"During thedebates I drank a shot every time I heard the word 'contraception.' I was morewasted than a contribution to Jon Huntsman." –Stephen Colbert

January 6, 2012

2012-01-06T12:02:00.000-05:00

"Political analysts aresaying that Mitt Romney is having trouble generating enthusiasm among Iowavoters. Now, ladies and gentlemen, you know you have a problem when people inIowa find you dull." –Conan O'Brien

"Iowa is a state in theMidwest that manufactures pigs, corn and old people." –Conan O'Brien

"There's a plan for thePentagon to cut almost half a trillion dollars from the military. The Pentagonplans to pay for future wars by divorcing Kobe Bryant." –Conan O'Brien

"I hope you all had agood holiday. I was in Scotland. I enjoy going back to the country where I wasborn. That must be what it feels like when Barack Obama visits Kenya."–Craig Ferguson

"The new ruler of NorthKorea is Kim Jong Il's son. That's an amazing coincidence. The elections musthave gone very quickly." –Craig Ferguson

"The U.S. government isselling $30 billion worth of fighter jets to Saudi Arabia. Yeah, it’s part of anew initiative called, 'Operation Regret This In Five Years.'" –JimmyFallon

"2012 is supposed to bethe year the world ends. Have you seen the national debt? If the world doesn'tend, we are so screwed." –Jay Leno

"John McCain hasendorsed Mitt Romney for president. … Now, it didn’t help that McCain began hisendorsement by saying, ‘From the man who brought you Sarah Palin.'" –ConanO'Brien

"Mitt Romney won theIowa caucuses by defeating Rick Santorum by only eight votes. That's a record.To give you an idea of how close that is, if all of Newt Gingrich's ex-wivesvoted for Santorum, he would have won by 15." –Conan O'Brien

"Michele Bachmann pulledout of the presidential race and I just want to take a moment and say thatMichele gave us a lot of material over the last eight months." –ConanO'Brien

"How about that RickSantorum? He came in second because he is the anti-Romney. Wait a minute. I thoughtMitt Romney was the anti-Romney." –David Letterman

"So now that MicheleO'Bachmann is out, that leaves Mitt Romney with best hairdo." –DavidLetterman

"There's alreadycontroversy with the Iowa caucuses. About a half hour ago, they found eightmore votes for Al Gore." –David Letterman

"(Rick) Santorum did sowell, a restaurant in Boone, Iowa, named its chicken salad after him. They alsohave the Mitt Romney waffle, the Ron Paul cracker, and the Newt Gingrich chubbyhubby ice cream." –Jay Leno

"Rick Santorum'scampaign is celebrating the Iowa caucuses with a pizza party. Here's theembarrassing part: It was delivered by Herman Cain." –Jay Leno

"Rick Santorum lost by 8votes. He'd have won if he'd just gotten the gay vote." –Jay Leno

"Last night, Rick Perrysaid was quitting the race. But then this morning, he said he's staying in.Hmm. Going back on his word? Maybe he'd make a good president after all."–Craig Ferguson

October 14, 2011

2011-10-14T11:29:00.002-04:00

"The candidates at thelast Republican debate got to ask each other questions. Jon Huntsman asked,'Who am I?'" –David Letterman

"Rick Perry saidAmerica's revolutionary war was fought in the 16th century. When told it was actuallythe 18th century, Perry apologized and said, 'I never said I was a geologymajor.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Police were usingpepper spray on the Wall Street protesters. That's scary. What if they'respraying them with condiments so the rich people can enjoy eating them?"–Craig Ferguson

"The protests aregetting pretty rowdy. This morning, they overturned Donald Trump's hair and setit on fire." –Craig Ferguson

"President Obama hadbeer with four unemployed construction workers. And Obama asked the guys whatwas it like to lose their jobs, and they were like, 'Oh, you'll see.'"–Jimmy Fallon

"During the Republicandebate last night, Michele Bachmann said she has 28 children, five of her ownand 23 foster kids. It's all part of her new strategy: Adopting a majority ofvoters." –Jimmy Fallon

"One of the guys accusedof organizing the Iranian plot to kill the Saudi ambassador is a used carsalesman from Texas. Just when you thought terrorists couldn't get anylower." –Jay Leno

"Chris Christie has officiallyendorsed Mitt Romney for president. Christie said President Obama is 'shrinkingthe American pie.' And believe me, if there's one thing Christie hates, it's asmall pie." –Jay Leno

"Herman Cain said hewants people to know that there's more between his ears than pepperoni andpizza sauce. He says there's also a few napkins and crazy bread." –ConanO'Brien

"Tim Pawlenty says heregrets quitting the presidential race so early. He said that when he runs in2016, his campaign slogan will be, 'Tim Pawlenty: This Time I'll QuitLater.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Sarah Palin gave aspeech in South Korea. Just what the Koreans needed: Two crazy dictators infashionable lady's glasses." –Conan O'Brien

"Today New Jersey Gov.Chris Christie announced that he's endorsing Mitt Romney for president. It'sgood news for Romney. I mean, you always want Chris Christie on your side.Unless you're in a canoe." –Jimmy Fallon

"Some protesters broughttheir kids to the demonstrations. Some of the kids got bored and decided tooccupy Sesame Street instead." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Christopher Columbuswas an Italian explorer who came to exploit our native population and infectthem with smallpox. And 500 years later, we've exacted our revenge by sendingSnooki to Italy." –Jimmy Kimmel

"California had itsfirst medical marijuana job fair. Over 2 million people meant to show up."–Conan O'Brien

"Christopher Columbus,an Italian, moved to Spain and then discovered America, although many Americansbelieve he was actually born in Kenya." –David Letterman

"Rick Perry has admittedthat he's so tired that he can't sleep. He should listen to one of his ownspeeches." –David Letterman

"A team of Americanscientists just traveled to Russia to search for the Abominable Snowman. That'sright, a mythical creature who probably doesn't exist. Or as Republicans callthat, 'a presidential candidate.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Two Americans won theNobel Prize today, for economics. How crappy is the economy in the rest of theworld if America is winning the Nobel Prize for economics?" –Jay Leno

“We found out why Sarah Palinwon't run for president. She heard the job lasts four years." –Jay Leno

"Chris Christieannounced he would not enter the race. In a statement he said 'Look at me. Do Ilook like I'm ready to race anyone?'" –Bill Maher

"Rick Perry has fallenway down. He's got a new ad campaign where he says Mitt Romney is a carbon copyof Obama. Yes, that has always been Mitt Romney's problem. He's just tooblack." –Bill Maher

"Hank Williams Jr. gothis ass kicked off of Monday Night Football. His crime was comparing Obama toHitler on Fox News. Or as it used to be called, 'The Glenn Beck Show."–Bill Maher

"Rick Perry assured HankWilliams that he has a job singing theme songs once Texas starts televisingexecutions." –Bill Maher

"There's a proposal inCongress to allow rich people who feel they don't pay enough income tax tovoluntarily pay more. Economists say this could bring in as much as $75 ayear." –Jay Leno

"This week ArnoldSchwarzenegger dedicated a museum in Austria devoted to him. Kids get in freeif they turn out to be his." –Jay Leno

"Here's why Sarah Palinsays she won't be running for president. She says she can be more effective atgetting others elected by not running. And I thought, well, that's true,because in 2008 she got Obama elected." –David Letterman

"The economy's so bad, Iwas in Central Park today. I saw pigeons feeding old people. To save money wehad to fire two writers, so this joke I'm in the middle of right now has nopunch line." –David Letterman

"Ben Bernanke told acongressional committee that the economic recovery is close to faltering. Onthe bright side, most Americans won't be affected because we had no idea therewas a recovery." –Jay Leno

"A new poll shows only 3percent strongly approve of the job Congress is doing, with a margin of errorof 4 percent, so it's possible that 'less than no one' thinks they're doing agood job." –Jay Leno

September 30, 2011

2011-09-30T12:01:00.000-04:00

Republicans are havingtrouble luring Gov. Chris Christie into the presidential race. They should trypie." –David Letterman

"Herman Cain won theRepublican straw poll in Florida. Cain has had more wins in Florida this yearthan the Miami Dolphins." –Jay Leno

"Obama was heckled bysomeone who said, 'Don't forget about medical marijuana.' The Secret Servicehas narrowed the suspects down to everyone in L.A." –Conan O'Brien

"New Jersey Gov. ChrisChristie vetoed a tax break for 'Jersey Shore.' The veto made Snooki so angrythat she turned orange-red." –Conan O'Brien

"You want to add anothercandidate? It's like the Republican primary is a season of 'American Idol' inreverse, where every week you just add some new idiot… Have you ever consideredthe possibility that your candidates aren’t the problem — it's you?" –JonStewart to the GOP base

"It's like your idealcandidate is a rare super-heavy element that could only exist in a particularparticle accelerator. And even then, only for a fraction of a second, beforeyou all remembered how much you hate science. You guys need to take a long hardlook in the mirror, and not come away thinking, "You know, there'ssomething wrong with this mirror." –Jon Stewart

"Rick Perry did so badlyat the last debate, that President Obama turned to Michelle and said, 'Honey,you can stop packing.'" –David Letterman

"Perry said he didn't dowell because he was exhausted. Sure, he's exhausted from executing all thosepeople." –David Letterman

"President Obama was inSan Diego and traffic was a huge mess. There was even a three-hour backuptunneling in from Mexico." –Jay Leno

"Obama says he will bereforming No Child Left Behind. That's not to be confused with Michelle Obama'schildhood obesity campaign, 'No Child Left With a Big Behind.'" –Jay Leno

"President Obama andBill Clinton played golf together. You know what you’d get if you crossed Obamaand Clinton? Tiger Woods." –Jay Leno

"Arnold Schwarzeneggerhas commissioned an 8-foot bronze sculpture of himself. There’s even going tobe a maid in charge of polishing it." –Jimmy Fallon

"If you're keeping scoreat home, they have now applauded executions at the Republican debate, they havecheered letting an uninsured man die, and they booed an active duty U.S.serviceman for being gay. I don’t know how you get to the right with this crowdbut Ron Paul’s new campaign ad is just the Rodney King beating to the sound ofchildren laughing." –Bill Maher

"Larry Flynt is offering$1 million if someone came up with proof that Rick Perry had an illicit sexualliaison. But I say, Larry, really we don't have to do that. We already came upwith a way to embarrass Rick Perry. It's called debates." –Bill Maher

"Did you see theRepublican debate last night? It was brought to you by FOX and Google. I thinkthat makes sense that they were working together because Google is what peoplego to, to fact check the bullshit that comes out of FOX." –Bill Maher

"Rick Perry did lookdumb. I'm beginning to think that “Texas Miracle” was him getting out of highschool." –Bill Maher

"You gotta love SarahPalin. She is now on her website asking her idiot fan base for donations forher to help make a decision about whether or not to run. She wants money nowfor just thinking? What a grifter." –Bill Maher

"Pakistan warned theUnited States to stop the rhetoric against their country or 'they will lose anally.' Pakistan could become an enemy harboring terrorists – as opposed to anally harboring terrorists." –Jay Leno

"There was another bigRepublican debate tonight in Orlando, Fla. This one was sponsored by Google,which is tricky for Rick Perry because he's a yahoo." –Jay Leno

"Bad day for the stockmarket. It's down nearly 400 points. They're calling it the worst Septembermeltdown since the Red Sox." –Jay Leno

"Arnold Schwarzeneggerannounced that he'll be publishing a memoir. It will be available in hardcover,paperback, and a book on tape that's impossible to understand." –ConanO'Brien

"At the U.N. todayMahmoud Ahmadinejad gave a speech and a lot of delegates walked out, justbefore he really tore into Netflix." –Conan O'Brien

"Sarah Palin's websitesent out an email to her supporters hinting that if they send her enough money,she'll run for president. I need this woman to run. This kind of materialdoesn't just show up every day." –Craig Ferguson

David Letterman's Top TenSigns The Rick Perry Campaign Is In Trouble

10. Lost support from bothwhack jobs and nut jobs

9. At debates, he mostly goeswith, 'That's what she said'

8. Downgraded from campaignbus to cheaper campaign Vespa scooter

7. He's too mitty for Newtsupporters, too newty for Mitt supporters

6. His new slogan: 'C'mon!'

5. Advisers are thinking ofreplacing him with Luke Perry

4. Just went hiking on theborder of Iraq and Iran

3. Even his wife is wearing a'Herman Cain' button

2. Instead of 'Freedom' and'Liberty,' his cowboy boots read 'It's' and 'Over'

1. Even Michele O'Bachmannthinks he's nuts

September 23, 2011

2011-09-23T08:48:00.000-04:00

"The Tea Party isforming its own debt super committee that will meet this week at a FloridaDenny's. You do not want to be the waiter that adds the tax to theircheck." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama'shometown newspaper, the Chicago Tribune has called on Obama not to run forre-election. He has to run. He knows there are no other jobs out there."–Jay Leno

"President Obamaaddressed the United Nations General Assembly. He opened up with a joke: 'TheAmerican dollar is strong.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Steven Spielberg isgoing to release a biopic about Abraham Lincoln next year. Right, that's a goodway to honor Lincoln – by sending people to the theater." –Jimmy Fallon

"Obama says his new planto raise taxes on millionaires is not class warfare, it's math. We Americanshate class warfare, but we also hate math." –Jay Leno

"Since when does mathsettle anything? Like evolution, I believe math is just a theory."–Stephen Colbert

"Congress' approvalrating has dropped to 12 percent. The other 88 percent are withholding judgmentuntil Congress actually does something." –Jay Leno

"A new survey shows that1 in 5 Americans believe that God steers the economy. Mystery solved: God isChinese." –Conan O'Brien

"A satellite is nowheaded toward earth and the people at NASA have no idea where it will land. Howwould they know? It's not like they're rocket scientists." –DavidLetterman

"President Obama isspeaking to the General Assembly tomorrow and he's expected to urge thedelegates to fight global warming, reduce poverty, and find out what the heckis happening at Netflix." –Craig Ferguson

"The military'scontroversial 'don't ask, don't tell' policy was officially retired. This marksa new age of tolerance, acceptance, and awkward showering for everyone in themilitary." –Jimmy Kimmel

"I think this will havean effect on our enemies. Be warned, evildoers. First we will defeat you, thenwe will redecorate your entire country." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama hasproposed a new tax increase called the 'Buffett rule.' At first, Newt Gingrichwas for it because he thought it was the 'buffet rule.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Michelle Obama hasconvinced the owners of the Olive Garden to cut calories and sodium by 20percent. They took the first lady's advice because Michelle Obama is moreItalian than anybody that works at the Olive Garden." –Conan O'Brien

"All the world leadersat the United Nations agree on one thing: Superman has got to do more."–David Letterman

“Are you watching thesedebates? Yes, the politicians are bad, but the people who egg them on. Thereare these crowds cheering for executions, cheering for letting people withouthealth insurance die. In today’s Republican party, there's a term for peoplewho hate charity and love killing: Christian. ... These are Christians? Theyprefer to be called a faith-based lynch mob.” –Bill Maher

“Wolf Blitzer asked Ron Paulwhat should we do about someone who is 30 years old, doesn’t have healthinsurance, and goes into a comma, and might die. And Ron Paul said somethingabout, 'Well, I miss the old days when people just took care of each other.'Well, that’s good news. If you're in Texas and get hit by a bus, a nun will putleeches on your forehead." –Bill Maher

“Between Ron Paul and RickPerry, I think the lesson is don't get sick in Texas.” –Bill Maher

“Four people in Texas gotbotulism from black tar heroin. And Michele Bachmann said, ‘Thank God at leastit wasn’t a vaccination.” –Bill Maher

“Protecting young girls fromcervical cancer? Rick Perry left himself vulnerable to charges of having a tinyspeck of humanity, which is very bad for a Republican candidate. So heannounced a new policy for Texas. For every child who gets the HPV vaccine, hewill execute two Mexicans.” –Bill Maher

“After the debate where theHPV issue came up, Michele Bachmann said she had a discussion with a woman who came to her and said that herdaughter had taken the vaccine and had become mentally retarded. And MicheleBachmann said, 'Mom?'" –Bill Maher

“Rick Perry said, 'I onlytook $5,000 from Merck. Are you saying I can be bought for $5,000? I'moffended.’ This is how degraded our politics are. How dare you call me a cheapwhore. I will have you know I'm a high-priced whore.” –Bill Maher

“A new book came out aboutSarah Palin by Joe McGinnis. He claims some unbelievable, outrageous thingsabout Sarah Palin – like she smoked pot, she snorted coke off an oil drum, shehad an affair with her husband’s business partner, she had a thing for blackmen and f**ked NBA star Glenn Rice. And his most amazing, outrageous claim?That in 2008 some nitwit tried to make her vice president.” –Bill Maher

“By the way, this guy whoapparently had sex with her in 1997, NBA star Glenn Rice. Glenn, if you'rewatching, a little advice for you. Next time you f**k someone's brains out, putthem back in.” –Bill Maher

"On Tuesday, MichelleObama honored the creator of the Verdana computer font for his life's work.Yeah, she also honored the creator of Courier New for making my college essayslook two to three pages longer." –Jimmy Fallon

"Another Sarah Palindocumentary is coming out from the man who did 'Biggie and Tupac.' The Palindocumentary is similar, but with more guns." –Conan O'Brien

September 16, 2011

2011-09-16T12:49:00.000-04:00

"A law signed by ArnoldSchwarzenegger will soon release thousands of female prisoners. The man’s agenius. Soon thousands of women who haven’t been with a man for years will befree and thinking they owe Arnold a favor." –Conan O'Brien

"A Republican is goingto be filling Anthony Weiner’s Congressional seat, but not before thoroughlywiping it down." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Taco Bell is producttesting a new taco with a shell made of a giant Dorito. Michelle Obama spentthe morning watering the White House garden with her tears." –Jimmy Kimmel

"People are blamingPresident Obama for Republicans winning a Congressional seat in New York, but Isay, like the face of a guy who passes out at a frat party, this one has Weinerwritten all over it." –Jimmy Fallon

"The government is aboutto release a report on what went wrong during the BP oil spill. Or as fish putit, 'Hey, no rush.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Some Tea Party membersat the Republican debate cheered the idea of a sick uninsured person being leftto die. In fairness, the person in question was one of the moms from 'Toddlers& Tiaras.'" –Conan O'Brien

"The U.S. Census Bureaureports that American homes are 650 square feet larger today than they were in1980. Unfortunately, so are most Americans." –Conan O'Brien

"Threatening messageswere posted on the White House Facebook page. Secret Service takes this veryseriously and they're warning that whoever is responsible runs the risk ofbeing unfriended." –Jay Leno

"Obama says the jobsbill will be paid for. I don't like this focus on paying for things. That'swhat future generations are for." –Jimmy Kimmel

"My guest tonight is AlGore, unless the Supreme Court decides it should be someone else."–Stephen Colbert

"President Obamadescribed himself as an eternal optimist. He then explained that he's the kindof person that sees the country as 'half employed.'" –Conan O'Brien

"A man wearing an Obamamask robbed a bank. Either that or Obama has an exciting new plan to reduce thedeficit." –Conan O'Brien

"It's being reportedthat Rick Perry met his wife when they were in elementary school. There wasanother boy that liked her too but Perry had him executed." – ConanO'Brien

"The Republican debatewas up against Monday night football. It was like NFL vs. LOL." –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney said thatPresident Obama, does not understand that the president doesn't create jobs.Then Romney went on to explain his plan to create jobs once he's electedpresident." –Jay Leno

"The economy is so badthat in Texas Rick Perry had to execute convicts just by throwing a toaster inthe bath tub! That's how bad." –Jay Leno

"If the Tea Party caredabout us they wouldn't have scheduled their debate against the opening night offootball, especially the Patriots. That's something Kenyans would do."–Jimmy Kimmel

"The moderators wereWolf Blitzer and Larry the Cable Guy. Rick Santorum won the swimsuitcompetition. Michele Bachmann won Miss Crazyality." –Jimmy Kimmel

"According to a newpoll, only 55 percent of Americans think President Obama is intelligent. Yeah,that may not sound impressive, but it's up 55 percent over the lastpresident." –Jimmy Fallon

"Michele Bachmann saidshe would do away with the Department of Education if elected president. Infact, if there's no Department of Education, it would make it easier for her tobe elected." –Jay Leno

"Bachmann's campaignmanager stepped down, her deputy campaign manager left, and God hasn't calledher in weeks." –Jay Leno

"Ricki Lake injured hershin while practicing for “Dancing with the Stars.” It was pretty serious. Shewas hobbling around the dance floor like Bristol Palin." –Jay Leno

"President Obama said'No single individual built America on their own.' When she heard that, SarahPalin was like, 'Hello? Paul Bunyan?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Michele Bachmann is forpeople who find Sarah Palin too intellectual. She is pure. She is alwayscompletely fact-free. She said the Founding Fathers worked tirelessly untilthey got rid of slavery. So from now on Thomas Jefferson’s slaves will be knownas friends with benefits." –Bill Maher, on Jay Leno

"The biggest applauseline of the night was the mere mention that Rick Perry had executed 234 people.Holy f**kballs." –Jon Stewart, on the Republican presidential debate

"Tomorrow is Bring YourSon or Daughter to the Unemployment Office Day." –David Letterman

"Rick Perry said heunderstands healthcare because his wife is a nurse. He also says he understandsterrorism because he watched all the seasons of '24.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Rick Perry and MittRomney squared off at the Republican debate. The only thing they agreed on was'shampoo, rinse, and repeat.'" –Jay Leno

"Don't they look liketwo guys waiting to audition for the same part in a soap opera?" –Jay Leno

"You know what is reallycool about the Reagan Library? They have Air Force One – Reagan's actual Air ForceOne – parked right inside the building. You get the feeling that's about asclose to Air Force One as any of those candidates are ever going to get."–Jay Leno

"Perry used to be aDemocrat. But then again, Barack Obama used to be a Democrat too." –JayLeno

"Michele Bachmann saidthat she can get us back to two dollar gas. Please! The only place you can gettwo dollar gas is Taco Bell." –Jay Leno

"According to the latestL.A. Times poll, 75% of Californians believe the country is headed in the wrongdirection. And 60% of Californians are so disillusioned, they're thinking aboutmoving back to Mexico." –Jay Leno

"President Obama plansto create thousands of new jobs by replacing all automobile GPS systems withreal people who sit in the back seat with a map." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The president said weneed more products stamped 'Made in America.' OK, let's get the Chinese to geta stamp that says 'Made in America.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Tonight was PresidentObama's jobs speech and the NFL season opener. Which explains why Biden gotconfused and dumped Gatorade on President Obama." –Jimmy Fallon

September 9, 2011

2011-09-09T09:15:00.000-04:00

"People are saying thatRick Perry is really tough because he has executed over 200 people. And thatwas just while he was on vacation in Florida." –Conan O'Brien

"The oil industry saidif they were allowed to drill more, they could create over a million new jobs.Of course most of those jobs would be cleaning oil off ducks." –ConanO'Brien

"Homeland Security saysyou may no longer have to remove your shoes when you fly. Welcome to the goldenage of travel." –David Letterman

"The Republican debatewas on earlier tonight. Side effects may include nausea, vomiting and sexualdysfunction." –David Letterman

"During the Republicandebate, every time they mentioned Ronald Reagan, I ate a jelly bean. And now Ihave type 2 diabetes." –Jimmy Kimmel

"This is the firstdebate Rick Perry has participated in since he announced his candidacy. Perryis a mix between George W. Bush and Yosemite W. Sam." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Sarah Palin ran anunannounced half marathon in Iowa. Wait, did she run a half marathon or runhalf a marathon and quit? Is there anything Sarah Palin can’t do half of?"–Jimmy Kimmel

"The Republican debategot pretty heated. They spent most of their time arguing over who God calledfirst." –Jay Leno

"Michele Bachmann saidthat if she is elected president, she would consider eliminating the Departmentof Education because 'the states could do a gooder job.'" –Jay Leno

"Sunday is the 10thanniversary of 9/11, which means it can only be another 5 years before wediscover Saddam Hussein’s WMDs." –Stephen Colbert

"According to the latestpoll, a record 73 percent of Americans think the country is headed in the wrongdirection. But the good news: Gas is so expensive that we'll never getthere." –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney revealed a59-point job plan at a big auto dealership. That shows you how smart Romney is.He knows that a politician only looks honest when he's standing next to a carsalesman." –Jay Leno

"One of PresidentObama's speech writers quit his job to pursue his dream of writing comedy. Sonow, he's a speech writer for Michele Bachmann." –Conan O'Brien

"The Los Angeles Dodgersmay be bought by Chinese investors. Finally, something China is not going towin at." –Conan O'Brien

"George W. Bush's niecewas married over the weekend. The wedding was rodeo-themed, just like Bush'spresidency." –David Letterman

"Labor Day is whenAmericans take three days off from looking for work." –David Letterman

"President Obama's unclewas arrested for a DUI. His alcohol level was actually higher than Obama'sapproval rating." –David Letterman

"New York City hadearthquakes and hurricanes, but that's the price you pay for living in anisland paradise." –David Letterman

"President Obama's unclehas been arrested on suspicion of drunk driving. Remember when the mostembarrassing person in the president's life was Joe Biden?" –Jay Leno

"I read Dick Cheney'sbook. … If you want the book, in the bookstore go past the self-help section.It’s in the self-serving section." –Jay Leno

"The CIA is hopingMoammar Gadhafi's weapons don't fall into the wrong hands. Weren't they alreadyin the wrong hands?" –David Letterman

"The Justice Dept istrying to block the merger between AT&T and T-Mobile. It's only fairbecause AT&T keeps blocking the mergers between me and the people I try tocall." –Jimmy Fallon

"In a new interview,President Obama said Ben Franklin is the Founding Father he would most like tomeet. Meanwhile, Joe Biden said that Panthro is the ThunderCat he would mostlike to meet." –Jimmy Fallon

"The earthquake lastweek caused cracks in the Washington Monument. Experts say it's the biggestcrack problem in D.C. since Marion Barry." –Jay Leno

"Dick 'Kaboom' Cheneyhas written a book, and he says he wouldn't change anything. He feels stronglyabout this. He'd still invade the wrong country." –David Letterman

"Cheney says he wrotethe memoir because friends encouraged him to do it. This guy has friends?"–David Letterman

August 26, 2011

2011-08-26T09:07:00.002-04:00

(It is the rerun season, so not that many new jokes-Blogger)

"Yesterday, earthquake; today, hurricane. Where do you go next — Tripoli?" –David Letterman

"The earthquake was so strong that the Tea Party shifted to the center." –David Letterman

"On the bright side, I didn’t have to shake my morning martini." –David Letterman

"They traced the epicenter of the earthquake to N.J. Governor Chis Christie’s aerobics class." –David Letterman

"Today Mitt Romney announced he’s building a $12-million beach house in California. There’s a man who can read the mood of the country." –David Letterman

"President Obama is enjoying the fun and sun in Martha’s Vineyard. It’s really sad when your SPF factor is higher than your approval rating." –David Letterman

"A guy last week put a fatwa out on me. CBS has been great. When they heard about it, they started holding auditions for my replacement." –David Letterman

"Tonight you people are more to me than an audience. You’re more like a human shield." –David Letterman

"The east coast is still cleaning up after the earthquake. Experts say this only happens once a century. It’s Larry King’s third." –Craig Ferguson

"Apparently there’s a crack in the Washington Monument. Calm down, Marion Barry, I said 'a crack.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Gaddafi's sons are getting arrested. A revolution is not the best time to be a dictator’s sons, or as they’re called in Libya, dictator tots. It’s tater tots with a “dic” in front." –Craig Ferguson

"Yesterday a brawl broke out during a Joe Biden speech in China. Evidently, somebody blocked the exit, and people panicked." –Conan O'Brien

"The White House is pointing out that all presidents take vacation. Teddy Roosevelt took trips to Long Island, Harry Truman would go to Key West, and George Bush would go to Legoland." –Conan O'Brien

"Some people think Gadhafi will go into exile somewhere harmless where we can keep an eye on him. I’m thinking 'Dancing With the Stars.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Tripoli has fallen. S&P now calls it only double-E plus." -Blogger

August 19, 2011

2011-08-19T11:51:00.001-04:00

"Obama said the housing market may not pick up again for another year or longer. On the bright side, President Obama now has nine people interested in his house." –Conan O'Brien

"Michele Bachmann said that when she is president, gas prices will come down to less than $2 a gallon. When asked how she’ll make that happen, she said she'll hunt down the CEO of Exxon and stare at him." –Conan O'Brien

"A new survey has Rick Perry ahead of Mitt Romney by 11 points, and Michele Bachmann is five points behind him. I think it’s going to come down to who wears the most flag pins." –Jimmy Kimmel

‎"There is no coordination between Colbert Super PAC and the Perry campaign; that would be wrong and illegal. They are as separate as church and state under a Perry Administration." -- Stephen Colbert

"Michele Bachmann wished Elvis Presley a happy birthday even though it's actually the anniversary of his death. When told about the mistake, Bachmann said, 'My apologies to Elvis, and the entire Costello family.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Mitt Romney said he was in Iowa when he was actually in New Hampshire. He explained, 'I accidentally mixed up my sea of white people.'" –Conan O'Brien

"A study showed that every hour of TV you watch after the age of 25 shortens your life by 22 minutes. That doesn't sound too bad to me. You'd probably watch TV with that 22 minutes anyway." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama is riding around the Midwest in a bus, because nothing inspires confidence in the American economy like a President riding around in a bus. The President should be on a jet-ski with a machine gun." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama’s new slogan is: 'I Thought We Could, but It Turns Out the Other Guys Are Assholes.'" –Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart, riffing on Rick Perry's remark that Americans should want a president who's "in love" with America:

"You want a president who would, in a rainstorm, grab America's hand and take shelter with America in a nearby barn. Maybe help America out of its wet clothes. Maybe lay America down on some hay bales. And then, as America and Rick Perry become one, the sounds of their lovemaking merging with the thunderstorm's cacophony, the barn shutters rattling, the livestock, the livestock they want to look away but they can't, their eyes are transfixed. I am Rick Perry and, unlike Barack Obama, I will f*ck the shit out of America."

"Tim Pawlenty announced that he's dropping out of the race for president. Pawlenty said he wants to spend more time with his family because even they don't know who he is." –Conan O'Brien

"Republican Congressman Phil Hinkle, who voted to ban gay marriage, was caught propositioning a male prostitute. Hinkle said, 'Well, I wasn’t going to marry him.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Michelle Bachmann paid $30 each for 6,000 voting tickets in Iowa and got 4,800 votes, so 1,200 people stole her $30. It’s funny that someone who doesn’t believe in government handouts paid 6,000 people to vote for her." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Now that Pawlenty is out, the big question is whether Bachmann or Perry will get his supporter." –Stephen Colbert

"Michele Bachmann was asked if she was a submissive wife. She said no, but her husband is." –Jay Leno

"The Republicans had their big debate in Iowa. You know who the winner was? Anyone that didn't watch." –Jay Leno

"Newt Gingrich made a surprise announcement. He’s still in the race." –Jay Leno

"It's the 76th anniversary of Social Security. I mention it because there's no guarantee that there will be a 77th." –Jay Leno

"The federal government has a new plan that will let people send texts to 911. Yeah, it's a little frustrating when you try to text 'Burglar! Please hurry!,' and it auto-corrects to 'Burger, please. Hungry.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The FCC says you will soon be able to send text messages to 911. I'm sure 911 operators can't wait to get texts that say, 'Being carjacked, LOL.'" –Conan O'Brien

"During a call with investors, Rupert Murdoch said that News Corp made $2.7 billion last year. Murdoch said if investors had any questions, they should contact him by leaving a message on their own voicemails." –Jimmy Fallon

"Sarah Palin is bringing her bus to Iowa. She's not going to be part of the debate, just close enough to drown it out. I swear she's going to run for Mayor of Cockblockington." –Jon Stewart

‎‎"Yes, corporations are people, my friend. They're like members of your family. Your Brother fax machine, your Uncle Ben, your Auntie Anne, your Mama Celeste, your Go Daddy." –Stephen Colbert

‎"The new specialty at the Iowa fair this year is fried butter on a stick. Of course, if you're like me and you want like to eat healthy, get your stick of butter baked." –Jay Leno

August 12, 2011

2011-08-12T11:54:00.000-04:00

"Fox News will host the next Republican primary debate on Aug. 11 in Iowa. Yeah, Fox News will ask some tough questions, like 'How much better are you than Obama,' 'Why is Obama such a bad president,' and 'Man, can you believe we elected that guy?" –Jimmy Fallon

"There was a big 50th birthday party for President Obama in Chicago. It was kind of ironic at the party; the richest 1% of the guests took 42% of the cake. That was kind of interesting." –Jay Leno

"Because it's the big 5-0, the White House released his vital numbers: they say his cholesterol is 209, blood pressure's 105 over 62, but the number that is really going to kill him? Unemployment at 9.4%. That's the bad one." –Jay Leno

"Obama told his supporters that we've got Al Qaeda on the run. Apparently, Al Qaeda was in the stock market too." –Jay Leno

"It's being rumored that former Congressman Anthony Weiner, 'the peter Tweeter,' is being considered as a contestant on 'Dancing with the Stars.' The producers haven't told him one way or the other whether he's going to get the job. Anthony Weiner is not the kind of guy you want to leave dangling." –Jay Leno

"Several Fox News hosts criticized 'Spongebob Squarepants' for pushing a global warming agenda. Then things got really ugly when they demanded to see 'Dora the Explorer's' immigration papers." –Conan O'Brien

"John Boehner bragged that he got 98% of what he wanted from Obama in the deal. So contrary to popular belief, black does crack." –Bill Maher

"Congress has the lowest approval rating ever. 82 percent of the American people say Congress sucks. But to be fair, these are the same idiots who voted these people in, so they can go suck it as far as I'm concerned." –Bill Maher

"The Dow went down 500 points. Standard & Poor's downgraded us. Moody’s turned us from AAA to WTF." –Bill Maher

"Think how far Obama has come. Not long ago, a lot of people in this country thought he was a secret Kenyan, or a secret Muslim. Now we know he's a secret Republican." –Bill Maher

"In the movie 'Rise of the Planet of the Apes,' not only do the apes take over, but they actually do a better job with the debt crisis than humans." –Jay Leno

"A new study found that presidents age two times faster than normal people while they're in office. Or as John McCain put it, 'Whew — good thing I lost!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"They say the price of gas could soon be under $3 a gallon. Do you know what that means? You can now afford to drive by the house you used to live in, go by the job you used to have, and go see the bank where you used to have money." –Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin's daughter-in-law just gave birth three months after getting married, and thus won the annual Palin Almost Abstinent Award." –Jay Leno

"There have been huge riots in England the past couple of days. People are fighting, throwing rocks, smashing windows. And they're doing it the hard way, without a soccer game." –Jay Leno

"Here's what I don't understand about rioting. If you're going to destroy a city for no reason, why destroy your own city? Move one city over." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Republican presidential candidate Jon Huntsman announced that he received the endorsement of Jeb Bush, Jr., who is the son of the brother of the former president. Analysts say he's sewn up the crucial 'guy you didn't know existed' vote." –Conan O'Brien

"Financial analysts are worried that we may be headed for a double-dip recession. That sounds delicious to me." –Jimmy Kimmel

"A new study shows that Americans with Type 2 diabetes can completely reverse the disease by eating healthy foods. In other words, no cure for Type 2 diabetes." –Conan O'Brien

"'Rise of the Planet of the Apes' made $54 million this weekend. It's about small-brained creatures who rise up and take over the Earth. First they form political groups called Tea Parties." –Jay Leno

"Big riots in the United Kingdom. Do you know how you can tell the riots are in London? Because there they riot on the other side of the street." –Jay Leno

"A 61-year-old woman ended her attempt to swim from Havana to Florida. She stopped when she realized how bad the American economy was, and started swimming in the other direction. –Jay Leno

"Donald Trump told CNN he may consider getting back into the presidential race. He said he has to mull it over, comb it over, and he'll go from there." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Been a tough year for the NY Yankees, lost all 4 series vs the Red Sox. So today S&P downgraded the Yankees to the Mets." –Jimmy Fallon

"By the way, the ratings agency is Standard & Poor's. Who's going to listen to a company whose name translates to Average & Below Average?" –Jon Stewart

"I don't know why Timothy Geithner would quit working at the Treasury. It must be an easy job now, especially since there's no money in it." –Jay Leno

"Only a couple of days until the big Republican Iowa Republican straw poll. Pollsters say it's a dead heat between the guy you never heard of, the guy who used to be somebody, and the woman who has no chance of winning." –Jay Leno

"A new poll shows that disapproval of Congress is at an all-time high. Eighty-two percent of Americans disapprove of the job Congress is doing and the other 18 percent weren't home when the question was asked." –Jimmy Kimmel

August 5, 2011

2011-08-05T09:15:00.001-04:00

"One of the leading Tea Partiers, Congressman Joe Walsh, he famously went on YouTube and wagged his finger at Obama and said, 'Have you no shame, Mr. President?' It turns out he is $117,000 delinquent in his child support. Have you irony, Mr. Congressman? He had an excuse. He said his kids don't have a child support problem; they have a spending problem." –Bill Maher

"The Republicans attached 39 riders to the bill repealing environmental protection laws. One of them forbade the government to add any more animals to the endangered species list. Sorry, woodpeckers, but once we get rid of Social Security the old people are going to have to eat something." –Bill Maher

"The essence of the problem is something I've been saying for years. One party has no brains; the other party has no balls. Is it really too much to ask that there be one party with both?" –Bill Maher

"By midweek the Democrats had given to the Republicans more than they originally asked for when these negotiations started. The Republicans still wouldn't take it. The Democrats -- getting rid of the Bush tax cuts? No, that's off the table. Limiting deductions on corporate jets? No, off the table. Ending subsidies for oil companies? Off the table. The only thing that is on the table is the Democrats, bent over." –Bill Maher

"Someone said President Obama was wrong for telling the American people to call their representatives about the debt ceiling. If there's one thing that congressmen hate, it's being told what to do by the people that put them there." –Jay Leno

"Only 17% of Americans believe the country is headed in the right direction. Which makes me think it might be time for a woman President. At least a woman would stop and ask for directions." –Jay Leno

"House Speaker John Boehner is urging Republicans to support his bill by telling them to get their asses in line. That's what he said -- get their asses in line. This is typical Washington -- if it's not Obama kissing Wall Street's ass, it's Boehner kicking ass, or it's Congressman David Wu grabbing ass. They're a bunch of asses." –Jay Leno

"After two weeks in the theaters, the documentary about Sarah Palin called 'Undefeated' ...not doing well...barely made $100,000. I'm not saying Sarah Palin's movie is a bomb, but today Al Qaeda tried to take credit." –Jay Leno

"New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie was rushed to the hospital when he felt he couldn't breathe. Doctors said the condition is called 'living in New Jersey.'" –Jay Leno

"Thirty-three soldiers from the Mexican army were allowed to return home after accidentally crossing the border into the United States. That's how bad things are. People are only crossing the border accidentally." –Conan O'Brien

"According to a recent survey, kids are receiving an average of 40 cents less from the tooth fairy. That's right, the economy is so bad that even make-believe people are feeling the pinch." –Conan O'Brien

"A man jumped the White House fence, but after a brief chase, the Secret Service was able to talk President Obama into coming back and finishing his term." –Conan O'Brien

"I see Congress more as a bunch of monkeys. High-fiving each other in celebration, having forgotten that mere moments ago they were throwing their own feces." –Daily Show correspondent Jason Jones

"Happy birthday to President Obama, who is turning 50, although Republicans in Congress are demanding he cut his age to 40." –Jimmy Kimmel

"While eating at a burger place , President Obama gave a free milkshake to an 11-year-old boy. Not to be nice, he just wanted to get rid of it because he saw Michelle coming." –Jimmy Fallon

‎"I don't believe in birth control. If you want to control your fertility, do it the way God intended: with a cold, loveless marriage." –Stephen Colbert

"The world's 7 billionth person is expected to be born in India in October. He's also expected to look a lot like Arnold Schwarzenegger." –Conan O'Brien

"To give you an idea how bad our credit is, I'll just say that if Obama asked China for another loan he has to get his mother-in-law to co-sign." –Jay Leno

"For months the Democrats said they would only go along with spending cuts that hurt the middle class if the wealthy were also asked to share the burden. Of course the Democrats wimped out. Did you hear their answer? 'Well, we asked the wealthy, but they said no.'" –Jay Leno

‎"We finally have a debt deal. See what happens when the two parties put aside their principles and do what is best for them personally?" –Jay Leno

"It's what they call a 'two-step' deal. It steps on the middle class and the lower class." –Jay Leno

"President Obama changed his slogan from 'Yes we can,' to 'Yes we cave.'" –Jay Leno

"The Tea Party is not happy with the deal. Everything they wanted is not enough." –David Letterman

"McDonald's is planning to open a restaurant every day in China for the next four years. It's nice — When kids get their Happy Meal toy, they're like, 'Cool! I made this.'" –Jimmy Fallon

July 29, 2011

2011-07-29T10:47:00.000-04:00

"In Washington, the air quality today was described as 'red.' I'd never heard that. 'Red,' somewhere between smog and barbeque sauce. You know what 'red' is? It's bad for everyone, not just old people, sick people and babies. When it's just bad for old people, sick people and babies, that's called a Republican budget." –Bill Maher

"Obama said he had been left at the altar a couple of times. And he asked a great question. He said, 'Can they say yes to anything?" A Democrat now has offered cuts in Medicaid, Medicare, Social Security, and the Republicans still said 'no.' What is the Democrats' next offer? Kansas goes back to being a slave state? Obama moves back to Kenya?" –Bill Maher

"Did you see Rupert Murdoch testifying before parliament in London this week. And his Chinese-born ninja wife? Did you see that, when the guy had the pie and she sprung into action? That's what I call a tiger MILF. That's the mystery of Asians to me. Lightening quick with cat-like reflexes, until they get behind the wheel." –Bill Maher

"In a new interview, President Obama said he wants a 'debt ceiling deal' for his 50th birthday. Then he was like, 'But if I can’t have that – iPad.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"In China they say piracy is so rampant that there are at least three fake Apple stores. It’s hard to put these people out of the business. If China arrests them for selling fake Apple products, they'll be sent to prison where they will be forced to make real Apple products." –Jay Leno

"I gotta say, of all my issues with Michele Bachmann's brain, migraines are not even in the top 20." –Jon Stewart

"The heat index in Washington, D.C. was 114 degrees. Maybe the world actually did end in May and the people in Washington are actually in hell." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Republicans are blaming President Obama for bringing the heat from his native Kenya." –Jimmy Kimmel

"It's so hot that people are standing next to Rupert Murdoch just to be near something shady." –Jay Leno

"A couple of people who worked for the presidential candidate Michele Bachmann say that she gets these chronic migraines. That's been the story. To derail her candidacy a lot of people are trying to make it like it's a female thing, cause she gets these headaches. It's not. President Obama also has a chronic headache. It's called Joe Biden." –Jay Leno

"Texas Governor Rick Perry now says his wife has been encouraging him to run for President. Remember first he told us God told him to run; now his wife is telling him to run. Of course, the big difference; if you ignore what God says you don't have to hear about it until the afterlife. That's the only difference." –Jay Leno

"A new study found that only 20 percent of high school seniors are proficient in geography. Students weren't really bothered by that number because only 3 percent of them are proficient in math." –Jimmy Fallon

"Jeb Bush may run for President. Bush Presidencies are like 'Caddyshack' movies. They should have stopped with one." –David Letterman

"In his speech, President Obama said that 'compromise' has become a dirty word. Then he told Republicans to go compromise themselves." –Conan O'Brien

"McDonald's has added apple slices to their Happy Meals. Then an hour later, McDonald's added cheese and beef to their apple slices." –Conan O'Brien

"We are $14 trillion in debt. To understand how much money that is, imagine grocery shopping at Whole Foods every day of the month." –Jay Leno

"Scientists say DNA shows humans used to have sex with Neanderthals. Scientists don’t call them cave men because they often lived other places. We’ve spent a lot of time looking for them in caves when they were actually living in million-dollar compounds in Pakistan." –Craig Ferguson

“Did the president just quit? Seriously, you’re the president. You’re asking us to call Congress? ... I actually feel bad for the president. He interrupted 'The Bachelorette' to be like, 'Could you call your congressman? I can’t talk to these people.'" –Jon Stewart

"The world’s saddest tangerine." –Jon Stewart on John Boehner

"President Obama may have to cancel his 50th birthday party because of the debt limit crisis. The Republicans won't even let Obama raise his age." –Conan O'Brien

"Experts say that because of the debt ceiling debate, America's credit rating could be seriously ruined. On the bright side, we were just approved for a Discover card." –Conan O'Brien

"I heard that if we don't raise the debt ceiling, we could lose our AAA rating. Why doesn't the auto club mind their own business?" –David Letterman

"A lot of people don't understand what the debt ceiling is. So everyone can understand, it's the ceiling for our debt." –Craig Ferguson

"Sarah Palin's documentary, 'The Undefeated,' will be available on Pay-Per-View and On Demand by Sept. 1. The movie will be shown in English, with English subtitles." –Jimmy Fallon

"NASA held a career fair this week to help former employees find new jobs now that the shuttle program is over. Which explains that guy at the drive-thru that was like, 'One small fry for man, one giant Coke for his Big Mac.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"John Boehner told Republicans to 'get in line.' He was very angry. His face turned from orange to mandarin orange." –Jimmy Kimmel

"They say that the United States might default on its loans and China might foreclose. We'll have to move into a cheap rental country or something." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Sarah Palin said that if a deal isn't reached by Aug. 2, nothing will happen. Do you hear that, award-winning economists?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Economists are worried if we fall into default "the good name of the United States" would suffer in the eyes of the world. Oh, shut up. We lost that fight the day we sent the cast of "Jersey Shore" to Italy." –Jay Leno

‎"Is it so wrong we want pundits vetted? I want to get my news from news people, not random people with an AOL account." –Jon Stewart on Twitter pundits

July 22, 2011

2011-07-22T09:24:00.001-04:00

"An audio recording from five years ago has been released of Michele Bachmann predicting the end of the world. Her exact words were, 'I'm going to run for president in 2012.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump's daughter Ivanka gave birth to a baby girl. The baby's name is 'Trump Granddaughter and Casino.'" –Conan O'Brien

"It was so hot in Washington that Congress had to install a fan on the debt ceiling." –Craig Ferguson

"It's so hot that I saw Rupert Murdoch trying to hack his way into a Cold Stone Creamery." –Craig Ferguson

"The United States' soccer team lost to Japan, which means we're now losing to Japan in math, science, and penalty kicks." –Jimmy Kimmel

"This weekend, the final 'Harry Potter' movie made a record-breaking $476 million worldwide. Yeah, 'Harry Potter' made so much money this weekend, President Obama just asked him for a loan." –Jimmy Fallon

"A woman in Colorado was arrested for groping a TSA agent last week. On the bright side, today she was offered a job with the TSA." –Jimmy Fallon

"A group of rare snow leopards has been discovered in a remote corner of Afghanistan. So I guess traveling through Afghanistan isn't as safe as you thought." –Jimmy Fallon

"Republicans are no longer allowed to say that people are rich. You have to refer to them as 'job creator'. You can't even use the word 'rich'. You have to say, 'This chocolate cake is so moist and job creator.'" –Jon Stewart

"I say, if the founding fathers didn't want money in politics, why did they put their faces on our money?" –Stephen Colbert

"I think I know now why we are occupying Iraq. In case we have to sell America and move to a smaller country." –Bill Maher

"New Rule: Now that the social network 'Google +' has arrived expressly to try and destroy Facebook and Twitter the way Facebook and Twitter blew away MySpace right after MySpace obliterated Friendster the Internet must admit that it doesn't really understand the concept of 'friendship.'" –Bill Maher

"There’s a move to divide California into two states: the state of poverty and the state of bankruptcy. The problem is coming up with a new name for Southern California since 'New Mexico' is already taken." –Jay Leno

"Two Delta planes collided on the runway in Boston…. The air traffic controllers were just glad they weren’t awake to see the collision." –Jimmy Fallon

"Ohio Congressman Bill Johnson said his Twitter account was hacked yesterday after an image of a naked man was posted on his page. When the Lord taketh a Weiner he giveth a Johnson." –Jimmy Fallon

"According to a survey by Charles Schwab, 16 percent of teenagers expect their parents to help them financially forever. I believe they're called 'philosophy majors.'" –Jay Leno

"It's Bastille Day, which is the day that Paul Revere rode through Paris warning the French." –David Letterman

‎"If Social Security checks don't go out on August 3, it's just old people. You know how they are. They're just gonna blow that money on medicine and hips." –Jon Stewart

"Michele Bachmann suffers from crippling migraine headaches. That's what happens when you don't get a little pornography every now and then." –David Letterman

"Rupert Murdoch said yesterday at the House of Commons that he was shocked, appalled, and ashamed. So apparently he watches Fox News, too." –Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin's son Track and his wife are having a baby. They haven't picked a name yet, but they do know it will be a verb." –Conan O'Brien

"While testifying in parliament, Rupert Murdoch was attacked by a man who threw a pie and yelled insulting names. Murdoch immediately gave the man a show on Fox News." –Conan O'Brien

"Texas governor Rick Perry said God is calling on him to run for President. But Michele Bachmann said that God is calling on her to run for President. You know, if God is that indecisive, he's probably for Mitt Romney." –Jay Leno

"There's talk of splitting California into two different states. Apparently, this divorce between Arnold and Maria is bigger than we thought." –Jay Leno

July 15

2011-07-15T12:19:00.001-04:00

"Michele Bachmann and her husband run this institution where they try to 'pray away the gay.' They want gay guys to think outside the bun." –Jay Leno

"The royal couple has left Los Angeles after a short visit. It's the first time that two unemployed people from another country have come to L.A. and left." –Jay Leno

"The FBI is investigating after a stun gun was found on a flight to Newark, New Jersey. They think a passenger planned to use the stun gun on himself when he realized he was on a flight to Newark, New Jersey." –Jay Leno

"Hitler's birthplace in Austria has revoked his honorary citizenship. Talk about a rush to judgment." –Jay Leno

"A lawmaker in California is pushing for 13 counties to break away and form a new state called South California. Meanwhile, residents are pushing for a more fitting name: 'North Mexico.'" –Jimmy Fallon

‎"It's not, 'All right, let's all chip in and we'll buy a keg for the big party.' It's, 'Buy me a keg and I won't burn your f**kin' house down.'" –Jon Stewart on Republicans' approach to compromise during debt negotiations

"Republicans are job creationists. We know the rich create jobs. Democrats believe that jobs just EVOLVE from millions of years of stimulus packages." –Daily Show senior debt correspondent Wyatt Cenac

‎"Christianity is the best way to cure gayness. Just get on your knees, take a swig of wine and accept the body of a man into your mouth." –Stephen Colbert

"A right-wing religious group in Iowa is now asking all the Republican presidential candidates to sign a pledge to remain faithful to their spouse. Isn't that the marriage pledge?" –Jay Leno

"The U.S. is now in serious danger of defaulting on our foreign loans, which explains why today, China showed up and broke the Statue of Liberty's kneecaps." –Jimmy Fallon

"On Friday, a woman in Texas gave birth to a baby boy weighing in at 16 pounds, 1 ounce. When they did the sonogram, the doctor was like, 'I'm not sure if it's a boy or a girl, but it's definitely an American.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The British government may cancel Rupert Murdoch's $14 billion satellite deal because they've discovered that he's evil." –Craig Ferguson

"In Arizona they had a dust storm that was two miles high and 15 miles wide. It looked like something out of a movie. Visibility in Arizona they said was so bad that police were hassling white people." –Bill Maher

"Lady Gaga complained that the U.S. is allowing Iran and North Korea to get nukes and we have to stop them. Before the White House makes any decision, they’re waiting to hear from Britney Spears." –Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin spoke out about Independence Day, saying that if the British had won the war, we'd all be speaking English today." –Jay Leno

"We're getting closer and closer to the country going into default. We could be out of money by August 2nd. How many people are surprised by that? How many people are surprised we still have enough money to make it until August 2nd?" –Jay Leno

"President Obama ordered Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner to take what little money we have left and buy lottery tickets. I don't think that ever works." –Jay Leno

"You know the woman in Texas who gave birth to a 16-pound baby boy? Turns out if was a hoax. It wasn’t a baby at all. It was a Mexican trying to sneak into the country." –Jay Leno

‎"Is he teaching people not to be gay or is he like the 'Green Mile' guy and just absorbing it all?" –Jon Stewart on Michele Bachmann's husband, Marcus Bachmann

June 24, 2011

2011-06-24T09:15:00.000-04:00

"Rush Limbaugh has come out with his own brand of iced tea, with a picture of him on horseback dressed as Paul Revere. How confusing is this going to be for Sarah Palin?" –Jay Leno

"Al Qaeda is not what it used to be. You can see they don't have the money anymore. Instead of 70 virgins, martyrs now get a gift certificate to Olive Garden." –Jay Leno

"Officials still can't say what happened to $6.6 billion that was sent to Iraq for reconstruction. That's money we could have wasted and mismanaged right here at home." –Jay Leno

"According to a poll, over 50 percent of viewers thought Mitt Romney won this week’s presidential debate. They thought Mitt Romney won, yeah. Romney credits the win to his grasp of the issues and the good people at Mattel, who built him." –Conan O'Brien

"According to a new study, American fathers are spending more than twice the amount of time with their children than they used to in years past. Experts say it's due to a sweeping new trend called 'unemployment.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Congress has just lost its Weiner. One minute he's in, one minute he's out ... typical Weiner." –Jimmy Fallon

"Thank you, Anthony Weiner, for your premature evacuation." –Jimmy Fallon

"Today bin Laden’s deputy was made head of Al Qaeda. I know because today he updated his status on LinkedIn." –Jimmy Fallon

"Did you see that video where a crying baby is handed to President Obama? As soon as the president holds the baby it stops crying. Do you know how rare that is these days; that a politician is handed a baby from a crowd and it's not his?" –Jay Leno

"That's pretty amazing. The baby stopped crying as soon as the president held it. Obama should try that with John Boehner." –Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin has canceled the rest of her bus trip around America. She had to quit before she got to Mount Rushmore and somebody asked her to name the Presidents.” –Jay Leno

"President Obama announced this week that he is going to start sending out his own messages personally on Twitter. And today Anthony Weiner said, 'It's a trap, don't do it!' But President Obama's tweets are a little different than Anthony Weiner's. When Obama sends out pictures of something obscene, it's the unemployment numbers." –Jay Leno

"John McCain made his claim that illegal immigrants started the Arizona wildfires without doing his research. The last time he did that we got Sarah Palin.” -Jay Leno

"More bad news for Newt Gingrich. One week after his campaign staff quit, his campaign finance team quit. In fact, newt was going to pull out of the race, but today the guy who writes his concession speeches quit. He can't do anything." –Jay Leno

"According to new polls, 66 percent of Americans believe the country is headed in the wrong direction. But the good news is, gas is so expensive and traffic is so bad that we won't get there for a long time." –Jay Leno

“New Republican Presidential candidate Jon Huntsman is fluent in Chinese. In a short period of time the Republicans have come quite a long way. The last Republican president wasn't even fluent in English." –David Letterman

"President Obama announced that progress is being made in Afghanistan after the death of Osama bin Laden, which means we're going to be bringing 10,000 troops home by the end of this year. Here's what I don't understand about Afghanistan: With all that opium lying around, you'd think it would be a mellower place." –Jimmy Kimmel

“Jon Huntsman is so little known, when he announced for the Presidency he had his name written on his hand." –Jay Leno

"The Wall Street Journal is reporting that a Chinese billionaire investor named Wang Gongquan announced to the world that he is leaving his wife to elope with his mistress, and he did it on a Chinese blogging site like Twitter. Men are the same all over the world, aren’t they? We have Weiner, they have Wang. It’s the same thing. No matter where you go." –Jay Leno

"The Governor of Texas says if he runs for President he’ll fight accusations he’s gay. He’ll give any guy who accuses him a good hard pinch in the butt." –Conan O'Brien

"A spokesman for Texas Gov. Rick Perry says there's a 50/50 chance he'll run for president. Meanwhile, Sarah Palin says there's an 80/50 chance she'll run for president." –Conan O'Brien

David Letterman's "Top Ten Signs Al Qaeda Is Running Out of Money"

10. Switching from name-brand to generic plastic explosive

9. Jerry Lewis is hosting Al Jazeera's first ever jihad-a-thon

8. Ayman Al-Zawahiri closed latest videotaped message with, "And now a word from Valvoline"

7. New catchphrase: "Death to Bill Collectors"

6. Shoe-bombers encouraged to shop at Payless

5. No more free soda in the 11th floor refrigerator

4. Reducing afterlife payment to 71 virgins

3. Training camps rented out on weekends for bar mitzvahs

2. Canceled ambitious plan to put a Mullah on the moon

1. Bet entire budget on the Miami Heat

June 17, 2011

2011-06-17T09:01:00.000-04:00

"Democrats and Republicans are calling for Congressman Anthony Weiner to resign. Late night comedians are asking him to hang in there." –Conan O'Brien

"Arnold Schwarzenegger has not taken off his wedding ring. When asked why, he said it's a total housekeeper magnet." –Conan O'Brien

"Sarah Palin is going to London to try to meet with Margaret Thatcher, who's made it clear she won't meet with her. Palin went, 'Who told her I was coming? Was it Paul Revere again?'" –Jay Leno

"The Chairman of the Republican Party Ed Cox said that he would use the incriminating pictures from Anthony Weiner to defeat him. So now we have Cox versus Weiner. This just doesn't stop!" –Jay Leno

"President Obama and House Speaker John Boehner have agreed to play a round of golf together. Imagine the two of them at the end of that golf game? Boehner will be crying over his score and Obama will be giving three explanations as to why his score is actually better than it appears." –Jay Leno

"President Obama wrote an essay for People magazine about being the father he never had. Meanwhile, Arnold Schwarzenegger wrote an essay about being the father no one knew he was." –Jimmy Fallon

"People keep asking me if Sarah Palin is running for President. How the f*** do I know? What am I, the idiot whisperer?" –Bill Maher

"We don't even need Sarah Palin for comedy in this presidential election because yesterday Newt Gingrich got fired by his own campaign. Did you see this? His entire staff quit en masse because they had a little disagreement about strategy. You see, Newt entered the race three weeks ago, and then his staff got mad at him because he spent the last two weeks campaigning in the wrong country. The last two weeks he's been on a yacht touring the Greek Island, stopping only at Tiffany's on his mission to warn America that Obama is an elitist." –Bill Maher

"Thanks to you, Congressman Weiner, there is now a new low in what passes for a sex scandal. JFK got Marilyn Monroe. John Edwards got a love child. You got mail." –Bill Maher

"New Rule: Newt Gingrich, just stop. Seriously, your campaign isn’t just off to a rocky start; it’s like you hired me to run it and I purposely ran it into the ground. Let me put your popularity into context for you. You are a Republican and you’re polling behind a black man--Herman Cain." –Bill Maher

"Arnold Schwarzenegger's housekeeper says Maria Shriver became suspicious after noticing similarities between Arnold and her 13-year-old son. For instance, after serving as class president, he left the sixth grade with a $42 billion deficit." –Conan O'Brien

"The housekeeper said the affair wasn't all Arnold's fault because 'it takes two.' Then Anthony Weiner said, 'Actually, it only takes one.'" –Conan O'Brien

"During the Republican debate on Monday night, Mitt Romney interrupted the proceedings to announce the score of the hockey game. Well ... I guess he's already written off the black vote." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama said regarding the economy, 'The sky is not falling.' The poll numbers are falling, the market is falling, support for the war in Libya is falling, Anthony Weiner's pants are falling, but the sky is fine." –Jay Leno

"When asked about the Congressman Weiner scandal, President Obama said that if it were him, he's resign. When Bill Clinton was asked about the same thing he said, 'If it was me, I wouldn't be surprised.'" –David Letterman

"The New York Daily News is reporting that Anthony Weiner's car isn't registered at the DMV. Oh man — he must be so embarrassed right now." –Jimmy Fallon

"Congressman Weiner has entered a treatment program. Amazingly, it's the only thing he's entered during the entire Weinergate scandal." –Conan O'Brien

"TMZ published a photo of Anthony Weiner in the congressional gym. When he heard about it, Newt Gingrich said, 'There's a congressional gym?'" –Conan O'Brien

"Most of Newt Gingrich's campaign staff quit on the same day and some people are blaming Newt's third wife. When asked about it, Newt said, 'I'll win them back with my fourth wife.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Experts are predicting that in the first Republican debate, Mitt Romney will face his fiercest ideological opponent: himself from four years ago." –Conan O'Brien

"According to a new study, male politicians run for office to be somebody, while female politicians run to do something. The study has a margin of error of plus or minus Sarah Palin." –Conan O'Brien

"According to reports, Osama bin Laden's bedroom had the only air conditioner in his compound. I don't know about you guys, but I'm starting to think that he was kind of a jerk." –Jimmy Fallon

"The state of Alaska released more than 24,000 emails written by Sarah Palin when she was governor. How does someone that doesn't read write that much?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"For the sixth time in a year, an air traffic controller was found asleep in the Reno Nevada airport. I have a good way to keep them awake. Make them sit in the same cramped plane chairs that we have to sit in." –Craig Ferguson

June 15, 2011

"It was on this day in 1992 that Vice President Dan Quayle misspelled the word 'potato,' thus paving the way for Sarah Palin." –Jay Leno

"A new study shows that only 35 percent of fourth-graders know the purpose of the Declaration of Independence. When she heard this, Sarah Palin said, 'How are they supposed to know about something that happened 20 years ago.'" –Conan O'Brien

"A Tea Party group has a summer camp for kids, the only one where they sit around the campfire and tell scary stories about taxing the top 2%." –Conan O'Brien

"Rep. Michele Bachmann once said that gay people lead a very sad life. Apparently, she has never celebrated Halloween in San Francisco." –Conan O'Brien

"Anthony Weiner has asked that everyone respect his privacy. I guess that wasn't his concern when he was texting pictures of himself." –David Letterman

"It turns out that 70 percent of guns found in Mexico actually come from the U.S. Meanwhile, 70 percent of people found in the U.S. actually come from Mexico." –Jimmy Fallon

"One more vote is needed in the N.Y. State Senate to legalize gay marriage. That one vote could be the Republican Senator from Staten Island. If he’s willing to be known for the rest of his career as the Staten Island Fairy." –Jon Stewart

June 10, 2011

2011-06-10T12:40:00.000-04:00

"Mitt Romney started to stick it to Obama right away. He said, 'We are only inches away from ceasing to be a free market economy.' What?! If he’s going to lie this hard on day one, what’s he going to say in six months? Obama is kidnapping our white women and feeding them to King Kong." –Bill Maher, on Mitt Romney's presidential campaign announcement

"Mitt Romney wanted to get the maximum exposure for his (presidential) announcement so he made it in Anthony Weiner's underpants." –Bill Maher

"Anthony Weiner pledges to get to the bottom of this. He's asked for an investigation, the police are involved, he's got a dick lawyer he's hired. They know it is a Democrat's penis because it won't stand up. And also because it was sent to a woman." –Bill Maher

"Palin should not be on vacation. She should be in summer school." –Bill Maher, on Sarah Palin's botched explanation of Paul Revere's midnight ride

"Paul Revere was warning the British about gun control, and George Washington apparently was crossing the Delaware to bomb an abortion clinic." –Bill Maher, on history according to Sarah Palin

"The question is – why can't Congressman Anthony Weiner say with certitude if the crotch in question is his or not? Because he’s got so many crotch shots lying around, maybe one got away? Maybe he's been taking a picture of his crotch every hour for a month, to create one of those cool YouTube time lapse videos?" –NPR's "Wait Wait…Don't Tell Me!"

"Congressman Weiner said the photo leak was a prank, he’s a victim, the picture could be taken out of context? In what possible context would you take this picture? Maybe he meant to send it to his Doctor, with the message, "Okay, it's been four hours, time to get you involved." –NPR's "Wait Wait…Don't Tell Me!"

"Sarah Palin’s cross country road trip is not a political event, she says, but just a summer vacation with her family, just like the ones you have. Except my summer vacations generally don't have a title." –NPR's "Wait Wait…Don't Tell Me!"

"You know, Donald, I don’t want to say anything, but if you’re taking an esteemed visitor to get real New York pizza, Famiglia’s ain’t it. Unless real authentic New York pizza can also be found in Terminal Four of the Phoenix Airport. Governor Palin, no disrespect to you, you’re a guest in our city, we should offer you the finest that our hospitality has to offer you. I just would have thought Captain Combover could have pulled that one off." –Jon Stewart, on Donald Trump’s trip with Sarah Palin to a pizza parlor in Times Square

‎"Based on how you eat pizza Donald, I want to see your long-form birth certificate. I don't think you were really born in New York." –Jon Stewart, on Donald Trump taking Sarah Palin out to eat chain restaurant pizza in New York, using knives and forks

"Of course, the 'lame stream media' ambushed Palin with gotcha questions like, 'Where are you going?' and, 'Why are you doing this?'" –Stephen Colbert on Sarah Palin's bus tour

"Congress has rejected raising the debt ceiling, so if China calls, let it go to voicemail." –Stephen Colbert

"From bin Laden's compound we now know Al Qaeda demanded that its agents keep complete records and receipts for all expenses. No doubt using Al Quicken. Also, Al Qaeda gave its agents better benefits than Wal-Mart, although at Wal-Mart you get to use your vests more than once." –Stephen Colbert

"The Republicans blocked the bill to raise the debt ceiling that was so devious it was actually introduced by Republicans. [Actual quote from Republican Congressman] "This vote, based on a bill I introduced, must fail." That reminds me of Patrick Henry's famous cry: "Give me liberty and I don't want liberty." And before the vote Republicans called Wall Street Executives to assure them the vote was just for show." –Stephen Colbert

"The USDA replaced the food pyramid with the 'food plate.' After years of the food pyramid, many Americans ended up shaped like pyramids." –Craig Ferguson

"It's official. It turns out it was Weiner's weiner. At a press conference this afternoon, Congressman Anthony Weiner admitted that he tweeted out that photo of his crotch. During the press conference, Congressman Weiner was choked up and got a lump in this throat – not as big as the lump in his underwear, but still, very emotional!" -Jimmy Fallon

"It's been a tough week for him. He's lost so much support, and he had to buy a second pair of underwear too. I'm just glad he had the balls to admit his mistake." –Jimmy Fallon

"First Lady Michelle Obama is taking Sasha and Malia to South Africa and Botswana. Or as Sasha and Malia call it, 'Not Disney World. Thanks Mom!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"That’s right, Michelle Obama is taking Sasha and Malia to South Africa and Botswana and Sarah Palin was like, 'Wow, they’re going to all the places Paul Revere went.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A new Republican presidential poll has Herman Cain, the former CEO of Godfather’s Pizza, tied for second with Sarah Palin. Or as Obama put it,' 'Do I even need to campaign at this point?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The Anthony Weiner scandal shows that despite the wars and the economy, we’re all really still in 9th grade." –Jay Leno

"With all this new media, is that considered junk e-mail? Or is it e-mail of your junk? There are so many terms!" –Jay Leno

"And I love the way the media reports the story. They say this whole thing started when a lewd photo of a man's crotch was sent to one of Congressman Weiner's Twitter followers. Do they even have to say 'lewd.' I mean, are there tasteful photos of men's crotches?" –Jay Leno

"It’s the anniversary of D-Day. Or, as Sarah Palin calls it, the day that Paul Revere warned the Americans that the Danish were coming." –Jay Leno

"I don't know if laws were broken or not, but Weiner was sending around pictures of him in his underpants and I thought, Well, now, wait a minute, what is the big deal? Don't men and women in Congress get to mail their packages for free?!" –David Letterman

"Osama bin Laden's successor was taken out by an American drone. An American drone? Isn't that Mitt Romney?" –David Letterman

"Democrats don't share our values. An elected official is tweeting dirty photos of himself to strange women who he never meets for sex? Come on! At least Republican Chris Lee was trying to get some action! Republican politicians are man enough to hit that thing. Ensign, Vitter, even when it's a gay scandal! They're not tweeting love letters. They're tearing up an airport bathroom until somebody calls the cops on them!" –Stephen Colbert

"The list of women who got sexy pics from Anthony Weiner keeps growing. As of now it's a porn star, a single mom from Texas, a blackjack dealer, and a student from Seattle. Is this a sex scandal of the next cast of Survivor? 'Survivor: Weiner Island.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Congressman Anthony Weiner, now known as the peter tweeter, held a big press conference at a hotel in New York City where he admitted to everything. You see him standing in front of that microphone? I think it was a microphone." –Jay Leno

"Weiner's beautiful wife Huma – she’s a beautiful woman if you’ve seen her – she is an aide for Hillary Clinton. I guess Hillary called Huma to console her while Anthony Weiner go a call from Bill going 'Yeah!'" –Jay Leno

"Donald Trump and Sarah Palin met and had pizza together in New York City last week. There was one embarrassing moment — when the waitress asked Donald if he wanted extra topping and he said, 'No, my hair is fine.'" –Jay Leno

"When the economy is bad, it means budget cuts and teacher layoffs. That means the next generation won't even know as much about American history as Sarah Palin." –Jay Leno

“Pawlenty, Romney or Gingrich. Barack Obama looks at these guys and wishes he hadn’t spent the money on the new birth certificate." –David Letterman

"It turns out that one of the women Congressman Anthony Weiner was communicating with was a porn star. When asked how it was possible to get involved with someone in such a sleazy business, the porn star said, 'I don't know.'" –Conan O'Brien

"The Chinese economy has shown signs of slowing down. Experts say that's what happens when your workforce starts to enter its teens." –Conan O'Brien

"A new poll shows that President Obama is losing the popularity boost he got after Osama bin Laden's death. Or as Gadhafi's putting it, 'Uh oh.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"51 percent of New York voters think Congressman Weiner should keep his seat in office. The other 49 percent think that he should disinfect it." –Conan O'Brien

Congressman Weiner reportedly called Bill Clinton to apologize for his behavior. After Bill suggested that Weiner also call Hillary, Weiner said, 'Don't worry, I sent her a text.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Democrats in Congress have been distancing themselves from the Anthony Weiner scandal. Just to be safe, everyone is staying a good 6 to 8 inches away at all times." –Jimmy Fallon

"A new study found that being bored can be good for your brain. Which explains that new campaign slogan, 'Mitt Romney: I'm Good For Your Brain.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A woman in Florida called 911 after she found a bear swimming in her backyard pool. That's right, there was a bear in the water. Or as Sarah Palin calls that, 'soup.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Sociologists have documented this. Here are the stages of a scandal: First you have the denial, then you have the tearful confession, then it's resignation, and then you appear on 'Dancing With the Stars.'" –David Letterman

"Yesterday President Obama welcomed German Chancellor Angela Merkel to the White House. One embarrassing moment when Merkel got a phone call from a certain New York congressman asking if she'd like to see his wienerschnitzel." –Jay Leno

"Congressman Weiner has admitted that he did carry on explicit online relationships with six different women. Well, he thought they were women. Turns out three were woman, one was a guy pretending to be a woman, and the other two were congressmen." –Jay Leno

"People wonder why Weiner engaged in such reckless behavior. If you wanted people to check out your crotch, go to the airport and go through security like everybody else." –Jay Leno

"Of course, Weiner is now desperately trying to make things better with his wife. You can tell he's sorry. Like today he sent her a picture of his penis with a little sad face on it." –Jay Leno

"The beautiful star of the TV show 'Mad Men,' January Jones, is pregnant but she will not reveal who the father is. To which John Edwards said, 'Why can't I meet women like this?'" –Jay Leno

David Letterman's "Top Ten Questions to Ask Before Tweeting a Photo of Yourself"

10. "Is this my best side?"

9. "Will this get me more followers?"

8. "Should I put it on Facebook instead?"

7. "Do I have a last name that would make this especially embarrassing?"

6. "Would it be more personal to fax everyone photos?"

5. "What's the point if James Arness is no longer alive to see it?"

4. "Is there a better way to show people I’m Jewish?"

3. "What would Brett Favre do?"

2. "Isn't this what Twitter’s for?"

1. "What could possibly go wrong?"

June 3, 2011

2011-06-03T09:13:00.001-04:00

"Sarah Palin met with Donald Trump in New York yesterday. They spent the meeting talking about the thing most important to them: TV ratings." –Craig Ferguson

"This weekend Sarah Palin begins a nationwide bus tour, which I think is a good way for her to learn the names of all the states." –Jay Leno

"I think Mitt Romney and Sarah Palin would be the perfect ticket. She can’t answer basic questions, and he has two answers for every question." –Jay Leno

"Arnold Schwarzenegger fathered a child with a maid. She kept the child secret for 14 years. John Edwards is going, 'Why can't I meet a chick like that?'" –Jay Leno

"You know what Arnold Schwarzenegger calls a quickie? A Minute Maid." –Jay Leno

"President Obama arrived in France for the G8 summit, a meeting of the world's top economic powers. To give you an idea of how bad our economy is doing, when the president arrived, the other countries were like, 'What are you doing here?'" –Jay Leno

"Tim Pawlenty is running for President. I won't say he's boring, but his Secret Service Code name is Al Gore." –Jay Leno

"The Supreme Court has upheld Arizona's law which penalizes employers for hiring workers who are in the country illegally. And in a related story, in Phoenix a head of lettuce now costs 137 dollars." –Jay Leno

"There are rumors that Sarah Palin will run for president. It's a big decision. On one hand, running for president is a long and grueling process that goes on for months and years. But she could just quit halfway through, right?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Lindsay Lohan began her house arrest. When he heard about it, Arnold Schwarzenegger was like, 'Don't worry, Lindsay. Sometimes everything you need is right in your own house.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Bristol Palin said she doesn't plan on having any more babies anytime soon. Then she added, 'But that never stopped me before.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"CBS announced some new shows coming up, including 'Celebrity Housekeeper.' A group of women compete to become Arnold Schwarzenegger's maid." –David Letterman

I'm not certain of a lot of things. But there are three things in this world that I know for certain: Empire Strikes Back is the best Star Wars movie. OJ killed those people. And what my erect penis looks like in my own underwear from a bird's-eye view." –Jon Stewart, on Rep. Anthony Weiner's claim that he "can't say with certitude" whether a photo posted on his Twitter account of a man wearing just boxer shorts was actually him

"I see only two options here: Either Anthony Weiner has too many photos of his junk to keep track of, or 'Certitiude' is his nickname for his penis." –Stephen Colbert

"Sarah Palin met with Donald Trump in New York yesterday. Then Sarah Palin left by helicopter and shot that thing off Trump's head." –Craig Ferguson

"Based on how you eat pizza Donald, I want to see your long-form birth certificate. I don't think you were really born in New York." –Jon Stewart, on Donald Trump taking Sarah Palin out to eat chain restaurant pizza in New York, using knives and forks

01-06-01 A.R. (After Rapture)

2011-05-27T09:51:00.002-04:00

"One of Sarah Palin's supporters is about to release a documentary about her called 'The Undefeated.' That's like a documentary about Arnold Schwarzenegger called 'The Faithful.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Someone made a two-hour documentary about Sarah Palin's political life. In case you're interested in watching a movie that's longer than Palin's actual political life.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Rudy Giuliani says he may run for President. So now we're up to 7 candidates and 35 ex-wives." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama is on a visit to England. He told the Queen yesterday, 'I like your tea parties much better than the ones we have in America.'" –Jay Leno

"They drive on other side of the road there, so Obama had to switch sides — kind of like Mitt Romney is doing over here." –Jay Leno

"Arnold’s maid has hired a lawyer, so I guess it’s her turn to screw him." –Jay Leno

"New video has surfaced of Arnold Schwarzenegger in 1991 saying the housekeeper does a 'great job.' One clue might have been that he then added, 'And she's also a great housekeeper.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Kirstie Alley did a cartwheel on 'Dancing With the Stars.' But President Obama is refusing to release the pictures." –David Letterman

"Now the pastor guy says the Apocalypse will be October 21. I know some people are saying, 'What if I had tickets for Saturday's Apocalypse?' Those tickets will still be good for October.'" –David Letterman

"It's not an exaggeration to say that Oprah has touched millions of women around the world, but unlike Arnold Schwarzenegger, she didn't leave them pregnant." –Craig Ferguson

"Some people sold all they're possessions to prepare for Judgment Day. They're idiots. If the world does end, what are you going to do with your money? Walmart is closed." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Last night at a Texas Ranger game ex-President Bush almost got hit with a foul ball. He vowed revenge on the player, but we all know Obama will be the one to actually get him." –Conan O'Brien

"Harold Camping, who predicted the end of the world, says the new date for the apocalypse is October 21. If it rains, it will be October 22." –David Letterman

"Dick Cheney is publishing a memoir. He's very thorough, and to get all of the facts for his book, he actually had to waterboard himself." –David Letterman

"In college, Cheney went through a rebellious phase where he experimented with smiling." –David Letterman

"Harold Camping has now changed his prediction of the Rapture to October 21. Does Jesus work for the cable company now? "I'll be there sometime between May and October, between 9 and 5." –Jay Leno

"The Rapture-predicting preacher, Harold Camping, is really scaling back his predictions. He now predicts the end of the month will be May 31." –Jay Leno

"The pastor who incorrectly predicted the Rapture said it was a very tough weekend. To make it worse, his friends keep calling him saying, "Hey, it's not the end of the world!" –Conan O'Brien

"Arnold Schwarzenegger might have to give Maria Shriver 100,000,000 dollars in a divorce settlement. When asked for a comment Arnold said, "But I have families to support." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama is on a big European trip this week, and I heard that he's sleeping at Buckingham Palace when he visits England. That's when you know the U.S. is short on cash — when even Obama's like, 'Hey, is it cool if I crash at your place?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama visited the Irish village where his great-great-great-grandfather was born. Of course, that was always disputed by his great-great-great-grandfather's archrival, Donny McTrump." –Jimmy Fallon

"That's right, Obama was in Ireland. He thought about buying a four-leaf clover for good luck, and then he looked at the field of Republican candidates and decided it wasn't necessary." –Jimmy Fallon

"Indiana Gov. Mitch Daniels emailed his supporters over the weekend to tell them he's not running for president. In response, his supporters were like, 'Dad, we live in the same house. Couldn't you just tell us in person?" –Jimmy Fallon

"There are rumors Arnold Schwarzenegger may have had a second child with another woman. I can't believe Arnold would cheat on his mistress like that." –Jimmy Fallon

"Al Qaeda has been plotting attacks against oil tankers and refineries for years. Thank goodness that never happened. The price of gas would have skyrocketed." –Jay Leno

"How about this whole world-coming-to-an-end thing? Look, I love Oprah too, but it was just a TV show!" –Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin was asked if she has the fire in the belly to run for President, and she said yes. But it's not the fire in the belly; it's the air in the head." –Jay Leno

"If you don't know much about Newt Gingrich, he's like Donald Trump without the charisma." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama said Hillary Clinton is approaching one million frequent flier miles in her job as Secretary of State. Though even that can't get her upgraded to the seat she really wants." –Jimmy Fallon

"Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver have put their former mansion on the market for $23.5 million. It's not that clean though, because they had a maid but she was always busy doing other stuff." –Jimmy Fallon

“A gay activist dumped glitter all over Newt Gingrich. He wants Newt to stop being against gay marriage. But Newt believes marriage is a sacred bond between a man and his wife and his mistress and the other woman he's seeing on the side." –Jay Leno

"Everyone in the blamestream media, copyright, is saying Newt Gingrich is on the ropes. Wrong, you parasites. This man will rise again, just like the sourdough he appears to be made of." –Stephen Colbert

"There is a simple explanation for this because Newt Gingrich buys his engagement rings in bulk." –Stephen Colbert, on Newt Gingrich running up $500 million dollar in Tiffany's debt

May 20, 2011

2011-05-20T09:04:00.000-04:00

"The Taliban is now on Twitter. So if they start following you, go hide someplace where no one will find you ... like MySpace or Friendster." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Pakistan's Prime Minister is mad at us for going in and getting Osama bin Laden without giving him a heads up. He has the same right to get mad as a husband mad at his wife because she went into his e-mails and found out he'd been having an affair for 5 years ... with Osama bin Laden." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Ron Paul is announcing for President tomorrow. He supports legalizing prostitution and heroin. His campaign slogan is "Let's Just See What Would Happen." –Conan O'Brien

"The CIA is going through the stuff they found in Osama bin Laden's compound, including a diary. I didn't know he had a diary. That is so sweet. They haven't read the diary yet because they can't find the little key to open it up." –Craig Ferguson

"Isn't it odd how history's greatest monsters have an artistic side? Osama bin Laden was a writer. Hitler was a painter. Justin Bieber is a singer." –Craig Ferguson

"President Obama was just ranked 108th in a new list from Golf Digest of the top 150 golfers in the political world. But I hear he's improving. Last week in Pakistan, he shot two holes in one." –Jimmy Fallon

"Have you seen these Republican presidential candidates? The only one that hasn't had three wives is Mitt Romney — and he's the Mormon!" –Jay Leno

"An Illinois state senator wants to take away the state tax deduction from parents with an obese child. I've heard of getting behind on your taxes, but never getting taxed on your behind." –Jay Leno

"President Obama gave a speech about how good it is to have immigrants in this country, though I understand Maria Shriver may give the rebuttal." –Jay Leno

"According to TMZ, Arnold Schwarzenegger is willing to do anything to get his wife, Maria Shriver, back. He's even willing to learn English." –Jay Leno

"The SEALs recovered an extensive stash of pornography from Bin Laden's compound. …There were interesting titles: 'Debby Does Abbottabad,' 'Deep Goat,' 'Bare Ankles 4,' and '2 Humps, 1 Camel.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Another Republican is about to announce he is running for president. Newt Gingrich is about to announce. Some people say Newt Gingrich may have trouble winning over traditional values voters because he has had three marriages. So as a result, the campaign has announced a new slogan, 'Newt Gingrich, so committed to marriage, he can't stop doing it.'" –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama invited a rapper to the White House on Wednesday. ..Sarah Palin tweeted one of her brain farts. She said, 'Inviting Common to the White House lacked class and decency,' and that's why her children are only allowed to make babies while listening to country music." –Bill Maher

"Mitt Romney is having major trouble with endorsements. He keeps getting endorsed by President Obama. They have the same healthcare plan." –Jay Leno

"Arnold Schwarzenegger admitted that he fathered a child with a member of his household staff. The woman's husband became suspicious when he realized she was the first maid to make $1 million a year." -Jay Leno

"Arnold kept this secret for more than 10 years. You know how he did it? He moved the woman and child into an apartment right down the street from the Pakistani military academy." -Jay Leno

"Ron Paul announced that he will run for president, and he supports the legalization of prostitution and heroin. If he does win, it will be one heck of a victory party." -Conan O'Brien

"Arnold Schwarzenegger fathered a child with his maid. I can't believe no one knew this was Arnold's son. When he came out of the womb, he snapped his own umbilical cord." -Jimmy Kimmel

"Today is 'National Visit Your Relatives Day!' Or as Arnold Schwarzenegger put it, 'Better make it two days.'" -Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama's approval rating, which got a bump after killing bin Laden, has slipped again. Which is really bad news - not for the president, for Moammar Gaddafi." -Jay Leno

"You know what Arnold Schwarzenegger and Meg Whitman have in common? They both got in trouble for stiffing the maid." -Jay Leno

"Today Arnold was offered the job as the new head of the International Monetary Fund." -Jay Leno

"Schwarzenegger secretly fathered a child outside of his marriage 10 years ago. He told his wife at the time but it took 10 years for her to figure out what he was saying." -Conan O'Brien

"They found a massive stash of porn in Osama bin Laden's compound. Right now CIA agents are screening the pornography carefully, frame by frame, looking for clues." -David Letterman

"Donald Trump is not running for president. This is devastating news for Trump's supporters - all of whom are late night comedians." -Conan O'Brien

"Both Mike Huckabee and Donald Trump have announced they will not run for president. Huckabee's announcement opens the door for Michele Bachmann and Rick Santorum, and Trump's announcement opens the door for Randy Quaid and Gary Busey." -Conan O'Brien

"Sen. John Kerry is in Pakistan, sending a strong message to the government and the people. The message is, 'We think this is important enough to send John Kerry.'" -David Letterman

"It was annoying when John Kerry got off the plane and everyone kept asking him, 'Why the long face?'" -David Letterman

"Newt Gingrich is running and just came out with his new book: 'The Adultery of Hope.'" -Jay Leno

"The French head of the International Monetary Fund was arrested in New York for sexually assaulting a hotel maid. Or as the French call it, room service." -Jay Leno

"There's talk of a new "Mad Max" movie, where gas is so expensive people steal and kill to get it. It takes place in the future ... like July." -Jay Leno

David Letterman's "Top Ten Surprises in the Osama bin Laden Diary"

10. Always dotted the 'I' in 'Jihad' with a smiley face

9. Expressed anger at not being invited to the royal wedding

8. Disguised himself by wearing a fake beard over his real beard

7. Was the first one to suggest Hugh Grant as a possible replacement for Charlie Sheen

6. Admitted in college he experimented with a member of the opposite sect

5. Preferred exploding boxers to exploding briefs

4. As much as he hated the United States, he loved Red Lobster's coconut shrimp bites

3. The guy just wouldn't shut up about the new Beastie Boys album

2. Would occasionally fax jokes to Leno

1. Turns out he was kind of a coward

May 16, 2011

2011-05-16T12:08:00.001-04:00

"The interior minister of Pakistan says that they have nothing to hide. Yeah, not anymore." –Jay Leno

"The United States gave the Pakistani police $162 million. Unfortunately, bin Laden gave them $163 million." –Jay Leno

"Apparently, Pakistan has given the United States permission to interview bin Laden's wives, as long as we promise not to turn it into a reality show." –Jay Leno

"Have you seen the video of Osama bin Laden? He was wearing a Snuggie, drinking a Coke and flipping through the channels on TV. I thought he hated the American lifestyle. He was LIVING the American lifestyle." –Jay Leno

"Donald Trump insisted yesterday that he is not racist, because one time an African-American won 'Apprentice.' Because nothing says 'not racist' like making a black man run your errands." –Conan O'Brien

"Pakistan has 3 of Osama’s wives: Ivana, Marla and Melania." –David Letterman

"The royal couple is finally heading to their honeymoon for two weeks of living in pampered luxury, followed by a lifetime of . . . the same." –Craig Ferguson

"The Schwarzeneggers are splitting up. Sources close to the couple say they just stopped communicating. I don't know how they ever started communicating." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver have separated. Maria cited irreconcilable differences. The translators are still trying to figure out what Arnold cited." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama's approval ratings have already started to go down again. We're so fickle. Basically, we're saying, who have you shot for us lately?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"I read that Apple just became the most valuable brand in the world. Which explains why today, the Treasury replaced the U.S. dollar with the iTunes gift card." –Jimmy Fallon

"Sarah Palin is getting a lot of support from low-income Republicans. You know, like Todd Palin." –Jimmy Fallon

"Dick Cheney says he gives Obama high marks on getting bin Laden. He said, 'Trust me, I know how hard it is to shoot someone in the face.'" –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama said that watching the raid on Osama bin Laden was the longest 40 minutes of his life. Mind you, that's coming from a guy that has to listen to Joe Biden." –Jay Leno

"The death of Osama bin Laden has apparently damaged our relationship with al Qaeda. Al Qaeda says we're going to pay for Osama bin Laden's death. I'm pretty sure we did. We even took care of funeral arrangements. Maybe a thank you would be nice." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Newt Gingrich plans to announce his campaign on Facebook and Twitter. Looks like MySpace just got a little bit cooler." –Jimmy Fallon

“Osama Bin Laden's supporters want to rename the Arabian Sea where his body was dumped Martyr Sea. Really? Martyr Sea? Hiding in your bedroom for six years? How about Chicken of the Sea?" –Jay Leno

"Donald Trump is furious with President Obama. Killing bin Laden was supposed to be the final task on 'Celebrity Apprentice.'" –Jay Leno

"Today Hillary Clinton sent Khadafy a sealed note asking him to resign. Don’t send him a sealed note. Send him a note delivered by a Seal." –Jay Leno

"50 percent of Americans polled said they thought Donald Trump would make a lousy President. Wow! Half said he'd make a lousy President. Well, that never stopped us before." –David Letterman

"Apparently, Osama bin Laden was living in a mansion with no phone and no cable for six years. He'd been waiting for six years for the Time-Warner guy to show up." –David Letterman

"In the wake of President Obama's decision to not release pictures of Osama bin Laden's body, a number of new conspiracy theories are surfacing claiming that bin Laden is not really dead. Which means Barack Obama will go down in history as the first black person ever to have to prove that he killed someone." –Seth Meyers

"In the wake of the killing of Osama bin Laden President Obama's approval rating jumped to 56 percent, his highest in two years. Which shows there is literally nothing he can do to please the other 44 percent." –Seth Meyers

"The unemployment rate went up last month for the first time since November. But on the bright side, I hear a senior management position just opened up at al-Qaida." –Jimmy Fallon

"First I want to acknowledge that this week we finally vanquished one of the world's great villains. And I for one am thrilled to say good riddance to Katie Couric." –Tina Fey, reprising her Sarah Palin impression on SNL

"It's just so great to be back on Fox News, a network that both pays me and shows me the questions ahead of time. I just hope that tonight the lamestream media won't twist my words by repeating them verbatim." –Tina Fey as Sarah Palin

"The important thing for people to know is that I'm gonna be runnin' for president every four years for the rest of my life. It's my Olympics and I intend to win a whole bunch of silvers." –Tina Fey as Sarah Palin

"Sarah Palin said Obama should stop 'pussyfooting around' and release the photos. Yes, because the guy who ordered the SEALs into a sovereign country without permission and killed public enemy number one is a pussy, and the woman who quit her job as the governor of a state with no people after half a term and won't do an interview with anyone but Greta Van Susteren is a bad-ass. Right." –Bill Maher

"Who might be Bin Laden's successor? If they're looking for someone with a large following who's a religious zealot and hates the Jews...Mel Gibson?" –Bill Maher

"Conspiracy theorists who are claiming that we didn't really kill bin Laden must be reminded that they didn't think he did the crime in the first place. Come on, nut jobs, keep your bullshit straight: The towers were brought down in a controlled demolition by George W. Bush to distract attention from Hawaii, where CIA operatives were planting phony birth records so that a Kenyan named Barack Obama could someday rise to power and pretend to take out the guy we pretended took out the towers. And I know that's true because I just got it in an email from Trump." –Bill Maher

"The White House is releasing more information on the details of that attack on Osama bin Laden. They said the helicopters were able to fly in undetected because it was 1:00 a.m. and the Pakistan air traffic controller was sound asleep." –Jay Leno

Cinco de Mayo celebrates Mexico defeating the French. Isn't that like beating Sarah Palin on 'Jeopardy'?" –Jay Leno

"They celebrated Cinco de Mayo at the White House. In keeping with the times, President Obama whacked a giant piñata and then gave it a burial at sea." –Conan O'Brien

"The identity of the Navy Seals that killed Osama bin Laden is being kept secret. It's for their own safety. It's to keep them from being high-fived to death." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Jacob and Isabella are the most popular baby names in the U.S. The least popular baby name: Donald Sheen bin Laden." –Jimmy Fallon

"Hillary Clinton said that watching the raid on Osama bin Laden's compound was '38 of the most intense minutes.' Which can only mean one thing: she's never had to assemble a chair from Ikea." –Jimmy Fallon

"I don't like this new Obama who hunts Muslim extremists. I like the old Obama who WAS a Muslim extremist." –Stephen Colbert

"President Obama gave a big speech at the U.S.-Mexico border, talking about creating pathways to citizenship. We already have pathways. They're called tunnels." –Jay Leno

"Bristol Palin just announced she had corrective surgery on her mouth. It's being called the right procedure on the wrong Palin." –Conan O'Brien

"Al-Qaida has not yet picked a new leader to run their terrorist organization. Apparently, candidates keep losing interest after asking, 'What happened to the last guy?'" –Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump says he uses Head & Shoulders on his hair. As a result, Head & Shoulders is suing Donald Trump for slander." –Conan O'Brien

"Bristol Palin said she had corrective surgery to fix her jaw, not cosmetic surgery. She must have gone to the same surgeon who corrected Victoria Beckham's breasts." –Jimmy Kimmel

"I don't know if you've ever tasted Godfather's Pizza, but if he can keep that place from going bankrupt, he is an economic genius." –Stephen Colbert on GOP presidential candidate Herman Cain

David Letterman's "Top Ten Questions on the Application to Replace Osama bin Laden"

10. "How many threats per minute can you type?"

9. "Can you work weekends?"

8. "Are you just doing this for the sweet 8-inch picture tube television?"

7. "How do your co-terrorists describe you?"

6. "What is the current bounty on your head?"

5. "Any ideas for a new catchphrase? 'Death to America' is kind of played"

4. "Would you require the use of the company llama?"

3. "How often do you delouse your beard?"

2. "Were you bar mitzvahed?"

1. "What are your long-term goals, besides not getting killed by Navy SEALs?"

May 6, 2011

2011-05-06T08:54:00.001-04:00

"How about those Navy Seals. We're getting our money's worth there. They broke into Osama bin Laden's compound with 12-foot walls topped by barbed wire, and fired a warning shot into his head." –David Letterman

"President Obama has done something that no one else has been able to do. He got Donald Trump so shut up." –Jay Leno

"Obama's even getting a little cocky. Today he held a press conference and said, 'Yeah, I was born in Kenya. What you gonna do about it?'" –Jay Leno

"NATO bombed Gadhafi's compound in Tripoli. The bombing damaged countless antique rugs and curtains, leaving Gadhafi with absolutely nothing to wear." –Jay Leno

"Trump said that he hoped bin Laden suffered a lot. It looks like he got his wish, because the CIA said bin Laden spent his last hour watching 'Celebrity Apprentice.'" –Conan O'Brien

"The Republicans are so happy about bin Laden they’ve granted President Obama full citizenship." –David Letterman

"Intelligence experts think Osama bin Laden lived in the compound in Pakistan with all of his wives for six years. So I guess he did suffer." –David Letterman

"Finding bin Laden was like finding a needle in a country that swore it didn’t have needles." –Stephen Colbert

"The CIA says bin Laden's last words were, 'Are you guys here about the dishwasher?'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Osama bin Laden is dead, which means the No. 1 threat to America is now the KFC Double Down." –Conan O'Brien

"Bin Laden was living in a house with no Internet access, which explains why there were all those bin Laden sightings at the Islamabad Kinko's." –Conan O'Brien

"The news of bin Laden's death interrupted this week's episode of 'Celebrity Apprentice.' Which begs the question, how do we kill bin Laden again next Sunday?" –Conan O'Brien

"Osama bin Laden was killed by U.S. forces. Everyone on TV has been really happy. Glenn Beck was crying — and then he found out about Osama." –Craig Ferguson

"I think the next election just got a lot easier for President Obama 'cause his response to every question during the debates will be: 'Wait, I forget…Did you kill Osama Bin Laden? Or did I kill Osama Bin Laden. Oh no, it was me, wasn't it?'" –Craig Ferguson

"Apparently, members of Al Qaeda are online slamming the U.S. I don't understand why the terrorists are so mad about Osama bin Laden's death. Everybody in Al Qaeda just got a promotion." –Craig Ferguson

"Osama bin Laden's death has been in the news all day. Leftish stations are going, 'President Obama saves the world.' Stations on the right are going, 'Obama kills fellow Muslim.'" –Craig Ferguson

"By the way – I should point out that - on the same night Obama was ordering the Navy to kill Osama Bin Laden, his potential opponent in 2012, Donald Trump was busy firing Playmate of the Month Hope Dworaczyk." –Jimmy Kimmel

“I suppose I should be expressing some ambivalence about the targeted killing of another human being. And yet — uhhhh, no!" –Jon Stewart

"Seth Meyers did a great job at the White House Correspondents Dinner. But I gotta say, this weekend Barack Obama really killed." –Stephen Colbert

"Osama bin Laden was apparently shot twice in the face. It looks like Dick Cheney may have been involved." –Jay Leno

"For their honeymoon, the royal couple wants to go somewhere they can have complete privacy and no one in the country will give away their location. I think they're going to Pakistan." –Jay Leno

As we speak, Osama bin Laden is living with SpongeBob in a pineapple under the sea." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Some top Republicans are giving most of the credit for killing bin Laden to former President George W. Bush. It's kind of like when someone opens a pickle jar and you say, 'Well, I loosened it.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Kate Middleton and Prince William said that for their honeymoon they want privacy in a country where no one will give away their location. I think they are going to Pakistan." –Jay Leno

"A 61-year-old bearded man went to the airport in New York, said his name was Osama bin Laden and he had a bomb in his bag. They knew it wasn't real, because he wasn't being protected by the Pakistani military." –Jay Leno

“Bin Laden was buried at sea. Or as Dick Cheney calls it, 'the ultimate waterboarding.'" –Jay Leno

"They say bin Laden lived in his compound with nine women and 23 children. I'm surprised the guy didn't shoot himself in the head." –Jay Leno

"They dumped bin Laden's body at sea, and I spoke with some clergymen that said he should be arriving in hell right about now. He would have gotten there sooner, but he had to go through Newark." –David Letterman

"Last night the Dalai Lama implied that the killing of Osama bin Laden was justified. I think his exact quote was, 'I love all living things, but that guy was a dick.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Marijuana plants were found near bin Laden's compound, which explains why bin Laden's last words were, 'Dude . . . '" –Conan O'Brien

"BP has been fined $25 million for causing an oil spill in Alaska five years ago. Or as BP refers to it, 'our warm up spill.'" –Conan O'Brien

David Letterman's "Top Ten Things Overhead While Watching Raid On Bin Laden"

10. 'We have got to get together for covert special ops raids more often'

9. 'Are we shooting this in the studio where we faked the moon landing?'

8. 'Someone run to the store and get daddy a pack of smokes'

7. 'Hit pause, I gotta take a leak'

6. 'These vibrating chairs are the best money we ever spent'

5. 'Biden, wake up!'

4. 'Mind if we switch over to the Celtics game for a second?'

3. 'We should totally post this on YouTube'

2. 'Seriously, Joe, wake up!'

1. 'I just wish Dick Cheney were alive to see this'

April 29, 2011

2011-04-29T08:56:00.001-04:00

"President Obama hosted the annual White House Easter Egg Roll. It was a little awkward though. Donald Trump showed up and demanded to see each egg's birth certificate." –Jimmy Fallon

"A study found Americans spend $1.2 trillion every year on stuff they don’t need. Or as Republicans call it, health care." –Jimmy Fallon

"St. Louis International Airport was hit directly by a tornado. They determined that tornadoes are no longer a danger, and now we can go back to being endangered by sleeping air traffic controllers." –Jimmy Kimmel

"They have to put Trump on every program, spewing his crazy ideas, because his poll numbers are so high. And his poll numbers are so high because they put him on every program, spewing his crazy ideas." –Jon Stewart

"There's now a nationwide shortage of Attention Deficit Disorder drugs. The FDA says it doesn't know how it happened. I guess somebody wasn't paying attention." –Jay Leno

"A lot of people are worried about the safety of America's nuclear power plants. It's important to remember that we've never had a full meltdown. We came close with Charlie Sheen, though." –Jay Leno

"President Obama is in town, and huge traffic delays are expected all over L.A. Tomorrow he's back on the East Coast, and huge traffic delays are expected all over L.A." –Conan O'Brien

"Former New Mexico Gov. Gary Johnson announced his candidacy for the GOP presidential nomination. Because when the other candidates aren't generating enough excitement, it's time to bring out Gary Johnson." –Conan O'Brien

"His real name is Gary Hussein Johnson. That's where it gets interesting." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama is in Los Angeles raising money for his campaign and meeting with Dr. 90210 about an ear tuck." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Queen Elizabeth turned 85 today. There was an awkward moment when she closed her eyes to make a wish and Prince Charles asked, 'Is she dead?'" –Craig Ferguson

"The good news is, President Obama was born in America. The bad news is, so was Donald Trump." –Jay Leno

"Did you see Donald Trump today? He said, 'I'm very proud of myself because I accomplished something no one else was able to accomplish.' So basically Trump is taking credit for President Obama proving that everything Trump has been saying for the last year is a bunch of crap." –Jay Leno

"It’s the 75th anniversary of the introduction of Social Security checks. For the younger viewers who don’t know what a Social Security check is, you’ll never see one in your lifetime, so don’t worry about it." –Jay Leno

“These people could have personally witnessed him being born out of an apple pie, in the middle of a Kansas wheat field, while Toby Keith sang the National Anthem – and they’d still think he was a Kenyan Muslim." –Jimmy Kimmel

"I’m surprised Donald Trump isn’t investigating whether Hawaii is an official state. A lot of vowels over there and not enough consonants." –Jimmy Kimmel

“Sarah Palin has written two books, her daughter Bristol has a book coming out – and now Levi Johnston is writing one too. Who would’ve ever guessed that America’s greatest literary dynasty would come out of an igloo?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama released his birth certificate today, proving once and for all that he was born in the United States. Yep, the certificate clearly shows that he was born on the all-American street of Kalanianaole Highway at the Kapiolani Hospital in Oahu." –Jimmy Fallon

"Donald Trump said he still wants to look more closely at Obama’s birth certificate to make sure that it’s real. Incidentally, President Obama said the same exact thing about Donald Trump’s hair." –Jimmy Fallon

"A new poll shows that President Obama's approval rating is down to 41 percent. A lot of people that voted for him now say they liked him a lot better when he was a Democrat." –Jay Leno

"The United States is sending its most powerful drone to Libya. That's a long trip for Joe Biden." –Jay Leno

"Former New Mexico Gov. Gary Johnson has announced that he will run for president in 2012. His campaign slogan: 'Even I've never heard of me.'" –Jay Leno

"House Speaker John Boehner said that President Obama needs to grow up. And then he burst into tears." –Jay Leno

April 22, 2011

2011-04-22T11:53:00.001-04:00

“NBC executives say that if Donald Trump does run for president, they will not renew 'The Apprentice.' So some good may come out of this." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama is celebrating Passover with a Passover Seder. After hearing this, Sarah Palin said, 'Ah, so he is a Muslim.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Obama will participate in a town hall meeting hosted on Facebook. So just like everyone else in America, Obama will be on Facebook when he should be working." –Conan O'Brien

"To celebrate Kim Jong Il's birthday. North Korea held the biggest magic show ever. Things got out of control when the magician pulled a rabbit out of his hat and it was immediately eaten by 28 million people." –Conan O'Brien

"The Department of Justice shut down the biggest online poker sites for violating the law. None of the poker players saw it coming because they were all wearing those stupid little sunglasses." –Craig Ferguson

"President Obama's critics are lashing out over him shutting down the poker sites. Sarah Palin called it an overreaction, Tim Pawlenty said it was irrational, and Donald Trump said, 'Be sure to watch 'Celebrity Apprentice.''" –Craig Ferguson

"Gambling and Washington don’t seem to go together at all. One's full of whores and seedy, soulless bastards and the other’s the gambling industry." –Craig Ferguson

"The boyhood home of Bill Clinton has been designated as a National Historic Site. It's great, but I hope it stops there. Because there are a million places that can say 'Bill Clinton Slept Here.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Forty percent of Americans say they would rather cut their own hair than do their taxes. And then there are people that would rather do neither. I'm talking to you, Willie Nelson." –Craig Ferguson

"Lenscrafters is upset with Tea Partier Michele Bachmann because she called Planned Parenthood 'the Lenscrafters of abortion.' Lenscrafters released a statement today calling her 'the Costco of crazy.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Trump is a little tone-deaf to the average American. He unveiled his slogan this week 'Are you better off than you were four wives ago?''" –Bill Maher

"Pakistan says they are slowing down their hunt for bin Laden. Slowing it down? What is it, 10 years now? Could you go any slower?" –Jay Leno

"Barack Obama recently presented a powerful speech detailing his 2012 budget. And he kept the audience, including Vice President Joe Biden, on the edge of their consciousness." –Stephen Colbert

"A study found 1 in 3 Americans lives near a nuclear power plant. And the other 2 live near a Kardashian. So we're all at risk of exposure to dangerous seepage." –Craig Ferguson

"The air traffic controllers are sleeping, the TSA is groping you, and the pilots are drunk. Who would have thought the most reliable workers at the airport would be the baggage handlers?" –Jay Leno

"Barack and Michelle Obama will appear on Oprah's show soon. Not to be outdone, Donald Trump's hair will be making an appearance on Animal Planet." –Jay Leno

"Prominent people are coming forward to attest to President Obama's American citizenship. The Governor of Hawaii just said he first met Obama just days after he was born. He knew it was Obama, because he kept pointing to his diaper and calling for change." –Conan O'Brien

"It just came out that Donald Trump once called Ronald Reagan 'a con man who couldn't deliver the goods.' Trump also called Abraham Lincoln 'a bearded moron who couldn't even sit through an hour of theater.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Sarah Palin has a 61 percent unfavorable rating in Alaska. That number jumps to 100 percent if you only ask the animals." –Conan O'Brien

"The Obama administration plans to give the Libyan rebels $25 million in non-lethal aid. The rebels look forward to starting an offensive with Super Soakers and t-shirt canons." –Conan O'Brien

"Gary Busey said on the 'Today Show' yesterday that Donald Trump would make a great President. Now Trump just needs endorsements from Randy Quaid and Charlie Sheen." –Conan O'Brien

"The FAA has suspended an air traffic controller for watching a movie while on the job. The guy explained that he just couldn't get to sleep." –Conan O'Brien

April 15, 2011

2011-04-15T12:50:00.000-04:00

"I'm not going to pay taxes. When they say I'm going to prison, I'll say no, prisons cost taxpayers a lot of money. You keep what it would have cost to incarcerate me, and we'll call it even." –Jimmy Kimmel

"After intense last minute negotiations, a deal was reached that will avoid a government shutdown. The Democrats and Republicans worked together on this one with one common goal ... to screw each other." –David Letterman

"It was so lovely today in New York that Charlie Sheen was bombing in the park. So beautiful Southwest Airlines put in screens. So nice in D.C. that President Obama was fanning himself with his birth certificate." –David Letterman

"President Obama says he misses being anonymous. You know, back when he could blend in with the other Hawaiian Barack Hussein Obamas." –Conan O'Brien

"To avoid a shutdown, the government cut $39 billion from the budget. The first thing to go was 'Real Housewives of D.C.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Gas has gone up 20 cents just this week. Shouldn't we stop calling it crude oil at this point and call it obscene oil?" –Jay Leno

"Obama said in an interview that he really misses being anonymous. If he wanted to remain anonymous he should have run for vice president." –Jay Leno

"If the government shuts down, all non-essential workers will stop coming to work. Here's my question: Why do we even have non-essential workers?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Donald Trump said he can't make a final decision about whether he will run for president or not until this season of 'Celebrity Apprentice' is over. Which is maybe the best excuse from a guy who might run for the presidency ever — I am unable to decide on whether or not I will run for President until I decide whether Latoya Jackson or Jose Canseco will be my new Apprentice." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Maybe he should ease into this — by running for a lower office first, like President of the Hair Club for Men." –Jimmy Kimmel

"If Donald Trump wins, my guess is America will look a lot like it did in 'Back to the Future 2,' when Biff was in charge." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Trump is doing well in the polls. He's in second place among Republican voters. Among Tea Partiers, he's in first place. Although to be fair, in the Tea Party poll, Chuck Norris is in second place and third place is an AK-47." –Jimmy Kimmel

"A new study found that families with two daughters are the happiest. Unless, of course, their dad currently has a 42 percent approval rating." –Jimmy Fallon

"It turns out that Bristol Palin was paid 260,000 dollars in 2009 for her work with abstinence awareness. You know what they say: Those who can't do, teach." –Jimmy Fallon

"Glenn Beck announced that he is ending his daily show on Fox News. He didn't want to end it. He just ran out of conspiracy theories." –Jay Leno

"Toyota says they're going to start integrating Microsoft technology into their vehicles. It's perfect for the person who wants a car that crashes every 10 minutes." –Conan O'Brien

“America is producing fewer Caucasian babies. I suppose China is beating us at in that too." –Stephen Colbert

"Fox News announced today that Glenn Beck will leave his show later this year. It's nothing personal. He just wants to spend more time with the voices in his head." –Jimmy Fallon

"Glenn Beck has announced that he is leaving his show on Fox News this year. Even more surprising is that he's leaving to marry his life-partner, Abdul Gonzales." –Conan O'Brien

"The White House says we'll be staying in Libya longer than expected. I didn't see that coming." –David Letterman

"President Obama wants to raise taxes on the country's richest people. And you thought Donald Trump hated him before." –Jay Leno

"Obama called on Americans to have more grandchildren. Probably so there's more of them to pay off our debt." –Jay Leno

"Vice President Joe Biden fell asleep during Obama's speech. He has now been named an honorary air traffic controller." –Jay Leno

"Joe Biden apparently fell asleep during President Obama's speech on reducing national debt yesterday. Now Joe Biden can embarrass the President without even opening his mouth." –Jay Leno

"Donald Trump said he will not decide about a possible run for the presidency until after the current season of 'Celebrity Apprentice' wraps up. Say what you want about Trump, at least this guy has his priorities in order. He doesn't want to let any reality get in the way of his reality show." –Jay Leno

"It's the 150th anniversary of the start of the Civil War. A new poll found that 23 percent of Americans sympathize with the Confederacy. They are described as 'not African-Americans.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump has a great campaign slogan: 'A complex world demands complex hair.'" –David Letterman

"They were interrogating Mubarak and he had a heart attack. There's nothing more stressful than being an out-of-work dictator." –David Letterman

"A huge Air France air bus hit a smaller plane on the runway at JFK. The collision was so loud it woke up one of the air traffic controllers." –David Letterman

"Oprah says that the president and first lady will appear on her April 2 show. At the end, she'll be giving them away." –Jimmy Kimmel

"According to a CNN poll, Trump nearly doubled his support from March. Actually, he just combed his March numbers over his current ones." –Conan O'Brien

"Michele Bachmann referred to Planned Parenthood as the LensCrafters of abortion. Then it got worse when she referred to Massachusetts as the Sunglass Hut of gay marriage." –Conan O'Brien

"The White House is saying Donald Trump has 'zero percent chance' of being elected. That seems a little high." –David Letterman

"Insiders say that Trump is running for president as a publicity stunt. That's not the Donald Trump I know." –David Letterman

"President Obama said in an interview over the weekend that he really misses being anonymous. He said, "I miss Saturday mornings rolling out of bed and not shaving, going to the market..." Be careful what you wish for, 2012 is just around the corner!" –Jay Leno

"In an exclusive interview with the Christian Broadcasting Network Donald Trump said "I believe in god." But of course Donald thought he was talking about himself." –Jay Leno

April 8, 2011

2011-04-07T21:10:00.000-04:00

"Republican Congressman Tom Marino, who is on the Foreign Affairs Committee, said: 'If we go into Libya, where does it stop? Do we go into Africa next?' So, you see why he’s not on the Intelligence Committee." –Jay Leno

"It's now being reported that CIA agents have entered Libya. We're not sure how long they'll be staying, but some of them just left Vietnam." –Jay Leno

"If Moammar Gadhafi goes into exile, there are only three places that would tolerate a raving madman like that: Venezuela, Saudi Arabia, and Fox News." –Jay Leno

"The CIA is now arming the Libyan rebels, which means that in 10 years, we’ll be fighting them." –David Letterman

"Uganda said Gaddafi could come live there in exile, which is amazing, because to Charlie Sheen they said no." –David Letterman

"On Fox News, Donald Trump said Obama's birth certificate could indicate that he's a Muslim. Trump said he doesn't trust anyone with a foreign-sounding name, and neither does his daughter Ivanka." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama was offered the first pitch for opening day, but he declined because he's a Muslim that hates our national pastime. Either that or he's busy with Libya." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The rebel army in Libya is just like 1,000 guys in Toyota trucks. The world is asking the question; can 1000 anti-government guys in pick-up trucks with small arms, take over a country of millions? To which I say, ask the Teabaggers." –Bill Maher

"Donald Trump announced he got his own segment every Monday morning on Fox News. Just what Fox News needs – another blonde airhead." –Bill Maher

"TLC will start airing new episodes of 'Kate Plus 8' starting this Monday. And they’re going to keep airing them until Gaddafi agrees to step down." –Jimmy Fallon

"Donald Trump is saying President Obama doesn’t have a birth certificate. Let’s just say he doesn’t. What are we going to do now? Make him go get one?" –David Letterman

"If the government shutdown occurs, there may be a freeze to all new wars in the Middle East." –Jay Leno

"While covering the war in Libya Geraldo Rivera was shot at by Khadafy’s forces. See, you never hear about the good things Gaddafi does." –Jay Leno

"Half a million women employees are suing Wal-Mart claiming men are better paid. Wal-Mart hired a bunch of female lawyers to defend them because they thought they could get them cheaper." –Jay Leno

"Fox News is dropping Glenn Beck's show. He spent the whole day crying his eyes out, and then he heard his show was getting dropped." –Craig Ferguson

"Scientists are saying that the Ozone Layer over the Arctic has shrunk a record 40%. Now, To give idea how much that is, it’s the biggest hole in sky not on a Southwest plane." –Craig Ferguson

"Bravo is canceling 'The Real Housewives of D.C.' after just one season. That's when unemployment is bad, when people who don't even have jobs are losing their jobs." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama said he doesn't have time to play games with Republicans on a budget deal. Which is bad news for the new video game 'Wii Budget Deal.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Medical marijuana users are now lobbying for the right to carry firearms. Because no one is a better shot than a stoned old man with glaucoma." –Conan O'Brien

"Barack Obama has finally thrown his turban into the ring. So far the Republican field looks like a bunch of guys responding to a Craigslist ad for a free couch." –Stephen Colbert

"President Obama will run for reelection in 2012. He’s not breaking up with us! He wants to work things out! He’s forgiving our poor record on post-recession job creation, our incessant demands to be talked to, every time we go to war." –Jon Stewart

"Experts say this Presidential campaign will be the most expensive in history. A far cry from the very first re-election campaign back in 1792. When George Washington ran against a young Senator named John McCain." –Craig Ferguson

"I think elections should be quick. If I have an election that lasts longer than four hours, I call the doctor." –Craig Ferguson

"President Obama said he plans on running for re-election against the Republicans. After the tax cuts for the rich, the bailouts for Wall Street, and the bombing in Libya, I already thought he was the Republican candidate." –Jay Leno

"Southwest Airlines said that the hole that ripped through the fuselage of one of their airplanes was not terrorism-related. Thank goodness! It was just maintenance neglect." –Jay Leno

"Officials at BP have filed for permits to drill for oil again in the Gulf of Mexico. They say the oil is easier to find than ever because it's mostly on top of the water." –Conan O'Brien

"Charlie Sheen's live show bombed so badly in Detroit that President Obama gave him a $4 billion bailout." –Jimmy Kimmel

"People who saw the show said it was disjointed, confusing, and largely nonsensical, which may have something to do with the fact that Charlie Sheen hosted it." –Jimmy Kimmel

"It's being reported that Katie Couric will be leaving CBS before the presidential campaigns. Who will be brave enough to ask Sarah Palin questions that should be incredibly easy to answer now?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Southwest Airlines canceled 600 flights because of a plane that suddenly got a 5-foot hole in the roof. You know American wouldn’t have canceled all those flights. They’d have just started charging a $50 sunroof fee." –Jimmy Fallon

"If Donald Trump loves America so much, why does he keep outsourcing the job of his wife?" –Seth Meyers

April 1, 2011

2011-04-01T09:42:00.001-04:00

"Sarah Palin continues to make significant contributions to the English language. She asked, 'Is Libya a war, an intervention, a squrmish, what is it?' Squirmish is how I feel every time I hear Sarah Palin talk." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama says that he prays every night before bed. Or as Fox News reported, 'Obama in Daily Talks With Allah.'" –Conan O'Brien

"In an interview with ABC, President Obama said he has to do something about the bags under his eyes. In response, Nancy Pelosi was like, 'Call this number and tell them Pelosi sent you.'" –Jimmy Fallon

“Newt Gingrich said he's afraid America will become an atheist country dominated by radical Islamists. Right. Our big problem could be religious atheists, almost as bad as pacifist warmongers. If they hook up with the communist capitalists we're screwed." –Jay Leno

"President Obama's speech on Libya was scheduled early so it wouldn't interrupt 'Dancing With the Stars.' That's ridiculous. This is a major historical event that affects the lives of millions of people. I can't believe it was almost interrupted by Obama's speech." –Jimmy Fallon

"Donald Trump showed his birth certificate to reporters. Who cares about his birth certificate? I want to know if that thing on his head has had its vaccinations." –Craig Ferguson

"Obama wanted to update the American people on Libya but unless Snooki is going to Libya, the American people don't care." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The Census Bureau says 50 million Hispanic people now live in the U.S. You know what that means: 80 million Hispanic people now live in the U.S." –Jimmy Fallon

"Congress is mad at President Obama because he didn't consult them before the war in Libya. Congress got us into two other wars and put us 14 trillion dollars in debt. I can't imagine why he didn't consult them." –Jay Leno

"President Obama addressed the nation on Libya. This changes his previous policy on Libya, which was, 'don't ask, don't tell.'" –Jay Leno

"In the wake of record losses, the U.S. Postal Service announced it is cutting 7,500 jobs. But a spokesman for the post office said those positions could be restored if this whole email thing turns out to be nothing but a fad." –Jay Leno

"General Electric did not pay any taxes at all last year. Of course that’s because G.E. reported its sale of NBC as a charitable donation." –Conan O'Brien

"About Libya, President Obama says we're staying for a short time and then leaving. That's what my relatives always say." –David Letterman

"I know the Supreme Court ruled that corporations are people, but what I didn't realize is that those people are a**holes." –Jon Stewart

"Michele Bachmann threw her hat into the ring. We think she's going to be running for president. For those who find Sarah Palin too intellectual, Michelle Bachman for President. As a comedian, all I can say is, where can I donate to this cause?" –Bill Maher

"If Bachman and Palin get in to the presidential race, that's two bimbos. And there there's Mitt Romney, the millionaire and Newt Gingrich, a professor. We just need a skipper and a buddy and we've got 'Gilligan's Island.'" –Bill Maher

"It's so fun to watch the Republicans be pro-bombing, but against Obama who's doing it. Newt Gingrich was so discombobulated this week, he made a pass at his current wife." –Bill Maher

"According to the latest reports, medical marijuana sales in this country are now approaching $2 billion a year. I had no idea that so many people had glaucoma. Apparently this is an epidemic." –Jay Leno

"The Eiffel Tower was evacuated after a suspicious package was found. French investigators were baffled by this object for hours. It turns out it was just a can of deodorant. They had never seen anything like that." –Jay Leno

"There are reports coming out that Moammar Gadhafi got hair plugs and face injections 16 years ago. So that’s why he looks so good." –Jimmy Fallon

March 11, 2011

2011-03-11T10:52:00.001-05:00

"Mexico's president arrived in Washington. He's here to do the work that American presidents won't do." –Jay Leno

"Charlie Sheen said that he's now more popular than President Obama, at which point Mike Huckabee accused him of growing up in Kenya." –Jay Leno

"In a new book, the Pope exonerates the Jews for the death of Jesus. Well, not a moment too soon. He really nipped that one in the bud." –Jay Leno

"I love tax season. My accountant says that I can save a lot of money if I declare my show a church." –David Letterman

"New Rule: When you make stupid into an art form, it's not stupid anymore. We just found out that the "Sarah Palin" who writes Sarah Palin's Facebook page is a fake, but the real Sarah Palin has her own Facebook page, under a fake name. And sometimes the real/fake Sarah Palin praises the work of the fake/real Sarah Palin. It's like Inception for hillbillies. There's also a rumor that she doesn't really need glasses, she just wears them to look smart. And when she has them on, Todd doesn't know she's Superman" –Bill Maher

"Republican Presidential hopeful Mike Hucka-BS is attacking actress Natalie Portman for getting pregnant without being married. It could get a little awkward if he runs into Sarah and Bristol Palin at Fox News." –Jay Leno

"Mexican President Calderon told President Obama that the United States must do more to reduce the demand for drugs. Obama said, 'We got Charlie Sheen off cocaine. What more do you want us to do?'" –Jay Leno

"Texas Gov. Rick Perry referred to the Mexican city of Juarez as the most dangerous city in America. In his defense, he probably just thought it was an American city because there were so many Mexicans there." –Jay Leno

"In a new interview, Newt Ginrich says he cheated on two of his wives because he was too consumed with love for his country. Yeah, apparently he misunderstood the phrase, 'Please rise for the pledge of allegiance.'" –Conan O'Brien

"I'm upset that friend of the show Mike Huckabee criticized Natalie Portman for having a child out of wedlock. Listen, I'm no fan of unwed mothers either, but this is Natalie Portman we're talking about. That unborn child is Luke Skywalker." –Conan O'Brien

"Charlie Sheen says he's going to go to Haiti: 'I want to show them what a real disaster looks like.'" –Conan O'Brien

"A flight attendant was fired from Virgin Airlines for placing a baby in an overhead compartment. To be fair, the baby did not fit under the seat." –Conan O'Brien

"Former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich is a man who cheated on his first wife and left her while she was in bed with cancer. Then he cheated on his second wife with his current, third wife. I don't think actual newts are this slimy." –Bill Maher

March 4, 2011

2011-03-04T08:44:00.003-05:00

"Libyan leader Moammar Gadhafi described President Obama as an African of Arab and Muslim descent. After the speech, Gadhafi was given his own show on Fox News." –Conan O'Brien"The price of oil is rising because of all the unrest in the Middle East. And the unrest in Wisconsin is causing the price of cheese to go through the roof." –Jay Leno

"The White House hosted a concert to celebrate the 'Motown sound,' which featured Nick Jonas. Nothing says Motown like a Jonas brother." –Craig Ferguson

"The king of Saudi Arabia announced that he is giving his people $37 billion in subsidies and payments. It's not a stimulus package, it's a 'don't overthrow me' package." –Jay Leno

"A new poll shows that Donald Trump could beat President Obama in 2012. The poll was taken by Trump Polls International." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama has appointed AOL founder Steve Case to the White House jobs council. Hiring the founder of AOL is expensive, but Obama got a CD-ROM in the mail that offered 100 free hours." –Jimmy Fallon

"Libyan dictator Moammar Gadhafi said that people protesting against him are under the influence of 'hallucination pills.' In a related story, Charlie Sheen just boarded a plane to Libya." –Conan O'Brien

"The Pentagon is testing a robotic hummingbird that can be used as a spy camera. They say it will help them track down terrorists and pretty flowers." –Jay Leno

"Texas is reportedly going to give college students the right to carry guns on campus. So I guess that next semester, every college student in Texas is getting straight A's." –Conan O'Brien

"If Gov. Scott Walker is driven out of power in Wisconsin, there will be a power vacuum that may be filled by the Muslim Brotherhood." –David Letterman

"Bill Clinton recently revealed that he only sent two e-mails while he was President. Then he added, "And it turns out those pills are just a scam." –Jimmy Fallon

"New rule: Stop calling it Obamacare. It's not like Obama will be the doctor for your next prostate exam. That's just a common fantasy of Republican men." Bill Maher

"The Senate has sent President Obama a spending bill that gives the government enough money to keep going for two weeks. Our Congress has the financial planning skills of a college sophomore." –Conan O'Brien

"A federal watchdog agency says that overlapping and duplicate programs waste billions of dollars each year. Congress is taking this study so seriously that they're ordering a second study to look into it." –Jay Leno

"They're saying Gadhafi is 'disconnected from reality.' According to the State Department, Gadhafi thought this year's Oscars were fantastic." –Conan O'Brien

"Gadhafi said his people 'love him.' I think that's what he said. It was hard to hear over the rebel gunfire." –David Letterman

"Sarah Palin was so accomplished as Governor she graduated early." –Jon Stewart

"On a rambling call to a TV station, Gadhafi ranted about his enemies and blamed others for his problems. He said he feels fine and is ready to go back to work. He's now the Charlie Sheen of Libya." –Jay Leno

"The latest rumor is that Moammar Gadhafi is calling other countries to find a place to live in exile. So far, only Chile has offered to rent out an empty mine." –Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin is going to India to make a speech. She’s hoping to visit some of those Indian casinos she’s heard so much about." –Jay Leno

"'King Kong' opened 78 years ago. It’s the story of a woman that gets carried away by an ape. The same thing happened to Maria Shriver." –David Letterman

"CBS has shut down Charlie Sheen’s show, 'Two and a Half Men.' Now I’m back to being CBS’ No. 1 paid embarrassment." –David Letterman

February 18, 2011

2011-02-18T11:28:00.002-05:00

"A Republican Congressman, Rep. Chris Lee, was caught flirting with a woman trolling for dates on Craigslist and sent her a shirtless photo of himself. He lied about his age and his marital status. He said he was 39 and divorced. He's 46 and married, though being a Republican congressman, I'm guessing he's really 60 and gay." –Bill Maher

"I got to give it up to him. He does look really buff in that picture. In fact, after he resigned he got a call from Barney Frank begging him to stay." –Bill Maher

"This whole revolution was started by a Facebook page. So Mubarak wasn't so much as deposed as de-friended." –Bill Maher

"For me the great mystery of this whole revolution was that for three weeks, these people were in this square with no bathrooms. How did they go? This will always be known in Egyptian history as the riddle of the sphincter." –Bill Maher

"Egypt's President Mubarak finally resigned. When they heard that a Muslim president stepped down, the Tea Party said, 'Obama's leaving?'" –Jay Leno

"Keith Olbermann has a new job on Al Gore's Current TV as an investigative reporter. His job will be to find anyone that watches Current TV." –Jay Leno

"President Obama unveiled his new budget, including $1 trillion in spending cuts, which Obama called the most painful choice he's ever made. Then he looked over at Joe Biden and said, 'OK, 2nd most painful choice.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Egyptian officials say that Hosni Mubarak is going through a 'severe psychological condition.' It's called 'getting dumped a week before Valentine's Day.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Dick Cheney presented Donald Rumsfeld with a Defender of the Constitution Award. And, yes, the irony was lost on both of them." –Seth Meyers

"Hosni Mubarak stepped down. You have to ask yourself if he's really leaving or if he's just pulling a Leno." –David Letterman

"Unfortunately, there's only one job available for an 82-year-old man [photo of Hosni & Kelly Ripa]" –Seth Meyers

"On Thursday Hosni Mubarak said he would not leave Egypt until he was dead. On Friday the crowd said, 'Deal!' So he fled." –Jay Leno

"First lady Michelle Obama told 'Regis & Kelly' she was expecting jewelry on Valentine's Day. She said it wouldn't be anything extravagant because Barack tends to be responsible when he's spending his own money." –Jay Leno

"Facebook is looking into buying Twitter for around $10 billion. If all goes as planned, the company hopes to combine the two companies, creating the biggest waste of time the world has ever seen." –Jay Leno

"Former Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak is thinking of moving to Los Angeles. Before you get him a roommate, just know that he's really hard to evict." –Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump said that he's not a fan of George W. Bush because he 'gave us Obama.' When he heard this, Bush was like, 'Oh my gosh. I'm Obama's dad?'" –Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama was in San Francisco today, meeting with a group of technology executives, including Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg. Their goal is to figure out how to create new jobs, to replace jobs that have been lost as a result of everyone spending all their time at work on Facebook." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Borders Books has filed for bankruptcy and will close all 200 of its superstores. When Sarah Palin heard that she went, 'Finally, we're closing the borders.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Experts say that what happened in Egypt proves that countries in the Middle East can move toward democracy without the U.S. invading them. George W. Bush said, 'Now you tell me.'" –Jay Leno

"Watson the computer crushed its human opponents on 'Jeopardy.' This is the greatest victory of machine over man since the election of Arnold Schwarzenegger." –Jay Leno

"Forty years since the War on Drugs began. This makes Charlie Sheen our most decorated veteran." –Jay Leno

"Now that Hosni Mubarak is out of office, they're saying he's an old tyrant, decrepit, and out of touch. Oh wait, that's me." –David Letterman

February 14, 2011

2011-02-14T09:27:00.001-05:00

"President Obama had lunch with Republican leaders at the White House today and had to do without salt, pepper and butter. Not for dietary reasons. The Republicans refused to pass anything." –Jay Leno

"The Catholic Church has approved an app that let’s you confess on your iPhone. You can now cheat and atone right on the same device. Perfect for Brett Favre." –Jay Leno

"The actual name for this app is “Priest in your pocket.” Don’t they read the paper? Couldn’t they come up with a better name?" –Jay Leno

"On the 'Today' show, Michelle Obama called the Bush twins 'magnificent' and Chelsea Clinton a 'solid young woman.' In fact, the only president’s kid she didn’t compliment was George Bush Sr.’s." –Jimmy Fallon

"Michelle Obama says her husband, President Obama, has quit smoking. Fox News reported this as 'Obama Destroying the Tobacco Industry.'" –Craig Ferguson

"President Obama called the coach of the Green Bay packers to congratulate him. Then he called to console the victims of the Black Eyed Peas halftime show." –Conan O'Brien

"The economics professor who helped craft President Obama's healthcare plan is going to explain that plan in a comic book. As a result, President Bush has now come out in favor of Obama's healthcare plan." –Conan O'Brien

"An Egyptian Google executive has become a hero to Egyptian protestors for a Facebook page he created. Still no luck selling his futon on Craigslist, though." –Conan O'Brien

"Dick Cheney says that Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak is a 'good friend.' Why am I not surprised by this?" –David Letterman

"President Obama urged private businesses to hire more workers. He didn't realize that only the government hires more people than it needs." –Jay Leno

"Keith Olbermann has a new show on Al Gore’s new network. I’m not saying the audience is small, but he begins his show with, Good evening, Al." –Jay Leno

"There was a power outage at Newark Airport. Who wants a TSA pat-down with the lights off?" –Jay Leno

"Peru has changed its national anthem. It wasn't too hard to change the lyrics. They just let Christina Aguilera sing it." –Jay Leno

"Christina Aguilera sang the wrong words to 'The Star-Spangled Banner.' And even worse, the Black Eyed Peas sang their songs exactly right." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama had a Super Bowl party which featured food from both Wisconsin and Pennsylvania, which explains why he tested positive for diabetes the next morning." –Conan O'Brien

"Over the weekend Dick Cheney declared Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak a good friend. Mubarak said, 'Dude, that's not really helping.'" –Conan O'Brien

"During his interview with President Obama last night, Bill O'Reilly asked him to explain how he deals with so many people hating him. In response, Obama said, 'You first.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"This year's Super Bowl was the most-watched event in history. Take that, moon landing." –Craig Ferguson

"Sunday is the 100th birthday of Ronald Reagan, and all over America, Republicans are going to celebrate this by throwing big parties and leaving the bill for Democrats to pay." –Bill Maher

"It’s just a tradition that First Ladies get to pick some mundane up until now non-controversial cause to promote. Lady Bird Johnson beautifying America, Barbara Bush had literacy. Betty Ford’s was no hard liquor before 10 AM. Our last First Lady Laura Bush worked tirelessly against illiteracy, so between her efforts and her husband’s, it was a tie. Hillary Clinton did pioneering work in looking the other way…" –Bill Maher on Michelle Obama's anti-obesity campaign

"Now Egyptians are demanding to see President Mubarak’s birth certificate. There’s a rumor he was born in New Jersey." –Jay Leno

"According to 'The National Enquirer' House Speaker John Boehner had his package stimulated. He’s being accused of having two affairs, one with a female lobbyist. That should end the criticism of the Republicans as 'The Party of No.'" –Jay Leno

"Egyptian President Mubarak’s son Gamal will not run for President. Why would he? An unpopular President is removed from office and his inexperienced son is voted in? That could never happen." –Jimmy Fallon

"Mitt Romney said in an interview that Sarah Palin would be great as president. He then added, “ . . . of Egypt." –Jimmy Fallon

February 4, 2011

2011-02-04T08:57:00.001-05:00

"There were two Republican responses to the State of the Union. So if you watched the whole night, it was kind of evolution in reverse. You have Obama, then Paul Ryan, and then Michele Bachmann. Then Animal Planet had a squirrel monkey give his take." –Bill Maher

"Sarah Palin weighed in on Sputnik. She got everything wrong. She said the Russians won the space race and that the Soviet Union collapsed because of Sputnik, which was in 1957, and they collapsed in 1991. She's not even dumb for a politician. She's dumb for a reality show contestant." –Bill Maher

"Palin is an expert on Sputnik, she said, because she can see the moon from her house." –Bill Maher

"Rep. Michele Bachmann created controversy when she said in a speech that the Founding Fathers worked tirelessly until slavery was no more. Apparently she spent her high school history class looking off to the right of the blackboard." –Seth Meyers

"Egypt has responded to hundreds of thousands of protesters by shutting down the internet. Listen, if you want people to stay home and do nothing, turn the internet back on." –Conan O'Brien

"Celebrities are tweeting about Egypt. Larry King has offered to go there and speak personally to the Pharaoh." –Conan O'Brien

"John Boehner, the congressman from Ohio, is the new speaker of the House. We know that he cries. It's some sort of enzyme problem. If he can't find his car keys, he'll just sit down and sob." –David Letterman

"Protesters in Egypt are demanding that President Murabak step down by Friday. Murabak says he'll leave in 5 years and then hand the job off to Conan." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Even Brett Favre was like, 'Come on man, retire already, you're embarrassing yourself.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"I've been watching a lot of the news footage, and it turns out they don't walk like Egyptians after all. They walk regular like us." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The good news is that Hosni Mubarak may step down. The bad news is that he may be replaced by his idiot son Hosni W. Mubarak." –David Letterman

"Astronomers say that 8 years from today an asteroid has a 1 in 200,000 chance of hitting Earth. About the same chance Sarah Palin has of becoming President, so it’s pretty scary either way." –Jay Leno

"There was a huge snowstorm in New York yesterday. I was complaining about it all day to my friend in Egypt." –Jimmy Fallon

"While in Egypt, CNN’s Anderson Cooper was attacked and beaten, which raises 2 questions. Is it safe to send our media into these places? And how do we get Glenn Beck over there?" –Conan O'Brien

"Anderson Cooper from CNN was there (in Egypt), and he got punched 10 different times. And I thought, well, wait a minute, that happens to me walking to work every day (here in New York)." –David Letterman

"The big rumor: Sarah Palin said she may run for president. I understand there's an opening in Egypt." –Jay Leno

"President Mubarak came out of the presidential palace today and saw his shadow; six more weeks of rock throwing." –Jay Leno

‎"These days it seems like you can't have an armed street mob without it turning ugly." –Stephen Colbert

January 28, 2011

2011-01-28T08:52:00.002-05:00

"A Washington Post columnist is proposing a 'Sarah-Palin-Free February,' a whole month in which she's not mentioned. This is stupid. Don't pick February, the shortest month." –Jay Leno

"For the State of the Union address last night, Republicans and Democrats sat next to each other, instead of on opposite sides. The press called it 'date night.' How come they go on a date, but we're the ones who get screwed." –Jay Leno

"The Republican response to the speech was fairly gracious. They said it was a pretty good speech for a foreigner." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama made his annual State of the Union address tonight from Washington, D.C. It was on all the channels. One of the shows they pre-empted was an hour of "America's Biggest Loser," which means all those fat people exercised this week for no reason at all." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Three Supreme Court justices — Samuel Alito, Antonin Scalia, and Clarence Thomas — did not attend the State of the Union address. Taking their place was Steven Tyler, Jennifer Lopez, and Randy Jackson." –Conan O'Brien

"The terrorist group Hezbollah has taken power in Lebanon and opponents have declared a day of rage. Or as it's known in the Middle East, Tuesday." –Conan O'Brien

"MSNBC has abruptly ended their relationship with Keith Olbermann, and according to his contract he's not allowed back on television for at least six months. Or as industry experts call it, The Conan." –Conan O'Brien

"Vice President Joe Biden was called for jury duty. He can get out of it if he can convince the judge that his presence at his job is essential. So he’s going to jury duty." –Jay Leno

"Chinese President Hu Jintao was hinting that China may not loan the U.S. any more money. President Obama is now talking to him about a reverse mortgage." –Jay Leno

"After Larry King and Regis Philbin, Keith Olbermann is leaving television. Bad things always happen in threes — like the Jonas Brothers." –Craig Ferguson

"Good news. Congresswoman Gabby Giffords is able stand up and the next stop is rehab. Now if we could only say the same thing about Charlie Sheen. In a related story, Sarah Palin's doctors say that any idea that entered her brain this week passed straight through and came out the other side." –Bill Maher

"Every Republican in Congress voted to repeal the health care legislation. They admitted it was symbolic, but it does enable Republicans to brag in campaign ads next year that they voted to let poor people die." –Bill Maher

"What amazes me is that that kind of stuff never makes John Boehner cry. … Congress this week was recognizing the 50th anniversary of John F. Kennedy's inauguration, a man that John Boehner doesn't like, has no allegiance with politically, and it was 50 years ago. He cried. This guy is an ad for Paxil." –Bill Maher

"Boehner was subject to some controversy because the President hosted President Hu of China this week, and Boehner was invited to the State Dinner and did not come. President Hu was very disappointed. He promised his friends back home that he would get a picture with the 'orange man who leaks." –Bill Maher

"It was quite a site to see Obama next to President Hu. Obama has a Nobel Peace Prize in his basement, and Hu has a Nobel Peace prize winner in his." –Bill Maher

"Obama is huge in the polls these days. His popularity is soaring. Even conservatives are coming around. 30 percent of them now believe Obama deserves a Green Card." –Bill Maher

"While visiting Chicago, President Hu met with Cubs fans. Apparently, he wanted to see some Americans who have suffered more human rights violations than his own people." –Jay Leno

"The White House held a state dinner for Chinese President Hu Jintao. There were 200 people, a six-course dinner, and champagne. It was so expensive that we had to borrow money from China for the dinner." –David Letterman

"The cellist Yo-Yo Ma was there. It's the first yoyo we've had in the White House since George W. Bush." –David Letterman

"Chinese President Hu Jintao is visiting us. When a country owes you a billion dollars they have a problem. When they owe you a trillion dollars, YOU have a problem. We’re too big to fail!" –Jon Stewart

"Tea Party rebutter Michele Bachmann is under fire for saying the Founding Fathers eliminated slavery. Sarah Palin is very upset. Another female Republican trying to steal the dumbass vote." –Jay Leno

"Last night, President Obama gave the State of the Union address. Vice President Biden called it a great speech. House Speaker John Boehner called it a real tearjerker." –Jay Leno

"President Obama said our country is facing another Sputnik moment, which is well over the heads of a lot of young people. They think Sputnik is Snooki's older sister." –Jay Leno

"A social networking revolution has started in Saudi Arabia. Over 10 million Saudis are now online. In fact, the most popular social networking site for women in Saudi Arabia: 'Cover-Your-Face-Book.'" –Jay Leno

"President Obama promised to veto any bill sent to his desk with earmarks. I think he's just being overly sensitive about his ears." –Jimmy Kimmel

January 21, 2011

2011-01-21T11:25:00.001-05:00

"We had a national tragedy this week, and the President of the United States and Sarah Palin both made speeches on the same day. Obama came out against lunatics with guns, she gave the rebuttal." –Bill Maher

"You know the difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull? At some point a pit bull does stop whining." –Bill Maher

"Sarah Palin said that she resented being identified as part of the problem. And then she said we’d have to excuse her, she had to work on her agenda of guns on demand, no health care for the insane, and casting the President as a foreign enemy." –Bill Maher

"Whatever you do, do not compare her to the shooter, because he is a gun-loving lunatic who can't hold a job and leaves rambling messages on the Internet." –Bill Maher

"John Boehner skipped the memorial to attend a fundraising cocktail party. He said it's not that he doesn't care, just that it was sad and he's one of those men who's uncomfortable showing emotions in public." –Bill Maher

"A lot of the Republicans, I must say, I give it up to them, they applauded Obama's speech. Some of them said, I swear to God, it was too good, said it was just a little too good. They said, if you want us to love a black man with a golden voice, he'd better be a homeless guy, begging for change." –Bill Maher

"In her video posted on her Facebook page, Sarah Palin condemned the media's coverage of the Arizona shootings by using the phrase 'blood libel,' which refers to a harsh anti-Semitic slur. And I would be super-offended if I thought she knew that." –Seth Meyers

"Doctors say Dick Cheney may need a heart transplant, but Cheney isn’t worried. He’s already picked out a hunting buddy." –David Letterman

"Dick Cheney predicts that President Obama will only last one term. This is coming from the same guy that predicted weapons of mass destruction in Iraq." –David Letterman

"Good news tonight. The chief victim of that shooting in Tucson is sitting upright and talking. (On screen: Sarah Palin on Fox News)" –Jon Stewart

"Dick Cheney had to consult his physician today. Not for his heart. Every time the price of oil goes up more than $1 a barrel, Cheney gets an erection that lasts more than 4 hours." –Jay Leno

"Chinese President Hu Jintao visited the White House. Fox News said it was a gathering of the world's most powerful communist — and the president of China." –Craig Ferguson

"President Obama held a state dinner for Chinese President Hu Jintao. The world leader with the funny name, who grew up in Asia, said he enjoyed meeting President Hu." –Conan O'Brien

"The Republican-controlled House voted to repeal the healthcare bill. If that goes well, they'll see what they can do about this whole 'women voting' thing." –Conan O'Brien

"Arnold Schwarzenegger says he's considering doing a movie in which he would play a Nazi. He says that after being governor of California, he's looking for a job that will make people hate him less." –Conan O'Brien

"Obama and Hu had a private dinner the night before. When Obama tried to pick up the check, Hu said, 'Your money is no good here.' Obama laughed, and Hu said, 'No, really, your money is no good.'" –Jay Leno

"President Hu's advance team came a week earlier to make sure that wherever he's staying has no Chinese drywall." –Jay Leno

"Republicans voted today to repeal health reform. Democrats warned this could make it harder for older Americans to get health care. Hugh Hefner’s new fiance said, 'Good!'" –Jay Leno

"New Speaker of the House John Boehner chose not to attend the dinner for Chinese President Hu. In China, they're calling him an orange chicken." –Jimmy Fallon

Watch: Jon Stewart on Sarah Palin’s Faux Interview

January 14, 2011

2011-01-14T09:11:00.002-05:00

"Sarah Palin's reality show will not be returning as she contemplates a possible run for president in 2012. When a candidate walks away from a reality show, that's when you know they're serious about being president of the United States." –Jay Leno

"Chinese President Hu Jintao will be at the White House next week. The good news is, he has no plans to foreclose. We can stay another month." –Jay Leno

"Former U.S. House Majority Leader, Tom DeLay, has been sentenced to three years in prison. One year for money laundering and two more for his performance on 'Dancing with the Stars.'" –Jay Leno

"Sad news. It looks like 'Sarah Palin's Alaska' won't be back for a second year. How does that make her feel? She was governor, almost vice president. She gets one year. Snooki's on her third year." –Jay Leno

"Due to the recession there are now 15,000 less lawyers. Nobody ever talks about the good things that happen because of the recession." –Jay Leno

"The blizzard was three hours of howling wind — kind of like Rush Limbaugh's radio show." –Conan O'Brien

"The date 1/11/11 only happens once every hundred years. When Larry King heard, he said, 'This again?'" –Conan O'Brien

"Former Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger starts a speaking tour later this month. Tickets are selling for between $270 and $427. Imagine how much they would charge if he could actually speak." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The two biggest websites right now are Wikipedia, where you go to learn about things you care about, and Facebook, where you go to learn about people you stopped caring about years ago." –Craig Ferguson

"John Edwards has denied 'The National Enquirer' story that he asked his mistress to marry him. Who are you gonna believe, the sleazy purveyor of lies or 'The National Enquirer'?" –Jay Leno

"A new study shows that a woman's tears can chemically lower the level of testosterone in a man. When that happens, the man will also start to cry and then eventually be elected speaker of the House." –Jay Leno

"Illinois officials report that drug sniffing dogs are wrong as much as 70 percent of the time — probably because they're sniffing drugs all day." –Jay Leno

"The Obama administration announced that the economy added 103,000 new jobs in December — mostly to homeless radio announcers." –Jay Leno

"California Congresswoman Lynn Woolsey referred to the war in Afghanistan as a 'national embarrassment.' Then she watched the premiere of 'Jersey Shore' and was like, 'Never mind.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Lawmakers are getting tough on bullying. New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie signed some of the toughest anti-bullying laws in the nation. Then someone gave Christie a wedgie and said, 'Ha ha. You've got a girl's last name.'" –Conan O'Brien

"The new Republican-controlled House of Representative decided to start things off by reading the entire Constitution aloud. Then there was a break for lunch and a slave auction." –Jimmy Kimmel

"According to a group that monitors government waste, the Republicans' reading of the Constitution cost taxpayers a $1 million. Only politicians could spend money reading." –Jimmy Kimmel

"In his first speech as Speaker, Boehner thanked his loved ones – tobacco lobbyists, the oil companies, the CEOs." –Jay Leno

"Outgoing Speaker Nancy Pelosi gave a speech and handed the gavel to John Boehner. Very emotional moment for Pelosi, but she managed to keep a stiff upper lip, a tightly stretched forehead, and unnaturally arched eyebrows." –Jay Leno

January 7 2011

2011-01-07T08:44:00.001-05:00

"Republicans took control of the House for the first time in four years. They say they're going to stick to a strict interpretation of the Constitution. I hope you didn't like voting, women and non-whites." –Jimmy Kimmel

"They're also hoping to cut back on government regulation on Wall Street. I think we can all agree that Wall Street does a good job policing itself." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The last speaker, Nancy Pelosi has a frozen face and John Boehner has an orange face. If you put them together, you've got the Creamsicle of the House." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Congress was broadcast live on Facebook for the first time in history. Now you can waste time and not get work done by watching Congress waste time and not get work done." –Jimmy Fallon

"Thousands of birds fell dead in Arkansas. It's either al-Qaida, or Dick Cheney is hunting again." –David Letterman

"They now say that our national debt will have to be paid off by our children. So thank God for Kate Gosselin and the Octomom." –Jay Leno

"The commander of the USS Enterprise was relieved of duty because of his involvement in making raunchy videos while onboard the Navy ship. The good news: Today he was offered a job as a producer on 'Jersey Shore.'" –Jay Leno

"Jerry Brown is Governor of California again. How California is that, hooking up with your ex years later?" –Jay Leno

"Why is it no human being can withstand more than two years as a presidential press secretary? There must be an organ somewhere in the body that can only filter two years worth of heavy duty bullsh*t." –Jon Stewart on Robert Gibbs' retirement

"The captain of the USS Enterprise aircraft carrier has been relieved of command for appearing in raunchy videos on the ship. They are calling this the most embarrassing video involving Navy personnel since that guy from the Village People." –Jay Leno

"This weekend in Arkansas, thousands of dead birds dropped out of the sky and there were 100,000 dead fish in the rivers. Also, McDonald's is having a special on Chicken McNuggets and Filet of Fish." –Jay Leno

"Apparently this is Arkansas' version of the New Year's Eve ball drop." –Jay Leno

"You know why I think the birds fell out of the sky? Tweeting." –Jay Leno

"Christine O'Donnell is being investigated for using campaign funds to pay for personal expenses. I think it's a witch hunt." –Jay Leno

"Snooki is now a published author. I’m blaming Sarah Palin. She lowered the bar." –David Letterman

"One man claims President Obama wants to give the entire U.S. back to the Indians. That’s terrible. They might build burial mounds on top of our sacred malls." –Stephen Colbert

David Letterman's "Top Ten Things Overheard During The Republicans' First Day In Charge Of The House"
10. "Mr. Boehner, please stop crying"
9. "How do we blame this dead bird thing on Obama?"
8. "I think he was just sworn in on a copy of Snooki's new book"
7. "Beer me!"
6. "Alright, you've had six hours, is the economy fixed?"
5. "Speaker Boehner, please stop blowing your nose"
4. "When is vacation?"
3. "No, Sen. McCain, Woodrow Wilson doesn't work here anymore"
2. "When do we get to sleep with the pages?"
1. "How soon can we go back to invading countries for oil?"

December 30

2010-12-30T08:50:00.001-05:00

(Most of the late night hosts are on vacation, so not that many quotes this week)

“The census shows there are more than 308 million people living in America. The amazing part is: More than half of those people are Americans." –Jay Leno

"Imagining Donald Trump flying on Jet Blue is like trying to imagine Sarah Palin flying on Air Force One." –David Letterman

"It was so cold in Washington, President Obama got into bed with the Republicans just for the warmth." –Jay Leno

"On a flight from Cuba to Canada, a man threatened to shoot flight attendants after they stopped serving him drinks. He has been charged with making death threats and if convicted, he could lose his pilot's license." –Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin, part-time Governor of Alaska, is angry because Michele Obama is encouraging kids to eat healthy. Sarah Palin believes the government shouldn’t tell us what to do. Sarah Palin believes she should tell us what to do." –David Letterman

"The Pilgrims landed on this date in 1620. The first year they lost everything they had, in an Indian casino." –David Letterman

"Happy birthday to Chinese President Hu Jintao. President Obama was going to get him a present, but it's a little weird buying someone a gift with their own money." –Jimmy Fallon

"Congress repealed 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell'. The Pentagon can now start production on 'Iraq the Musical.'" –David Letterman

"Last night on 'Sarah Palin's Alaska,' the Palins went white water rafting with a guide named Mudflap. It was such an odd name Sarah Palin asked, "Are you sure you're not one of my kids?" –Jimmy Fallon

"It has been raining hard here in Los Angeles. We have gotten so much water, illegal immigrants are literally coming in waves." –Jay Leno

David Letterman's "Top Ten Surprises In The 2010 Census"

10. Census Bureau lost count halfway through and had to start over
9. Population has grown by 9.7 percent; Population's waist size has grown by 42 percent
8. North Dakota is used mainly for storage
7. The profile of the average American is a Minnesota claims-adjuster named Duane
6. Wealthiest neighborhood is wherever Tiger Woods' ex-wife is staying that day
5. More Americans get their news from RKO newsreels than from any other source
4. Only one American wore a meat dress last year
3. Osama bin Laden owns a specialty cheese shop in Park Slope, Brooklyn
2. Eighty-seven percent of professional athletes have dated Kim Kardashian
1. Most common name for women: Mrs. Larry King

December 22

2010-12-22T08:56:00.000-05:00

"You wouldn't know it in Los Angeles, but it's freezing in much of the country, with temperatures in the 20s in parts of Florida. I don't know how she did it, but the whole country has turned into 'Sarah Palin's Alaska.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Michelle Obama said that obesity is a national security threat because 1 in 4 young people are too overweight to join the military. Couldn't we just have a separate fat army to fight in countries that don't have hills?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner has been released from the hospital after undergoing treatment for a kidney stone. He says he's recovering. Good luck, that's what he said about the economy." –Jay Leno

"Chernobyl is being opened to tourists. I guess for people who feel they’re not getting enough radiation from the body scanners. It’s the perfect destination for people who like to experience toxic wastelands and have already been to New Jersey." –Jay Leno

"Someone apparently found an old Internet dating profile posted by WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange, and it has been posted online. Assange was furious, saying 'Some things are supposed to be private.'" –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama met with leaders of 60 American Indian tribes. I don't want to say the country's in bad shape, but he offered to give it back to them." –Jay Leno

"The president was honored by the Indians with his own Indian name. They now call him, 'Dances With Republicans.'" –Jay Leno

"A lot of companies had their Christmas parties tonight. A lot of people couldn't make it because their company is in India." –Jay Leno

"On his last show, Larry King told Bill Clinton they were both members of the Zipper Club because they both had open heart surgery. Clinton was, "Uh, yeah, that's why I'm a member of the Zipper Club..." –Jimmy Fallon

"The EPA just announced that the artificial sweetener saccharin is NOT a cancer threat after all. Or as I'll be reporting the story 10 years from now, 'The EPA just announced that the artificial sweetener saccharin is definitely a cancer threat after all.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A new survey finds that although his approval ratings are low, President Obama is still ahead of the most prominent Republicans. Have you seen his tax plan? He is the most prominent Republican." –Jay Leno

"A group of TSA agents has formed a choir to entertain travelers as they go through security. It's not helping that the only song they sing is Journey's 'Loving, Touching, Squeezing.'" –Conan O'Brien

"This Christmas season, the post office will handle 10 billion packages. They won't deliver them, they'll just handle them." –David Letterman

"In Abu Dhabi, there's an $11 million Christmas tree. The prime minister of Abu Dhabi said he hoped the tree would be a symbol that Abu Dhabi has a lot more money than us. And that we're paying far too much for gas." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The Obamas had their dog, Bo, sign their Christmas card this year with a paw print. But Bo only agreed to do it after Obama agreed to extend the Bush-era treats policy." –Jimmy Fallon

"Several TSA officers have formed a holiday choir at the Los Angeles International Airport. Which, of course, answers the question: How can going through airport security possibly get any worse?" –Jimmy Fallon

December 17

2010-12-17T08:41:00.000-05:00

"Sarah Palin flew down to Haiti to help earthquake victims. Poor Haitians, they can't get a break. First the earthquake, then the hurricanes, and now Sarah Palin." –David Letterman

"Palin went camping with Kate Gosselin on her TV show. What a pair. You have a vapid media star desperate for attention — and then there's Kate Gosselin." –David Letterman

"Kate Gosselin was on the TLC show, 'Sarah Palin's Alaska,' and Palin told Kate that you're putting your family in danger if you don't bring a gun with you in the wilderness. Of course there's always the other option: not taking your kids into the wilderness." –Jimmy Fallon

"FedEx said that it shipped 16 million packages today on its busiest day of the year. That's right, they handled 16 million packages. Or as the TSA calls that, 'kind of a slow day.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Ukraine announced plans to open Chernobyl, their nuclear disaster site, to tourists. They say it's just like Disneyland, except the 6-foot mouse is real." –Conan O'Brien

"Time magazine is now ranking the best tweets of the year and, according to Time, the best tweet for 2010 was written by John McCain. Experts say it's even more impressive because McCain thought he was opening his garage door." –Conan O'Brien

"Anderson Cooper has announced that the title of his new show is just 'Anderson.' I think I speak for everyone here at 'Conan' when I say, 'God, what an ego on that guy!'" –Conan O'Brien

"Some of the WikiLeaks people are said to be leaving to start their own site OpenLeaks. To which WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange said, 'You'd better not steal any of our stuff...' –Jay Leno

"Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner had to go to the hospital today because of a kidney stone. On the bright side, the stone was the first thing in months passed by a member of the Obama administration." –Jimmy Fallon

"Sarah Palin is going to Haiti this weekend to deliver humanitarian aid. If there's one thing that's reassuring, it's seeing Sarah Palin above you in a helicopter." –Jimmy Fallon

"George W. Bush's daughter, Jenna, just put her home in Baltimore on the market for $500,000. The real estate agent said, 'I just want to warn you that offers have gone way down ever since the economy was ruined by . . . someone.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama lit the national Christmas tree, a 40-foot Colorado Spruce. Republicans don't believe it's really from Colorado, and they want to see a birth certificate." –Jay Leno

"Apparently the president couldn't decide whether to put white Christmas lights or red and green Christmas lights up. Why not just ask the Republicans? They'll tell you what to do." –Craig Ferguson

"Do you know that President Obama is into re-gifting? In fact, he just gave the Republicans the tax cuts he inherited from President Bush." –Jay Leno

"According to WikiLeaks, the airing of American TV shows in the Middle East is helping to stop Islamic extremism. Would-be terrorists watch our reality shows and realize they've already won." –Conan O'Brien

"WikiLeaks supporters have hacked into Sarah Palin's credit card information after she criticized Julian Assange. Sarah said she's very upset, and hopes all suspicious charges to her account can be refundiated." –Jimmy Fallon

"Supporters of WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange have been targeting Sarah Palin's accounts. They figured out her password, which was 'Palin2012.' They got it on the first guess." –Jimmy Kimmel

"After hacking into Visa and MasterCard yesterday, WikiLeaks supporters now want to take down Amazon.com. After they do it, Amazon will suggest a list of similar sites they might also enjoy hacking." –Jimmy Fallon

"Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg has been named Time magazine's Person of the Year. They said he has single-handedly changed the way we waste time at work." –Jay Leno

December 10

2010-12-10T08:56:00.000-05:00

"President Obama has extended the Bush-era tax cuts. Great. Let's extend the policies of the guy who gave us the greatest recession in the history of the planet." –David Letterman

"So it’s Bush tax cuts for two more years, and then it’ll be up to President Palin." –David Letterman

"It looks like the Bush-era tax cuts for the rich will continue, due to a strong Republican leader, Barack Obama. Today Obama changed his slogan from 'Yes we can' to 'Yes, we caved.' It’s so bad for him, now Democrats want to see his birth certificate." –Jay Leno

"The tax cut deal means tax cuts for the rich and benefits for the unemployed. If you work for a living, you're screwed." –Jay Leno

"President Obama's pledge to have the most transparent administration in history has come true. Thanks to WikiLeaks." –Jay Leno

"You have to be careful of political correctness this time of the year. You can't call them 'Santa's elves' anymore. They're 'undocumented little people.'" –Jay Leno

"Willie Nelson was arrested for possession of marijuana. Nothing yet on bin Laden, but we got Willie Nelson." –David Letterman

"Between the made-up words and wildly shooting at anything with four legs, Sarah Palin is turning into Elmer Fudd." –Jimmy Kimmel

"WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange says he's going to release damaging files on BP and Guantanamo Bay if his website is shut down. Excuse me? No one besmirches the good names of BP and Guantanamo Bay." –Jimmy Fallon

‎"The season wouldn't feel the same without people going out of their way to be offended by nothing." –Jon Stewart on the "War on Christmas"

"Nigerian authorities are charging former Vice President Dick Cheney on a bribery scandal that involves Haliburton. That's when you know you're bad, when guys in Nigeria are accusing YOU of running a scam." –Jay Leno

"President Obama made a surprise visit to Afghanistan. Nobody knew he was going — except for the WikiLeaks guy." –Jay Leno

"Part-time Governor Sarah Palin shot and killed a reindeer on last week’s TV show. And that was her Christmas special. Took her three shots. Well, she’s rusty. Last thing she brought down was John McCain." –David Letterman

"Going through airport security, you have a choice of being groped or photographed nude. Why can't we have both?" –David Letterman

"According to a report, the worst drivers in the country are in Washington, D.C. Republicans can only turn right, Democrats can only turn left, and Obama is weaving all over the place." –Jay Leno

"China is holding about a trillion dollars in U.S. debt. Next time you go for Chinese food and the bill comes, tell them to put it on the tab." –Jay Leno

"WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange was in court today, and when the judge asked for his address he said he didn’t want to give out that information. Well, everyone has a right to privacy." –Jay Leno

"The annual Christmas Village in Philadelphia has been renamed The Holiday Village. And Santa's reindeer have now become Non-Denominational Venison." –Jay Leno

"It's so cold that the security guys at the airports are putting their hands in their own pants." –David Letterman

"'A Charlie Brown Christmas' was just on. According to a recent poll, most Americans think Charlie Brown is a Muslim." –David Letterman

"Sarah Palin shot a reindeer on the last episode of her show. You don't typically see politicians shooting reindeer to death two weeks before Christmas." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama has reached a deal with Republicans to extend the Bush tax cuts, in exchange for extending jobless benefits. Republicans in Congress say they're thrilled with the tax cuts, while Democrats leaving Congress say they're thrilled with the jobless benefits." –Jimmy Fallon

"The Republicans might be willing to allow homosexual men and women to die for their country, once anyone earning over $500,000 a year is allowed to park in handicapped spaces and be addressed as 'Guvner' in an English accent." –Daily Show correspondent John Oliver on Don’t Ask Don’t Tell

December 3

2010-12-03T11:33:00.000-05:00

"On Glenn Beck's radio show yesterday, Sarah Palin accidentally said, 'We have to stand with our North Korean allies.' Then Palin was like, 'Wait. North Korea's the one in the south, right?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A special thanks to our audience tonight. You must really hate your relatives to come down here on Thanksgiving Day. The original Thanksgiving with the Pilgrims lasted three days. That was before we learned we could eat three days worth of food in one day." –Jay Leno

"Bristol Palin came in third in 'Dancing with the Stars.' Sarah Palin is not at all happy with the decision – she's already planning to refudiate it." –Jay Leno

"A new study says that radiation from Wi-Fi is hurting trees. Environmentalists are calling it the worst assault on trees since George W. Bush and Sarah Palin became authors." –Jimmy Fallon

"In her new book, Sarah Palin says she once gave up chocolate for an entire year just to prove she could do it. Still think she's not qualified to be President?" –Jimmy Fallon

"George H.W. Bush and Barbara Bush had a wonderful interview with Larry King. Larry is so confused. He asked Barbara Bush how long she has been on the Quaker Oats box" –David Letterman

"Have you heard the TSA's new slogan? 'We handle more junk than eBay.'" –Jay Leno

"North Korea attacked South Korea by brazenly firing mortars into their country. Apparently what happened was, Kim Jong Il got angry over the fact that Bristol Palin made it to the finals of 'Dancing With the Stars.'" –Jay Leno

"In the latest Harry Potter film, Harry loses his friends, has to battle overwhelming evil forces, and hides in exotic foreign places to avoid public scrutiny. I'm sorry, that's President Obama." –Jay Leno

"On Fox News, Sarah Palin said, 'I want to clean up the state, that is so sorry today, of journalism and I have a communications degree.' After that sentence, they might take it back." –Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin has managed to use her failed vice presidential run to put herself in a position of power and influence. Joe Biden won the race and he hasn't been able to put himself in a position of power and influence." –Craig Ferguson

"According to the TSA, most of the people protesting the new body search procedures are men. At last they're getting to see what it's like to be groped by someone who won't take no for an answer." –Jay Leno

"In a recent interview, Sarah Palin said we must stand with our North Korean allies. When she was corrected she said, 'Listen, geometry was never my strong suit.'" –Jay Leno

"Federal workers have had their pay frozen for two years. The worst part is that the workers found this out on WikiLeaks." –Jay Leno

"The name 'WikiLeaks' doesn't sounds like espionage. It sounds like Barbara Walters interviewing Ricky Martin." –Craig Ferguson

"President Obama was elbowed during a basketball game and had to receive 12 stitches. Obama said it was almost as embarrassing as the time he was dunked on by Barney Frank." –Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday a woman wore a bikini to LAX airport hoping to avoid the patdown. She is still being patted down." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama took an elbow to the face last week and had to get 12 stitches. He was in line at Best Buy trying to get a $49 Blu-ray player." –Jimmy Kimmel

"WikiLeaks shows our allies are also funding the terrorists. So we’re like the commissionless middlemen in a war we’re waging against ourselves." –Jon Stewart

"President Obama announced a two-year pay freeze for all federal employees. This means the next time the TSA agent is reaching into your pockets, he's looking for spare change." –Jay Leno

"Six in 10 Mexicans believe life is better in the United States. The other 4 out of the 10 already live here." –Jay Leno

"President Obama held a ceremony at the White House to celebrate the first night of Hanukkah. In response, Republicans said, 'It's even worse than we thought. He's a Jewish Muslim.'" –Conan O'Brien

"The government is considering raising the retirement age to 69. In other words, they want Brett Favre to play two more years." –Conan O'Brien

November 24

2010-11-24T09:13:00.000-05:00

They broke ground at the George W. Bush Presidential Library out there in Dallas. I know you're snickering already. The guy never read a book in his life but he's got a library. How does that happen?" –David Letterman

"Bush opening a library, that's like Kirstie Alley opening a can of diet coke." –David Letterman

"Sarah Palin says she's going to run for President in 2012. 2012. Donald Trump said he's going to run for President in 2012 against Sarah Palin. Nice to know there will somebody equally unqualified." –David Letterman

"There's going to be problems when Donald Trump runs. They had a lot of problems with Obama, you wait until Donald Trump runs because the rumor is that thing on his head was not born in this country." –David Letterman

"TSA says they are going to crack down on the invasive pat-downs. In fact, one agent was transferred to another parish." –David Letterman

"Three finalists on 'Dancing with the Stars,' two of whom can dance and Bristol Palin who cannot, but her mother has an army of Eskimo robots calling in votes day and night. The Palins dream of a future in which no one will ever be disqualified from a job simply because they are unable to perform that job." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The TSA says they will allow pilots to pass through security more easily than before. I'd be happy if the pilots just went through the breathalyzer." –Jay Leno

"Swiss scientists say they have produced antimatter, which could explain some of the mysteries of the universe, such as how Bristol Palin is still on 'Dancing with the Stars.' She gets more votes than anyone else. John McCain picked the wrong Palin." –Jay Leno

"Michelle Obama is expected to announce a plan to put 5,000 salad bars in public schools. They expect as many as three students to use them." –Jay leno

"The turkey that President Obama will pardon this year for Thanksgiving will come from California. The spokesman for the turkey said it doesn't need a pardon, it needs a job." –Conan O'Brien

“At the airport if you refuse to be patted down, they arrest you. And what’s the first thing they do when they arrest you? They pat you down.” –Jay Leno

November 19

2010-11-19T08:46:00.000-05:00

"President Bush is everywhere talking about his book and he's being very candid. In one interview, he said that he used to do stupid things while he was drunk. But think about it, who among us hasn't had a couple of drinks and invaded Iraq?" —David Letterman

"President Bush is everywhere. He's been on the Larry King show. He's been on the 'Today Show' with Matt Lauer, he's been on all of the programs. He was on Rachael Ray this morning water boarding a veal cutlet." –David Letterman

"Former first lady Laura Bush used to be a librarian. Coincidentally, she's the only thing George W. Bush ever checked out at the library." –David Letterman

"Sarah Palin has a show about Alaska premiering Sunday. I was starting to worry that she's underexposed." –David Letterman

"Well, some good news today from President Obama. You know how he's been trying for two years to shut down Guantanamo Bay. Well, they finally found a place to put the terrorists. They're going to stick them on the Carnival cruise. Just let them drift." –Jay Leno

"Wall Street hands out new bonuses. Poor people, get prepared to be trickled down on." –Stephen Colbert

"George W. Bush has a new memoir out and he said in an interview that he thought that Sarah Palin was not qualified to be president. Well, isn't that the pot calling the kettle black. Honest to goodness." –David Letterman

"George Bush's memoir out. It's called 'Decision Points' It's also available in an audio version so you can listen to it while you drive the economy off the cliff." –Bill Maher

"An article on 'Huffington Post yesterday claimed that several passages of George W. Bush's new memoir 'Decision Points" were lifted from other books, including several written by his advisers. Which explains why he spent much of the book complaining about his boss." –Seth Meyers

"Speaking in a video for an ad campaign aimed at ending the bullying of gay teenagers, Cindy McCain, the wife of Senator John McCain, broke with her husband and called for the repeal of 'don't ask, don't tell.' McCain says he and his wife have disagreed on other issues too. Things like, "Where am I and what the hell is going on." –Seth Meyers

"The major pilots unions are complaining about the use of full-body scanners and these pat-down techniques at the airport. Pilots say the searches make it almost impossible for them to smuggle in liquor." –Jay Leno

"Obama's overseas trip has been such a disaster that people in Kenya now claim that he has an American birth certificate." –Jay Leno

"Alaska Sen. Lisa Murkowski said that she doesn't think Sarah Palin enjoyed being governor. Palin was like, 'That's absurd. If I didn't enjoy being governor, I would have just quit in the middle of my — nevermind.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"George W. Bush's famous 'Mission Accomplished' banner may be put in his Presidential Library. They plan to hang it up as soon as they start construction." –Jimmy Fallon

“The George W. Bush Presidential Center is part of a $250 million complex. And by the way, I believe this is the first time the words 'Bush' and 'complex' have been used in same sentence." –David Letterman

"A senior citizen was arrested after shooting his TV when Bristol Palin wasn't kicked off of 'Dancing With the Stars.' Come on, John McCain, it's been two years. Get over it. " –Craig Ferguson

"The New Oxford Dictionary has declared Sarah Palin's word 'refudiate' to be the 2010 Word of the Year. Palin was honored and said she would do her best to 'dismangle' the English language." –Conan O'Brien

"They just had the groundbreaking ceremony of the George W. Bush Presidential Library in Dallas. It's easy to get into the building, but then you spend 10 years trying to find an exit." –Jimmy Fallon

"'The Unemployed American' is in the running for 'Time' magazine's 'Man of the Year.' That must be discouraging, to be on the cover of 'Time' and still no one will hire you." –Jimmy Fallon

"Sunday Night was the debut of the reality show 'Sarah Palin's Alaska.' It got huge ratings. Even John McCain watched it. In fact, halfway through the program McCain turned to his wife Cindy and said, 'Who is that woman? She looks familiar.'" –Jay Leno

"It was bad enough when the TSA agents would go through your underwear in your luggage. Now they're going through your underwear while you're wearing it." –Jay Leno

"Now, to make it worse, the airlines are charging a $15 molestation fee." –Jay Leno

"Bristol Palin again got the lowest score in "Dancing with the Stars" and again she wasn't eliminated. She's invincible. She cannot be destroyed. She's like a no-fun version of Charlie Sheen. Imagine how many votes she would get if she could actually dance." -Jimmy Kimmel

“This will be a rough week for President Obama. He's got a lame duck Congress, he has to pardon a turkey, he has to eat crow, and the Chinese just flipped him the bird. It's been a fowl week." –Jay Leno

November 12

2010-11-12T09:08:00.000-05:00

"Twenty-thousand Indonesians protested President Obama's visit to Indonesia. Apparently, 3 out of 4 Indonesians believe he's an American." –Conan O'Brien

"I finally read former President Bush's memoir, and I've got to say, the book was way better than the presidency." –Jimmy Fallon

"JetBlue is appointing retired Gen. Stanley McChrystal to its board of directors. That's who I want looking for my missing luggage — the guy who's been trying to find bin Laden for 10 years." –Jimmy Fallon

"The Pentagon says it doesn't know who is responsible for launching a missile off the California coast on Monday. Meanwhile, Sasha and Malia can't believe the awesome new video game they just found in the White House." –Jimmy Fallon

"I don't know if you guys saw this, but Bristol Palin made it to the semifinals of "Dancing with the Stars" last night. I'm not saying Bristol is going to win, but if there's one thing she's known for, it's going all the way. So I would put my money, put it all on Bristol Palin." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama went to India, South Korea, then Japan. He’s going to keep traveling until he finds his birth certificate." –David Letterman

"President Obama was in India yesterday visiting our jobs. Tomorrow he goes to China to visit our money." –Jay Leno

"The president’s trip was cut short due to volcanic ash. That’s the second time his plans have been disrupted by ash. The last time was when the Democrats went down in flames." –Jay Leno

"Republicans fresh off their victory on Election Day say their first priority will be to dismantle the new health care law. And believe me, there's nothing people without a job love more than less health care." –Jay Leno

"Former president George Bush has a new book out called 'Decision Points.' He's quite candid in this book. He talked about how he and Dick Cheney often clashed because of their different style. For example, Bush liked to shoot from the hip, whereas Cheney liked to shoot people in the face. Two different ways of coming at things." –Jay Leno

"Former President George W. Bush was on 'Oprah.' When asked about being the leader of the free world, Oprah said, 'It’s not bad.'" –Conan O'Brien

"George W. Bush was interviewed by Matt Lauer who asked him if he would still invade Iraq if he knew then what he knows now. It's an unfair question. For one thing I don’t know if Bush does know what he knows now." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Obama actually spent part of his childhood in Indonesia. He was known as Barry Obama then. They've been digging up childhood friends. One said he was chubby and ran like a duck. Which proves he's not Kenyan, because that's as American as it gets." –Jimmy Kimmel

"A company in China is selling a President Obama blow-up sex doll. Don't get too excited. It turns out most of its positions are very unpopular." –Jimmy Fallon

"Hillary Clinton says she will not run again for President. Your move, Brett Favre." –David Letterman

"Obama’s in India for two days and Republicans are already accusing him of being a Hindu." –Jay Leno

"President Bush told Matt Lauer the most embarrassing thing he ever did drunk was ask a friend of his parents what sex was like after 50. That's nothing. John McCain asked Sarah Palin to be his running mate when he was sober." –Jay Leno

"Bush’s memoir is 512 pages. To be fair, 200 of those pages are just games and puzzles." –Craig Ferguson

"In the middle of the book is an Iraq maze which is pretty much impossible to get out of." –Craig Ferguson

"Hundreds of people in Washington, D.C. reported seeing a UFO today. Aliens, if you’re searching for intelligent life, you’ve got the wrong town." –Craig Ferguson

"President Obama was in India today. The President is touring Asia making trade deals. He signed a $10 billion pack with India this afternoon. He brokered a deal to make India part of the UN security council. And he was able to get a $15 late fee reversed on his Visa card." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Welcome to my new show it's called 'Conan'. People ask me why I named the show 'Conan.' I did it so I'd be harder to replace." –Conan O'Brien

"An exciting night. I'm really glad to be on cable. I have to tell you that right now, it's not a joke. The truth is, it probably doesn't help that I say that's not a joke afterwards. The truth is, ladies and gentlemen, I have dreamed of being a talk show host on basic cable ever since I was 46." –Conan O'Brien

"America put the crazy people who got us into this mess back in charge, and California won't let us get high to get over it." –Bill Maher

"I do not understand the electorate. This country is hurting in a way we haven't since the Depression. People struggling all over this country, and they came out and voted for the party that says right up front they will suspend your unemployment benefits and repeal health care. To go against your self-interest more you'd have to literally go f**k yourself." –Bill Maher

"A special shout-out to the independent geniuses, who switched sides again because President Chocolate Jesus did not make it rain twenties in two years." –Bill Maher

"You know what, you independents, if you can vote for Bush one year, and then the next election vote for Obama, and then go back to John Boehner. You're not independents, you're schizophrenic. You're Norman Bates, sometimes you dress up as your mom and kill sluts in the shower, and sometimes you put on pants and mop up. Well, congratulations America, on Tuesday you put on the dress and killed again." –Bill Maher

"This was the biggest landslide since the '30s. The Republicans picked up 63 seats. I haven't seen the Republicans so happy about taking seats since they made Rosa Parks stand up." –Bill Maher

"Just in time for the Republican sweep, George Bush has a new memoir that just came out. He was on the Today Show plugging it. He said his lowest moment of the whole presidency was when Kanye West said he didn't care about black people. Well, I got news for you. Black people don't care about you either. Mr. Bush." –Bill Maher

"Well, it looks like John Boehner will be the new Speaker of the House. He is the son of a bartender, one of 12 children. He grew up in a two room home with just one bathroom, worked his way through school, became the first person in his family to graduate from college. And, sadly, fell in with the wrong crowd and wound up in Congress." –Jay Leno

"You know who Boehner is, right? He's that orange looking guy. See, for Republicans that counts as diversity." –Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin says she wants limited government. Does she mean fewer elected officials or more officials who resign in the middle of their terms? I think limited government will be perfect for her limited abilities." –David Letterman

November 5

2010-11-05T08:57:00.001-04:00

"Republicans won big on election day. They say their two big priorities are cutting taxes and reducing the debt. Which is sort of like wanting to lose weight and win 'Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Thousands of marijuana enthusiasts went to the polls this morning in California to support Prop 19. Unfortunately, the election was the day before." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Supporters of Prop 19 believed the new law would have raised billions of dollars in tax revenue and created thousands of jobs for people to be too stoned to show up to." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Finally, the 2010 elections are over and we can get started on the campaign for 2012." –Craig Ferguson

"The CNN election coverage was constantly being interrupted by text messages from Brett Favre. Then the commentator would say,’ There’s a big swing to the right in Minnesota.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Christine O'Donnell lost her election by 20 percent. She's planning to retire to her house in the country where she'll lure children with candy and gingerbread." –Craig Ferguson

"In Washington today volunteers were washing the mud off Democrats and releasing them back into the wild." –David Letterman

"Pundits say Christine O’Donnell’s political career may be over, but she still has six months as a punchline." –David Letterman

"Republicans are in charge now. We all remember how well that worked last time." –David Letterman

"Not only did Meg Whitman lose, now she can’t find anybody to clean her house." –Jay Leno

"Despite being caught paying $300 for a prostitute David Vitter easily won reelection. Voters respected his fiscal conservatism, paying only $300, compared to liberal Eliot Spitzer who paid $5,000. That’s a $4,700 savings to the taxpayers right there." –Jay Leno

"The San Francisco Giants beat the Texas Rangers to win the World Series for the first time in 56 years. The fans back home celebrated with riots, overturning Priuses, throwing bottles of bio-dynamically farmed zinfandel and building huge clean-burning bonfires." –Jimmy Kimmel

"All his life people have called John Boehner 'Boner,' and now America is going to pay. It's the reason his brother Dick stayed out of politics altogether." –Jimmy Kimmel

"John Boehner will be the new speaker unless, out of habit, he blocks his own confirmation." –Stephen Colbert

"John Boehner will be the new Speaker of the House. It is the highest elected office ever to be reached by an Orange-American." –Daily Show correspondent Olivia Munn

"Russ Feingold was defeated for having progressive values. In Louisiana, David Vitter has absolutely destroyed his challenger by going out with hookers." – Jon Stewart, on America's priorities

"In Jackson County, WV, machines have actually changed votes, which would explain why candidate “Error 404 Page Not Found” is headed to the House of Representatives." – Stephen Colbert

"In the Kentucky Senate race, Rand Paul has been declared the victor. Rand Paul is a libertarian and a staunch opponent of regulation of any kind. So congratulations, Kentucky, your state bird is now a can of lead paint." – Stephen Colbert

"In an interview on 'Entertainment Tonight' this week, Mary Hart was told by Sarah Palin she may run in 2012 if there was no one to do it. That's not how you run for President. That's how you offer to babysit." –Seth Meyers

"Karl Rove said this week that Sarah Palin does not have the gravitas to be President of the United States. Sarah Palin is furious. She said as soon as she finds out what gravitas means she will respond, and harshly." –Jay Leno

October 29

2010-10-29T12:54:00.000-04:00

"Sunday is Halloween -- it's the scariest day of the year. Unless you're a Democrat - then it's next Tuesday." –Jay Leno

"Election Day is next Tuesday. According to a new poll, one out of three voters is still undecided. It's a tough choice. Do you vote for the people who got us into this mess, or the people who can't get us out of this mess?" –Jay Leno

"New York gubernatorial candidate Carl Paladino's Facebook page was hacked and someone wrote offensive remarks in the captions of his pictures. The remarks were so crazy and offensive that Paladino was like, 'Are you sure I didn’t write these?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"According to a new L.A. Times poll in the gubernatorial race here in California, Jerry Brown now leads Meg Whitman 52 percent to 39 percent. She spent $163 million of her own money and she's behind by 13 points. That's the biggest expenditure of money for a loss since the Yankees." –Jay Leno

"The man Dick Cheney shot in the face on that hunting trip like four years ago says that Cheney has never apologized. Hey pal, join the club. The rest of the country is way in front of you." –Jay Leno

"Former President George W. Bush has a memoir coming out soon. Between this and Justin Bieber’s book, this could be the biggest year ever for literature." –Jimmy Kimmel

"There are strikes all over France because the government wants to raise the retirement age. The strikes are threatening the French way of life. Yesterday, an American had to walk all the way across Paris without getting insulted." –Craig Ferguson

"Clarence Thomas's wife this week on Saturday morning calls up Anita Hill 19 years later to ask her to apologize. Drunk dial much? And she did the right thing. She apologized. She said I'm truly sorry you're married to Clarence Thomas." –Bill Maher

"Juan Williams was fired by NPR. He told Bill O'Reilly that people in Muslim garb getting on airplanes make him nervous. And I was appalled: this is America, if we can't let a black man with a Latino name sh*t on Muslims to entertain a white guy, what do we have?"–Bill Maher

"An amazing week for idiocy in America. Glenn Beck said that evolution is ridiculous because he's never seen a half-man, half-monkey. Christine O'Donnell did not know that the First Amendment was in the First Amendment. We are truly one nation indivisible on the short bus." –Bill Maher

"One of the other nuts Carl Paladino in New York state, they had a debate, I've never seen this in politics -- he left before the debate was over to go to the bathroom. This is the best ad for Flomax I've ever seen." –Bill Maher

"Fox News, on Thursday, hired news analyst Juan Williams just one day after National Public Radio fired him for making disparaging comments about Muslims. Marking the first time someone has been fired and hired for the same comment." –Seth Meyers

"Following Williams' firing, several leading Republicans including Newt Gingrich, Mike Huckabee, and Sarah Palin, accused NPR of censorship and called for Congress to cut off federal funding for NPR. So in case you were wondering how much Republicans hate NPR, they're siding with a black guy named Juan." –Seth Meyers

"Last night on 'Dancing With the Stars,' Bristol Palin came out dressed in a gorilla costume. They say this is the closest a member of the Palin family has ever come to acknowledging evolution.” –Jimmy Kimmel

"According to news reports, Christine O'Donnell's father used to play Bozo the Clown. It must be weird when your father is a grown man dressing up like a clown, and you're the embarrassment in the family." –Jimmy Fallon

"So you probably heard the presidential seal fell off the podium during a recent Obama speech. Know what they found on the back? His birth certificate." –David Letterman

"Delaware Republican senate candidate Christine O'Donnell blamed her campaign's recent troubles on unfair coverage in the "liberal media." Yup, the liberal media used two of its favorite tricks on her: 'Record' and 'Play.'" –Seth Meyers

October 15

2010-10-15T09:41:00.001-04:00

“Remember Lou Dobbs on CNN, who was always railing against illegal immigrants and the people who hire them. It turns out Lou Dobbs hires illegal immigrants. I was shocked. Lou Dobbs is married to Meg Whitman?" –Bill Maher

"What is it with conservatives? Seriously, I'm not trying to be partisan but it seems like if they're anti-illegal alien, they have illegal aliens working for them. If they're anti-gay, they turn out to be gay. If they're super Christian, they're a witch." –Bill Maher

"Christine O'Donnell finally came out of hiding and put out an end this week. The first words of the ad are 'I am not a witch.' This is the first time a candidate had to deny being a witch in a campaign since… the Massachusetts primary of 1692." –Bill Maher

"Christine O'Donnell is blaming the liberal media, but you know what, Christine, I just showed clips of you opening your mouth and crazy s**t coming out. If you want to blame someone, honey, look at your reflection in your cauldron." –Bill Maher

"President Obama has decided not to sign a bill that would make it difficult for homeowners to fight foreclosure. Why is Obama all of a sudden so sensitive about people being kicked out of their house. Oh yeah, right" –Jimmy Fallon

"Donald Trump is running for president. He's not the kind of guy that would stage something like this for publicity. I know it's official because today, Trump threw his hair into the ring." –David Letterman

"Obama is going to tour India and Asia. I guess he wants to check up on American jobs." –Jay Leno

"Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late." –David Letterman

"A Republican candidate for Congress in Ohio, a guy named Richard Iott, photos have surfaced of him dressed in a Nazi uniform. He would go to Nazi reenactments dressed as an SS Stormtrooper. He said he only dressed as a Nazi as a bonding ritual with his son. Really? Any other kids do that with their dads? 'I don't want to fish, I don't want to play catch, Let's dress up as Nazis!'" –Jay Leno

"Google is investing in an offshore wind farm project that could provide electricity to 1.9 million homes on the East Coast. And not to be outdone, Yahoo just bought a brand new ceiling fan." –Jimmy Fallon

"New York gubernatorial candidate Carl Paladino's pit bull, Duke, bit another dog during a campaign stop this week. People who were there said he was growling, foaming at the mouth, and completely out of control. And so was his pit bull." –Jimmy Fallon

"The Nobel Prize in the fiction category went to Christine O'Donnell's resume." –David Letterman

"Christine O'Donnell's new ad says she didn't go to Yale, like her opponent. I don't think she really needs to tell us that." –Jay Leno

"New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie canceled a tunnel they were digging from New Jersey into New York. Apparently, New Yorkers found out about it." –Jay Leno

Video of the week:
Steven Colbert on Muslim Threat

October 8

2010-10-08T10:28:00.001-04:00

"Christine O'Donnell has a new commercial where she says, 'I'm not a witch.' Isn't that exactly what a witch would say?" " –David Letterman

"Donald Trump may run for president. Wouldn't that be exciting? We haven't had a president who wore a powdered wig since John Quincy Adams." –Jay Leno

"EA Sports released a new version of the video game 'NBA Jam' that features Obama, Biden, Bush, and Cheney. Bush and Cheney play the first half, then Obama and Biden try to come back from a 6 billion point deficit." –Jimmy Fallon

"Donald Trump may run president. Is that a good idea? Haven't enough Americans already been told, 'You're fired'?" –Jay Leno

"Osama bin Laden keeps releasing audio tapes to show that he's still relevant. Really? Audio tapes? How about an iPod download?" –David Letterman

"The State Department has issued a travel warning. They've warned Rick Sanchez not to travel to Israel." –Jay Leno

"Rick Sanchez was fired after saying that Jews control the media on a satellite radio show. Had he said it on his show on CNN, he wouldn't have been fired because no one would have heard it." –Jay Leno

"A Senate has passed a new bill that requires TV stations to lower the volume level on commercials. This is great, a hundred of the most powerful people in the nation have managed to do the same thing my remote does." –Jimmy Fallon

"The White House has issued an alert for American tourists traveling in Europe over fears of a terror attack. But the joke's on you, terrorists. We can't afford to go to Europe." –Jimmy Fallon

"Today we found out that a third college that Christine O'Donnell said she attended has no record of ever knowing her. I'm starting to wonder if she ever really went to Hogwarts." –Bill Maher

"Meg Whitman, our own candidate for governor of California, is running on a platform that's as tough as nails on illegal immigration. We found out this week she had an illegal immigrant working in her house for nine years. Today Meg Whitman said she's willing to take a lie detector test to prove that she didn't know that she had an illegal alien cleaning her house. You know what, if we wanted a governor who swears they have no idea what's happening in their house, we'd move to Alaska." –Bill Maher

"The United States had to apologize today because in the 1940s, our government conducted experiments where scientists injected mentally ill Guatemalan prisoners with syphilis and gonorrhea. And Hillary Clinton was the one to make the apology. It was heartfelt. She said, 'I know what it's like to go to bed worrying that someone you love has an STD." –Bill Maher

"President Obama has been meeting with voters in what he calls 'backyard chats.' He's held these in real people's backyards. You know something, I think all politicians should talk to people in their backyards. Then you could take what they say and spread it on the lawn." –Jay Leno

"Republican Senator Tom Coburn said yesterday that Christine O'Donnell, if elected, will be able to combat the stupidity in Washington. So I guess they're going to fight fire with fire." –Jay Leno

"The wife of Republican New York gubernatorial candidate Carl Paladino said she accepts that her husband had an affair, that he has a mistress, and the mistress had his baby. He actually convinced her this is no big deal. Guys, let me tell you this, don't try this at home. This guy is a lawyer, a real estate developer, and a politician. That is the trifecta of professional liars." –Jay Leno

"It's getting very nasty in Louisiana in the Senate race down there. The Democrat that's running has a two-minute TV ad about Republican Sen. David Vitter, which features the hooker that Vitter paid $300 to. It's a two-minute ad. And here's the embarrassing part for Vitter: the ad lasted a minute longer than he did." –Jay Leno

"Yesterday President Obama told voters that he's a Christian. But you see how Fox News reported it? They said Obama admits he's a follower of the bearded radical from the Middle East." –Jay Leno

"The good news is that scientists have found a giant Earth-like planet, and it may support human life. Whatever you do, don't tell British Petroleum." –David Letterman

October 1

2010-10-01T09:34:00.004-04:00

"You know Delaware is running a witch, her name is Christine O'Donnell, and she wants to be the Senator from Delaware and today she promised if she's elected she'll cast a spell on health care." –David Letterman

"The Republicans announced their Pledge to America, and here's what it is: Less taxes, smaller government and act now and they'll throw in the Dean Martin roast of Frank Sinatra." –David Letterman

"Vice President Biden held a conference call with senior citizens to talk about health care. Seniors started the conference call confused about how health care works, and ended up more confused about how conference calls work. They're like, 'Wait, can you hear me? Saul you're talking to the VCR.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"[The Democrats] are giving up on their tax cuts for the middle class until after the election. … Have they seen the polls? Planning to do this after the election. This is like a condemned man asking for a doggie bag at the last meal." –Bill Maher

"President Obama's approval rating dropped again. Things are so bad, Muslims are accusing him of being Christian. " –Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin was considering running for president, until she heard it was a four-year deal." –David Letterman

"House Minority Leader John Boehner says he has never been in a tanning bed and that he gets his dark complexion from his mother. Either he's lying or Snooki's a lot older than she's telling us. " –Jimmy Fallon

"Bristol Palin has denied rumors that she's dating The Situation from 'Jersey Shore.' If The Situation becomes Sarah Palin's son-in-law, he'd still have the most normal name of any boy in the family." –Jimmy Fallon

"At the UN, President Obama called on other countries to help us track down and eliminate radicals and extremists. But they told Obama, 'Hey, the tea party is your problem, buddy.'" –Jay Leno

"Bob Woodward has written a book which states that the White House agonized over the decision to leave Iraq. Too bad no one agonized over the decision to go into Iraq." –David Letterman

"In the book, they talk about bitter arguments, personality conflicts, and power struggles. And that's just with Obama's mother-in-law." –David Letterman

"On the 'Today' show, President Obama said he supports having a longer school year. In response, Sasha and Malia announced they support Sarah Palin." –Jimmy Fallon

"In an interview on MSNBC, Levi Johnston said he has no idea if additional troops will help the war in Afghanistan. Which of course begs the question, who the hell is asking Levi Johnston about strategy for Afghanistan." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama has listed the songs on his iPod. The Tea Partiers are checking to see if 'Born in the USA' is on the list." –Jimmy Fallon

"Christine O'Donnell was caught lying about her educational background. She may not believe in pleasuring herself, but she thought her resume needed massaging." –Craig Ferguson

"Christine O'Donnell doesn't believe in evolution. She asked why monkeys aren't still evolving into humans. I was like, 'It doesn't happen that fast.'" –Craig Ferguson

"During a trip next month, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad says he's planning to throw a rock at Israel. And today, Israel introduced its newest defense weapon: paper." –Jimmy Fallon

"After a lot of speculation, the Chinese government has decided not to change its one-child policy next year. In a related story, China just renewed its most popular show, 'Jon & Kate Plus One and That's It.'" –Jimmy Fallon

September 24

2010-09-24T08:14:00.003-04:00

"I saw that new movie 'Devil' or as Delaware Tea Party candidate CChristine O'Donnell calls it, 'Roots'" –Jay Leno

"Well, you know what's interesting, O'Donnell said she dabbled in witchcraft, and her opponent, Democratic candidate Chris Coons, he had no comment. He wanted to comment, but he lost his voice, went blind and came down with boils. It was horrible." –Jay Leno

"The state of Delaware has nominated and they're going to probably elect a witch as Senator from Delaware. Listen to this. One day Delaware elects a witch. The next day the recession is over. I don't know. Is that a coincidence?" –David Letterman

"Bristol Palin made her debut on the Dancing with the Stars and after a lot of speculation, Sarah Palin was not there to see it in person. However, she could see it from her house." –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday, President Obama's aide had to step in and pay more money after Obama only gave a fruit vendor a dollar for four apples. The aide said it was awkward having pay Obama's bill. Then China was like, 'Eh, you get used to it.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"You know this Tea Party candidate, Christine O'Donnell is causing a lot of controversy with her kind of unorthodox views. She's come out against masturbation. You know what that means? She's out of touch with those voters who are in touch with themselves." –Jay Leno

"Let me tell you something, Sarah Palin better be careful. Because this Christine O'Donnell is younger, hotter, and crazier. That's the things guys are looking for in a trophy candidate. So, be very careful." –Jay Leno

"Folks, it seems that Al Qaeda's number two man has released yet another tape where he criticizes the entire Pakistan government, calls them incompetent and corrupt, and demands they be thrown out of office. So, it sounds like we have a Tea Party over there, too." –Jay Leno

"When the Pope met the Queen of England, they both said the same thing to each other: 'Nice hat.'" –Jay Leno

"Christine O'Donnell looks a lot like Sarah Palin, and you know what that means, more work for Tina Fey." –David Letterman

"O'Donnell's past could come back to haunt her. Now luckily I have a way to stop this witch hunt. Miss O'Donnell just come on my show and do a simple test. Bind your arms and legs and throw you in the river. If you sink to the bottom and drown, your bloated corpse can march to victory with a clean record. But if you float ..." –Stephen Colbert

"Her detracts say she's homeless, jobless, and can't pay her taxes. And her supporters say, 'Finally, someone who represents the average American." –Bill Maher

"In a new book, French first lady Carla Bruni reveals that Michelle Obama told her that she can't stand being the first lady. You know what else I bet she can't stand? Telling someone something in private and then seeing it in their new book." –Jimmy Fallon

"In Delaware, Christine O'Donnell won a huge upset in the primaries, but she has some problems. Karl Rove has accused her of lying. When the guy that told 300 million Americans there were weapons of mass destruction in Iraq says you're lying, he knows what he's talking about." –Jay Leno

"I don't know a lot about Christine O'Donnell, but she has some interesting views. She has come out against masturbation. And you thought the war on drugs was unwinnable." –Jay Leno

"In her fight against childhood obesity, first lady Michelle Obama is urging communities to make fresh produce more available to young people, even in liquor stores. If your kid is hanging out at the liquor store, obesity is the least of your problems." –Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin made a high profile appearance at a Republican fundraising dinner in Iowa. She didn't actually say she's running for president. She just winked it in Morse code." –Jimmy Fallon
"The premiere of 'Hawaii Five-0' was a great episode. The cops were looking around and they accidentally stumbled upon Obama’s birth certificate." –David Letterman

"According to experts, the recession is over. Is it really over or is it just pulling a Leno?" –David Letterman

"Everybody is talking about Bob Woodward's new book, 'Obama's War.' In the book, he says Joe Biden called Middle East advisor Richard Holbrooke, 'the most egotistical bastard I've ever met.' Then Rahm Emanuel's like, 'What am I, invisible?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"We will gather on the National Mall in Washington, D.C., a million-moderate march where we take to the streets to send a message to our leaders and our national media that says, 'We are here, We are only here until six though, because we have a sitter.'" —Jon Stewart

"Shame on you Jon Stewart. America cannot afford a rally to restore sanity in the middle of a recession. Did you even consider how many panic-related jobs that might cost us in the fear-industrial complex?" —Stephen Colbert, announcing the March to Keep Fear Alive